SALT LAKE CITY-Forensic evidence has a lead a hand-selected set of unbiased media deprived jurors to the unanimous decision that Nancy Grace was in fact the murderer in her own biggest story.
Mrs. Grace’s attorneys were not available for comment, because they are on a vacation to the International Space Station, spending Mrs. Grace’s legal fees, approximately 600 million dollars in all. Nancy Grace was abandoned by her defense after only two days of questioning-which was followed by Mrs. Grace’s humiliating and ineffective self-defense.
Mrs. Grace made a statement in a furious but failed attempt to exonerate herself and avoid ridicule.
“I am one of the most gentlest people I have ever known. Little Caylee was murdered before I even met her, and I love her as my own daughter. These last few months being under investigation [inaudible] they’ve been horrible, horrible. I’m not pretending to be anything but a crime victim who went to law school and tried a lot of cases. I’m not guilty, and I won’t eat your souls if given the chance.” -Nancy Grace
Mrs. Grace was sentenced to death by hanging because of a backwards Utah statute dating from before the Civil War.
CNN has modified its broadcasting to a 24 hour cycle of Nancy Grace reporting her own last days from prison mixed equally with heart disease and drug commercials. This paramedia assault from hell has ended the normal lives of at least 100 million Americans every day according to the latest Nielsen ratings.
Nancy Grace has begun to feed on the negative energy and hate filled atmosphere of her prison cell and has purportedly begun to “evolve” rapidly a la Pokemon. As her prison-bound rhetoric ramps up, viewers will keep tuning in. Nancy Grace Live From Prison is the most popular television event since the Iraq War.
Her guards have issued the resounding opinion that Mrs. Grace will not be contained by her cell for very much longer. The widespread belief is that her rate of growth may reach a critical ‘Akira-like’ tipping point and she may devour the entire prison, or even the planet.
The world's worst monster
“She’s just getting too big, too fast. Being stuffed with such pure hatred will give her the strength to snap those iron bars like toothpicks. I think if she wanted to get out now, she’d just rage her way through and kill us all. She’s only staying in there for television-she’s feeding her own hatred in an infinite loop or a downward spiral-whatever. She will never be put to death, I don’t think it’s even possible at this point.”
Born under a triple rainbow after a swallow’s song foretold his coming, Kim Jong-un ushers in a new era of Fear across the so-called Lands of Democracy. His birth marks the appearance of an entirely new constellation in the phallic shape of a nuclear weapon.
The decadent West is free only to Fear him and the collapse of their feeble capitalist societies under the imminent weight of his mysterious might.
The most beautiful response to the problem of humanity is nearly 26 years old, and beckoning you from behind the 38th Parallel to the doorstep of his jewel-encrusted palace where, like Christ, he waits with tidings of Love and the oppression of your enemies.
The difference between Kim Jong-un and his father, Kim Jong-il, Elf Wax political analingists say, is his fervor for nuclear annihilation, which puts his father to shame, miraculously without dishonoring him in the process.
“Kim Jong-il,” sources say, “Will grind your weiners into atomic dust for use in the nuclear warheads aimed strategically at Alaska – a hotbed of American culture, and the source of wealth, revenue, power and world-famous quitter Sarah Palin.”
Kim Jong-un will be appearing on Saturday Night Live, the Today Show, and the late-night talk show circuit following in the Ayatollah’s footsteps.
Rush Limbaugh is hailing the New World Leader’s glorious descent to humanity by playing hours of interview footage with ex-Soviet fighters who were originally commanded by Kim’s father, whose name also starts with Kim. These interviews include the comments of senile old men with heavy Russian accents who seem to be largely intoxicated. Most of these cold-warriors express a sense of jealousy towards the Socialist system of America-alarming aging McCarthyists nationwide.
His mother, Kim Jong-suk, or as she’s better known in certain parts of North Korea, Kim Jong-sukky sukky fie dorra, died from the force of his birth, as her pelvis was split asunder. Today at the age of 23, Kim Jong-Un is reckless and violent enough to dominate all his foes and usher in a new age of pelvis-shattering hate upon any place missiles can reach.
North Korean ship, Kang Nam 1, suspected by the US military of carrying missile parts to Myanmar has unexpectedly turned around and appears to be heading home. Intelligence reports the ship’s captain allegedly left the gas burning on the stove in his flat.
“It could start a fire,” said one analyst, Ernest H. Way, at Elf Wax Research Laboratories (Memphis, Tn.). The fire could then spread to other apartments in his building, Way said, “and that would be terrible.”
A fire is something like a weapon of mass destruction. It causes damage, and if placed in the right spot, can cause massive, widespread damage. North Korea has already stated it will “rain a nuclear fireshower upon the US” is provoked by an “attack.” Scientists are trying to determine if the North Koreans will consider an accidental kitchen-fire to be an official attack by the United States. Most scientists are reportedly finding that it will, and the United States will be punished justly.
This comes after North Korea tested an underground nuclear weapon in May, against UN regulations. As the world recoiled in shock and disgust, the United States said, “Awwuh aww! I’m tellin’.” Defiantly, North Korea has placed a long-range missile capable of reaching Alaska onto its launch pad. This time, the United States has quietly stated it is prepared to intercept the missile using highly-flawed and significantly unsuccessful anti-ballistic missile defense systems stationed in the Pacific.
With nothing left to do, the world can but sit back and wait to see if the Taepodong-2 is carrying a nuclear warhead, and if it will reach US soil.
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