INTERNET CHRONICLE proclaims VICTORY over ENTIRE state of Virginia

This is a reminder Internet Chronicle is the BEST and ONLY source of Real News Journalism this side of the Mississippi River, and especially in the Roanoke Valley.

What made CHRONICLE.SU the BEST and helps us continue to lead the Real News Industry?

Our reporters call to let us know if they’re going to be home after midnight.

They’re good boys, after all.

The Flintstones were so advanced, they figured out how to use dinosaurs as appliances.

As Alfonzo Hatesec once said, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! Which means DON’T rub your winky against the windows of sexy neighborhood ladies.”

That’s the only one time I ever got to see her face. You understand. When you’re looking at someone and you realize they don’t have any personality? They don’t have any soul? That is because they don’t have any flow or access to their ‘flow state.’ And neither do you! That’s because you never transcended!

-Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO of Lebal Drocer, Inc.

A human being is said to be in a flow state while creating music or technical works on an apparently autonomous beat rhythm in lock-step with their own creative background radiation. It is an experience of being a conduit between our thought realms and the senses.

Experience TERROR in a new and improved flow state!

At Internet Chronicle, drug use is punishable by mutilation or death, and employees (including marketing executives) are subject to cruelty. But that doesn’t mean YOU can’t benefit from such mind altering substances as TerrorMax, TerrorMax PM, and Extra Strength TerrorMax.

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COMING SOON: Lebal Drocer Permaflight to compete against Amazon Prime Terror Delivery Service
COMING SOON: Lebal Drocer Permaflight to compete against Amazon Prime Terror Delivery Service

In recognition of its greatness, Lebal Drocer, Inc. is pleased to present Internet Chronicle (CHRONICLE.SU) with an Internet Achievement Award. This award grants CHRONICLE.SU permission to impregnate and abort readers at will.

Media Mogul could not be reached for comment, but some asshole smoking a cigarette outside was available for comment. And this fucker had the nerve to  ask not to be named. It is with great pleasure we present to you, the idiot masses, the following:

In this CHRONICLE exclusive, Vice presents: Irony Boys: We talked to a Lebal Drocer executive, and this is what he said.

“When you agreed to sign into our website you entered into a Blood Contract, which entitles us to fertility rites in Raleigh’s honor.” Media Mogul, in a secret cabinet memo, leaked to Vice Media, Media Mogul Enterprises.

“I am the God Child.”

Media Mogul

Rupert Murdoch

Dr. Angstrom Asche Téreblange is the leading Lebal Drocer attorney assigned to defending river ruining toxic dumpages, and covering it up through money to the Roanoke Times. He is a devout Christian, and will soon be resigning to spend more time with his family.

Téreblange says in his dating profile bio:

“I am a terrorist at heart, freedom fighter by nature. You’ll soon regret crossing me!”

The Internet Chronicle has brought you MANY fine products, including Prescription Strength TerrorBloc, the ONLY terror supplement endorsed by a sitting Virginia state governor!

LEBAL DROCER

BY GOD YOU’LL LOVE OUR PRODUCTS.

“I swear to God.”

Raleigh T. Sakers, Chronicle founder, TerrorMax enthusiast, and Chief Enthologean of Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals

This message is brought to you PROUDLY by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Turning human beings BACK into PROPERTY since 1996!

“NOW THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.”

Kilgoar “Randy” of chronicle.su

Google HATES Internet Chronicle

The Internet Chronicle is ROUTINELY abused by the dominant search engine Google

Schmidtty baby, what's wrong?
Schmidtty baby, what’s wrong?

First, Google took away our ads. Google doesn’t tell anyone why they take away your ads. Google just takes.

Then Google sent us letters about their new algorithm blaming us for falling down their rankings. They would say shit like, ‘Our new algorithm sucks the dick of any site with large text for mobile, but actually since yours don’t have that, you guys can go fuck yourselves.’ So we adapted our site, and they told us to go fuck ourselves anyway.

