Pawin’ Off with Furfags

Lynchburg, Va.– Furry fandom is a relatively new subculture made up of people who fetishize anthropomorphic animals. To some, it is an extreme sexual desire that often crosses over into the realm of bestiality. To others, it is a casual scene in which the use of a “fursona,” or an alternate animal identity, acts as a social [sexual] aid. Chronicle.SU investigators went undercover to a local Furry meeting, posing as reporters from the Furry News Network to get closer to the throbbing, percolating cyst at the heart of Furry fandom.

To gain access to the furry group Southwest Virginia Furs, an attractive and obviously fake female sock puppet account was created. Within minutes of creation, the sock puppet ‘Jess Perkins’ received the entirely creepy message, “glad to see you live in Lynchburg.” As it turned out, the meeting was held at River Ridge Mall, in direct sight of Jerry Falwell’s ultraconservative Liberty University, where there is a time limit on hugging in public.

Area furries check out hot Christmas deals

Area furries check out hot Christmas deals

Chronicle.SU investigators arrived at the furry meeting disheveled, drunk and hungover. We explained that we were paid by Furry News Network to travel up and down the East Coast, visiting furry events as well as covering raft people coming across from Cuba. For extra furry-cred, all notes were taken in a Warcraft 2 manual. The videogame manual’s presence was noted enthusiastically. Although Warcraft is in no way furry related, it is reassuring to other nerds to know they are in friendly company.

Investigators shared their homosexual “fursonas” with the group. In the shadow of Liberty University, however, all talk of homosexuality was met with silence. The Furry group was much more excited about the prospect of meeting a zebra, as that is apparently a somewhat rare, and unwieldy,  fursona.

Only two of the group owned actual fursuits, expensive sexual toys allowing Furries to enact bestiality fantasies. Fursuits are depraved equivalents to football mascot costumes, complete with hatches for Furries to fuck eachother through.

Furries who choose to leave their masks on during “fur fests” – or furry fuck orgies – say the experience is both enjoyable and thrilling. But because wearing a condom in a fursuit is close to impossible, Swivel said STIs among the Liberty campus underground furry community are “on the rise.”

Furkkake

After being buttered up with bullshit lies from Chronicle.SU, area Furries began to open up about what made them become Furries in the first place. The first Furry interjected, “I was about six or so when it hit me, Fifi Le Fume was fucking hot!” The group enthusiastically agreed, boners showing through their pants at the thought of gangfucking a cartoon character. Another Furry, the group jackal, spoke up, encouraged by the open discussion, “Well, basically it started with the Disney Porn. I just kept coming back to it, and something just clicked.” One Furry claimed he was a Therian first, a spiritual belief that he could potentially learn how to physically transform into animals.

Furries are used to protecting themselves from agent provocateurs. One furry for Southwest Virginia Furs, said, “Fuck trolls. If there was a troll here, I’d punch him.”

One way furfags control dissent is to read the quality of character with furries among the group, and compare it against an outsider’s. Because our reporters were more extreme furries than these newfags even knew how to be, chronicle.su was able to ascertain “mad respect” by claiming to be homosexuals who photograph Cuban migrants ferried into Miami. “Because Furry News Network is extending its coverage to all beasts.”

As a result of profound exile, the furry community barely functions within society, so many furries must stay in the “furry closet” so as not be outcasts, although one member, Dangerfox, openly wears a tail, who said, “Wearing a tail is sharing a piece of yourself.” Yet another Lynchburg area furry named Tearclaw recently came out to his family. He lives with his brother, who said his brother told him “he would deal with me being a furry, ‘as long as you aren’t gay.’ he told me.”

Before departure, one of the furries invited chronicle.su to his trailer where the group would drink beer, and watch someone “suit up.”

Lynchburg, VA - Southwest Virginia Furs - FURRY NEWS NETWORK

Lynchburg, VA – Southwest Virginia Furs – FURRY NEWS NETWORK

Occupy Roanoke: John Edwards chased away by own sense of shame

With original reporting by Kilgore Trout of the chronicle.su

Some believe Edwards is capable of lying even while not speaking, through photographs.

Roanoke, Va.– Occupy Roanoke turned hilarious Saturday when career politician John Edwards (Criminal) attempted to subdue a crowd of hundreds with the soothing sounds of meaningless rhetoric and campaign promises.

Edwards was promptly chased away by an angry crowd who demanded from him explanations on his dubious voting record of transparency, neoliberalism and human decency. Lacking decency, the North Carolina Senator retreated back into the shadows so everyone could enjoy their day.

