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Houston Rockets' Yao Ming Retires, Like a Quitter, from Basketball

Yao Ming retires
Yao Ming (center) pretends to be bothered so he doesn't look like such a quitter.

Chinese athlete Yao Ming announced his retirement from the NBA Wednesday at the premature age of 31.

Yao’s success made him an international superstar and expanded the National Basketball Association’s fan base into China and other parts of Asia where enjoyment of sports is still prohibited.

Yao was big into the Olympics and shit. He carried the Chinese flag at the opening ceremony of the 2004 Athens Olympics and that pissed off a lot of Greek people but their gods didn’t help them or anything. Still, Yao Ming sucked at life so he sprained his ankle while proving he could scale entire neighborhoods around historic Athens. Serves him right for showing off. What a dick.

Yao Ming clearly does not give a fuck
Yao Ming was "tall as a bitch" and became Internet-famous for not giving a fuck.

At the start of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, Yao carried the Olympic torch through Tiananmen Square and the Chinese flag during the opening ceremonies, before being gunned down by riot police and then his legs were run over by tanks. This caused Ming to miss hundreds of games, sitting out on the entire 2009-10 season.

He told reporters the last six months have been “an agonizing wait” as he pondered his basketball future under the weight of a half-million troops marching over his crumpled torso.

The Houston Rockets’ coach Rick Adelman said while Ming was a valuable player, leading the Rockets into four post-season playoff appearances and making the All-Star team eight times, he is still pretty glad he’s gone. “Everybody can stop walking around like there’s a four-foot pole lodged up their asses,” Adelman said.

“We had to walk around like we was holdin’ a turd in,” said Rockets Point Guard Marcus Greene, lighting a Newport. “Shit. That slope even made the niggas look short.”

Ming’s retirement is generally regarded as a good thing, even by his disappointed family, because he cried like the bitch quitter he is in front of lots of people.

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Study: Olympic Torch Relay Completely Unrelated to Tibet-China Conflict

PALO ALTO, CA–Amidst recent protests disrupting the Olympic Torch Relay throughout several countries, a recent study conducted by the Logical Institute of Thought, or LIT, in Palo Alto has concluded that in no point in the modern Olympic Games’ 112-year history has the worldly tradition of relaying the ignited Olympic torch ever interfered or influenced any portion or outcome of the meaningless Tibetan struggle for whatever it is they want.

Though the running of the Olympic Torch is a long-standing tradition that has significant meaning to many individuals, expert scientists at the LIT have stated that in no way does the torch or its flame have any power to end any conflicts whatsoever, especially those between conflicting nations.

In a press release yesterday, Steve Zillwiger, head of research at the LIT, stated “It is completely [depletive exleted] ridiculous that anyone in their right mind would think that by extinguishing a small symbolic flame, they can solve all of a country’s problems, especially a small irrelevant country like Tibet. What’s next, standing in front of army tanks? ” Zillwiger was also heard muttering, “If whining was an Olympic sport, these [protesters] would undoubtedly take home the gold.”

On Tuesday in San Francisco, a city nowhere even remotely close to Tibet, the Olympic Torch was met with many protesters, some whom even climbed the Golden Gate Bridge to beg for attention. San Francisco native, Danny McDermott, 25, commented, “Yeah, ever since Full House ended, it’s like people feel the need to draw as much attention possible to themselves, whether it be drum circles, not showering, hacky-sacking, playing acoustic guitars in public places, or driving Hybrid [vehicles]. Also they seem to like the number two a lot.” McDermott then raised two fingers in a V-like shape. He also added, “It’s actually a lot like Africa when you think about it, but instead of food, people here are starved for attention.”
UPDATE: In an Elf Waxclusive news story, the EWT has just uncovered information that the Olympic Ceremonies in Beijing have been cancelled and instead been moved to the safer and more neutral location of the Gaza Strip. Sources say this move is for the better and should finally “shut up those wannabe-Tibetan whiners.” Resultingly, the Olympic Committee has already been praised for their swift yet effective thinking.

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Canine Study Links Marijuana, Cognitive Ability


The newest findings in Cannabis research have yielded surprising, counter-intuitive results. Scientists have recently found the effect of Marijuana smoke on canine subjects leads to a startling rise in cognitive abilities. Some canines were even able to parse together Semi-English sentences, but rarely spoke of anything other than being “Rotally Razed.” The major rise in cognitive ability was displayed by the canines’ developed ability to solve simple mysteries, which did not occur in test subjects who were not dosed with Cannabis. The dogs proved especially good at solving what appear to be “paranormal” mysteries. The thoroughly-baked test subjects would meander around pointlessly as if unaware of the task at hand, only at the last minute to stumble across some catalyst that would unwind any mystery that still remained.
Scientific testing in this subject was spurned on by a recent incident that took place at O’Hare intergalactic airport. An over-zealous drug-sniffing dog, Scoobert “Scooby” Doo, devoured a traveler’s marijuana supply, and then ran off wildly, in search of Scooby Snacks. Crashing headlong into a group of generic terrorists who had already passed through security screening, the dog revealed their evil plot and saved the day.