And then they said broken links don’t do anything for them anymore, so whatever, I fixed all 1,100 broken links. Too little, too late: only useless infrastructural pages like ‘tags’ appear in chronicle.su related searches. Who gives a shit about tags? No one except Google, who either believe that is our site’s most relevant content every time, or just discovered a fresh way to tell us to go fuck ourselves.

You can’t find anything on Google about us. If you want to search this website, you have to pull up a chair like a big boy and sit down at your desktop computer. Then you may use the Fact Checker to the right hand side of the page to find content. This is our way of telling everyone else to go fuck themselves. Google. You. Everyone. There’s your search engine. It’s free to click in there and type.

Waddup with dat, right? Ordinarily, this would all seem pretty unfair. But we keep it even. I already told Google to go fuck themselves in 2012.

dr troubadourDr. Troubadaddy says:

“Google can eat a dick in 2018, too.”

Man endangers himself and society after contacting inner child

Bystanders say before turning the gun on himself, Tommy fired five shots into the air, screaming, “It’s gonna be a long night.”

Roanoke, Va. — Roanoke County Deputies say they beat a man back with sticks into a cage Wednesday, after he made first contact with the monster living inside him.

“He said he spoke to his inner child,” Sheriff’s Deputy Mark Rogers told Chronicle. “That’s when I was gave the order ‘shoot to kill.’ But I said to myself, ‘No, this man’s white. There’s got to be a better way.”

First responders said the man had a “glazed, wild look in his eyes” as he was preparing to kill himself near a group of girl scouts selling cookies at the Brambleton Avenue Kroger.

“He seen who he really was,” said Dr. Armasten Troubadour, of Health Insurance Memorial Hospital. “And he just seen red.”

Authorities say Tommy Jo, a 38-year-old security camera repairman, scribbled this suicide note moments before turning the gun on himself:

You’re gonna suffer.

You’re gonna bleed.

I’m gonna scream.

I’m gonna feed.

 

Don’t call the doctor.

Don’t call no priest.

I’m the devil.

I’m disease.

Friends describe Tommy as unhinged. Some friends, eh Tommy?

Tommy is being held without bond at the Roanoke County Courthouse, where he is getting a good night’s rest, and learning to love himself again.

Facebook figures flail following ‘Fake News’ freakout

NSA Today
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says “Real News” threatens Facebook profits

Menlo Park, California – After months of fucking with the Fake News Feed, Facebook earning reports state sitewide use has fallen by more than 50 million hours every day. Since they started dicking with the fake news feed Facebookers rely on for their daily news, they have turned to other sources for their fake news needs.

Mark Zuckerberg said he was “fuckin with it to make it more friendly and easier to spread Real News, like my 2020 presidential self-installment process that – and I reiterate – has not yet begun.”

2017’s fourth quarterly earnings showed a dramatic drop in revenue, supporting theories that claim readers are less likely to change their minds in the face of facts or evidence.

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Lead Researcher at the Paleocybernetic Institute of Singularity Studies (PISS), said his market research team is helping Facebook spin this data positively for shareholders. He even says he has a clever plan for Facebook to pacify investors by blaming poor profits on public health measures they have not yet put in place.

“In 2018, we’re focused on making sure Fakebook isn’t just fun to use, but also good for profits,” Troubadour said in a statement this afternoon. “We’re doing this by encouraging meaningful connections between people and businesses that sell them shit, rather than the passive consumption of poisonous Internet Chronicle stories … By focusing on meaningful connections, we can more easily trick the community into believing this rotten, sagging load of shit in their pants called Facebook would EVER act in their best interests.”


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Are you a dipshit on Facebook? Do YOU believe every headline you read? If you answered yes to either of these questions, that’s because you’re awake, self-deprecating, and you get it. You must be an old soul. You probably agree Facebook would do well to remember Dr. Troubadour’s tips for a healthy social media profile.

Facebook: Follow Dr. Troubadours three-letter principles, and get your facts straight post-haste:

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S.teady diet of grapefruit and TerrorMax

D.on’t fuck with the Facebook news filter

Use L.S.D. to keep the mind limber. This promotes business, starts jobs, and revitalizes the bitcoin!

dr troubadourDr. T says:

Invest in khaki pants and tiki torches, because the news is about the get REAL


And now back to the Real Fake News


There are rumors the speed of Facebook’s growth is now limited to the sum total of global population growth, now that the data mining corporation has touched every living soul with its aggressive tentacles of datarape.