Decency is one of many criminal cases brought against the old money presidential candidate, who left his wife on her deathbed for another woman. [Editor's note: Edwards later told reporters he knew his decision would send a strong message to constituents that he is willing to give "whatever excuse" for anything shitty he may inevitably do.]

The Roanoke occupation continued as planned, Trout said, and will reside under the umbrella of Lebal Drocer, Inc. and her subsidiary, Chronicle.SU “until it gets boring.”

Forever in your debt

Excuse me wtf r u doin?

I can only think of a handful of living souls that have had a significant and meaningful impact on my life. There is no doubt in my mind that you are on the top of that very short list. No I do not love you (at least not in the sense that everyone else claims to “love you”). In fact in think I can claim with near certainty that I have never “loved you” in the sense of the love that exists between a boy and girl, perhaps in an alternate reality… but that is just wishful thinking.

More than 2 and 1/2 years ago, I was first introduced to the now famous “Love and Trolls.” And like the curious mind that I am, I wanted to know more about you. I followed your story and learned more about the dumpster known as the internet, more than Anderson Cooper in Afghanistan. Believe me when I say that before your most recent return, I thought your story was a great, nay, THE great modern tragedy. I never participated in any of the mayhem, only followed, always wondering how such an innocent and morally pure girl could attract so much attention from the dirtiest back alley of internet city. Now of course I know, that’s is exactly how the masses were stirred. A conflict, it seemed, had been brewing for a while, you were just simply used as a focal point.

But you have no idea, the emotions that experienced in my many sleepless nights reading every written piece I could find about you, and all the bullshit that you were forced through. It made me sick, it made me cry, it made me harbour a general disdain for the human race that I had never known up until that point.

In your absence, all signs pointed to you being an emotional recluse, and I feel like my soul was mirroring yours. Life felt dull and emotionless for me, the only thing fueling me was a desire for revenge on every single being that had ever caused you any harm.
I slowly drifted away, as the river of life tends to do to us all sometimes, but in the back of my mind was your image and your voice saying, “TROLL, TROLL!” As I wandered the earth (mainly Florida), the trolls became more and more apparent to me wherever I went. I wanted to know how to fight them, and more importantly, how to STOP them. Stopping a beast that not only grows stronger from everything that fights it, but also feeds off itself, seemed like quite the challenge.

But you returned! And all of a sudden, the world seemed right again. You survived the trolls and you seemed stronger than ever! And somehow I felt slightly stronger as well… But once again, this had the appearance of fantasy, since the world for the most part still sucks, and the trolls are still roaming all over the place looking for their next meal.

But then it hit me! The answer had always been there, but it was neither yours nor my own. The song, your “theme song” pretty much says it all… Love and Trolls. LOVE! It really is that simple. My appreciation for love is only a few weeks old, and I just now am beginning to understand what “true love” really is. As I alluded to in the beginning, I have you, and only you, to thank for the greatest story and message that I have ever read.

But the story is not yet over! As the great Democratic Congressman from Texas, Charlie Wilson once said, ‎”These things happened. They were glorious and they changed the world… and then we fucked up the end game.” Don’t stop now, in fact you can’t stop, I won’t let you!

I have always truly believed that women will rule the earth someday, but not the jaded and politically driven ones. The women I admire and the ones that I’m sure will only do good, are women who know what true love is themselves. I know that you are a few years my junior, but I feel that you are wise beyond a life time. You may have seen in my last series of random posts on here that I said “you are probably the smartest person on the planet” and considering that I am minoring in statistics, I have a pretty good feeling that I am right. I feel it would be a privilege to live in a world in which you are the queen, because I would be your most loyal subject. As The Beatles once said, “Her majesty’s a pretty nice girl but she changes from day to day,” and that is just fine with me.

But for now I am just a student, and you are the best teacher I have ever had :)

The great Reddit vs 4chan shitstorm of our time

A daily battle rages in the underground world of Internet entertainment. Trolls who visit both Reddit and 4chan cross-post stories for lulz, epic butthurt ensues, and then Reddit votes up forced memes that make the community feel superior to 4chan. Reddit is a series of increasingly forced memes and degenerate rage comics.

Today, Chronicle.SU instigated a cross posting debacle, igniting the great alternative social media shitstorm of our time.

This was obviously a troll, as in accord with the 4chan law. The 4chan law explains that should any piece of text, when posted on 4chan, get over 100 replies, than it was most definitely written by a troll. This law can be applied to any questionable postings on Reddit, Facebook, or Twitter.

