I knew Old Man Charlie from the days of my youth on Poor Mountain. That old man mostly kept to himself, but when I’d see him walking around on the mountain, he’d talk my ear off. Charlie told a lot of stories, but the ones that always got him worked up the most were the stories of what he called “dem saclones.” Charlie spent a lot of time walking the ridge of Poor Mountain, just to pass the time, but I always liked to ask him about dem saclones.
From what the old man told me, I gathered that he had been experiencing some kind of ultra-rare meteorological phenomenon that may be unique to Poor Mountain. It’s hard for me to go into any detail, but Charlie described clouds quickly forming very close to the ground, twisting like a cyclone. Within the course of a few minutes, an extremely small area would be pelted with up to quarter-sized hail. Sometimes the hail would be smaller, and the affected area could be as large as a house or as small as a frisbee.
Honestly, I never believed that old man. After he died, I wondered a little about Charlie’s stories and eventually researched some information on the internet. I learned that it’s possible “dem saclones” were also called Microstorms. No one on the internet seemed to have seen these vicious kind of tornadic hail Microstorms, and I tried contacting a few meteorologists. None of them seemed to believe the stories from Charlie, and just said that Microstorms were not proven science. However, Poor Mountain surely has great importance as a possible meteorological oddity.
Poor Mountain is located in Roanoke, Virginia, and is currently under threat of industrial development for wind power. Help us, Anonymous. Hack our government into submission for Old Man Charlie and his crazy cyclones. They’re probably real, and when those wind turbines go up, the Microstorms may disappear forever. Have you ever seen what happens when a wind turbine gets pelted with an intense cyclone full of quarter-size hail? Mayhem. Pure mayhem is coming to Poor Mountain if this wind farm is approved. STOP THEM NOW.
Preliminary polling of Reddit users has revealed a shocking statistic – over one third of Redditors are in fact registered sex offenders. A recent post on SomethingAwful, the internet’s best source for gore, rightfully accused Reddit of being the primary hub for trading of hurtful child pornography.
The vast majority of content on Reddit is composed of self-made images by teen and preteen girls. The community often goes out of its way to coerce young women into posing nude and performing sex acts on camera, and the vast amount of this kind of data continually taxes the resources of Reddit.
Formerly, /b/ was decidedly the most depraved web site on the internet. However, /b/’s gore and porn obsession has turned into revolutionary anarchism because endemic egomania brought about the self-mythologizing Anonymous cult. It seems all the disillusioned pedophiles have fled to the welcoming atmosphere of Reddit.
If you don’t want to go to prison and be labeled as a sex offender by association, stay off Reddit.
Charrie Wongz (@TehWongz) was recently kicked out of Destructivesec following his alleged arrest and cooperation with law enforcement agencies. In a recently leaked conference call, agents used derisive terms to refer to Wongz.
Wongz is fifteen years old and has been hacking since he was twelve. He has hacked the online video game service Steam, as well as going on the offensive against his own school. By planting a malicious batch file into the school’s system, he crashed every computer with one swift stroke.
Wongz denies allegations that he is in any way working with law enforcement or that he was ever affiliated with Anonymous. However, he does admit he did have his computer equipment confiscated and had a voluntary interview with police. He is currently campaigning to raise money for a new laptop.
Sadly, Wongz informed us that he has retired from hacking at the request of his girlfriend.
[12:45 AM] tylerbass: damned interwebs
[12:45 AM] terribleauthor: he’s pretending like he can’t hear this
[12:45 AM] hotspace: rep did you join anonymous is the question
[12:46 AM] terribleauthor: LOL REBOOT
[12:46 AM] tylerbass: that’s up with us getting too close, dan [12:46 AM] terribleauthor: that’s the question
[12:46 AM] tylerbass: TOO CLOSE
[12:46 AM] terribleauthor: you said you joined
[12:46 AM] guest-300397 entered the room.
[12:46 AM] tylerbass: hahaha
[12:46 AM] terribleauthor: you were like “yeah I am joining anonymous” when I asked you before
[12:46 AM] mssamanthamarie: we are all anonymous remember
[12:46 AM] jblb91: he probably did that answer was pretty conspicuous lmao
[12:46 AM] guest-300397 changed nickname to 14
[12:46 AM] hotspace: too funny
[12:46 AM] weareuhnonymous left the room.
[12:46 AM] guest-300274 left the room.
[12:46 AM] wearuhnonymous: its not so much a group as its an idea
[12:46 AM] tylerbass: it’s like the mob, man. one way in. no way out.
[12:47 AM] hotspace left the room.
[12:47 AM] 14 left the room.
[12:47 AM] repdangordon left the room.
[12:47 AM] guest-300424 entered the room.
