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Obituaries Science

Scientists report Earth could die any day now

There is the extremely unlucky event whereupon the Earth may drop into a black hole and be wiped from existence in a blink of an eye.  Perhaps the chances of drifting into the path of a singularity are small, but the possibility surely exists. Nothing in science says this can’t happen.

gamma-ray-burst-challenges-theory_4At some point the center of our galaxy will implode on itself, releasing a gamma ray burst that will irradiate and destroy all life on all stars in the Milky Way. It’s a sure thing that this will be the eventual death of all life in the galaxy. Allegedly, this isn’t supposed to happen for an extremely long time. What do those scientists know about collapsing super-massive black holes anyway? For all they know, it could take exactly 3 more stars and the center of our galaxy would overload and kill us with gamma radiation.

impactA huge meteor or comet could smash us all to bits. It will happen sometime, and maybe sometime really soon. It might happen right when you stop reading this sentence. It happened to the dinosaurs and it is bound to happen at some point simply because the probability exists.

An advanced alien race could have engineered our planet for themselves when their home planet dies.  Finding us in our greed and war crazed state, they eliminate us summarily with Super AIDS. Aliens are far too advanced for any other primitive kind of weapon, including a nuclear bomb. To them, killing humanity would be no more than a quick game of Pandemic 2.

The Universe could be a simulation from a computer-like system in a more complicated universe.  Some scientists and philosophers give this a moderate likelihood. If this is true, then within that likelihood exists the chance that the computer-like system could be destroyed, or our process ended. Some weird super being could just ctrl+alt+delete and everything that ever was would be data lost forever.

july4The chances against a nuclear holocaust are very slim.  In fact, it rests completely upon the chances that humanity dies in one of the aforementioned disasters first. A nuclear weapon could feasibly detonate at any position on any part of the globe and at any point in time. Your house might be ground zero. In fact, you better hope your house is ground zero because in a nuclear apocalypse the dead are the only people who will not suffer. Of all these events, this is by far the most horrific and most likely.

With the combination of all the probabilities for different known cataclysms, the Earth is on its very last leg.  Each day is one day closer, and one way or another, the day might come tomorrow.

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Local Special Interest

Illegal Monopoly strategy results in Michigan arrest

monopoly-guyA Michigan man was charged with assault after beating a woman during a game of Monopoly because she “would not sell her Boardwalk and Park Place properties” to him. Since this did not break any rules in Monopoly, game play persisted until the man won the game by sheer intimidation.

The 54-year-old Monopoly slumlord struck the woman in the head, breaking her glasses, she told authorities, forcing the unfair trade with his thug-like business tactics. After knocking her block off, he seized the properties in question without tendering any payment whatsoever.

Some sources have rumored that he placed hotels on the property without making the proper payments. Yet another source claims he manipulated the bank, causing a microcosm of the real-life housing crisis. “He was cooking the books,” said fictitious money analyst Jim Cramer.

The monopoly slum lord was arrested shortly after the game and charged with racketeering in addition to assault and battery.

The man was ordered not to pass go, and not to collect two hundred dollars and then sent directly to jail.  However, he quickly paid the standard $50 bail bond and was set free next turn.

“He should be roaming the streets by morning,” the rule book says.

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Uncontrollable Patriotism

A Modern Effect

There’s another air strike on your position. Enemy UAV is airborne!

Your commander’s voice is booming over the sound of gunshots and explosions around you. The raging battle is deafening but his voice is louder, telling you to “Kill. Kill. Kill.” Yes God. The adrenaline has rushed into your face and is popping capillaries to the point where your eyesight has become simultaneously dulled to a violent hum and sharpened to perfection. You have loaded a rocket-propelled grenade, it is armed and ready. Your fingers stick to the trigger guards with sweat, but seem to be sewn to it by your nerves.

Orders are to take the Akhbar Bridge, or destroy it trying. Your regiment’s duty is to ensure the continued existence of seven points on the map. So far, you’ve lost one building but not the critical one. Not yours. Sitting. Dividing. Waiting patiently for the signal, you–a man in shrouds appears around the corner, firing his AK-47 before he even sees you. You pull the trigger. Your life, nor your death were in vain because you have killed a would-be attacker, thereby sparing your teammates an embarrassing loss. You might be dead, but so is he. And that’s that. You might be dead, now. An everlasting memory in your family’s eyes, a stain in the dirt, an American Flag sent Home, but at least you killed him.

Connection InterruptedExcept – you didn’t. Because you lag.