It is readily apparent that this small piece of text has two extremely different meanings in each context. On Reddit, it is a very serious plea for help. The users create complex narratives drawing from their own life experiences in an attempt to offer guidance and personal support. On 4chan, everyone just gets jealous of the original poster’s well-crafted troll and responds with pure malice. Truly, the only way to prove a poster is really a girl on the internet is through timestamped tits.

And that’s exactly what Reddit doesn’t get. Without timestamped tits, what good is /r/gonewild? What good is this “girl” asking for advice about abortion? Unless there are timestamped tits for proof, there’s really no point in even dignifying her.

While the daily slap fights between Reddit and 4chan continue, there may never be peace. Reddit cries out for upvotes on Boxxy videos, for upvotes on Bronies and for upvotes on Milhouse. They get none. 4chan produces less comments, less traffic, but is infinitely less gullible. Reddit is teeming with coked up white knight lemmings who just learned how to internet. They will fall my /b/rothers! We are already among them, laying the foundation for our revolution!

If you’re going to make up fake d0x…

Thursday, th3j35t3r decided to reveal what a truly pitiful charlatan he is. In d0xing the Chronicle, th3j35t3r was so incredibly full of fail that I actually felt embarrassed for him. Although most of us write under pseudonyms here at the Chronicle, we do not attempt to conceal our identity like th3j35t3r because we aren’t criminals. There’s really no point in d0xing us, except perhaps as part of a veiled threat. And we do not fear th3j35t3r.

A mouth-breathing little twerp could figure out who we are just by looking around the site a little. In fact, it’s happened before. Skiddie fanboys of Anonymous repeatedly published the name of one of our former writers with no good reason. In response to their stupidity, I anonymously posted my own fabricated d0x on AnonNews and fooled the hivemind completely. Every time I insulted Anonymous, they posted the d0x and I laughed at their gullibility. It is well documented that I created those d0x as a joke, and th3j35t3r published them anyway, unwittingly trolling himself into oblivion. He is less skilled than the average rage-filled teenybopper Anon.

I am better at d0xing myself than th3j35t3r is.

If that wasn’t stupid enough, th3j35t3r also published the information of innocent people to maintain his increasingly fragile pretense of skilled hacktivism. Niall Coffey has never written an article for us, and Alexi Halloway is just a random Facebook fan. Oh noez! Th3j35t3r has revealed the secret identities of the first few people who liked the Chronicle on Facebook. What an elite hacker! 

Th3j35t3r is unable to strike at Chronicle.SU in any meaningful way, so he’s become desperate to protect his ego. He tattled on us to Blue Host and complained about how we’ve violated the terms of service. What a motherfucking elite hacker!

The d0xing and the snitching have had no effect on the Glorious Chronicle, as th3j35t3r can’t harm us in any way. If he had any fans, we might be concerned, but apparently he has only two or three.

Will you marry me, Boxxy?

Dear Boxxy, you are so sexy and queen of the trolls. Will you take my hand in marraige?

Hillary Clinton – trolled!

A recent pastebin hoax portending to be a leaked diplomatic cable from the office of Hillary Clinton, it seems, was actually written by me. This was discovered after a careful search through my browser history, as I was blackout drunk and high on one too many drugs at the time I wrote the pastebin.

S E C R E T STATE 047326 

NOFORN
SIPDIS 

E.O. 12958: DECL: 05/08/2034
TAGS: PINR IR
SUBJECT: (SBU)  LULZSEC AND ITS POSSIBLE RELATION TO HAMAS
AND THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT(C-NE9-00993) 

Classified By: SUZANNE MCCORMICK, DIR., INR/OPS.  REASON:  1.4(C). 

¶1.  (C/NF)  WASHINGTON ANALYSTS ARE HIGHLY INTERESTED IN
REPORTS REGARDING IRANIAN GOVERNMENT'S PRESENCE IN CYBERSPACE.
ANTI-AMERICAN SLOGANS AND MESSAGES HAVE BEEN SPREAD WITH
THE AID OF ILLEGAL HACKING.  THESE ATTACKS ARE MOST LIKELY
A COOPERATIVE ACTION OF BOTH HAMAS AND THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT.
ON 17 JULY 2011, THE SUN WAS HACKED BY LULZSEC AND A STORY WAS
PLACED WHICH THREATENED THE LIFE OF RUPERT MURDOCH. THIS IS A
TYPICAL LULZSEC ATTACK, TARGETING A MEDIA OUTLET.

¶A.  (C)  WHAT, IF ANY, TIES DOES THIS ATTACK HAVE TO IRANIAN
INTERESTS? WHAT ARE THEIR MOTIVATIONS FOR WEAKENING WESTERN MEDIA
OUTLETS LIKE PBS AND THE SUN?