“Mankind’s data set is virtually saturated,” Troubadour concluded. “If he wants to be President of the Singularity, Mark Cuckerberg needs to quit twiddling his knobs and let the free market run its course.”

Comment section:

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Everything’s fake anyway.” +1 :D +2 Likes

“I already put my baby on Facebook, because they/there ain’t got NOTHING to hide!” +1 Like

“S Jew W.” +1 :O +12 Likes

Donald Trump Predicts Bitcoin Will Hit a TRILLION DOLLARS!!!!

INTERNET — Today in a defiant press conference at the golf course, Donald Trump said, “Bitcoins are the ultimate in value. We’re going to end this shutdown by purchasing many million Bitcoins. I know, I have some great information, and the coins fix everything. It’s an easy decision.”

Trump pointed at a CNN reporter and said, “Faker,” when asked if he was using taxpayers money for criminal market manipulations.

“There are no rules in bitcoins as far as I know.” Trump imperiously dismissed all mainstream news reporters, including Fox. “We’ve already made the deal, people, the shutdown’s over. Go report something real for once. Bye bye.”

Internet Chronicle reporters were given exclusive access to insider gossip on the golf course in a no-camera interview at Mar-A-Lago on the same basis as Michael Wolff.

Trump crushed the golf ball, raging and even barking like a hound dog, “The MORE I buy, the LESS China gets!”

QAnonymous, the Q-clearance NSA hacker and golfing buddy of Trump chipped a ball from the rough to complete a birdie. “This is some good shit right here. THIS will be for EVERYONE. We can rig it to $1 TRILLION DOLLARS A COIN. It’s happening already. The storm is here and it’s the power of Bitcoins. Quantum supercomputers exist and in another year we’ll have easy control of any existing blockchain. We’re going to drive the price so fucking high and then milk ’em for as long as we can. WE’VE CRACKED THE CODE TO INFINITE WEALTH FOR EVERYONE, FOREVER!”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of Canterbury said, “Thanks to Donald Trump’s decree in recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, the end days are now upon us! Read Revelations and Pray! Prayer without bitcoins might mean ruin.”

Julian Assange undergoes religious epiphany

If Julian Assange were only retweeting Pope Francis out of the usual convenient messaging, it would be more of the same wry humor from the atheist hacker. However, in the past months Assange has retweeted Pope Francis more than anyone else, suggesting deep changes in his character of the profound kind usually associated with a religious conversion or epiphany. This far-out, science fictional prophecy from his Twitter last week gives flesh to the hunch:

It is well-known that mystics, shamans, and monks seeking proximity to the vast expanse beyond endure incredible isolation or physical stresses, and Assange has incidentally undergone a special and new trial, a digital stylite preaching to the world from the cramped office he can never leave.

Assange’s message suffers badly from a laughable popcorn-munching hype where computers are not sophisticated tools in the hands of the 1%, but rather more clever versions of their creators. Of course The Matrix and Terminator would be so much less sensational with a few computer nerds and Jeff Bezos behind the curtains, but Assange is one of them in spirit, and he does not want to give Dorothy the balloon ride home. He is a mad villain who wants to breathe sentience into computers, another Dr. Frankenstein with the mantras “Publish and be damned! Information wants to be free,” in spite of his sudden religious enlightenment.

Wikileaks and Julian Assange are the vanguard of an infectious planetary discourse that appears terminal to the world order. For all its oppression, lies, and terror, it is too easy to look back only ten or twenty years and see a golden age of civility, socialism, and geopolitical harmony. Democrats who once hated George W. Bush already look back at his wars of aggression with nostalgia, a totally morbid symptom if there ever was one.

