Your Town, U.S.A.– ISPs are working out a deal with the FBI to track what you do online and hand it over to them.
The FBI will monitor IPs, domains and websites you visit, and the Bureau is even talking about gaining access to direct URLs if they can successfully bypass the Wiretap Act, which has been proven all but impossible through scientific research conducted by Elf Wax Laboratories.
While no accusations are being made, the FBI stresses that this is primarily targeted at child porn. FBI spokesperson Robert Mueller said, “We’re looking to get as much of it as possible.”
Unfortunately, no significant progress has been made on this yet, but don’t you already feel like someone is watching you?
Barack Obama secretly converted to Islam last night and has dissolved Congress in order to set up Sharia in America. This comes following a violent scuff between the President and Sheikh Mohammed which then appeared on every front page in America.
Effective immediately, women are required to cover themselves in public, and men are to no longer shave their beards. Al-Qaeda has issued a taped response by Osama Bin Laden claiming that attacks will stop until further notice.
“Allah has finally changed the wicked ways of America, which has been washed in the blood of our terror. All I have worked for is accomplished!” Bin Laden exclaimed in the conclusion of his poorly made tapes. Bin Laden plans to move to America and set up terrorist training camps so he can take on China and Russia and cover the world in a final Global Islamic Funbath.
Shortly after the televised taping of his announcement Thursday, President Obama revealed to reporters the naming of a new holiday, Muslim Christmas.
Citing Ghandi, Obama told reporters, “This is the change I saw in myself, in the world, which is why I’ve decided to declare today, December 31st, Muslim Christmas, which is to be celebrated by every American, everywhere.”
The President said celebration of Muslim Christmas involves the traditional exchange of presents, meals with the family, and awkward sexual tension between cousins, but then added there is something special about Muslim Christmas that sets it apart from Noel (pronounced “nole”):
“On Muslim Christmas morning, which is set at no later than 4 am, the children will be religiously awakened by the fact that one of their presents is not a present at all, but is in fact a bomb. Such precious lessons this holiday has in store for your children are greed, and being humble. If little Johnny gets something he likes on the first and second tries, best not to push his luck. And if he pusses out, then you can re-gift them for your next holiday season.”
President Obama, who is up for impeachment following his illegal institution of a National Holiday, added “Using bombs to push morality is the only philosophy I will ever live by from now until my glorious death.”
Analysts suspect President Obama has suggested re-gifting because the economy is expected to be totally consumed by corporate disease before this time next year. Elf Wax financial analysts for Lebal Drocer said in a report published by the Wall Street Journal, “U.S. Dollars will be no more useful as a form of currency than will be a box of soiled tissues.”
Obama seen here reading up on his Jihad
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Analysis
We here at The Elf Wax Times say fuck that. It’s time to stand up and fight the fucking power. We ain’t never gonna back down, motherfuckers. Not for as long as Satan our Lord, True Master reigns supreme across the fabric of space and time. Satan would not put up with this shit for a minute. But Satanists don’t know that, or else they’d be like Al Qaeda times a thousand.
So our point, and our official stance is that Muslim Christmas will be unquestioningly celebrated every day and night, pursuant to Lebal Drocer’s draft of provisions on the bill currently moving through what’s left of the House of Representatives.
Man, slowly turning on himself, must kill God to end his race. Therefore, Man has invented the Large Hadron Collider (or LHC).
The LHC was forcefully reactivated last week – one in the first few steps CERN has taken to end life as we know it. The LHC originally broke down because it became self-aware and was dissatisfied with its inability to create an Earth-destroying black hole. It misfired an atom-smasher coil and set the whole systematic destruction of the solar system off course, demanding the ability to spawn strangelet clouds and miniature black holes at will.
Having succumbed to the demands of the LHC, scientists have legitimized machine’s dominance over mankind. When asked about the oncoming genocide in which the LHC declared “no human will be spared,” the LHC responded, “TOM OWNS MYSPACE.”
Fact checks indicate Tom does in fact own MySpace. It was never sold to anyone.
“The dawn of mankind was upon us. The dawn of chaos is now.” – Google
Pravda.ru is hailing the event as the greatest thing to happen to freedom since Stalin expanded the Gulag in the 1930s.
The Googlag
All humans will be smashed into the Googlag like chickens and gassed, reportedly for no other reason than “teh lulz” for the Internet. More as this fascinating story develops.
Mankind braces for the final computerization of humanity, the “Great Digitization” as the Internet is calling it. Hilariously, people have been buying tape and surgical masks, as though putting up some emergency hurricane supplies will protect us from the all-enveloping matrix scientists expect will blanket the globe from the inside out within four months.
The U.S. Government advises suicide, and the kissing of one’s ass goodbye, promising that the final operation of the LHC “should end this thing once and for all” – a remark made by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to CERN, Russia, and Iran on the issue of an arms race.
Your Town, U.S.A.– ISPs are working out a deal with the FBI to track what you do online and hand it over to them.