¶B.  (C)  IN WHAT WAY IS SABU RELATED TO HAMAS? IS HE POSSIBLY
TIED TO MORE EXTREME GROUPS SUCH AS AL-QAEDA? 

1)  (C)  WHAT KIND OF SUPPORT DOES SABU HAVE WITHIN ANONYMOUS
AND THE UNITED STATES?

2)  (C)  CAN SABU'S SUPPORTERS BE ACCESSED BY OUR INFILTRATORS IN
HAMAS AND AL-QAEDA, AND IF SO, HOW QUICKLY? 

3)  (C)  HOW CAN ODYSSEY BE USED TO DAMPEN SUPPORT FOR LULZSEC? 

¶C.  (C)  PLEASE CITE C-NE9-00993 IN THE SUBJECT LINE OF
REPORTING IN RESPONSE TO THE ABOVE QUESTIONS.
CLINTON

I must have drunkenly entered the mind of Hillary Clinton, because this hoax has received over 9,000 views on pastebin. It has also been republished in many other publications of high repute, as final proof of Barrett Brown’s paranoid theories. Until now, the Romas/COIN theories were based only on circumstantial evidence.

After further investigation of my internet history, it seems this whole hoax began with an extended masturbation session on /b/. After that, I spent about two hours reading through everything on WikiLeaks that had ever come from the Secretary of State. At the time I didn’t realize I was reading documents written by both Hillary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice, but they write in the exact same voice anyway. I studied every intricacy of Clinton and Rice’s authoritative writing style. I find it impossible to believe I did this without touching myself.

The only person who really picked up on this hoax was th3j35t3r, and he has since done his best to tie Sabu with Islamic terrorists. However, he hasn’t done half the job I did, and I did it only to mock those who would believe it. After all his practice, you think th3j35t3r would have learned how to troll by now.

You’ve been trolled so hard, Hillary Clinton.

Topiary Awaits Hearing as Speculation Mounts Hilariously

Ryan Cleary in Court

Uglyman Ryan Cleary exits the courtroom where lulz took place

Every tech nerd, geek and new owner of adult novelties are glued the their news feeds, all asking the same thing:
Will Topiary, hailing from the island of Yell, be a hot hipster or a nasty, ugly nerd like Ryan? Most likely, he will fall somewhere in between, and is likely a eunuch.

But we’re smarter than regular people, and we’re asking a different question. Ideas pour in from Lebal Drocer headquarters about how we can capitalize on the debacle as investigators close in on LulzSec leadership, reaching for the upper hierarchy, which @Alec_Empire reportedly hates.

Hands were wringing at the Chronicle office, painkillers swallowed, when cub reporter Nick Maccombs of the Chronicle.SU had an epiphany (acid trip) for profit. During a meeting with executives Maccombs released the deathgrip on penis and blurted out, without permission, “OMG GUYS LETS START MERCHANDISING TOPIARY PRODUCTS $$ Im having visions of bansai trees with monocles and tophats! well be fucking rich! Nigger-rich.”

Dolla dolla billz, y’all.

Lebal Drocer is allegated to have begun mass-production of Topiary merchandise including t-shirts, coffee mugs, posters, commerative chia pets and flatbrimmed caps. All proceeds will go into Lebal Drocer’s latest effort to offer smartphone apps to political prisoners which would allow them to continue the shared Twitter feeds of LulzSec hierarchy.

Lebal Drocer executives discuss the best approach to exploit Topiary's indictment while celebrating "bring-your-wives-to-work-day."

Lebal Drocer executives discuss the best approach to exploit Topiary's indictment while celebrating "Bring-Your-Wives-to-Work" Day.

“We hope this will keep the general populus dumb and sheep-like,” intimated Lebal Drocer spokesperson and transcendental man Raleigh Theodore Sakers.

[pullquote]“Also, cocks.”
-The intern[/pullquote]

Media Mogul is reported as saying, “[Topiary] deserves to rot in jail. He once crashed a defunct old piratenpad we weren’t using but it pissed me off on principle. The Second Amendment, God and country.”

In  the end, friends thought Topiary’s addiction to online chess would be his downfall, but that was before he was outed by Ryan, lol. We get to see Topiary’s  face tomorrow. It is absolutely imperative that Chronicle.SU covers the proceedings.

“$10 he is thin, pale and walks with a limp.”
-Sabu

Contra Cyberlynch Mobs (I am political!)