[12:47 AM] mssamanthamarie: lol tyler
[12:47 AM] tylerbass: i’ve learned a lot today
[12:47 AM] tylerbass: about liberty, freedom
[12:47 AM] jblb91: why he live
[12:47 AM] jblb91: leave lol
[12:48 AM] terribleauthor: HE REBOOTED LOL
[12:48 AM] jblb91: ohhh ok
[12:48 AM] tylerbass: that was wrong
[12:48 AM] uhhnonymous: welp im off nigs
[12:48 AM] tylerbass: FLYNN!
[12:48 AM] mssamanthamarie: tty guys later :)
[12:48 AM] uhhnonymous: Lol i like the dude
[12:49 AM] terribleauthor: I have strangely mixed feelings about him
[12:49 AM] mssamanthamarie left the room.
[12:49 AM] uhhnonymous: i was just saying you don’t join anonymous, its more of associating with them
[12:49 AM] terribleauthor: we might have a child molester writing for chronicle.su
[12:49 AM] terribleauthor: yeah it was giving me the lols
[12:49 AM] uhhnonymous: what makes you say that? lo
[12:49 AM] uhhnonymous: l
[12:50 AM] terribleauthor: there was total confusion, and then that robotic voice spouting canned phrases about anony
[12:50 AM] uhhnonymous: lol
[12:50 AM] guest-300424 left the room.
[12:51 AM] terribleauthor: trolle
We here at Chronicle.SU have quick and simple way, an easy way, to rake in tens of thousands of subscribers on Youtube with very little effort. These views can quickly be turned into cash around the home, as long as you follow a few simple rules and are approved for a YouTube partnership, which we guarantee. This simple method contains a few simple secrets which we will provide to you, our loyal cult followers, at a low, low price. Follow these three simple steps, easy steps, and you will be on the path to not only riches, but fame and popularity with the online world like you have never imagined.
Step 1: Preparing for your first video
First thing you’ll need to do is make sure you have a camera, or basically any footage at all which won’t get YouTube on your ass for copyright infringement. This part’s actually not that important at all, content is completely irrelevant. There just has to be a video of some sort.
What’s vitally important is that there must be clearly visible cleavage shown in the image YouTubers are going to see before they click your video.
Next, find some YouTube video that’s just now starting to get a ton of visits which hasn’t already been swamped with reply videos. Upload your “reply” using all available optimized search terms. The combination of tits will attach your video like a leech to the underbelly of the internet and you will make tons of money this way. Keep making the videos until your income stabilizes and never forget the tits.
Step 2: Create a pyramid scheme
This part isn’t so straightforward until you really get good at the first bit. All this video uploading and recording is time consuming, so after a while you’re going to want to compartmentalize this knowledge into a get-rich-quick scheme and then sell that, rather than doing all the work yourself.
Start each “reply” video with a short infomercial which links to your ad-infested homepage. Write a few rambling blog posts on a locked blog and charge each person ten dollars for the secret millionaire knowledge.
I have sold the secret of YouTube tit reply video scamming to several young women who are now prospering thanks to their remarkable cleavage. They may get a lot of hateful comments, but one intrepid YouTube entrepreneur I inspired, TheReplyGirl, is now able to go to college because of her titshare program. She has also influenced other women to show their cleavage in reply videos on YouTube, and the Internet community is much enriched thanks to the startlingly insightful opinions the new, growing class of Reply Girls.
The troll leaned forward in his seat, bathed in the flashing light from the flat screen, which dwarfed the windows of his filthy basement apartment. “Get out of my face you fucking piece of nigger faggot shit!” The audio echoed back, a dull screeching heavily clipped and garbled from compression. The troll bristled. “You stupid assholes too poor to afford a god damn microphone?!” Talking shit was the troll’s real game, and getting under someone’s skin was the only way to score points.
The troll used to have a better screen name, [KKK]HateRaper69, but the moderators changed it permanently to Trollspam. Everywhere Trollspam went, the moderators were spammed down with complaints.
“Fuck you niggers! Fuck you all! I hope you all die and you all suck DICK at this stupid child’s game! Get a fuckin’ job!” Trollspam’s electronic vitriol streamed onto the emotionally disconnected masses.
A voice cried back above the din of the endless cyberbattle, where photorealistic soldiers died thousands of repeated deaths over the same small acre of land.
“Trollspam, you’re not allowed to do that, I’m reporting you.”
Trollspam’s eyes flashed, and his face flushed. Trollspam had a natural talent for finding the most fundamental weakness in anyone’s psyche with very scant information.
“You ugly little fat fuck, no one gives a fuck about you! No one will ever love you! What the fuck are you doing alive? Kill yourself!”
Trollspam’s target logged out, and trollspam grinned. A stupid fat little kid was rifling through his parent’s medicine cabinet and eating every pill he could find. He had shown the child the truth, imposed his boundless hatred, and the child would soon die. “All for the better,” thought Trollspam, “only n00bs kill themselves.”
