soviet union Archives — Internet Chronicle

To The Elf Wax Loyalist Party

Fight Us Nashville, Tn.–I guess a lot of you newbs are wondering what’s up with Elf Wax and where we’ve been. I know you’ve been whispering about me behind my back. I will kill you.

Some of us are busy and some of us have started new lives, some of us are continuing old lives that just continuously kick ass. That’s Elf Wax for you. But the main thing here is that we haven’t been posting much. The following is a list of excuses:

We are working on other projects. If you know who we are, then you know where to look. We can’t link to it here and certain things simply should not be printed; but, in fact are. Elsewhere.
Drugs
Videogames
Fighting foreign wars
Girlfriends
Drugs
Miley shortage
Collapse of the Soviet Union (we just found out)
Obama
We are officially on the FBI watch-list, so in a way we have “moved our operation” for effectiveness
But in fact the new operation is completely different from this
And better
Also, books, reading, writing, and the band (who are awesome)
poopsex loving dyke whores who like to fool around in hallways, switching between sucking our dicks and half-pooped turds

Yes. Shit is sort of changing for Elf Wax and we have been late acknowledging this but we really don’t care about you or what you read or tell people or believe in your little mislead hearts because you are sheep and cattle anyway. Oh, and just because I am in another state doesn’t mean I don’t still hate Virginia. Your laws are crooked and your police force is as overbearing as they are stupid. I back up this claim with evidence in our new website and with my mere existence.

But seriously, it’s serious time. And we are seriously avoiding this shit right now, because life is short man and there are about fifteen thousand better things to do than write this drivel you couldn’t possibly think of yourselves. We’re creating different things, writing better stuff, working on our own separate and collaborative projects and mainly just ignoring this place and cruising on the sexting hits. See our tags section for sexts. Sexting is where the money’s at. Changing your minds is where the satisfaction lies. And really, truthfully, honestly, Elf Wax readers are not even our target audience anymore so we politely ask that you dumb shit retards not follow our staff around the internet; or better yet, unplug your internet altogether because you’re probably just wasting bandwidth producing a never-ending stream of YoUtUbE COMMENTZ LOLZ I LOVE KE$HA SHE IS SO DEEP. And get fucked, please. Oh, unless you’re that girl from the insurance commercials with swollen red lips in which case I’ll take one blowjob, but then you must leave as well.

A land called the Soviet Union

I started with “jerk off into a cup” – a natural launching point.

Holy dicks, what fucking day is it? Is it time for another? Yes it is.

I spent the day dealing with some very friendly people about a very unfriendly bill that has been sent to collections by way of some unpaid tuition at my money-grubbing University. Those bastards think they’re going to get $2,000 out of me, well they’ve got another thing coming. I’ll give them at least $12,000 more by the time I’m done with them! Those bastards will be swimming so deep in my hard-earned cash they won’t know what hit ’em. They’ll drown in US currency. They’ll have to buy up some more ghetto just to make room for the new cash I want to give them for a degree next year.

That’s where I’m at now – it’s time to buy my degree. I’ve worked at papers and written and photographed and traveled and interviewed and even kissed Jane Fonda’s ass, as every reporter does at some time, or must do on their deathbed, lest they enter the gates of Heaven unscathed by a tired old clash of grandfatherly ideals. So now I’m paying for it, because you see it’s not your experience the industry wants; it’s not your carisma, or your talent or your motivation or even your childish enthusiasm they’re after. No, they want to know that you, too, shelled out an amount of dough greater than or equal to the worth of their own degrees before they’ll even open a god damn portfolio. So be it. I’ll buy the fucking thing and I’ll do it the honest way: by taking money for my sperm downtown.

Sure, I can jerk off into a cup. Have I ever done it before? Not in a cup, no. In a receptacle, maybe, and into a cup indirectly, but never “squirt in the cup, put a lid on it, enjoy your James ma’am.” Five, ten, fifteen years down the road, there could be me: child to a lesbian couple, or perhaps a hardline feminist with filed-down teeth and big gums who wears heavy red flannel and treks out to middle-school-age little league games where she is a stranger. That’s what I want for myself, right now. That’s my goal.

Really, it’d be nice to get all doped up and go to the dentist. My teeth are holier than the bulletproof Pope-mobile. I’m more sensitive to them, too. You can’t see the Pope in his little squad-wagon anymore. They don’t show him. I wish they would. As a child I used to love witnessing the Pope-mobile. It was hilarious. That was before I knew how to jerk off, much less into a cup. And that brings me back to it. Would the pope jerk off into a cup (assuming he had the capacity to engage in a sexually taxing activity like physical masturbation) to save a dying woman’s legacy? How about his own?

I hear we are winning in Iraq so now we’re moving to Afghanistan. Hopefully we will see the same success over there and we can even replicate it in Iran. The UN Chief would like to see that. Sooner or later we’re going to have to go dick against balls with Russia and it’s going to be gritty and you will not see a fear more sinister, more urgent than that which will be pumped out of live television, radio and telegraph broadcasts in our lifetimes on that fateful day when Russian bombers imposing over our inland suburbs like chicken-hawks. The pilots have to use the bathroom, too. “Is that frozen piss-sleet hitting the roof, honey, or is that napalm? I’ll check it this time, you went out last time…”