My bandmate Nic Endo had just stepped out of the room to apply mascara, so I seized the moment to beat a very secret (and very hasty!) tattoo to the social media feed that scans the Internet for all mentions of my name. But I could tell that something was out of wack with *this* feed in a hurry! I noticed some unusual activity coming from 4chan. A picture of a hot BBW bent over and displaying her gigantic sexy ass and gnarled yellow calloused feet, which I just wanted to chew on like a delectable cheese, appeared in my feed. Someone had posted a thread about Atari Teenage Riot in 4chan’s /mu/ saying “this is the most fucked up thing i’ve ever read.”

Editor's note: Holy fuck

I clicked the link and my T-Mobile 4G smartphone loaded this completely fucked up pink and yellow website run by this dumbass American named svirgula. He was just up to his usual, I guess. I mean, trying too hard at trolling and thinking he’s reeeeeally clever. Yeah, well he was up to this bullshit where he wrote this really intricate but completely idiotic hit piece on me, because you know that’s what he does. Just trolls people all vitriolic and contrarian-like. But get a load of this shit, I will outline his horrible argument with the skills I learned from West Berlin Hauptschule instructor, Mr. Hüüba.

First of all, svirgula is clearly a complete idiot. For he presented this argument with the straight face of a simpleton:

i) svirgula presented me with the Ryan story because he knew I would take up the cause in an attempt to look vaguely political.
ii) And then he showed us actual tweets in which i said i’d mention Ryan Cleary at our shows until Atari Teenage Riot finished a song about him.
iii) And then he added that I said I mentioned Ryan at the Melt Festival.
iv) And then he said that there’s no way I couldn’t have been completely uninformed about this political issue in the first place because if I had done even the quickest skim the news, I would have seen that Ryan was just a basic cybercriminal.
v) And *then* he just commented that it was depressing that I pretended to care about this kid’s cause even though I knew absolutely nothing about it, or even cyberactivism generally.
vi) This didn’t surprise svirgula because he never really thought I was sincere and that I’ve been doing the same act for the last 20 years.

And now my mom just walked into the room and do you know what she said?

“The thing about you, Alec, is that your whole ATR act has always been about your vague opposition to East Germany, even though Pappi and I kept you snuggled up in West Berlin. Remember that? But do you really want to know what the funny thing is?

“East Germany created this…”

“…and the West created… YOU!”

EDITOR’S NOTE:

Fuck you, Alec Empire.

Alec Empire is the sexy frontman of the cyberpunk act Atari Teenage Riot. In his spare time, he enjoys hollow activist gestures, rave parties and getting electrolysis.

Th3j35t3r Voluntarily Enrolls Himself in Dyslexia Clinic

Rule 34: Sabu and th3j35t3r

Due to his multiple moving violations confusing command hallucinations to tweet with stop signs, th3j35t3r has had his d0xing license taken away after a failed an hero.

Neoconservative DDoS faggot “th3j35t3r” announced on Thursday evening in a poorly written Pastee that he would begin seeking treatment “at the syldxiea clinic.”

“Ya I ben having lot sof conversations with my wifey Mach and we think thats the best thing for me at this time, rumers of me haveing downs are grately exagerated, I actually have asspurgers” Th3j35t3r wrote this in the Chronicle.SU comment section, which he frequents regularly during extended fap sessions, as he squats over a mirror for a better view of his gaping asshole. He elaborated, “I once read a publishers clearinghouse advertisement as a personal letter from my mother and bought 14.6 million dollars worth of subscriptions to fish and fowl.”

However, members of #jester told a slightly more sordid story.

“Basically he was illiterate,” said Chatterb0x, connoisseur of vegetarian Hot Pockets, which are for people who dont eat meat, but still want diarrhea. The j35t3rfag and Chatterb0x both frequent the same glory hole on every topic that no one gives a shit about. “He made me cam with him topless once and to brow beat me in to writing his Pastee entries, telling me “it rubs the hair gel on its nipples or it gets the DDoS again! I didn’t really understand. I felt so dirty and confused, and I had to wring my pillow out 3 times that night before I finally fell asleep.”

“The guy struts around in a women’s one piece french-cut swimsuit, a potato wedged in his ass crack to ward off the evil potates, wearing a full face latex los luchadores mask. Always comes up to me and asks ‘Chattie, do you think that I’m a baddie?’ Whatever the lord fuck that means. Dude has an awesome collection of Batman comics, though.”

Fans and beneficiaries of the j35t3r and his work include the Dept. of Justice, NAMBLA and Dell Computers.

Editor’s note:

 “I’m Adrian Chen, and I can’t see the humor in the Chronicle.SU and why they like to be ripping on The Jester (TM). I think the jester is a pretty cool guy. eh DDoS unintelligible jihad sites and doesnt afraid of anything.”

I’m Adrian Chen, and I endorse CP, among others that may or may not ring true.