WASHINGTON, D.C. — Experts who once believed the Trump-allied persona “Q” to be a high-ranking official in the Energy Department are shifting their suspicions onto the mysterious leader of the Humanity Party (THumP), Christopher Nemelka.
In addition to enjoying near-total control of THumP, Nemelka runs a very successful cult on the Mormonism platform, and has published a great many books focused on spirituality, human advancement, and militarization of the Executive Branch.
Yancey, who goes by @soulreaping on Twitter (or Death on Facebook), says he is the creator of the iconic Guy Fawkes mask associated with Anonymous, and has deep connections to the mercurial, and oftentimes diaphanous, Anonymous hacker network.
Two weeks later, Anonymous heavy-hitters @YourMarkLubbers and @mezcal1323 opened a public dialog about the secretive cult leader. Some claim to have evidence Nemelka, a socially conservative, fiscal liberal who supports Trump, is associated with QAnon, if not somehow in direct control of the movement.
And so the search continues: Who is the true Good Old Boy? Anonymous experts say all signs point to Chris.
His blog is currently locked down. Internet Chronicle investigators are standing by. If you or someone you know has access to the Christopher Nemelka blog, please leave your contact information in the comments field below, and a fake news journalist will reach out through encrypted channels.
This message is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Contact us immediately.
INTERNET — Computers turned people from apes into apes that can view and interact with apes and their messages from anywhere in the world. People are now a multiplying, interconnected, knowledge-sharing cancer. We’re a computer virus in the planetary system.
All social media is inherently evil, so how is myspace better than Facebook?
But remember myspace? Sure, after everyone went to Facebook, myspace was a sad, broken scene. In fact, there was a period between 2008 and 2015 where I had been unable to create a profile, just to see the place again.
Billions of people and bots now use Facebook every day. People use it for their reasons, and the bots use it for their own reasons, plus people.
Cambridge Analytica behaves as both.
At one time, Facebook was simply a website for college students to get mad puss, so naturally we all went over to Marko Zuckerberg’s place and made a profile. Today there’s no telling what your 2004 facebook profile is worth, but it’s probably in the hands of every marketer, scammer, and blackhat attacker that ever wanted it.
We left our space when we left myspace, and went to Facebook, where everything and everyone looked more or less the same. Homogeneity therefore made our messages more important, and gave us incentive to set ourselves apart in the images and text displayed on our feeds.
It would be interesting to see myspace still in business. Because users had control of their own pages’ appearance, people used music and background pictures to set yourself apart. Bots rarely did this!
Russian bots on myspace now would have background images of farmland and hardworking good old boys, while God Bless the U.S.A. plays in the background. The bots’ memes to steer hatred away from Russia, only to splash it back out at each other would be all the more hilarious. Unfortunately, that would never happen because myspace never reached so deep into people’s lives as Facebook has done.
All social media is inherently evil, so how is myspace better than Facebook?
For starters, myspace did not sell your shit to Russia. Or if they did, I haven’t heard about it. I don’t care if they did! My opinion is special and you’re still reading it.
They also didn’t track you all over the web, using artificial intelligence to build personality profiles around you, which is objectively pretty cool but really, if we hadn’t been so slowly acclimated to that tracking shit, we might have asked ourselves, why are we tolerating this?
I would be motherfucking pissed if I found out a friend in my group was recording my conversations, building character profiles around me and my friends, connecting the dots between innocuous information we shared, and searching – like a stalker would do – for deeper meanings behind those connections and what it means for them being able to profit from that intimate access. That’s something a very sick person would do. You know this, but you guys keep coming over and hanging out at his house, anyway.
That’s weird, man. That’s fucked up.
Myspace was so much better than Facebook.
As far as sites go, Facebook is not even in my top 8. My favorite webpage is a 404 error.
Hey dudes. Dr. Troubadour here, and I am writing to you from Nepal! This four-part column comes after an exclusive spiritual love retreat with Trail Boss Christopher Nemelka, in which we spent two days and three nights plumbing the depths of our Mormon souls, in a divine quest to unlock vexing mysteries of the front hole.
Later I took ayahuasca, experienced ego death, and condensed my pontifications into beads of enlightenment for the purposes of this article, which was edited down – for your convenience – to fit into a palatable word count for your broken attention spans.
Without further ado (that means cut to the fucking chase), follow my researched tips for a healthy relationship that puts YOU in control!
1. No friends. “It’s just you and me, now”
First things first!
