New study links marijuana to hunger, passivity

Researchers at Elf Wax Laboratories concluded Tuesday that smoking marijuana leads to feelings of intense euphoria, joy, laughter, even thoughtfulness, but most of all, hunger and laziness.

“Some people may experience contradictions. First the user may find himself getting hungry, but this is immediately overcome by a sweeping sense of apathy,” said leading Elf Wax Medical Doctor Langstrom T. Armstrong. Apathy toward one’s body is what cancer researchers hope will push medical marijuana use into the mainstream but for now, he said marijuana serves only to atrophy muscles away in front of a hockey game on XBOX 360 through a two-pronged effect that also includes “not eating because you spent all your money on weed and Mountain Dew.”

Kerri Holt, drug warrior
Kerri Holt does her part in the War on Drugs and appears to be winning.

“I’ve been smoking weed five times a day for three consecutive years,” said one marijuana user who wished to remain anonymous, “and I have only been having mild strokes and liver failure, although that is because I also drink all day every day and eat Vicoden for breakfast. Pot is safer than most people think and for those of you who say it’s a gateway drug, I have one thing to say to you: I drink because my dad used to beat me.”

Most users report a feeling of euphoria while others describe episodes of panic and terror immediately following marijuana use. Anxiety, Dr. Armstrong said, is your mind trying to tell your body that something’s wrong. If one can successfully shut off all thoughts originating from the logic center of the brain, as most women inherently can, then a person may truly begin to bottle up feelings of insecurity, aggression and rage that under normal circumstances might be directed toward the corporate-sponsored military-industrial complex, and that user can then turn those negative feelings inward on themselves. NIDA’s (National Institute on Drug Abuse) website advises people to “Take a deep breath and embrace this opportunity to hate yourself.”

Marijuana is a popular tool for the U.S. Government to control the minds of free-thinkers. By keeping the drug illegal, they satisfy the interests of pharmaceutical companies who could not compete with marijuana and they delude the public into believing smoking reefer is a means of actualizing the mind’s often-dormant potential they do not want you to have access to. Its true effects include the right combination of apathy, disinterest, emotional desensitization, and illusory transient understanding of the forces that guide us to allow the shadow government to act in darkness, along their pre-determined circuits through the blind spots of our knowledge. Also, it goes without saying that many people who smoke grass believe the act alone of getting high is a rebellion in and of itself and their hat is now in the political arena; stickers are going out on all future election days with the slogan “I stayed home and got high!” printed on it as opposed to “I voted!” “It means the same fucking thing,” a sticker-girl told reporters around the Tabernacle Church voting booths.

"I fuckin' hate the government, man. So I smoke weed and just try to forget about it." - Some white guy with dreadlocks
"I fuckin' hate the government, man. So I smoke weed and just try to forget about it." - Some white guy with dreadlocks

In addition to marijuana, our correspondent said bumper stickers and Facebook groups are also on the rise, among other types of “armchair activism” that includes signing online petitions and forwarding emails. “People aren’t just smoking weed to get nothing done. They’re also sitting around watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond, eating at McDonald’s and refreshing on average five to eleven FOX-news-related twitter pages per day.”

I’m just so glad all those annoying anti-war protesters in the streets in Washington finally have a place to go,” said housewife Maude Davis, 73. “Now the only protesters you ever hear about are those religious types, and I like them because they stand up for the sanctity of life.”

The War on Drugs is not over yet, for as long as Nature has something to offer, the government will be there to regulate it. New laws are coming this Spring to a local law enforcement agency near you. Stay tuned for tips on how to think, live and feel.

Jesus resurrected for Nazi Zombies 2

Zombie Jesus
Zombie Jesus

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has returned from the dead, making a cameo appearance in the Nazi Zombies update.

The Second Coming, sponsored by Sony and Red Bull, will feature strobe lights and the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd attempting to cover songs off Slayer’s hit album Christ Illusion. Some analysts expect “mediocre” renditions of Supremist, “at best.”

Long-time fans of the Nazi Zombies mini-game featured in Call of Duty: World at War “can’t wait to shoot Jesus.”

Said little Jimmy Tinsley, “I’m gonna bury that cock-a-roach!” in a Cuban accent.

Videogame experts say Nazi Zombies is “the only feature that makes the game worth buying,” because “the actual game sucks.” Videogame experts are not paid for their work, however, and their opinions are invalid – since no one cares about what oily people living under their parents’ bedroom think.

It’s been a long-standing rumor that Jesus Saves, and XBOX and PlayStation 3 owners will be pleased to discover that killing Jesus will unlock a very useful achievement trophy: the ability to state-save Nazi Zombies – an ability that won’t actually affect the random-item box, but saves asses nonetheless.

Theologian Hunter T. Stockton said putting Jesus in a videogame, in which he resurrects, “The Second Coming,” only to stuff a shotgun in his mouth is horrifying to Christians and likely to result in petitions, protests and possible banning of all Treyarch games worldwide.

Treyarch, who are dedicated to making shitty, broken versions of once-great titles such as Call of Duty 4, said Christians could “stuff it” and ignorantly suggested they “go back to Christania.” What Treyarch’s spokesperson failed to realize is that Christians actually originate from a land of fantastic superstition known as Christland – where all prayers are answered within 24-48 hours, regardless of their effect on the natural progression of life as we know it.

Fans can find Jesus down their sights starting Monday, August 10th, 2009.