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Politics Trolling

Occupy Roanoke: John Edwards chased away by own sense of shame

With original reporting by Kilgore Trout of the chronicle.su

Some believe Edwards is capable of lying even while not speaking, through photographs.

Roanoke, Va.– Occupy Roanoke turned hilarious Saturday when career politician John Edwards (Criminal) attempted to subdue a crowd of hundreds with the soothing sounds of meaningless rhetoric and campaign promises.

Edwards was promptly chased away by an angry crowd who demanded from him explanations on his dubious voting record of transparency, neoliberalism and human decency. Lacking decency, the North Carolina Senator retreated back into the shadows so everyone could enjoy their day.

Decency is one of many criminal cases brought against the old money presidential candidate, who left his wife on her deathbed for another woman. [Editor’s note: Edwards later told reporters he knew his decision would send a strong message to constituents that he is willing to give “whatever excuse” for anything shitty he may inevitably do.]

The Roanoke occupation continued as planned, Trout said, and will reside under the umbrella of Lebal Drocer, Inc. and her subsidiary, Chronicle.SU “until it gets boring.”

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Local Politics

Tea Party fanatic opens fire on the 99%

Monday, a Tea Party member distinguished himself as a true fanatic for America by opening fire on a crowd of the ‘99%’ protesters. In a crazed rant posted on youtube, the man referred to the massacre as his “Power Point presentation.” Police report 1 dead and 12 injured. Taresha Mcgavinsworth, a 67 year old survivor, claimed the gunman calmly invoked the second amendment before opening fire. The killer is in critical condition after he suffered 29 bullet wounds from the large group of police already on the scene. The police stated that the suspect was wearing full body armor and appeared to have military training.

Violent signs from Occupy DC

Critics of the 99% have complained that the Occupy Wall Street protests are becoming too violent. According to some, the 99% are all a part of Obama’s plan to institute Marxism. Anti-job groups, known as unions, joined forces with Occupy Wall Street last week, driving the numbers into the tens of thousands.

Daryn Moran, a disgruntled Air Force Staff sergeant, left the military so he could stand up against Barack Obama’s illegal presidency. He was “in the army before the gays were”, and has threatened to “arrest the president for his crime of a forgery, which is proven fact…What we need is a confrontation.”

Finally, Daryn Moran’s confrontation has arrived. Tea Party members have found a reason for all the guns. The ‘99%’ traitors are fair game for true patriots who know the dangers of the unchristian, anti-American, unconstitutional, and suicidal policy of Communism. The illegal president is leading the people into a violent Bolshevik revolution! His anti-Israel stance is solid proof that he is the Anti-Christ, arisen to destroy the world.

May God have mercy on our souls.

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Editorial Local Local

Welcome to Roanoke, Virginia

Roanoke is situated on the Roanoke River, which forms a valley in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Southwest Virginia. The Appalachian trail and the Blue Ridge parkway pass through, bringing in tourists. The Mill Mountain star, a giant neon light, acts as the centerpiece to the city. The historic architecture of the downtown area is quite charming, especially the Hotel Roanoke’s Tudorbethan styling and the Gothic spires of St. Andrew’s church. The newly built $66-million Taubman Museum of Art features modern design reminiscent of the Sydney Opera House and is home to over 2,000 works of art. Roanoke has also spent $32-million on a recreation center, convenient to the Blue Ridge Parkway. Nearly $8-million was spent renovating the City Market building, at which point most of the old food vendors were driven out by an increase in rent. Over $35-million will be spent to widen a stretch of road which is less than one mile in length.

In the past few years, Roanoke has seemingly had its hands on more money than it can spend. The building projects are a sign that Roanoke is doing well. Still, corners have been cut. Glaring problems have been ignored. Childhood memories have been destroyed. Roanoke’s Explore Park, a living museum and window into history, was closed in 2007. The Explore Park was a truly charming destination where visitors stepped back in time to a working blacksmith forge, a native village, and all the trappings of the colonial era.

Roanoke does not seem to value its natural beauty, either. Plans to allow a Chicago firm to place a wind farm on Poor Mountain have been met with defiance from nearby residents, but the County Council has continued to pave the way for corporate interests by loosening restrictions on the placement of the turbines. Although the majority of Roanoke approves of the wind farm, opponents are concerned the farm will destroy the area’s natural beauty and kill hundreds of thousands of birds and bats.

Despite all the extravagant construction projects designed to attract tourists and line the pockets of building contractors, Roanoke has shown some small appreciation for natural beauty. Roanoke’s greenway has provided a bike trail along the beautiful Roanoke River which has become an instant hit with Roanokers. Development of the greenway has not, perhaps, drawn enough attention to the abysmal state of the Roanoke River. Although the river is filled with litter, industrial equipment and sewage, Roanoke does not seem interested in spending its dime on cleaning things up.

tl;dr

Roanoke spends a lot of money on cockamamy schemes to draw in tourists and preserving natural beauty is, at best, an afterthought.