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NSA Surveillance Network shows Emergent Intelligence

Nuclear powered reaper drone[pullquote]For to this fearful mind, surely, all our science and art are but chemical processes signifying nothing of our subjective state.[/pullquote]SINGULARITY, Tex. — Wednesday night, it was revealed that the NSA has nearly achieved a limited omniscient point of view over the planet Earth through extra-constitutional top-secret wiretapping of all major communications hubs. The Obama administration responded Thursday morning, defending this capability as necessary in America’s ongoing struggle against terrorists. Earlier this year, a leaked document revealed the omnipotence of the Pentagon, which has been granted the power to kill any human being in any part of the globe, effectively giving the Military Industrial Complex de facto sovereignty over the planet.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, Emergence Theorist, has declared that the conjunction of near-omniscience and near-omnipotence in such an entity heralds the coming of the so-called Singularity.

“Because of our limited point of view and our arrogance,” he said, via taped phone conversation,  “we are like brain cells that believe they can understand the whole brain. The Singularity has passed by unnoticed even by those who have long predicted it. It was the emergence of such large ‘wholes’ as nations and corporations which allowed for the formation of this planetary ‘whole’. This is much bigger than overgrown and corrupt government practices, or mere collusion with corporations. These large powers have coalesced into a singular entity, which not only strides the planet with unmitigated force, but also sees, or can see, a great body of sense data that has very few practical limits. Perhaps it cannot recognize its Self, yet it has found cohesion — cohesion borne out of a single-minded fear of terrorism. Few individuals seem to be able to come to grips with the astonishing implications, for on the human level such power seems monstrous. Have we invented a near-God, which we are now obliged to worship at the threat of instant death by drone? Will we now look back at Atheism and Rationalism as an innocent age before the birth of such a mind as this? For to this mind, surely, all our science and art are but chemical processes signifying nothing of our subjective state.”

 

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Elderly woman dies 'on hold' with Verizon

The black heart of Capitalism struck again today when a seventy-five year old woman died after being put on hold four hours Friday afternoon.

“I think she was just trying to have her text messaging feature turned off,” said her grandson Jeremy, 14, who is an ‘avid texter’ himself.

Joanne, the woman’s daughter, requested that her mother not be named, because ultimately, her “untimely” death is rooted in on-going sexual abuse driven by unwelcome sexting received on a nightly basis by the elderly grandmother of seven.

Verizon appreciates your patience

On-scene paramedics claim the woman’s arthritis was “acting up,” which made holding the phone unbearable, causing her to “fall and then she couldn’t get up.” Without a LifeCall medical alarm system installed, she could only lay there waiting to die, listening to post-Manson Beach Boys, the sounds “possibly horrifically distorted by the effects of brain hemorrhage,” as one EMT described.

Found in her cold, dead hands
Found in her cold, dead hands

“We found a notepad,” said one detective. “It has basic addition and a little division scribbled down…it looks like [she] was calculating how much she is worth, and then divided that number by how many children there are.” He alleged her surviving kids might come and pillage her home.

Meanwhile, Joanne and two of her brothers could be seen carrying out a vacuum cleaner and several sets of fine china through the front door behind him.

Verizon refuses to pay reparations to the family, and are in fact billing them for the thousands of dollars’ worth of outstanding overages the woman collected by furiously accepting texts.

Still no files are being charged against the college-age chan users who triggered her death as they have reportedly made Verizon “loads of money,” a move which CEOs suggest could prove to be a lucrative, if not unpredictable, business model for the future.

Killing people and then charging them a bill? It’s gonna make us assloads of money.”
-Verizon guy