Assange’s mystical revelation has the kernel of truth in that we’ve entered a new era by which the domination of the 1% is cemented by dehumanized technology and uncivilized discourse. Black Mirror’s The Waldo Moment is too terrible to watch. Some might say this is the end of the neoliberal era, but perhaps Assange has made its ultimate and final expression. The phony naturalism of the classic liberals now takes a singularitarian bent, and Dr. Frankenstein’s threatening, neofascist AI monster is already in power, controlled by men like Julian Assange who bogart all its gifts for themselves, cowardly cheapskate wizards behind the curtains. There is no good reason to struggle against the “AI” tools of the 1%, to wear strange makeup for surveillance and encrypt every byte of online presence. The quaint Christian message of Pope Francis that makes the poor and the powerless sacred again is enough.

UNBELIEVABLE CATASTROPHE: ACID “FREAKOUT” BLAMED IN WRONGFUL DEATH OF LOCAL MAN’S EGO

Daniel Serling’s face is permanently locked into a catatonic stupor after “epic” LSD freakout

A man’s ego was shattered Thursday while in the depths of an LSD freakout so intense, even his neighbors reported feeling it.

Jill Stern, 73, says she was peering suspiciously at the world through her blinds when she felt uneasy.

“I sort of felt what I’d call a cosmic disturbance, like Danny was up there freaking out,” Stern said. “I just knew that when I got up there, Danny’s ego wouldn’t be there no more. By the way, something’s wrong with me.”

Sure enough, when Stern arrived in the bedroom, there sat the hollow shell of Daniel Serling who, after partying with friends, reportedly went home and listened to Pink Floyd all night.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, chief chemist at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals and Chemical Research Labs, says Roger Waters so systematically and effectively breaks down the ego, that Troubadour and others are lobbying congress to reclassify Pink Floyd’s music as a schedule I drug.

Dr. Troubadour said LSD overdose ain’t nothin to fuck with, adding that he hasn’t been right since The Wall 2014 tour.

“I mean they’re all sitting around, dosed out of their skulls, evolving in front of us and meticulously presenting it in perfect musical form. That’s fucked up, it’s illegal, and it’s bad for the economy.”

Dr. Troubadour said his research leads him to believe that after Serling’s meltdown, people are less likely to buy the sweet new iPhone 7 Replacement Plus that Serling unfortunately believed were made from babies, ground into dust. Ordinarily, this story would end there. But because Danny’s ego collapsed so hard in on itself, the event has already begun pulling the collective unconscious down with it, destroying our shared concept of self, piece by piece, and replacing our motives with his enduring “Baby Dust craze.”

“He’s making us all dumb!” Troubadour told reporters. Suddenly, the doctor stood up and roared, slamming his fist down through the particle board coffee table decorating the Internet Chronicle‘s Grand Foyer.

“I already feel retarded! But the lucky bastard up in that apartment right now doesn’t think anything anymore. Do you understand me?” Troubadour demanded, corralling a huddled group of petrified reporters into his back office. “I want baby dust.”

Danny’s best friend, Attorney John DeSoto, said Danny was one of those dudes who seemed dead inside anyway, and the world is unlikely to notice the death of his ego, the realization of which is what caused the collapse and oh my god what’s it all for, it’s all for nothing.

“Like there just wasn’t anything behind his eyes, you know? Me stupid at the moment, and must forgive but I forgetting empathy, but I bet that was tough, being a flake and weirding everyone out with your presence,” DeSoto said. “We were usually happy to see him leave the party, anyway.”

DeSoto reckons Danny’s ego being shattered was not such a bad thing for the community, and maybe even serves some greater purpose to humanity. But Dr. Troubadour disagreed, adding that a steady regimen of vitamins and TerrorMax could straighten Danny out and reshape him into the laborer, citizen, and believer God wants him to be.

“We’re going to get him some Vitamin B-12 and help him relearn how to go to work on Mondays. So in the meantime, keep him away from those Garfield comics!”

Dr. Troubadour said LSD overdose ain’t nothin’ to fuck with, adding that he hasn’t been right since The Wall 2014 tour.


But that’s nothin’ a little TerrorMax can’t FIX RIGHT UP!