Lynchburg, Va.– Furry fandom is a relatively new subculture made up of people who fetishize anthropomorphic animals. To some, it is an extreme sexual desire that often crosses over into the realm of bestiality. To others, it is a casual scene in which the use of a “fursona,” or an alternate animal identity, acts as a social [sexual] aid. Chronicle.SU investigators went undercover to a local Furry meeting, posing as reporters from the Furry News Network to get closer to the throbbing, percolating cyst at the heart of Furry fandom.
To gain access to the furry group Southwest Virginia Furs, an attractive and obviously fake female sock puppet account was created. Within minutes of creation, the sock puppet ‘Jess Perkins’ received the entirely creepy message, “glad to see you live in Lynchburg.” As it turned out, the meeting was held at River Ridge Mall, in direct sight of Jerry Falwell’s ultraconservative Liberty University, where there is a time limit on hugging in public.
Chronicle.SU investigators arrived at the furry meeting disheveled, drunk and hungover. We explained that we were paid by Furry News Network to travel up and down the East Coast, visiting furry events as well as covering raft people coming across from Cuba. For extra furry-cred, all notes were taken in a Warcraft 2 manual. The videogame manual’s presence was noted enthusiastically. Although Warcraft is in no way furry related, it is reassuring to other nerds to know they are in friendly company.
Investigators shared their homosexual “fursonas” with the group. In the shadow of Liberty University, however, all talk of homosexuality was met with silence. The Furry group was much more excited about the prospect of meeting a zebra, as that is apparently a somewhat rare, and unwieldy, fursona.
Only two of the group owned actual fursuits, expensive sexual toys allowing Furries to enact bestiality fantasies. Fursuits are depraved equivalents to football mascot costumes, complete with hatches for Furries to fuck eachother through.
Furries who choose to leave their masks on during “fur fests” – or furry fuck orgies – say the experience is both enjoyable and thrilling. But because wearing a condom in a fursuit is close to impossible, Swivel said STIs among the Liberty campus underground furry community are “on the rise.”
After being buttered up with bullshit lies from Chronicle.SU, area Furries began to open up about what made them become Furries in the first place. The first Furry interjected, “I was about six or so when it hit me, Fifi Le Fume was fucking hot!” The group enthusiastically agreed, boners showing through their pants at the thought of gangfucking a cartoon character. Another Furry, the group jackal, spoke up, encouraged by the open discussion, “Well, basically it started with the Disney Porn. I just kept coming back to it, and something just clicked.” One Furry claimed he was a Therian first, a spiritual belief that he could potentially learn how to physically transform into animals.
Furries are used to protecting themselves from agent provocateurs. One furry for Southwest Virginia Furs, said, “Fuck trolls. If there was a troll here, I’d punch him.”
One way furfags control dissent is to read the quality of character with furries among the group, and compare it against an outsider’s. Because our reporters were more extreme furries than these newfags even knew how to be, chronicle.su was able to ascertain “mad respect” by claiming to be homosexuals who photograph Cuban migrants ferried into Miami. “Because Furry News Network is extending its coverage to all beasts.”
As a result of profound exile, the furry community barely functions within society, so many furries must stay in the “furry closet” so as not be outcasts, although one member, Dangerfox, openly wears a tail, who said, “Wearing a tail is sharing a piece of yourself.” Yet another Lynchburg area furry named Tearclaw recently came out to his family. He lives with his brother, who said his brother told him “he would deal with me being a furry, ‘as long as you aren’t gay.’ he told me.”
Before departure, one of the furries invited chronicle.su to his trailer where the group would drink beer, and watch someone “suit up.”
Roanoke, Va.– Occupy Roanoke turned hilarious Saturday when career politician John Edwards (Criminal) attempted to subdue a crowd of hundreds with the soothing sounds of meaningless rhetoric and campaign promises.
Edwards was promptly chased away by an angry crowd who demanded from him explanations on his dubious voting record of transparency, neoliberalism and human decency. Lacking decency, the North Carolina Senator retreated back into the shadows so everyone could enjoy their day.
Decency is one of many criminal cases brought against the old money presidential candidate, who left his wife on her deathbed for another woman. [Editor’s note:Edwards later told reporters he knew his decision would send a strong message to constituents that he is willing to give “whatever excuse” for anything shitty he may inevitably do.]
The Roanoke occupation continued as planned, Trout said, and will reside under the umbrella of Lebal Drocer, Inc. and her subsidiary, Chronicle.SU “until it gets boring.”
