Internet Chronicle Headlines Will Stop Capitalizing Every First Letter Beginning now

No thought or effort, whatsoever, was put into this.

WikiLeaks unveils US plan to nuke all its enemies by Christmas

Assange addressed the world via teleconference from the Ecuadorian Embassy

INTERNET — Julian Assange, speaking by teleconference at a press release detaling WikiLeak’s newest hacked documents, said “ISIS, Russia, and China will be reduced to a sea of glass by Christmas.”

Assange spoke before a map of the world with small nuclear detonations . . .

But I don’t see any terrorists around, do you?

homer and lisa simpson

Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm. Lisa: That’s specious reasoning, Dad. Homer: Thank you, dear. Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away. Homer: Oh, how does it work? Lisa: It doesn’t work. Homer: Uh-huh. Lisa: It’s just a stupid rock. . . .

Family grieving after white officer unloads 16 shots into Tamir Rice ashes

Tamir Rice

“We perceived a threat.” – Cleveland PD Officer Timothy Loehmann

You know you fucked up when they blur out everyone’s faces but yours: Timothy Loehmann.

More tragedy Friday as Cleveland police officer Timothy Loehmann is accused of firing more than 16 shots into the ashes of a Cleveland boy he killed previously last year.

. . .

Why reddit incorrectly deleted a chronicle.su story from its frontpage (and why we’re happy to see it)

reddit alien

“Actually, I watch CNN, and that isn’t REALLY how Ross Ulbricht was CAUGHT.”

Today OP posted an older chronicle.su story to reddit, and about two hours ago, it was deleted. I don’t take issue with the fact it took so long for the public to pick up on this story [Editor’s Note: . . .

14-year-old Bitcoin broker braces for anarchy by 3D printing his own guns

chomsky-anarchism

“I injected it right into my fuckin’ eyeballs,” said Adam Goralski, a 14-year-old Roanoke, Va. native who recently became addicted to ideology. Adam said he used the Internet to administer his first doses of cyberlibertarian bitcoin paranoia.

“I just thought about all the freedoms we don’t have, pertaining to bitcoin, and Rand Paul . . .

Trigger Warning: 2015 Black Friday Hategasm

Earth Day protest at VCU

The deals were in short supply this year, but the violence was not. For your hateful enjoyment, open an ice cold Coca-Cola and watch people behave like animals just hours after eating Thanksgiving dinner. Be sure to laugh at them, and judge, as if you aren’t just as bad as the rest of them.

. . .

Lebal Drocer ‘Pain-Spray’ Offers Cheap, Easy Solution to Complex Emotional Trauma

LEBAL DROCER

Grieving? Destitute? Has the cruel pointlessness of life got you down? Teachers, preachers and therapists might offer tedious solutions with no guaranteed success. Don’t just sit there and “pray” the pain away. Now you can Spray the pain away — with SprayPain!

New from Lebal Drocer Laboratories, SprayPain™ takes the hassle out of . . .

Trolled Into Exile: The Histrionic Death Rattles of Andrew Aurenheimer

An unlikely alliance? Neo-nazi internet troll 'Weev' is now advising ISIS in propaganda operations.

ZAGREB — Weev, the internet troll Andrew Aurenheimer, wrenches his mouth open with both hands: He’s got big things to say. Nothin’ really comes out but the smell of gluten free gut rot — his digestive system is on display: a moebius clump knotted around an impossible constipation so extreme it’s a wonder he . . .

New Subway spokesperson touts strong track record of adult-only pornography

subway-eat-fresh

New Subway official spokesman: “I have no interest in your beautiful children, regardless of the fact they might love and actively seek out sexual relationships with me.”

Social media is abuzz with hype over the unveiling of Subway’s new spokesman. After news broke of legendary Subway spokesman Jared Fogle’s involvement in a child porn . . .