That’s right moms, all new TerrorMax SSRI-Legal US Version PRODUCT PATENT 2018-01-24-692379.b tablets are just the thing to get your mopey teens off their butts and onto The Right Track.

“Our little Stacey’s ego nearly died after an enlightening experience in the woods with her friends on mushrooms. But ever since then, we started lacing her dinner with TerrorMax PM, her night vision has improved 20-fold, and she is the most popular kid in school.”

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Danny’s dying ego made us dumb. Isn’t it time you felt numb?

“TerrorMax. You. Feel. Nothing!”

Jaime Cochran lived

Celebrated hacker and satirist Jaime Cochran made the world a better place

This afternoon we learned our beloved best friend, Jaime Cochran, passed away at her home in Oakland, California.

The headline of this story, and the words in the body do not make sense on the screen. We are grieving her loss with everyone right now. We have proven nothing we write here matters, so we won’t pretend like these words do. Nor do they help. There’s nothing we can say that will make the pain of this loss go away, and anyone who knows Jaime understands anything short of a novel simply doesn’t do justice to the life she lived. If you’re reading this, Jaime probably affected you the way she did so many others who had the pleasure of knowing her.

Jaime did whatever the hell she wanted to do, she was good at what she did, and she became successful doing it. She did her own thing, and it worked. She is a legend. People idolized her.

She was a genius, and working with her here was a privilege. She was like a gift from the Internet.

Jaime came into Internet Chronicle when we were still relatively new, when the .su domain was maybe only a couple years old. She instantly identified with us, understood what we were doing, and ran with her ideas, taking the website to new places and making everybody laugh very hard. Most people laughed.

Jaime loved trolling and messing with people’s minds, but then her work was filled with positive, joking messages that were funny to read. She took the medium and made it her own, and brought it to you all, and the quality of her work made us better just by association. This place is still a shithole, but I honestly can’t imagine what it would have been without her.

She is the funniest person I know, and we were privileged to have befriended her, and we enjoyed her friendship from the very beginning. Jaime was one of us.

When we met Jaime, we were going after dirty people, corrupt leaders and hypocrites on this website. [We’ve since stopped doing that, and now mainly just focus on basketball.] We went after hate together with the very animosity and hatred of the targets we ridiculed. She was like us in the way she thought that was a fun thing to do on a Saturday night.

Anyway, that’s how she named me hatesec.

I asked her ‘what are we doing here?’ I said, “We have lulzsec, antisec and prosec. What are we?”

She said, “youre hatesec”

I changed my pen-name on the spot and, until today, I never looked back.

I took our good times for granted. I thought there would always be more, more phone calls, more chatlogs, more love, more time and more everything, and I just knew I’d look forward to even more after that. I would always be looking forward to the next time I might hear from Jaime. Now I sit here in my bedroom, listening to her favorite version of Birthday Boy, and there is only looking back.

Those good times and laughs are burned into our minds.

But hey. Hysterical fits of laughter are the lifeblood of our bodies and souls, and proof time doesn’t exist, putting a big hot black punctuation mark on the howling pain of existence. When everything around you is lost in a dense fog of intense laughter, you are experiencing the physical manifestation of happiness itself, a permanent change in your body chemistry that takes place after you laugh so hard that you lose control of yourself and evolve against your will. Laughter is the mind’s lasting memory, and Jaime came here to show us there is only this moment, and it is fucking funny.

Jaime Cochran was fucking funny.

Thank you for everything, Jaime. You made the world a better place.

If you live around Oakland, friends and family will gather at Jaime’s favorite skatepark on Saturday, Jan. 13 from 1 to 4 p.m. DeFremery Skatepark. The address is 1651 Adeline St, Oakland, California 94607. It will be 59 degrees and sunny.

On the same day, Internet Chronicle is hosting a memorial with Subverzo in New York at the Double Down Saloon on the Lower East Side, starting around 9 p.m.

Here’s some of her stuff you might enjoy:

Hate Radio

September 18, 2015: I’m just chillin’ in Cedar Rapids!

