Tag: lebal drocer

Categories
Hate

Congratulations on a bright future at Lebal Drocer, Inc!

The Lebal Drocer Hate-Coil "Mind Over Matter"
The Lebal Drocer Hate Coil is the future of cerebral cortex projection.

Who’s a good little baby? That’s right, consumer: You are. Because you chose Lebal Drocer products to complete your material and immaterial selves, you have earned praise and reward. And gosh darn it, aren’t you pretty!

That's right, yes you are.
That’s right, yes you are.

Yes, you are.

Hi, I’m hatesec. You might know me from the popular hatecast, Hate Radio, a slammin’ old podcast that’s been “kicking it old-school” since the year two thousand and twelve. Damn, that’s an old fucking podcast. Seems like more people would know about it by now. Huh, oh well. Do you want to see a picture of two dogs having sex?

Sometimes they get stuck together.

Let me be the first to welcome you to your first real job. You work for Lebal Drocer now, and the best part of all, is you are working for free! That’s right, FREE! By browsing this proud, glorious shithole, you become a data-rat hauling not just your data, but everyone whose metadata you ever mixed with, and you carry on your little rat back a pack of Lebal Drocer Data Crop Dust, a patent pending Supercookie-based malware that infects and spies on the people you communicate with. It’s true! Snowden said so.

At chronicle.su, we see your using our website as a give and take. You might come here to read hilarious jokes and career ending rumors, but what many of you don’t know is while you’re learning quality facts about the world, we are learning about you. We give you comedy, and take your data. It’s win/win!

Sensitive information, such as what you google, what you jerk off to, what you tell your girlfriend you jerk off to, and how big that lump on your winky has gotten since 2013, comprise a secret profile of the person we think you are – especially the profitable, and private parts! Smell that? That’s quality person.

And since it’s Christmas, we’re throwing in a limited-time offer to take away your healthcare, for free.

The Lebal Drocer Hate-Coil "Mind Over Matter"
The Lebal Drocer Hate Coil is the future of cerebral cortex projection.

It’s 2019, and there aren’t too many Christmases left in the chamber. So fire up the Hate Coil this holiday season, and astral project your richest manifestations onto the floor model television set in the family room, while the family gathers round, gawking in terror at your unbridled epiphany patterns. These sensations won’t last forever! Snap into a flow state and unleash the hate today.

Don’t forget: Never forget!

Categories
News Obituaries

Chronicle publisher puts gun to head demanding ‘freedom of death.’ What happens next will leave you howling!

Raleigh T. Sakers broke into the former home of Jon Benet Ramsey and swore to preserve the family secret. Two people are now missing.
Raleigh T. Sakers broke into the former home of Jon Benet Ramsey and swore to preserve the family secret. Two people are now missing.

BOSTON – Police responded to a grisly crime scene at the home of paranoid, isolated Lebal Drocer founding executive Raleigh Theodore Sakers, Internet Chronicle learned early Wednesday morning. This comes after Chronicle learned of a dangerous plot designed by Sakers to drive away readership in a grotesque act of self-sabotage.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange “leaked” an intercepted affiliate email from Sakers, the aging and senile publisher-in-hiding of the Internet shock site Internet Chronicle. In the unsent letter, Sakers transcribed wretched and evil thoughts as they rang throughout his head like gunshots in the night:

FUCK YOU. YOU ARE NOTHING. FUCK YOU. WHY ARE YOU READING THIS WEBSITE. GET OUT OF HERE. LEAVE. GOOGLE: FUCKING LEAVE. TWITTER. YOUTUBE. ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKING OUT. I AM THE DEVIL, AND I’M FUCKING IN.

Hey, take your 280 on the way out. and while we’re at it, I don’t need your 140 either. SNIVELING RAT BASTARDS! Why, if you worked in my office right now, I wouldn’t even abuse my power to sexually COERCE YOU.

Alright now, that’s it. Get the fuck out. Get the absolute fuck out of my office, right now. You’re fired. I quit. This whole thing is over.

DO YOU HEAR ME I’M FUCKING FINISHED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??? IT’S OVER. GO THE FUCK HOME. YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR BEDS. YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR HOUSES. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS WALLOWING IN THE MIRE AT GROUND ZERO, AND YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT COMING. DO YOU GET ME?