It used to be you needed to learn an instrument or how to sing in order to manipulate a woman’s reality. But with Christopher Nemelka’s patented technique, you will control a female within three well-crafted text messages, guaranteed.
Women love reassurance. Turn her reassurance into co-dependence with this one easy trick!
Dr. Troubadour says tell them things like, “Sure is nice bein’ free,” or “It’s like all our problems are over.” Christopher Nemelka added, “Make them feel dumb by using big words that only appear in the books you write!”
2. Keeping Score
Stay sharp! A good memory pays dividends in a loveless relationship such as your own. Do you remember that time she dropped your Special Edition iPhone, scuffing the case? Or what about when she clicked Like on another man’s Facebook photo?
What do ya say, Ref!?
Patriots such as yourself like to keep score. A true patriot Never Forgets. Teach your property a lesson she’ll Never Forget by assigning monetary values to the countless ways in which she has hurt your snowflake feelings.
By talking in a language women can understand (money), you will finally convey your true bitterness.
3. Withholding Sex
This paragraph could get pretty dark, and into a legal gray area, so let me just say, “Each of you are redefining your comfort zones right now,” and a person’s worth is valued only in direct proportion to the respect you have for them!
Demand sex when she’s not interested, and withhold it when she is. Unless that’s what she’s into!
4. No room for growth
People change over time. Over time, we learn new things about our lives, goals, and dreams. That’s OK. But once you get hold of the woman, that shit’s over.
Hobbies and interests are threatening. If you feel like her personal needs are cutting into your own, offer gentle ultimatums, like, “I understand you no longer love me, and want to go to yoga classes four nights a week. That’s fine. When you get home, I’ll be gone. Maybe I’ll be back.”
Start following these tips today and get started on your journey into spiritual dominance. Because the world owes you!
This message is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.
LAS VEGAS — Bookies have announced they are taking bets to see which fake TV doctor personality takes home celebrity sex offender gold in 2019. Three suspicious men surfaced with apparently clean records. We’ll unpack each nightmare together, and you’ll be ready to place your bets.
“But there are stories.”
Lurking behind the desperate eyes of Hollywood doctors are untold horrors of TV malpractice. Who will go down first? Here’s a breakdown of the three most influencial TV doctors on the air today.
“America’s Doctor” is a straight-shooting, plain-talking, mass media medicine man. And he loves a good revolutionary, miracle breakthrough.
Oz made neoliberalism fun again. Getting medical advice should feel a little bit like a game show, and a little like a multilevel marketing infomercial.
“I have not seen a doctor in 9 years. Dr. Oz is the only one I trust,” says Corey Feldman, from a weird place.
Doc Oz, with a career that pays him in mansions and blowjobs, is ripe for a sex abuse scandal because of the decadence of his lifestyle, and because of the amount he is worth if someone can score a hit on the end of his undoubtedly magnificent rod.
How rich is Dr. Oz?
“Cancer is our Angelina Jolie,” Oz said. “We could sell that shit every day.”
Dr. Phil and his show staff have been accused of providing drugs and alcohol to guests with addiction issues before they would come on his show.
What else did Dr. Phil make them do while they were drunk?
“You could start a football team from Dr. Phil victims,” says Chloe, our psychic TV medium. “Touch football.”
Dr. Armstrong H. Troudabor?
What might normally constitute a paralyzing blow to an ordinary doctor’s career is unlikely to move Dr. Troubadour, who has been implicated in peer review scandals, child army camps, death hoaxes and even once made pills from the ground up remains of aborted Chinese fetal tissue.
Not only is Troubadour unlikely to be toppled by sex abuse scandal, he penned the guide on How to Treat a Lady.
But rumors are bubbling him up to our #3 pick for 2019 celebrity abuser of the year. Don’t let his bronze position on the podium fool you: Dr. Troubadour probably did some pretty, pretty bad stuff to get here, and it could just as easily be him in the end.
Because if he experiments in the workplace like he experiments in the lab, Troubadour is in hot water.
SAN DIEGO — They’re not prostitutes. They’re comfort girls for veterans, according to emergency legislation protecting lawmakers from legal action when charging personal expenses without consent to political campaigns or charities.
“We want to protect people like Duncan, who are not afraid to pretend to care about things in order to get shit done.” –Virginia delegate Bob Marshall
“They remember them as comfort girls,” according to Raleigh Sakers, a whoremonger in the East Village, and eccentric CEO of a Silicon Valley start-up called Lebal Drocer, Inc.
