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Editorial Local Local

Welcome to Roanoke, Virginia

Roanoke is situated on the Roanoke River, which forms a valley in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Southwest Virginia. The Appalachian trail and the Blue Ridge parkway pass through, bringing in tourists. The Mill Mountain star, a giant neon light, acts as the centerpiece to the city. The historic architecture of the downtown area is quite charming, especially the Hotel Roanoke’s Tudorbethan styling and the Gothic spires of St. Andrew’s church. The newly built $66-million Taubman Museum of Art features modern design reminiscent of the Sydney Opera House and is home to over 2,000 works of art. Roanoke has also spent $32-million on a recreation center, convenient to the Blue Ridge Parkway. Nearly $8-million was spent renovating the City Market building, at which point most of the old food vendors were driven out by an increase in rent. Over $35-million will be spent to widen a stretch of road which is less than one mile in length.

In the past few years, Roanoke has seemingly had its hands on more money than it can spend. The building projects are a sign that Roanoke is doing well. Still, corners have been cut. Glaring problems have been ignored. Childhood memories have been destroyed. Roanoke’s Explore Park, a living museum and window into history, was closed in 2007. The Explore Park was a truly charming destination where visitors stepped back in time to a working blacksmith forge, a native village, and all the trappings of the colonial era.

Roanoke does not seem to value its natural beauty, either. Plans to allow a Chicago firm to place a wind farm on Poor Mountain have been met with defiance from nearby residents, but the County Council has continued to pave the way for corporate interests by loosening restrictions on the placement of the turbines. Although the majority of Roanoke approves of the wind farm, opponents are concerned the farm will destroy the area’s natural beauty and kill hundreds of thousands of birds and bats.

Despite all the extravagant construction projects designed to attract tourists and line the pockets of building contractors, Roanoke has shown some small appreciation for natural beauty. Roanoke’s greenway has provided a bike trail along the beautiful Roanoke River which has become an instant hit with Roanokers. Development of the greenway has not, perhaps, drawn enough attention to the abysmal state of the Roanoke River. Although the river is filled with litter, industrial equipment and sewage, Roanoke does not seem interested in spending its dime on cleaning things up.

tl;dr

Roanoke spends a lot of money on cockamamy schemes to draw in tourists and preserving natural beauty is, at best, an afterthought.

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Politics Reviews

SEXISM WEEKLY

Michelle Bachmann - Newsweek's Queen of RageThe Lesbians are pissed:

Washington — Newsweek magazine published an article Tuesday featuring on the cover well known Presidential candidate hopeful Michele Bachmann, enraged wife of homosexual Marcus Bachmann.

What is also well known about Bachmann is that bitch is crazy, but Newsweek was able to capture the crazy like none before them.

Her eyes pierce the atheist inside of us all, even the Christians, as they seem to embody Beelzubub himself. Sounds like the Chronicle just trying to be funny right? Look for yourself, and leave a comment as to what you think the stare means. [Be sure to tell them the Chronicle.SU sent you unthinking drones to express our enlightened opinion!]

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, the eyes are not her only disturbing feature. Her main selling point is the unsettling smile that appears to have been shot onto her face by a high-powered shotgun and seems to say, “I’m smiling because I need your votes, love me America!” To ice this cake of awesomeness and further troll Republican candidate hopeful Bachmann, Newsweek titled her article “Queen of  Rage.”

Some critics, including the prestigious and well-respected National Organization for Women refer to the picture as sexist – saying it’s either too feminine, or not feminine enough. Now I can’t quite put my finger on what the lesbian club means by “sexist.” It’s a headshot for Christ’s science’s sake. According to the lesbians, however, they used a complicated scientific procedure to assure accuracy simple test to draw such a rash conclusion: ‘would they do the same to a man?’

Terry O’neil, President of the Lesbians and overly loud spokeswoman asked, “Who has ever called a man the king of rage?” Good question, right? Wrong. Calling a man King of anything is not only true, but threatens to boost his ego to Kanye West proportions. Yo Neil, Ima let you finish but your argument is busted.

O’neil continued – for some reason – adding, “The ‘Queen of Rage’ is something you apply to wrestlers or someone who is crazy…” Well Miss O’neil, Michele Bachmann is crazy, and a wrestler at that. Her husband is crazy as well. Fabulously crazy. Anything else, sugartits? Of course! Women love to talk.

