Man who recently appeared from another universe now ‘freaking everybody out’

Richmond — A Virginia man calling himself the Leader of Hellish Realms Too Terrible to Know, has claimed responsibility for the virgin pregnancies of more than 40 women and girls in the mountainous regions surrounding the isolationist Roanoke Valley.

Internet Chronicle readers should be on high alert for shape-shifters and ‘men with swirling faces, nondescript features, or indiscernible outlines.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Paranormal Investigator

The 1,342,227-year-old prophet’s identity is still largely unknown, but many of the girls say they were visited in the night by a man with a swirling, mutating face, calling himself Alistair Robin Rowntree.

“My curtains were blowing in the wind one night,” said Mary Taylors, a 17-year-old Cave Spring High School junior living on Poor Mountain. “But my windows was closed.”

That’s when Mary noticed twisting shadows creeping along her wall resembled a man planting sprouting, living and exploding cities behind in his footprints. She said the shadows took the form of a man, tall and slender in physique and with a swirling galaxy in fast-forward for a face.

 

“He was destroying planets with those beautiful, green beams of pure light energy that shoot outta where his eyes should be,” Mary said. “And then he looked at me. And now I’m pregnant.”

Mary said her vision and awareness became joined as one with the universe, as the ceiling lit up with the radiating  intensity of a blazing lazer show of intergalactic cosmic warfare.

Alistair told me this was our future, but he spoke in the past tense. He said there is a coming war for control over the gamma ray bursts from our galactic core. He said there are starfaring civilizations that want to harness ridiculous, inexplicable power. And then he fuckin’ said it is already over. So I don’t know.

Ellen Airy, a 20-year-old virgin from Iowa, is bedridden with immutable depression. But Airy said she awoke in the middle of the night to the apparition of a tall man standing over her in the darkness. And yet when she turned on the lamp at her bedside, only darkness remained where the man had been standing.

“I saw stars in the void,” Airy said. “All around where he stood, was my room, and my desk, and an easel where I paint. But an impression lingered of his presence. It felt like a dark and looming presence, you know? But I could see it, I saw stars, and cosmic events, like stars exploding near the event horizons of black holes, supernovae and heat death. It was fucked up. I know.”

Airy said the darkness beckoned her closer.

“I stood up out of bed. I was sticky from sweat and I walked over to him,” Airy said. “I could almost see him in my mind. I envisioned him with gray hair, a stubbly beard and black eyes. And as I got closer I looked deeper into his eyes – and the galactic swarm in his face evolved faster the closer I got – and he kissed me. Our mouths exploded into brilliant white light. Then he was gone. And now I’m pregnant.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Paranormal Investigator and field expert, says readers should be on high alert for shapeshifters and ‘men with swirling faces, nondescript features, or indiscernible outlines.”

Troubadour says these figures are known to operate without regard for the governing physical laws of our realm and outside our current theoretical models.

“So it was especially terrifying when Alistair arrived here on some kind of Lebal Drocer RingGo Stargate and, as far as I’m concerned, he can leave on it, too,” Troubadour said through gnashed teeth, revealed in an expression of wide-eyed shock and horror. “These godless wanderers of time and space come to OUR realm, rewrite OUR future histories, and inexplicably IMPREGNATE OUR WOMEN. I thought Trump was supposed to fix all this.”

Dr. Troubadour, who recently became the world’s first pregnant male real doctor, is rapidly outpacing the gestation period for a healthy human fetus, and looks “about ready to bust open” with a brood of unknown terrors, already seen percolating beneath the dermis. Terrors, he says, from another world.

“Or perhaps terrors from within,” Troubadour said.

Watch the nightmare unfold Fridays at 8 on NBC, after Access Hollywood at 7:30.


Tonight’s gripping witness to the unfolding of future nightmares is brought to you graciously by LEBAL, DROCER, INC. WE OWN EVERYTHING IN THE KNOWN REALMS

Readers: Has a man contacted you from another universe? If you see something, say something to the Internet Chronicle Inter-Dimensional tip-line: +1 (917) 675-4836

Cost of Freedom on the rise

Terrorists mourn loss of terror comrades.

Washington, D.C.–The cost of freedom rose another ten barrels of crude Friday, according to a Pentagon report published by Secretary of War Donald Scumsfeld.

Freedom, experts say, might never be free again, according to projections by the War Secretary that reveal an alarming increase in the cost of freedom over time.

Freedom was worthless in 1996.
Freedom was worthless in 1996.