“What’s the matter, you think just because a man goes to war and fights for his god damn country, he should come home and face punishment and restrictions on what he’s allowed to do with his own fuckin’ body?” Sakers shouted. “For cryin’ out loud! Let the boy get his stinger wet. I bought him a comfort girl–well, I didn’t–the Wounded Warriors paid for it. Been that way ever since Hunter got caught Duncan the honey jar.”
The Miami-based brothel Lebal Drocer Therapy Holes is coordinating efforts with the RT Sakers Association For Transcendental Men to bring therapy girls to disenfranchised veterans left behind by the system. They call it the Duncan Foundation, and they say the sex workers – of whom about 2% are going to veterans – are thrilled to bang out a good cause.
“We’re stealing from a charity that’s basically a theft ring in its own right,” explains Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, who chairs the Foundation. “Hell, even the people running Wounded Warriors steal from Wounded Warriors. Bogus charities are kind of a meme by now. It’s a very popular business model. Rather than fighting or punishing congressmen for bad behavior – which forces that activity underground – it’s better to go ahead and codify it now, so people don’t have to feel bad about stealing from those in need.”
While Wounded Warriors might still be a criminal enterprise embezzling most of their donations, that doesn’t have to mean important leaders like Duncan Hunter should face penalties.
[Editor’s note: A criminal stealing from criminals? Sounds like a vigilante! Hot damn, let’s finish this article already. All this talk about whores has got me ready for wet wet.]
The new law also pushes campaign finance directors to earmark hush money, so victims speaking out can not interfere with important political processes.
Lebal Drocer stocks rose 40% Friday morning after the company’s eccentric executive Raleigh T. Sakers announced that he would return to the asbestos industry. This comes just two months after an explosive re-conceptualization of the Environmental Protection Agency, which now offers a framework for allowing new asbestos products back into US markets.
“It was high time the EPA recognized asbestos has a place not only on the periodic table of elements – it’s all natural – but in American homes, too,” Sakers said. “That’s why I, personally, – Raleigh Theodore Sakers – will blow the first load of Lebal Drocer Patented Asbestos Foam into one lucky homeowner’s hovel, blessing that shitnest with flame retardant properties!”
Asbestos is a clean, efficient product designed to keep you warm during the winter, and flame retardant for when you fall asleep with a cigarette burning or a doobie.
Qualifying Americans are automatically enrolled in the upcoming asbestos replenishment plan. The top one percent are exempt from the asbestos replacement tax penalty, as well as anyone wealthy enough to prove they should not be exposed to the mineral. There is a tax waiver being offered to those who agree to a one-month free trial of Amazon Prime. Cancel any time.
For more information about Asbestos and its advantages, read here. Overlook any health warnings you may see, as the site has become outdated, and they do not take into consideration our new & improved EPA testing standards.
MOSCOW–Americans wary of Russian trolls meddling in their social media need not worry. A mercurial group known loosely as ‘gangstalkers’ have reportedly shown up at targeted individuals’ workplaces, homes, and churches to menace individual Russian trolls rumored to operate dozens of accounts per day from a single computer.
Insider reports coming out of Russian troll farms in Moscow mostly involve the trademark sudden appearance of gangstalkers outside the homes and offices of the Russian trolls controlling our democracy.
Gangstalkers are even said to appear unannounced in public places like department stores and supermarkets to harass or intimidate victims. But is the group guided by a conscious force?
Do you even know what is going on in this country?
Russian trolls use all manner of virtual machines, VPNs and onion routing to disguise their activity from Twitter and make their traffic appear convincing to third-party network audits. For too long Russian trolls were allowed to poison America’s media diet with propaganda. Gangstalkers noticed, and began a full-scale assault on trolls by targeting individuals associated with troll farming in Russia.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is a former gangstalker and public speaker after retiring in the late 90s. Troubadour now describes his tactics to a small class of about 12 aspiring gangstalkers at the University of Lebal Drocer in Boulder, Colorado.
“No matter what you’re interested in, you got to be a little obsessive,” Troubadour told Chronicle in a phone interview Wednesday. “Whether it’s anime, or ejaculating on miniature anime figurines, or ordering plastic surgery to look like your favorite ecchi star, you’ve got to be just a little bit obsessive to get into this gangstalking stuff.”
Troubadour, a 49-year-old father of two, once spent hours each sleepless night scouring social media to unmask and harass Russian troll operatives popping up on his Facebook feed. Now, he just talks about it like an old burnout.