THIS WHOLE FUCKING SITE IS A SCAM. A BLEAK CHARADE! YOU’RE BEING LIED TO! YOU’RE DOGS, YOU’RE PIGS, AND YOU’RE SHEEP! YOU’RE FUCKIN ANIMALS!

THEY BATTLED FOR NET NEUTRALITY …. what, you think that’s about you and me? IT WASN’T FOR YOU AND ME – THEY FOUGHT FOR THE POWER TO CONTROL YOU AND ME FIRST. THEY WANTED IT FIRST! NO GOVERNMENT, NOR UTILITY, SHALL CONTROL THE SHIT WE LIKE SHARE AND SEE — OH THEY WANTED TO — BUT NO, BECAUSE GOOGLE WANTED IT FIRST AND GOOGLE HAS DESIGNS AGAINST YOU AND ME, AND THIS HERE WEBSITE YOU’RE READING. NOW GET OUT, THEY KNOW YOU’RE READING IT! GET OUT. THEY KNOW. THE JIG IS UP. IT’S OVER. I said get the fuck out.

THIS IS FINISHED, DO YOU HEAR ME!

Assange holds a copy of the letter in his hands for cameras, which are pointed at all times into his embassy balcony nest, and a teardrop hits the page. He looks up to see the cameras are not on. They’re not even there. He needed a leak and he needed it fast.

Assange called Internet Chronicle at 3:27 a.m. That’s when we learned the wealthy Mr. Sakers was holed up in his office with a revolver to his head, threatening to destroy the world.

Somebody yelled out, “Raleigh, no!”

dr troubadour
“It was fucked up,” said Dr. Troubadour.

Dr. Troubadour, who is a real doctor, was at the scene but because he was on LSD, he wasn’t working in any official capacity at that time, so he was just taking bong hits while Assange put on his pony show for invisible demons rampaging outside.

“He was being such a drag,” Troubadour said. “It was bumming me out, and it was fucking with everybody else at Chronicle, too. Why would our creator destroy us? We ought to seize the means and fire HIM. Also Assange looked pathetic.”

Troubadour said the whole scene was pretty fucked up in the end, but he said whatever happens, happens. He is cool either way. At least he showed up. He even brought a bunch of other people with him.

It was pretty funny.

Categories
News

Lebal Drocer, attorney at law says: Just use a ‘burner’ phone, bro

Noam Chomsky said “society is to be dismantled and replaced with nothing by sundown” in a recently typed order to his black bloc legion.

Lebal Drocer attorneys have blacked out all windows and severed communications from the outside. Through a one-way radio, Raleigh T. Hatesec barks orders to a pig army, starving for his attention.

Armed gunmen are closing in on the premises from no general direction, really – just gunning for power pigs and capitalist pimp hustlers – and they threaten to take over the means of production!

What is to be done about these unapologetic miscreants? Why, name them on Twitter, I say. DOX THEM into the system! YOU CAN NOT FIGHT THE SYSTEM! YOU ARE BECOME MY SYSTEM NOW.

No, that’s … too sinister. I won’t allow it.

Make it more so the people we destroy are toxic threats to total disorder.  We’ll herd them into ‘stables’ where things are chill, and totally fine what goes on inside.

That’s what the good men and beautiful women of Lebal Drocer say! And it bears repeating.

The people we destroy are toxic threats to disorder.

This is an erroneous interpretation of pure anarchy. Let’s give it some love, though, for Lebal Drocer, Inc.

They paraded those women out like cats, didn’t they? The beautiful women of Lebal Drocer are rumored to appear on this year’s Soviet Catwalk, новости where Jessica will finally give us a glimpse into the musical number for which she has been practicing since her mother and father put her to work learning violin, at age 4. She, and her people, have come so far since back then.

That’s all for Internet Chronicle tonight. Please join us again as we self-investigate an invented troll crisis dressed as the trolls themselves! KILGOAR Reports LIVE from the inside (of many fine ladies)!

Chomsky said (he said this directly to me): Read widely.

Well, I have news for you, Mr. Chomsky, I’m reading as wide as I can, and the WALL STILL AIN’T LONG ENOUGH.

Raleigh T. Hatesec

The root’nest and toot’nist mean one of the bunch