Richmond, Va. — Local dumbass Darby Sutton walked through the wrong apartment door as he tried to get home to his third floor apartment Saturday night, after an evening spent drinking heavily with strange friends his girlfriend does not approve of.
Upon entering his apartment building’s main front door, Mr. Sutton proceeded to ascend just two flights of stairs before walking in on his downstairs neighbors, who he said were “sittin’ on the floor right there in front of me as I walked in.”
Mr. Sutton reportedly said nothing as he backed out of the apartment in which he witnessed a half-naked girl and her boyfriend smoking marijuana in the room directly in front of him. The sight of the hedonism left him speechless and vulnerable.
He then closed the door and bolted up the third and final flight of stairs, entered his own apartment, and locked the door behind him. Slumping to the dark floor of his own foyer, Sutton ignored the screaming voices of his neighbors calling up to him. He burned hot with embarrassment.
“I didn’t want them to know who I was,” Sutton later explained. “So I just hurried up to my own place and shut the door behind me. I laughed about it so hard to my roommates. They think I am an asshole.”
When asked if Mr. Sutton apologized to the couple, he indicated that he did not want to say anything.
“It just didn’t seem like it would fit in with the conversation they were already having, before I barged in like the police,” Sutton said. “They looked up at me with looks of fear and surprise in their eyes. They were looking up at me like they was on TerrorMax, but still I don’t think they saw me long enough to really recognize me as their neighbor.”
19-year-old Kimothy Longhead, from apartment 2a, said she’d already seen Mr. Sutton around, and immediately recognized him when he entered her home.
“We went after him because we just wanted to meet him. He seems like a really nice guy and we wanted to ask if he could get our mail next week while we’re out of town.”
It was an honest mistake, Longhead explained, adding that this had happened with previous tenants.
Her boyfriend Snake said Sutton’s sudden disappearance was a missed opportunity for connection, and to expect a craigslist post about it.
“I guess he was embarrassed when he saw Kim sitting there in her underwear, but truth be told, Kim was right then yearning for an anonymous threesome with somebody she’d never met before. So when he walked in it was as though God had answered our decadent prayers. I just wanted to see if he was interested in coming back down for some experimentation with me and my loose woman. We would have really appreciated it, and it would have been the perfect proof to her daddy that he can’t control her no more, she’s gonna do what she wants, with me or any other man of my choosing.”
— Snake
Longhead and her boyfriend indicated that Sutton had already walked in to their apartment on several occasions before now.
Longhead told The Elf Wax Times, “We were starting to think that he couldn’t possibly be making the same mistake all those times before now, and he just wanted to be voyeuristic, but now that I know he’s a moron, I understand completely.”
The couple said they are not considering moving any time soon but they will be locking their front door more often, especially at night between the hours of nine o’clock and seven a.m., when there is one drunk dumbass skulking around the building.
“We don’t want that idiot coming in on us no more,” she said. “Now that I know he’s stupid, I don’t want him nowhere near me, or my Snake, ever again.”
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We now return to our regularly scheduled satire, already in progress…
Reba, this is ground control. Do you copy? Over.
Ground control, Big Reba speakin’ I can hear you loud and clear. Over.
Reba, what’s your status? Over.
We got a real pretty view of the Red Storm from where we’re at but the magnetic field is overwhelming our equipment, we may have to back off and take another sweep at Europa tomorrow. Over.
Reba, that’s a no-go; supplies from below are tight enough as it is.These readings are priceless. We need you closer. Over.
Big Reba to ground control, that’s a negative, we’re already skirtin’ the radiation belt. If we get any closer we fry. Over.
We copy that.[muffled speech] Reba we’re going to need you to sit tight through those bad vibrations. We’re picking up severe sealant breakdown in the fuselage; it looks like your coolant is slipping. In the meantime go ahead and eat the black pill underneath your compartment controller. Over.
Hey this is Big John, you better copy this loud and clear: I ain’t eatin’ no cyanide. Over.
Big Reba to ground control, we’ve lost cabin pres—-
————-what did they say? Ground control to Big Reba, do you copy?
Ground control to Big John, do you copy?
