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Science Technology

Internet Spammers Now Legitimate

It was only a few years ago when the Internet was simply a means through which spammers were able to hijack Internet Explorer and cycle through thousands of pop-up ads making spammers a few cents for each crashed PC.  Nowadays, most users have wised up and the illicit trade of phony internet traffic has to all appearances bottomed out.  Some have declared the spam industry dead-in-the-water but this is simply not true.

Hormel refused to comment on the effect of negative publicity their Spam product line has suffered. However, they did release a statement to Elf Wax Times purporting “Spam is a quality potted meat product made only of the most delicious butcher’s-floor ingredients.”

About a decade ago, a terrible person found a magic formula. By playing on a man’s inadequacy and a woman’s dissatisfaction, he was able to sell a placebo “enlargement” pill to one impotent and brainless bastard. He rightly figured that since it was so easy to sell to one person then it should work equally as well on a certain cross-section of the population. One person out of every thousand was desperate and dim enough to buy into this literal snake oil, fueling the flow e-mails until technology caught up. Anti-spam measures were put into place, but it was just too late. This person, infinitely ambitious, had made more than enough money to move his product into the flashy bright colored world of televised brainwashing.  At this point in time, Enzyte ads began to dominate all advertising air-time, buying up to 25% of all cable television. Enzyte’s placebo effect, greatly magnified by brainwashing, reached a dangerous level and lead to an often deadly phenomena of herbal supplement binges. This in turn lead to the death of several young children and most notably Heath Ledger.

Amway, formerly known as Quixtar, is a legal pyramid scheme that has grown exponentially in the past few years.  By forcing the sale of worthless cosmetics and water-filters upon “Independent Business Owners,” Amway makes billions every year.  The real genius of Amway is that the effect of spamming is achieved through social networks rather than at random.  By brainwashing people into believing that they can make money by helping their friends make money, Amway has been able to legitimately reach the kinds of masses that were at one point only reachable through massive-scale random e-mailings.  It is nearly impossible to explain the inner-workings and profit-sharing structure of Quixtar to an average person, but the gist of things boils down to free money upon payment of a nominal fee of only a few hundred dollars-even if the average “Independent Scam Victim” never sees a bit of profit.  Of course, even an unitelleigent person will have nothing to do with this, but like Enzyte preys on the cross-section of small-penised and small-brained impotent men, Amway is able to find its victims. In truth, Amway is no more than a legitimized pyramid scheme that has been spread through non-automated internet spam.

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Health Law Local News Religion Science Society

Stoner realizes speed of Earth's movement through space, blows mind

Roanoke, Va. – A Cave Spring-area youth was high on marijuana today when he realized that time does not exist and therefore the speed at which the Earth moves through space is immeasurable, yet “so fast.”

Jonathan Spokane, above the influence, behind the wheel
Jonathan Spokane, above the influence, behind the wheel

Jonathan Spokane, 15, described to reporters how his mind came to be blown, saying, “We were drivin’ around, celebratin’ 4:20 after summer school when I started to daydream. I was thinking about space, and said to Joe, ‘Yo Joe. Space is like, really fuckin’ huge, man.’ Then Joe was like, ‘Hey I wonder what time it is in space?'”

Jonathan said he was puzzled by the question at first, until the answer came to him, at which point he could no longer remember his name, address, or even where he was driving his mom’s carload of friends.

His mind was blown, reportedly after he decided for himself that without a constant measurement of the discernible gravitational forces at work, there could not possibly be a basis for the measurement of time, which he said is already a “human construct” and therefore “irrelevant” to people who “know what’s up.”

Jonathan’s personal revelations, analysts predict, will lead him to experiment with harder drugs such as hallucinogenic mushrooms, LSD, peyote and mescaline – all to serve him in his singular quest for what he calls “the ultimate truth” about our existence and/or non-existence, both and neither of which he intends to prove.

Update:
Roanoke Valley Law (over)Enforcement Agencies and the FBI are on the lookout for Jonathan Spokane in connection with the assault of several police officers during a scuffle and the telephoned harassment of the County juvenile court judge. FBI director of searches and seizures Mark Warren told Elf Wax Times early this Monday morning that when police failed to apprehend him, he was “wild-eyed” and repeating the chorus from Black Sabbath’s “Fairies Wear Boots.” He is allegedly armed with a set of Ginsu kitchen knives and considered extremely dangerously capable of dicing a variety of foods quickly to subdue what are expected to be critical munchies.

Categories
Health Status Quo

Social networking sites lead to 'pregnancy and marriage by age 23'

Mediocrity
Jan Lewis, 29, and Felix Mulholland, 32, finally look happy together in their 9th attempt at a positive Facebook profile picture they now share.

Everett, Wa. – A new study shows social networking websites such as MyPlace and Fakebook are responsible for up to sixty five percent of unwanted, accidental long-term relationships.

John Andrews, 24, is one of many Everett area residents who found themselves attached at the hip to the previously unimaginable dregs of society.

Andrews said, “It’s true love. Sure, it’s codependency, but we love it. Truly.”

Demographers are alarmed by the growth in pregnancies reported in the first quarter of 2009. Over “seventy five percent” were “secretly intentional,” because most of the girls found on these sites see themselves as being “too socially awkward” or too lacking of a “positive self-image” to continue dating casually as normal people have done in the eons leading up to the internet. “So they just lay on their backs and let their revolving-door-style reproductive systems trade commitment for responsibility.”

The breeding of lazy, insecure women has reached unprecedented levels which ALR scientists believe led to a spike in obesity. The FDA, or World’s Largest Conflict of Interest, has reported a sharp increase in consumer spending on trendy medical treatments such as liposuction and gastric bypass surgeries.

Dane Ginjuns, the 48-year-old FDA researcher famed as “the world’s most bribable man,” said there was a direct connection between the poisons we eat in our food and the medicines needed to treat long-term illnesses such as Britney Spears’ Disease (diabetes) and cancer, the leading cause of death for /b/.

Additionally, many of these women are unwanted to begin with and will probably have to settle on child support as a means of survival since their inherent laziness is what got them into this mess to begin with.” Ginjuns continued, “The rest of these womens’ lives will probably be spent in a dark room behind a computer screen while their smelly, unlovable bastard children raise themselves on Jerry Springer and Hot Pockets.” Ginjuns eyes then lit up as he became visibly excited, and exclaimed, “Good Lord! Cash cows, that breed cash cows. We’ve struck a fine balance, haven’t we? Just goes to show that in America, any dream really can come true, just so long as it’s rooted in corruption–I mean capitalism–I mean–aww hell!”