“We expect the cost of freedom to double, or possibly even triple with the cost of oil in the third quarter, depending on what rights people are willing to give up, and in exchange for which illusions of security the NSA might reasonably offer.”

Millennials are pussies.

Donald Scumsfeld, Sec. of Ass-Kickin’ Drone Warfare

Some liberal cowards don’t want war, Scumsfeld said. Others hate foreigners enough to support total invasion and occupation their oil-rich desert countries.

“Our research shows Millennials are pussies, this much is obvious,” Scumsfeld said. “But even so, [they] don’t mind drone strikes as long as they don’t have to see pictures of dead kids on Instagram or Twitter.”

“Ew, get these gross dead people off my timeline!” – @J3ssicaR4bbit27

An unanswered CNN poll revealed that – although Americans are still largely divided along party lines – one thing Americans can agree on is that freedom of choice represents a right to the freedom not to choose.

One participant in the poll, who did not answer the poll but instead commented in the field below, said:

“We don’t care what all the government takes, as long as they don’t take away my American Pickers.”

Another good American citizen said he doesn’t like the way people in turbans make him feel, and that a search-and-seizure warrant should not be necessary as long as the government’s suspicions were “justifiable” and based on “gut instinct.”

“When I look at somebody’s different from me, I can’t really put into words the terror and confusion I feel in my gut instinct,” Anonymous bravely stated. “All I know is, when I get scared, I get mean and hateful, and buddy let me tell you this right now: If I get scared and attack somebody I hate on the basis of my prejudgments – or, prejudice, if you will – and you want to call that a hate crime, then by God, I guess I’m a hate criminal. What do you call that? Like a terrorist, but the other way around, right?”

Like many Americans on the Fourth of July, the despicable Chinese also take a break from stamping out iPhone 7s to celebrate their freedom every year on June Fourth – the same date of “the incident” that should under no circumstance be named.

At that, we turn to our Freedom Correspondent who writes from Freedom, Wisconsin, located at the crossroads of the Fox Valley. That’s right. Freedom is really located on the FOX Valley.

———————————————————–

Freedom, Wi.–Nothing’s free here. You have to pay for groceries, a house, your car – even gasoline. Some people just stare at the Sun, because it appears free. Little do they know, even staring at the Sun comes at a great cost. Little Timmy Sutherland, of Cartaret County, Wisconsin, lost his vision after staring directly into the sun during a commercial break from Naruto.

And so on, you get the idea. Good lord, are you still reading this?

text to tuRn yoU iNside out And aWAken Yawning beasts

A horror: You meet your dead friend and demand to know why she left you. You beat on her elbows and arms and shake her around, but she needs a cigarette. This is too much. She ignores your pleading questions from the other room, and you’re left wondering if she came back at all, or if she was ever really gone. Or, if that isn’t her in the other room then who, or what, is it?

You cry betrayal but, screaming backwards, praise the darkness as it pulls you in closer. And deeper.

An explosion of dense hate rips you apart as you cross the event horizon in ever-condensing segments. Your consciousness is reduced to a dull stream of atoms by the witches who occupy a brown dollhouse in the cobwebbed cabinets of your mind, which sit high upon a dusty shelf in the back of a barn, where the electric company forgot to come turn off the lights.

You grind your teeth as the witches draw closer, blurring your vision and vibrating your numb, tingling arms, stretched out in front of you, hopelessly deflecting their malignant stares. They swarm you and stab, and cackle and scream, as their scalpels part your belly like a virgin cunt. A woman is chewing on your ear, drowning out your screams with whispered secrets you couldn’t admit to on a deathbed, in a confessional, in an abandoned cathedral surrounded by a murder of black-eyed crows, that has already begun to pick your skeleton clean.

A withered hand reaches out of your guts and pulls out your tongue, slicing it off with yellowed nails at the base. You are asked to say the alphabet backwards and dance for the pleasure of pigs in the high-beam intensity of a callous judge’s eyes. Guilty.

From the other room, a trial unfolds and a jury agrees to hang you upside down, and let your blood drain out through the ears and the eyes. The witches return and, by their orgasmic moaning, you hear the sound of your spinal cord snapping, and your brain stem filling with blood. A yawning beast on the floor kisses your lips with her tongue and drinks the weeping viscera, ounce for ounce, letting not a drop sully her bed on the dirty hardwood floor. Her tongue snakes into your mouth, your throat, and your stomach. She winds her way through yards of intestine, to the guts and the anus, filling your person with the sensation of writhing maggots and worms. And in an instant – in one sharp flick of the tongue – your veins, organs and muscle flash into view, and the witches withdraw. You got too close. Get back. Get back and leave the barn now, while you still can. Get out. Don’t think of the dollhouse. Get out now. Ignore their cries, don’t look at it. Get out.

