Chuck Whitman Chronicle Show

Two enterprising young lads set out to entertain and motivate a generation of apathetic youth in the series premiere of the newest addition to FOX network’s Fall lineup, the Chuck Whitman Chronicle Show.

In this leaked trailer, viewers discover the impetus of the new FOX program: to answer the question, “What would Charles Whitman do?”

Backlash against the program stems from Austin, Texas residents who say the show depicts “fun on a level that is inordinate,” according to one student at the University of Texas at Austin. She requested anonymity, so we probably won’t publish her name until sometime after this story blows over.

The men in the video are believed by The Elf Wax Center for Serial Killer Analysis to be affiliated with FOX News, and connected to Ramiro Martinez, Texas Ranger.

Whatever. This story is dumb. Enjoy your senseless violence, assholes.

Virtual War Crosses Into Reality


Today, Call of Duty 4 took a tragic and deadly turn for the worse after SmokeyMcBong420 and PwnasaurusDeth traded insults over their PlayStation 3 headsets. Several eyewitnesses have independently confirmed that Pwnasaurus claimed to have lost a match due only to lag, irritating SmokeyMcBong and forcing him to challenge Pwnasaurus to a real life duel. Tragically, Pwnasaurus revealed his address to Smokey, who turned out to live within one mile of his house. Pwnasaurus had nothing but a double-barrel shotgun to protect himself, and fought conservatively-remaining under cover until Smokey approached his range. Smokey, an avid Sniper in Call of Duty, armed himself with a scoped .22 caliber rifle, and scanned the street for Pwnasaurus from his roof. Pwnasaurus took 5 rounds to the head, none of which had the power to penetrate his skull. Despite his wounds, Pwnasaurus skillfully snuck behind yards and fences until he had fully flanked Pwnasaurus. With surprise and massive underestimation of his 12 gauge’s effective range, Pwnasaurus was able to blow the entire neck and head off of Smokey with the first blast, and both his legs with the second. Shortly thereafter, Pwnasaurus died of blood loss from his head wounds. Neither were able to respawn, but both scored +10, resulting in a tie game.