Just another mass murder suicide

INTERNET — Another suicidal man with assault weaponry went out in a blaze of infamy. Headlines stoked his epic kill streak and offered a vanishing thin narrative of the events as officials in law enforcement offered bare facts in ten second bursts throughout the day.

The next afternoon, survivors speak at length of the more . . .

Griefers of Gaia Online

GAIA, INTERNET — Sometimes I go barefoot. I wear a crimson lion mask and deal wrathful protection with a katana.

Before me is oceanic weeb, white noise chatter gathered around a fountain. This is Towns, a graphical chat in Gaia Online. It is IRC with the added benefit of chibi avatars. Gleeful neon pixies dance . . .

Child raised by monkeys ‘better off’ without human family

For years a noble group of savage monkeys raised a baby as their own.

LOS ANGELES – Investigators working on an impromptu scientific study have determined a boy found living among our furry primate cousins is actually “better off” than if his original human parents, the Smiths, had raised him as their own.

Separated . . .

Big news as something happens in front of many people

white-guy-scared-of-bitchstorm

Something certainly seems to be happening: Image.

Washington– Reports came in from around the world Friday indicating something is happening somewhere, for big reasons.

“Something is definitely going on,” said an eyewitness in a phone interview from his apartment. He asked to remain anonymous. “It’s bad but people are smiling about it.”

All this . . .

Controversy as Slavoj Zizek talks at Left Forum

INTERNET — Taryn Fivek is dressed in all black, backed by Marxist guru Molly Klein AKA RedKahina, who has some kind of Chinese hat and togas loosely knotted around her body. She chews on one and fiddles with it, staring at her internet device. Slavoj Zizek is sitting on the stage, sweating . . .

The Captivity of Gollum

“Thief!”

“Tall pale king man wears a dirt costume, my precioussss. Mean, tricksy. Wantses my precioussss but the Baggins has it! Thief! Liar!”

Aragorn struck Sméagol with the back of his hand and tightened the ropes cruelly.

With a screech, Gollum collapsed and wept. “It’s worse to poor Sméagol than Sauron. Gollum, gollum, gollum.”

. . .

that topical material is so meaningless

start your career rolling

but the world is both enormous and small, and other platitudes! What are your platitudinal coordinates, captain?

Can’t type that on an iPhone!@

Can’t type shit on an iphone.

Jeremy Scahill uses Apple’s Encryption for all his sensitive journalist work, so you know it’s safe

Moths are beating themselves mercilessly against the auto glass . . .

Tips for getting along with new co-workers

The work is already piling up behind kilgoar at his new cubicle job. He now hates Mondays, and drinks from novelty coffee mugs with cute office humor printed on them.

Your empty smile fools no one, because you are an insecure piece of shit and everyone knows it.

So you’ve started work at a new office, and you want to make a good impression. You’re not trying to make friends, but you don’t want to come off as an unapproachable ogre, either.

Here are . . .

Experts: All social media now ‘just circles’

Lebal Drocer, Inc. Zombie Apocalypse Edition

INTERNET – Social media platforms, apparently fascinated by the roundness of circles, are pretty must just, like, totally circles now.

The phenomenon began when some neurotic designer decided to break away from every convention, including the shape itself of windows and computer screens.

With a twinkle in his eye, chronicle.su media historian Dr. Angstrom H. . . .

Lebal Drocer cuts funding to Charlie Hebdo

Charlie Hebdo maniacs are busy investigating their own assholes as they’ve advised all terrorists to do before car bombings.

INTERNET — We’ve always loved Charlie Hebdo. But now we hate them. They have taken things exactly one half-comprehending social media outrage explosion too far. That’s why Lebal Drocer, Inc. is dropping out of financing . . .