The lesbian just kept on bitching. “Good women will not run for office if Newsweek magazine can do this to such a prominent politician and get away with it,” she complained. Ah, the world may end if no women run for office, you have a point. Without women, our political system would get nothing accomplished.

Important figureheads would have nobody to file their paperwork, no one to scream at or belittle in the presence of foreign dignitaries – and without immediate relief in the form of blowjobs, who knows what ill fate might possibly befall this great nation?

Other conversative critics, such as FOX news and Andrew Brietbart, are blasting Newsweek for their supposedly negative portrayal of Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann, stating Newsweek has been bashing convervatives for years.
But Newsweek’s editors shot back in a press statement that read:

“You spend all this money and time making people famous first, before you even realize how fucking stupid they are. And then when the world begins to realize they’re diabolically insane, you blame the media for how they look. Mother of God. You should have seen her before we Photoshopped that cover page. Over half of our graphic design team is still out on sick leave. Also: seriously, lesbians?”

The un-doctored photograph of Michelle Bachmann
Actual, un-doctored photograph of Michelle Bachmann

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Fashion Law Local News Obituaries Politics

A Grad Student Who Knew Too Much

Berkey, at the start of our daylong interview.

On a brisk October morning in Brookline, a graduate student announced that he was an expert at something, to the total  indifference of his friends, peers and vague associates.

The student was reported to Chronicle.SU by a local informant and subsequently identified by spiteful classmates as first year Benjamin Berkey. Berkey, an enthusiast of the dark witch house music scene, tacitly agreed to make a phone statement to me by making dozens of unsolicited calls to the office of The Soviet Chronicle.

“I’ve read many thick tomes so, like Prodicus, I’ve become adept at choosing words. Often I finish sentences for other people in more exact ways than they ever could have expressed themselves. So, I’ve decided to go on a mission for total exactitude in language. Any time anyone strays from the Oxford Dictionary definition of a word, I will correct them in public in an elitist fashion. This will have innumerable social benefits.”

Berkey then invited me to watch him do his work across town to his sparsely furnished Allston apartment. I spent the next eight hours watching him gruel over a footnote, intermittently taking breaks to masturbate and troll the Internet with obscure semantic and grammatical criticisms.

“Work is hard, but I spend every second of every day knowing that I’m making a difference and growing intellectually. I’ve got a bright future and will surely finish my program with a good job. Not many people can say that these days.”

He then agreed to show me his favorite local coffee shop, where he ordered us espressos only to reject them several times due to “the quality of the crema.”

The barista eventually gave up and told us to fuck ourselves. We took a seat in the back of the checker-floored bar, next to a group of bicycle messengers playing bones.

One of the messengers from the group next to us.

As we sat down, one of the dudes among them, a pierced courier wearing a Brooklyn cycling cap, put the finishing touches on a lengthy monologue.

“…and that just begs the question, ‘Is McInnes libertard or not?'”

“Excuse me, sir,” interjected Berkey, “but I believe that you’ve made a mistake. The expression ‘begs the question’ does not in fact designate something that raises questions, but instead refers to an instance of circular reasoning. Be warned.”

The messenger looked over at him and his septum piercing flicked a little spark of a glint in the light. A pug-faced drunken crusty messenger appeared from among the group.

“Why you gotta be a bitch, man? Nobody asked you, faggot. Nobody spoke to you.”

The altercation deeply shocked Berkey, who became horribly insulted. He began to shake and then suddenly walked out of the coffee bar and refused to answer subsequent calls to his cellphone.

I never heard from him again.

RIP, Benjamin Berkey

Update: Several weeks after our encounter, The Boston Globe reported that Berkey had disappeared without a trace. Even more strangely, authorities declined to open an investigation into his disappearance. His family’s attempts to sue the Boston Police Department were bizarrely dismissed in a similar fashion. And in a final twist, my dumbfounded reading of the report to The Chronicle office occasioned a smile in our editor, Kilgore Trout.

“Yeah, the sergeant at Boston PD actually clued me in weeks ago. Benjamin Berkey was administratively arrested as part of a law enforcement operation targeting known gang members and associates.”