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Sports Status Quo World

Police with Stun Batons Calm 3,000 Selfish Nike Workers Seeking “Fair Pay”

Underpaid Labor - Just Do ItPHNOM PENH, Cambodia – At least 23 slave laborers were disciplined with cattle prods Monday when Cambodian police were called in to end a pay protest at a Nike sweatshop.

Police with riot gear were deployed to move about 3,000 female workers who had blocked a road leading to the factory.

Nike, along with corporations such as H&M, Walmart and Forever 21, have been criticized for moving plant locations when the cost of local exploitation became too high for shrewd and careful shareholders.

Plants might leave a country because its weak government cannot withstand the social pressures of a nationwide call for minimum wage hikes. When a worker stands to make $88 per month making thousands of pairs of $100 Nikes per day, and the government is no longer able to accept bribes from the corporations to halt social progress, the factories move out.

[pullquote]Look, I know you news writers wanna help, but these people aren’t like you and me. They’re used to being treated like shit.[/pullquote]”These dumbass slaves who think they can squeeze more than they deserve out of their corporate masters are gonna be sorry once they finally run ’em out of here,” said Raleigh Saker, Lebal Drocer spokesperson. “Who’s gonna feed ya gruel then?  Fuckin’ savages.” Saker admitted he questions why his company chose Cambodia in the first place: “Look, they don’t even wear shoes. You think they know anything about sewing them?”

Eighty-eight dollars, Saker said, is “absurdly high” for people living in corrugated sheet metal housing with dirt floors.

“It’s lavish,” he said. “They won’t know what to do with all that money. They might could even hurt themselves. It’s for their own good, really.”

In other news, a ceiling collapsed on several Cambodian workers this month, killing two of them like rats crushed by a rotting ship cabin floor. They were putting together a high-quality pair of Asics running shoes. Asics allow you to run fast, trampling human rights with ease.

Authorities declined to comment on the clash, saying they were still counting bribe money. A press release stated the stack of money was “so large” they were considering hiring sweatshop labor to help count the currency, which “just kept coming in.”

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News World

Kim Jong-Un cancels nuclear war, reveals he is K-pop star PSY

Kim Jong-Un's real war was waged on our minds.
Kim Jong-Un’s real war was waged on our minds.

PYONGYANG — Thursday evening, Dear Leader Kim Jong-Un revealed to pathetic American audiences his secret life as K-pop star PSY, of “Gangnam Style” fame. The “Gangnam Style” YouTube video was viewed more than any video in the history of time, fulfilling the Kim Dynasty’s global dominance and the cultural manifest destiny of Juche Ideology. Both Noam Chomsky and UN chief Ban Ki-moon were swept up in the Kim family’s ingenious culture-jamming plot, which required Jong-Un’s younger brother, Kim Mok-Jong, to stand-in for him at home in North Korea.

By whipping up a global hysteria with heroic nuclear tests and bombastic rhetoric, Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un has drawn the greatest amount of attention simply to reveal this impeccable and magnificent prank. Cultural Anthropologist Dr. Ng Tong, who is credited with writing Gangnam Style, said, “The inferior Caucasian and African minds were not able to understand the overt anti-American messages of Gangnam Style, but it nonetheless became the most popular song. We can create hit songs like this at will, and over time we believe it will spell a final global victory for Kim Jong-Un.”

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Hate News Politics Uncontrollable Patriotism World

Tom Ryan Spearheads Cyberwar on the DPRK

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Under Armor Spokesman, @th3j35t3r Attacks North Korea

Under the moniker @th3j35t3r, a little-known Twitter account, Tom Ryan of Provide Security is currently gearing up for cyber war with North Korea, Anonymous in tow.

After a series of test runs against mom-and-pop DPRK websites, we see Tom Ryan, aka John Tiessen, as possessing the ability to completely cripple the entire infrastructure of North Korea’s Internets. While working with OWASP on Web app exploitation, in the mid ’90’s Ryan developed — with the help of a DARPA contract and Adrian Lamo —  a tool known only as XerXes, which sends “packets” to a given “serve,”, causing it to go offline temporarily. Some say it was also developed to really annoy Ron Brynaert.

This method, while not new, is very new and effective. The source code of XerXes has been hidden from the world for over two decades and far surpasses everything from WinNuke to LOIC/HOIC.

So is this a military operation? Is this what the NSA has been planning for years, General Keith Alexander at the helm? Or is this just a completely superfluous news article about something so utterly boring no one is reading?

We asked #hatesec’s Chairman of the Board Kevin Eubanks for comment, but all we got were some fucking lame jazz fusion licks instead.