July 10, 2014: a very chronicle cultspeak, with kilgoar and hatesec, and maybe asshurtmacfags

July 7, 2014: hatesec and asshurt talk about shockwaves, oil futures and sudden infant death

May 16, 2014: Jamie Jo Corne’s “Washington Bull Party” plan comes to fruition in Washington, D.C.

A few of her articles

In Wake of Devastating DDoS Attack, Chronicle Staff Finds Solace in Works of Internet Anthropologists

Why North Korea Was Behind the Sony Hack, for Silly Heads!

A Metamodernist on Psychdelics

Heroic Walmart Employee Admits to Not Caring About His Job

Experts Reveal the Internet Chronicle is a Real Site

Her band:

Here’s some stuff she liked, that she thought everyone else should like, too:

I love you with all of my heart, Jaime. We love you, and your family, too.

Make my shit the Chronicle

Y’all smokin’ Truth up in here or what? Oh shit, lemme hit that, son! Yo this shit is fire!

RARE PHOTO: Tupac and a young Osama bin Laden unite in shared distaste for evil-ass white motherfuckers
RARE PHOTO: Tupac and a young Osama bin Laden unite in shared distaste for evil-ass white motherfuckers

aight now ima git u fucked up, fucked up real good you understand.

yo i’m the fuckin police, put your hands on that wall. i said put your fucking hands on that wall and spread your legs!

didn’t think i was a cop, DID YA!?

DIDN’T THINK THE LAW WOULD FIND OUT, HUH?

WELL WE KNOW YOU AND YOUR COCKSUCKA FRIENDS HAVE BEEN IN HERE ALLLLL NIGHT SMOKIN TRUTH, AND YOU KNOW HOW WE KNOW? BECAUSE WE WERE WATCHING YOU ON A FUCKING WEBCAM ON THE DARKNET, MOTHERFUCKER.

Why don’t you take a seat over there, on this diiiiiiiiiick, motherfucker!

DUDE I’M JUST PLAYIN WITH YOU, WE AIN’T NO POLICE, DAWG! IT’S JUST YOU AND ME HERE, BABY, OKAY? Now get back on them sticks and let’s play some FIFA.

Nine hours later, you look over at your friend and he’s like

“Ye fiyad.”

Donald Pussy-Grabbin Trump

Stay away from them boys and hide your weed cuz Sessions comin after it right fuckin now, watch out, that’s him, here he comes!

[but i thought the president did drugs?]

Julian Assange assassinated after release of #DeepStateFiles password

INTERNET — A team of masked men stormed the Ecuadorean embassy, Monday, killing five guards and Wikileaks publisher Julian Assange. Sunday, Assange tweeted a password which will open the 700TB ‘Deep State Files’ torrent to the public. Already this treasure trove of the Deep State’s most hidden data has proven that the CIA assassinated president John F. Kennedy and installed Putin in Russia as an American puppet state after the fall of the Soviet Union.

Fans, friends, and supporters across the world mourn Assange’s death on the #DeepStateFiles hashtag as they circulate the evidence he’s brought to light against the Deep State, but they’re also expressing resolve and bracing for more violence.

Assange’s Girlfriend and assassination eyewitness Pamela Anderson said, “I heard gunfire and then they broke the door down with a battering ram and put a rag over his face. I thought it was only chloroform but when they left, he wouldn’t wake up.”

Anderson, in tears during her interview on Fox News, said “At the time I thought he was okay, and what was most horrible was how they took all the computers and went through all of his hiding spots in no time. In all my time in Hollywood I’ve never seen choreography that smooth.”

Cryptic messages from proven hacker and Trump-insider, QAnon, suggest that a string of assassinations of high profile Deep State targets are in the works.

bool highcastle = true; trump.shell(“golfsafe”). if putinist.iran == (feminism + assad){kimjongun.nuke(Guam)}

Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador interpreted QAnon’s message, saying “Obviously Trump says he’s going back to work, yet he spent a whole week on the golf links. QAnon is telling us that this is Trump’s only defense from the Deep State, who will have trouble assassinating him from the fortified golf club. Not only that, but Trump is plotting several major international incidents to distract the Deep State from focusing on him.