Stsaeb gninway nekawa dna RuN AWAY.txt

Man resorts to nearby public toilet as roommate begins shower

NEW YORK– A desperate man stood in the interior hallway of his Brooklyn home Thursday, waiting impatiently to use the bathroom.

“I was standing there a good five minutes, staring at the strip of light shining through the door jam,” Mark Allen, 26, told reporters in front of Tony’s Pizzeria on Manhattan Avenue. “That’s when I heard the shower.”

Allen said Janet, the hostess, eyed him suspiciously as he entered the empty restaurant at 10 a.m. and walked past her to the restroom.

“People are constantly coming in off the street and asking to use our restroom,” Janet said. “As soon as Mark walked in, I knew what he was up to. He said hello to me in a fake pleasant tone, and walked right past my station.”

Janet’s irritated demeanor told Allen his presence in the establishment was not welcome, and he began to feel guilty. Allen was determined to justify himself.

“I made it to the bathroom, and locked the door, so I had time to think,” Allen said. “I hadn’t eaten anything yet, having only just crawled out of bed, so while I was sitting there, doing my business, I thought, ‘I’ll prove that bitch wrong. Shoot me a dirty look, will she?’ Why, as soon I exit this bathroom, I’ll buy a slice a pizza while I’m here. That’ll show her!”

Without looking in Janet’s direction, Allen said he got in line for pizza, and ordered two slices of pepperoni, and a Coke. As he paid, he glanced over to Janet, who hung her head in embarrassment.

“I really thought he just wanted to use the bathroom like a common bum,” Janet said. “But it turns out I’m the asshole. Mark is a paying customer, and had every right to shit in our toilet. I really need to keep my prejudice in check.”

Sean Hannity Dead at 55

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of conservative pundit Sean Hannity who was found dead in a Fox News bathroom Wednesday evening. Coworkers reportedly found Hannity’s naked body “mummified” with Fentanyl, a transdermal opiate patch. Authorities confirmed the talk radio superstar died from the resulting drug overdose after applying seventy five of the slow-release painkiller patches.

Hannity’s death came just minutes after disciplinary action from Fox News executives. The talk show host refused to back down from reporting a bogus story claiming Hillary Clinton hired a hit man to kill alleged email leaker Seth Rich. Fox News lost nearly 300 million dollars in advertising deals this afternoon, after Rich’s family begged Hannity to stop spreading unfounded conspiracy theories about his murder.

Long time Hannity frenemy, Rush Limbaugh, told listeners Hannity picked up the nasty opiate habit at a Fox News 9/11 ‘ratings party’ in 2004. Limbaugh said, “Baby Jesus [Hannity] thought he could handle the hard stuff, but it can castrate even the biggest man. I made it out, but not many do. Rest In Peace, Baby Jesus.”

However, a growing contingent of so-called ‘alt right’ conspiracists believe Hannity is just the latest murder victim of a cult-like democratic party that is gaining satanic powers by eating the pineal glands out of gang raped children. Alex Jones told listeners, “This is it folks, this is the purge. I’ll be damn surprised if I make it to next year, much less next week. Hide your children folks, these satanists are coming for them sooner than later.”

‘Donald Trump did nothing wrong’: Critics SLAM Melania for refusing to stand by her man

Melania Trump disrespected her husband in front of the entire world.

A group of women from the Focus on the Family for Profit charity foundation cried out in protest Monday after soon-to-be-Former First Lady Melania Trump disrespected the President in front of their Israeli hosts by selfishly swatting Donald’s hand away as he reached out for support. Continue reading “‘Donald Trump did nothing wrong’: Critics SLAM Melania for refusing to stand by her man”

Trump’s first visit to home town of New York City met with [glorious praise]

DADDY IS HOME

President Trump returned home Thursday, for the first time since becoming national daddy.

Thousands of demonstrators appeared at the Intrepid military museum, a decommissioned warship docked in lower Manhattan, where President Trump met right-wing Australian Prime Minister Malcolm “X” Turnbull. Continue reading “Trump’s first visit to home town of New York City met with [glorious praise]”