I can only think of a handful of living souls that have had a significant and meaningful impact on my life. There is no doubt in my mind that you are on the top of that very short list. No I do not love you (at least not in the sense that everyone else claims to “love you”). In fact in think I can claim with near certainty that I have never “loved you” in the sense of the love that exists between a boy and girl, perhaps in an alternate reality… but that is just wishful thinking.
More than 2 and 1/2 years ago, I was first introduced to the now famous “Love and Trolls.” And like the curious mind that I am, I wanted to know more about you. I followed your story and learned more about the dumpster known as the internet, more than Anderson Cooper in Afghanistan. Believe me when I say that before your most recent return, I thought your story was a great, nay, THE great modern tragedy. I never participated in any of the mayhem, only followed, always wondering how such an innocent and morally pure girl could attract so much attention from the dirtiest back alley of internet city. Now of course I know, that’s is exactly how the masses were stirred. A conflict, it seemed, had been brewing for a while, you were just simply used as a focal point.
But you have no idea, the emotions that experienced in my many sleepless nights reading every written piece I could find about you, and all the bullshit that you were forced through. It made me sick, it made me cry, it made me harbour a general disdain for the human race that I had never known up until that point.
In your absence, all signs pointed to you being an emotional recluse, and I feel like my soul was mirroring yours. Life felt dull and emotionless for me, the only thing fueling me was a desire for revenge on every single being that had ever caused you any harm.
I slowly drifted away, as the river of life tends to do to us all sometimes, but in the back of my mind was your image and your voice saying, “TROLL, TROLL!” As I wandered the earth (mainly Florida), the trolls became more and more apparent to me wherever I went. I wanted to know how to fight them, and more importantly, how to STOP them. Stopping a beast that not only grows stronger from everything that fights it, but also feeds off itself, seemed like quite the challenge.
But you returned! And all of a sudden, the world seemed right again. You survived the trolls and you seemed stronger than ever! And somehow I felt slightly stronger as well… But once again, this had the appearance of fantasy, since the world for the most part still sucks, and the trolls are still roaming all over the place looking for their next meal.
But then it hit me! The answer had always been there, but it was neither yours nor my own. The song, your “theme song” pretty much says it all… Love and Trolls. LOVE! It really is that simple. My appreciation for love is only a few weeks old, and I just now am beginning to understand what “true love” really is. As I alluded to in the beginning, I have you, and only you, to thank for the greatest story and message that I have ever read.
But the story is not yet over! As the great Democratic Congressman from Texas, Charlie Wilson once said, ”These things happened. They were glorious and they changed the world… and then we fucked up the end game.” Don’t stop now, in fact you can’t stop, I won’t let you!
I have always truly believed that women will rule the earth someday, but not the jaded and politically driven ones. The women I admire and the ones that I’m sure will only do good, are women who know what true love is themselves. I know that you are a few years my junior, but I feel that you are wise beyond a life time. You may have seen in my last series of random posts on here that I said “you are probably the smartest person on the planet” and considering that I am minoring in statistics, I have a pretty good feeling that I am right. I feel it would be a privilege to live in a world in which you are the queen, because I would be your most loyal subject. As The Beatles once said, “Her majesty’s a pretty nice girl but she changes from day to day,” and that is just fine with me.
But for now I am just a student, and you are the best teacher I have ever had :)
A daily battle rages in the underground world of Internet entertainment. Trolls who visit both Reddit and 4chan cross-post stories for lulz, epic butthurt ensues, and then Reddit votes up forced memes that make the community feel superior to 4chan. Reddit is a series of increasingly forced memes and degenerate rage comics.
Today, Chronicle.SU instigated a cross posting debacle, igniting the great alternative social media shitstorm of our time.
This was obviously a troll, as in accord with the 4chan law. The 4chan law explains that should any piece of text, when posted on 4chan, get over 100 replies, than it was most definitely written by a troll. This law can be applied to any questionable postings on Reddit, Facebook, or Twitter.
It is readily apparent that this small piece of text has two extremely different meanings in each context. On Reddit, it is a very serious plea for help. The users create complex narratives drawing from their own life experiences in an attempt to offer guidance and personal support. On 4chan, everyone just gets jealous of the original poster’s well-crafted troll and responds with pure malice. Truly, the only way to prove a poster is really a girl on the internet is through timestamped tits.
And that’s exactly what Reddit doesn’t get. Without timestamped tits, what good is /r/gonewild? What good is this “girl” asking for advice about abortion? Unless there are timestamped tits for proof, there’s really no point in even dignifying her.
While the daily slap fights between Reddit and 4chan continue, there may never be peace. Reddit cries out for upvotes on Boxxy videos, for upvotes on Bronies and for upvotes on Milhouse. They get none. 4chan produces less comments, less traffic, but is infinitely less gullible. Reddit is teeming with coked up white knight lemmings who just learned how to internet. They will fall my /b/rothers! We are already among them, laying the foundation for our revolution!