A Michigan man was charged with assault after beating a woman during a game of Monopoly because she “would not sell her Boardwalk and Park Place properties” to him. Since this did not break any rules in Monopoly, game play persisted until the man won the game by sheer intimidation.
The 54-year-old Monopoly slumlord struck the woman in the head, breaking her glasses, she told authorities, forcing the unfair trade with his thug-like business tactics. After knocking her block off, he seized the properties in question without tendering any payment whatsoever.
Some sources have rumored that he placed hotels on the property without making the proper payments. Yet another source claims he manipulated the bank, causing a microcosm of the real-life housing crisis. “He was cooking the books,” said fictitious money analyst Jim Cramer.
The monopoly slum lord was arrested shortly after the game and charged with racketeering in addition to assault and battery.
The man was ordered not to pass go, and not to collect two hundred dollars and then sent directly to jail. However, he quickly paid the standard $50 bail bond and was set free next turn.
“He should be roaming the streets by morning,” the rule book says.
There’s another air strike on your position. Enemy UAV is airborne!
Your commander’s voice is booming over the sound of gunshots and explosions around you. The raging battle is deafening but his voice is louder, telling you to “Kill. Kill. Kill.” Yes God. The adrenaline has rushed into your face and is popping capillaries to the point where your eyesight has become simultaneously dulled to a violent hum and sharpened to perfection. You have loaded a rocket-propelled grenade, it is armed and ready. Your fingers stick to the trigger guards with sweat, but seem to be sewn to it by your nerves.
Orders are to take the Akhbar Bridge, or destroy it trying. Your regiment’s duty is to ensure the continued existence of seven points on the map. So far, you’ve lost one building but not the critical one. Not yours. Sitting. Dividing. Waiting patiently for the signal, you–a man in shroudsappears around the corner, firing his AK-47 before he even sees you. You pull the trigger. Your life, nor your death were in vain because you have killed a would-be attacker, thereby sparing your teammates an embarrassing loss. You might be dead, but so is he. And that’s that. You might be dead, now. An everlasting memory in your family’s eyes, a stain in the dirt, an American Flag sent Home, but at least you killed him.
SALT LAKE CITY-Forensic evidence has a lead a hand-selected set of unbiased media deprived jurors to the unanimous decision that Nancy Grace was in fact the murderer in her own biggest story.
Mrs. Grace’s attorneys were not available for comment, because they are on a vacation to the International Space Station, spending Mrs. Grace’s legal fees, approximately 600 million dollars in all. Nancy Grace was abandoned by her defense after only two days of questioning-which was followed by Mrs. Grace’s humiliating and ineffective self-defense.
Mrs. Grace made a statement in a furious but failed attempt to exonerate herself and avoid ridicule.
“I am one of the most gentlest people I have ever known. Little Caylee was murdered before I even met her, and I love her as my own daughter. These last few months being under investigation [inaudible] they’ve been horrible, horrible. I’m not pretending to be anything but a crime victim who went to law school and tried a lot of cases. I’m not guilty, and I won’t eat your souls if given the chance.” -Nancy Grace
Mrs. Grace was sentenced to death by hanging because of a backwards Utah statute dating from before the Civil War.
CNN has modified its broadcasting to a 24 hour cycle of Nancy Grace reporting her own last days from prison mixed equally with heart disease and drug commercials. This paramedia assault from hell has ended the normal lives of at least 100 million Americans every day according to the latest Nielsen ratings.
Nancy Grace has begun to feed on the negative energy and hate filled atmosphere of her prison cell and has purportedly begun to “evolve” rapidly a la Pokemon. As her prison-bound rhetoric ramps up, viewers will keep tuning in. Nancy Grace Live From Prison is the most popular television event since the Iraq War.
Her guards have issued the resounding opinion that Mrs. Grace will not be contained by her cell for very much longer. The widespread belief is that her rate of growth may reach a critical ‘Akira-like’ tipping point and she may devour the entire prison, or even the planet.
The world's worst monster
“She’s just getting too big, too fast. Being stuffed with such pure hatred will give her the strength to snap those iron bars like toothpicks. I think if she wanted to get out now, she’d just rage her way through and kill us all. She’s only staying in there for television-she’s feeding her own hatred in an infinite loop or a downward spiral-whatever. She will never be put to death, I don’t think it’s even possible at this point.”
A Michigan man was charged with assault after beating a woman during a game of Monopoly because she “would not sell her Boardwalk and Park Place properties” to him. Since this did not break any rules in Monopoly, game play persisted until the man won the game by sheer intimidation.