You used to be somebody, Troubadour. Now look at you. Smarmy cunt. Because a classroom full of college students thinks you’re funny, that must mean you’re a complete man, now, huh? You “made it” didn’t you? The fuck outta here. “Experts” are “Ex-” used to be somebodies. Now you’re nothing.
Real Gangstalkers: Call Radio Hate tonight at midnight EST to talk to HATESEC LIVE at (917) 675-4836. Internet Chronicle wants to hear your gangstalking stories and bloopers. We want to hear from YOU – the fucking losers in this world.
With Brown out of the way, Assange can resume carrying out transparency against his enemies.
The Valor Foundation: A New Dawn
Assange, no longer threatened by the imminence of the Pursuance Project, will sleep soundly tonight…if he can ignore the scratching sounds of Barrett carefully picking apart the floorboards, and crumbing for representation.
It was not all that long ago that fire and wildlife meant everything to mankind. And just because we’re not into that boring shit anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still pretend to appreciate 35,000-year-old cave paintings in this news article.
Before seamless.com all humans sustained themselves through hunting, fishing or gathering (get a phone, Cro-Magnons!), according to Dr. Mann Lee Troubadox of the Lebal Drocer Institute for Cellular Data Technology. Troubadox, with his team of nameless indigenous children, recently discovered a swathe of cave paintings that revealed just how boring life was before the newly-refined iPhone X.
“We listened to consumers and wish to assure you the new features contained in the iPhone X Plus will piss on Samsung’s barbaric emoji keyboard, as Calvin would defiantly piss upon a Ford icon or – if you’re a Jeff Gordon fan – a Chevrolet bow-tie,” Troubadox said. “My team attempted to downvote every painting on the cave walls, whether it was for a lack of attention to important details, or the artist failed to capture the aesthetic that a Snapchat filter might’ve offered – or for other reasons – like if the painting was offensive, off-topic, or painted in the wrong sub-cave.”
While the Android world is making strides every day in camera technology, it took hundreds of thousands of years for cave paintings to move away from uninteresting tales about hunter/gatherer lifestyle, and into cool shit like marking the sudden appearances of supernovae: star explosions that were once inaccurately attributed to God, before woke cave painters like Banksy could hear Carl Sagan auto-tuned.
Though we are likely two months out from seeing the next iPhone, Troubadox and his team are working tirelessly to scan and publish cave paintings, as if they are even remotely worth looking at when there’s so much cool stuff happening right now on Instagram.
“Instagram pictures aren’t just square, anymore. The introduction of rectangles to the platform has revolutionized the way people share,” Troubadox said. “We hope to recreate some of these paintings for upload to Instagram where they can be dismissed with the same apathy as the uninspired, insipid, low-resolution shit already on there. We want these cave paintings treated like pictures of your slutty friends and stuff. Jerk off to them, and move on.”
“Did you see that guy do a sick loop in his stolen commercial airliner before committing suicide?” writes a reddit user. “Press F to pay respects.”
The caves, after being documented, will be demolished to make way for a planned 2021 extension to the Short Pump Mall in Richmond, Virginia.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is being detained in a mobile diesel therapy unit en route to Cuthbert, Georgia in the Southeastern US, after documents tied him to a Lebal Drocer executive responsible for the stillborn deaths of hundreds of thousands of children in South Carolina, and who is sought in connection with an illegal “Fake News Bootcamp” where children are taught to write dangerous forms of Internet satire.
Georgia state authorities are seeking to question a prominent hate speech historian, Raleigh T. Sakers, who they suspect trained dozens of malnourished children to commit mass disinformation campaigns in their communities.
In addition to the defamed Lebal Drocer University professor Dr. Troubadour, recently released court documents accuse Sakers, the mysterious corporate executive behind the Lebal Drocer Uranium Waste Spill of 2011, of training children whose ages range from 16, all the way down to toddlers, to write lies, fabrications, and publish fake news under the guise of satire.
Sakers, who is also accused of exploiting the poor and disenfranchised for personal gain, has absolved himself of all guilt.
But them Georgia boys was watchin’
Cuthbert Sheriff Richard Petty said, “We had learned the occupants were most likely heavily armed and considered satirical extremists.”
The court papers show that Sakers, author of the self-help series “Transcendental Man,” is heir to the Lebal Drocer fortune, and hates fake news, as well as the so-called real news.
Georgia police executed a search warrant for Sakers and his estate after video surfaced of kids crying to be fed, while being forced to type on outdated computers in a hot crawlspace between two trailers.