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Jon and Kate Plus Hate

Jon and Kate Gosselin, parents of six identical twins and stars of a reality TV show featuring their bickering, have finally snapped under the stress induced by the watching nation.  As if Kate’s fertility drug gobbling and the resultant six identical twins weren’t enough, Jon has apparently had the last straw.  Now preferring to do their bickering on day-time TV and via quick comments to paparazzi reporters, their bickering has reached a new level of popularity. This kind of attention to end-of-relationship hatred has reached a new level of shame for the growing audience.

Elf Wax expert Internet sources say that a Twitter feed featuring nothing but Jon and Kate’s texts to each other has in the course of two days reached 40 million followers.  This is unprecedented in the history of Twitter, and more bickering celebrities have decided to publicize their personal texts to each other over Twitter, in a vain and self-deprecating attempt at furthering their popularity.

In similair news, president-elect Mousavi has used Twitter to call for more demonstrations in Iran. The election was decided by Ayatollah Khameini and he has made it clear that he has absolute power to make whatever decision he sees fit. Protest of Iran’s theocratical dictatorship has prompted the government to act in self defense by using violence against their own people and imprisoning any person who publicly speaks against the government.

More to follow on Jon and Kate’s most recent insult flinging in the upcoming hours.

Elf Wax Update: Since Jon and Kate’s disappearance from their coveted prime time cable TV slot, shrewd producers have seamlessly replaced them with actor/comedian Norm MacDonald, improving ratings eleven percent.

[flashvideo file=”videos/Norm_Plus_One.flv” author=Norm MacDonald title=Norm Plus One /]

Norm Plus One

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Area man reheats macaroni, "Isn't the same"

Roanoke, Va. – Steve Grabowski, a Roanoke factory worker, was disappointed Saturday by rubbery macaroni after re-heating it following a four-hour online-gaming binge during which he forget his girlfriend had prepared their dinner and left it sitting on his desk.

“It just wasn’t the same afterward,” Steve said with a grimace. “It was just so dry. It all stuck together, in one big clump.”

When asked to describe the sound the Velveeta shells ‘n cheese made under his fork, Steve simply stared at the floor and shook his head, saying, “There’s no mistaking that sound. It didn’t sound dry. It sounded ready. But it wasn’t. It would never be ready again.”

Experts told Elf Wax reporters that macaroni, when ready to eat, makes no sound at all. In a telephoned interview, Jack ReNeur of the Polytechnic Institute of Sound (Miami Fla.), said good macaroni “rolls in its cheesy lubricant,” and should exhibit “little to no audible friction with itself.”

All sounds aside, Steve said the issue was “not the sound or the appearance” of his macaroni shells, but with its “core temperature,” or what a thermometer would read if inserted directly into the center mass of macaroni once scooped into a bowl or upon a plate.

Steve blames the government for not giving Velveeta the go ahead on including a carcinogenic compound used in self-heating shoe insoles to keep his macaroni warm for days at a time. “This whole thing was preventable,” he said.

Suprisingly, the FDA passed up their opportunity to poison the general populus with the knowledge that they would receive no pharmaceutical kickbacks upon treatment for the resulting organ failures the artificial chemical could have induced. Their press department was not immediately available for comment.

Steve said he was left with no choice but to rubberize his macaroni under microwave radiation using his residential-strength Kenmore microwave oven. “I even set it to medium,” he intimated. “But it was already too far gone.”

When asked if Steve’s addiction to the online RPG Phantasy Star Universe could be to blame, his eyes flickered with apprehension and he became violent and aggressive to reporters, demanding that they remove themselves from his property before he calls the authorities. His children stood behind him crying and begging him to stop shouting, but he had already brandished a black Remington shotgun and was aiming it directly at the News Channel 7 camera crew.

“PSU’s got shit to do with this. Now get your fucking hippie picture people out of here before I prove to my retarded son just how son-of-a-bitchin’ addicted I am.”

Velveeta has issued a formal apology to the Grabowski family – not for their shortcomings – but for Steve’s “crude, white trash behavior” and has said they will not pay the reparations he “drunkenly demanded via Facebook Monday night.”

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Science Technology

Internet Spammers Now Legitimate

It was only a few years ago when the Internet was simply a means through which spammers were able to hijack Internet Explorer and cycle through thousands of pop-up ads making spammers a few cents for each crashed PC.  Nowadays, most users have wised up and the illicit trade of phony internet traffic has to all appearances bottomed out.  Some have declared the spam industry dead-in-the-water but this is simply not true.

Hormel refused to comment on the effect of negative publicity their Spam product line has suffered. However, they did release a statement to Elf Wax Times purporting “Spam is a quality potted meat product made only of the most delicious butcher’s-floor ingredients.”

About a decade ago, a terrible person found a magic formula. By playing on a man’s inadequacy and a woman’s dissatisfaction, he was able to sell a placebo “enlargement” pill to one impotent and brainless bastard. He rightly figured that since it was so easy to sell to one person then it should work equally as well on a certain cross-section of the population. One person out of every thousand was desperate and dim enough to buy into this literal snake oil, fueling the flow e-mails until technology caught up. Anti-spam measures were put into place, but it was just too late. This person, infinitely ambitious, had made more than enough money to move his product into the flashy bright colored world of televised brainwashing.  At this point in time, Enzyte ads began to dominate all advertising air-time, buying up to 25% of all cable television. Enzyte’s placebo effect, greatly magnified by brainwashing, reached a dangerous level and lead to an often deadly phenomena of herbal supplement binges. This in turn lead to the death of several young children and most notably Heath Ledger.

Amway, formerly known as Quixtar, is a legal pyramid scheme that has grown exponentially in the past few years.  By forcing the sale of worthless cosmetics and water-filters upon “Independent Business Owners,” Amway makes billions every year.  The real genius of Amway is that the effect of spamming is achieved through social networks rather than at random.  By brainwashing people into believing that they can make money by helping their friends make money, Amway has been able to legitimately reach the kinds of masses that were at one point only reachable through massive-scale random e-mailings.  It is nearly impossible to explain the inner-workings and profit-sharing structure of Quixtar to an average person, but the gist of things boils down to free money upon payment of a nominal fee of only a few hundred dollars-even if the average “Independent Scam Victim” never sees a bit of profit.  Of course, even an unitelleigent person will have nothing to do with this, but like Enzyte preys on the cross-section of small-penised and small-brained impotent men, Amway is able to find its victims. In truth, Amway is no more than a legitimized pyramid scheme that has been spread through non-automated internet spam.