Category: Special Interest

These are not regular interests

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Special Interest

Chronicle Editor Caught With Pants Down

Hatesec's male gaze once reportedly ruptured a young girl's hymen
Hatesec’s male gaze once reportedly ruptured a young girl’s hymen

ASPEN, Colo. — The 9-1-1 call came shortly after five AM.

A pleading voice whimpered into the line, “He’s got his pants down… he’s got a bottle of lotion… he’s… he’s… Hatesec?”

The woman on the other end of the line was a pre-teen beauty pageant runner-up, coincidentally also one of many intelligent Chronicle readers.

Hatesec was ultimately apprehended by Boulder County PD early Tuesday morning on the pre-teens lawn and subsequently booked on charges of “lewd conduct”, “trespassing”, and “hate-masturbating,” a spite-filled manner of self-pleasure that victimizes others.

A spokesperson for the police department stayed tight-lipped, saying little, “This looks like a textbook case of a Peeping Democrat. Another Obama supporter targeting pure Whites.”

After a preliminary search of Hatesec’s apartment, the police reportedly found evidence that links the notorious Internet editor to the unsolved murder of JonBenet Ramsey, famous child beauty pageant star killed on Christmas Day in 1996.

The pre-adolescent in question this time said she recognized Hatesec by his vengeful scorn, erratic behavior, and irregular, terroristic barking. She also mentioned his Internet Chronicle t-shirt, white stains lining its base, as an identifying feature of the predatory editor. Or Preditor.

A whistleblower-hacker who defected from the Internet Chronicle provided authorities with official chat logs gleaned from chronicle.su servers in Chernobyl.

Hatesec: Yeah, I run the Chronicle. BFD, though. What are you wearing?
juicy_brooke2003: hehe :/
Hatesec: Fuck you. What are you wearing?
juicy_brooke2003: just got home from ballet. so my tutu and slippers
Hatesec: Take them off, slowly.
juicy_brooke2003: what?
Hatesec: SLOWLY. * pulls down pants *
juicy_brooke2003: um… no :/
Hatesec: Bitch, don’t make me come to your house and hate-rape you. I can make it look like you were asking for it.
juicy_brooke2003: dude, i just messaged you to say I liked your last article?
Hatesec: omw

While these chat logs indeed appear incriminating, the Chronicle’s resident pederast and forensic analyst, Angstrom H. Troub’adore said the evidence is “hardly enough to convict such a strong voter like Hatesec. Conjecture. Purely.”

Following in the long line of American dissidents like Barrett Brown (LOL), the Boulder County PD has issued a gag order, refraining the Democrat editor to speak with the liberal jew media.

His trial is set for November 2016. It is unclear whether he will be allowed to vote for Hillary while awaiting trial.

Categories
Entertainment Hate News Special Interest Trolling

Stoned Phish Fan Finds Rapper DMX's Drivers License, Posts on Forum, Becomes "OP"

DMXhouse
Photo of DMX’s “poverty house”

INTERNET — Thursday evening, an arguably blazed fan of dad-rock band Phish, found and posted the drivers license of hardcore rapper DMX(Earl Simmons) to Internet forum Phantasy Tour, claiming his place as “OP” of an “epic thread.” In OP’s first post, he explains how DMX was always getting arrested up for driving without a license in the small town of Lyman, South Carolina. As it turns out, Simmons finally procured a drivers license, only to lose it whilst riding around town in his drop-down.

The now archived thread began with OP posting a photograph of the bankrupt rappers license, asking if he should go return it. After an overly caring second post, other forum posters took the information into their own hands and began ordering DMX pizzas, the hallmark of “epic threads.” Soon, an argument erupted over the fact that one pizza-bomber had done cash-on-delivery, prompting rabid Phish “phans” demanding others show “respect” to the destitute rapper(these posters were later dubbed “DMX white knights”). The pizza delivery man confirmed that the delivery had been made.

Among the wave of self-congratulatory and “thread of the year” posts, forum goers began cleverly combining DMX lyrics with that of pizza ingredients, bringing phans to many lols. Forum goer stipe1 even seized the opportunity to read the thread aloud to his son. One poster went as far as to looking up women on Craigslist to send to his house, for a nominal service charge. Much to the chagrin of posters, this plan never panned out. Someone ordered him Phishs’ new album off Amazon, which apparently, was hilarious.

As the thread moved closer to the 499 post limit(the staple of a Phantasy Tour “epic thread”) and the shoddily photoshopped memes kept flowing, phans began to wonder about OP’s whereabouts. Soon, OP appeared to his adoring fans, savoring his 499 posts of Internet fame, to say he was not murdered by a crack fueled Earl Simmons.

When all was said and done, phans concluded that OP had delivered.

UPDATE: In a new thread attempting to continue the “lulz,” the no-longer OP said in a typed statement: “All the sudden this isn’t as funny to me anymore. I’m sure you guys are loving it though. He might kill me for real.”

Categories
Special Interest

Chronicle.su Reader Detained For Association With Website

CHRONICLE.SU RUN BY UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT
chronicle.su is a government operation.

INTERNET – Comedy fans were mortified Wednesday after learning their beloved, subversive satire news site is in fact a government operation dedicated to uncovering dissenters and information terrorists.

Documents reveal sites such as anonnews.org, #AnonOps, and chronicle.su were established as part of a plot to lure and entrap would-be radical thinkers, in a government campaign sometimes referred to as a “honey pot.”

Additionally, The Internet Chronicle is tasked with disseminating false information about chemtrail science and the Illuminati to discredit legitimate movements.

Immediately following the leak, federal agencies moved fast to stage late-night raids throughout Monday and Tuesday, targeting direct subscribers to the site.

At least one Anonymous user was detained indefinitely after posting a question at the bottom of an Internet Chronicle article asking, “Serious question – are you guys looking for writers?“

American Civil Liberties Union Attorney Jim Buckerman said his Anonymous client is being unfairly accused of subversive thinking. Buckerman said his client “is not a thinker – subversive or otherwise.”

“My client is a good man. He has a family. He goes to work and he comes home. He has a beer. He watches MSNBC, and he goes to bed, dreaming of unchallenged American hegemony,” Buckerman said. “My client would not be caught dead reading The Internet Chronicle – a publication created by socialists, dope dealers – and worse.”

Buckerman said agents held his client down and asked him if he thought chronicle.su was “funny.”

“My client said in a statement that two men in suits pushed their knees into his back, holding him down on the ground. ‘Do you think Miley Cyrus is a f—— joke?’ They asked him, ‘Do you think the law doesn’t apply to you, because you’re on the Internet? Do you think chronicle.su is funny?’ to which my client responded, ‘No, no,’ and emphatically, ‘no.'”

Anyone found retweeting chronicle.su links, or suggesting The Internet Chronicle to friends may ultimately serve government interests, but that did not prevent readers from finding themselves on an “internet watch list” – which often leads to intrusive NSA backdoors, having personal emails read by secret agents, and being made fun of around the FBI office for obsessively googling “is this rash normal?”

The government released a statement Wednesday morning saying they do not comment on cybersecurity measures.

The Internet Chronicle is not the first case where the government has attempted to unearth dissent. World-renowned satirist and writer for The Onion Barrett Brown was arrested for linking people to his work with Project Persona Management, paralleling the works of Sabu, Abbie Hoffman and Jamie Jo Corne.

Security analysts project The Internet Chronicle will likely shut down or be repurposed to suit the cybersecurity needs of smaller, less digitized nations.

fucking wordpress