Social networking sites lead to 'pregnancy and marriage by age 23'

Mediocrity
Jan Lewis, 29, and Felix Mulholland, 32, finally look happy together in their 9th attempt at a positive Facebook profile picture they now share.

Everett, Wa. – A new study shows social networking websites such as MyPlace and Fakebook are responsible for up to sixty five percent of unwanted, accidental long-term relationships.

John Andrews, 24, is one of many Everett area residents who found themselves attached at the hip to the previously unimaginable dregs of society.

Andrews said, “It’s true love. Sure, it’s codependency, but we love it. Truly.”

Demographers are alarmed by the growth in pregnancies reported in the first quarter of 2009. Over “seventy five percent” were “secretly intentional,” because most of the girls found on these sites see themselves as being “too socially awkward” or too lacking of a “positive self-image” to continue dating casually as normal people have done in the eons leading up to the internet. “So they just lay on their backs and let their revolving-door-style reproductive systems trade commitment for responsibility.”

The breeding of lazy, insecure women has reached unprecedented levels which ALR scientists believe led to a spike in obesity. The FDA, or World’s Largest Conflict of Interest, has reported a sharp increase in consumer spending on trendy medical treatments such as liposuction and gastric bypass surgeries.

Dane Ginjuns, the 48-year-old FDA researcher famed as “the world’s most bribable man,” said there was a direct connection between the poisons we eat in our food and the medicines needed to treat long-term illnesses such as Britney Spears’ Disease (diabetes) and cancer, the leading cause of death for /b/.

Additionally, many of these women are unwanted to begin with and will probably have to settle on child support as a means of survival since their inherent laziness is what got them into this mess to begin with.” Ginjuns continued, “The rest of these womens’ lives will probably be spent in a dark room behind a computer screen while their smelly, unlovable bastard children raise themselves on Jerry Springer and Hot Pockets.” Ginjuns eyes then lit up as he became visibly excited, and exclaimed, “Good Lord! Cash cows, that breed cash cows. We’ve struck a fine balance, haven’t we? Just goes to show that in America, any dream really can come true, just so long as it’s rooted in corruption–I mean capitalism–I mean–aww hell!”

Dog Gets Off the Hook

"The Dog" in his glory days.
"The Dog" in his glory days.

Duane “The Dog” Chapman has been let off the hook by America’s Black community.  After the tough guy and convicted murderer shed a few insincere tears for his admitted continual usage of the word ‘Nigger,’ his show is back on the air. Here is the famous quote in which he explains why his son should not date a black woman:

I’m not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I’ve worked for 30 years because some fucking niggers heard us say nigger and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine…So, I’ll help you get another job but you cannot work here unless you break up with her and she’s out of your life. I can’t handle that shit.

Dog the bounty hunter is still filming new shows two years later, despite all the damage he has done to his image in apologizing for his racism.  It takes a lot of guts to shed a tear on Sean Hannity’s television show and still expect to be taken seriously as a bounty hunter.  Perhaps the size of his wife’s heaving chest has mezmerized the world. No other celebrity has ever dropped so many hateful N-Bombs and kept their job.

The dog sheds a single tear for Sean Hannity
The dog sheds a single tear for Sean Hannity

Meanwhile, Michael Richards, 33 degree Freemason and former comedian is not doing as well as Dog.  Shortly after getting filmed making racist remarks to Black hecklers he gave up comedy for spiritual healing.  Currently, Michael Richards is pretending to meditate in Cambodia with a bunch of untrustworthy slant-eyed freaks while spouting Kramer quotes because he enjoys the fact that they don’t get it. Richards phoned Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to apologize, but to no avail. Even a place in a marginal VH1 celebrity reality program will be forever out of his grasp.  Dog the Bounty Hunter must have a ‘G’ pass because he did his apology on Sean Fucking Hannity, whitest of the white collar. He vowed to never say ‘nigger’ again in his life, and has been caught breaking his word by Elf Wax investigators.

Elf Wax contacted Duane Chapman to comment on the leniency that the court system has shown to Michael Vick, and “The Dog” went into a blind rage, breaking his promise to never, ever, ever use “that word” again.

That fucking nigger, and I’m not saying he’s a nigger because he’s a nigger.  It’s because of what he did to dogs, that’s what makes him a real nigger.  You get what I’m saying, right?

What the fuck is this?

It’s Lebal Drocer taking over. But don’t get used to this. Color scheme’s changing, more hate is being shipped in from China, and we’re currently constructing the world’s largest web of truth with which to catch big, juicy fLIES.

How to Maintain Power

You’ve risen to power and have begun your regime by ordering society the way you see most fit. Perhaps you’ve stolen an election, denied freedom of the press, or even set the wheels of genocide in motion. No one said that consolidating power is easy, but you’ve done what you had to do and I don’t blame you.

And now, those bastards you pulled out of the gutters have decided they don’t know what is good for them. They’re speaking out against your actions and at some point you knew it would come to this. The people have amassed in your capital and are staging daily protests against your policies.

The first thing you can try to do is shut down media sources. Pull the plug on the information flow and disable the internet. Shut down phone lines and imprison any who are responsible for printing dissident material. Usually this will stop the life blood of your peon’s insurrection quite quickly. There may be dwindling protests for another day, but they will lose heart and you have almost guaranteed that their movement will not grow.

State controlled media is your best tool in this hour, and you should let the propaganda flow like what was left of last night’s Taco Bell. Any protest always represents a vast minority of public opinion, and while the protests are currently non-violent, the protesters must be represented as the escalating faction. Blame the hated political faction of your region whether they be Communists or Capitalists. Any fear you can generate will be a great aid to your power.

In some cases, protests may still occur even after you have taken care of dissident leaders and disabled all communication. This is a sign that you will most likely have to take extra measures. DO NOT BE HASTY IN PUTTING DOWN THE INSURRECTION. There is a list of things you must do before taking care of the uprising to ensure your country’s continued existence.

Firstly, have your secret police remove any foreign reporters immediately. Be extremely careful that not even one reporter leaks a single image or word after a certain point. Jail them if completely necessary, but do not treat them with the iron fist you are about to unleash upon your people. The less they have to tell, the better.

Make a gesture of goodwill to the protesters so that your propaganda machine will be able to paint you in a positive light. Do not attempt to appease the protesters, as they want to change your agenda. You must offer them a trifling insult of what they are illegally petitioning you for-an act of graceful enlightenment in the face of their ugly hatred. You can now continue with the last phase of dealing with your insurrection.

By this point, the protesters will have resorted to petty acts of violence as a way to get your attention. This is where you let the hammer fall, and let it fall hard. Even in China, the threat of military force has only angered and outraged citizens into further dissidence. Do not attempt to threaten with force at all. The protesters will assemble around the clock in their angry desperation and you can take advantage of this. Wait until the dark of night and cut off the power grid. At this point, you can let the tank treads do the rest.

Drawing on the successes and failures of other countries, I have outlined the bare essentials of putting down an insurrection. There may be many other factors involved in different situations, but remember: You know best, because you are the leader. Otherwise, you would not be in control.

An Eastern Approach to the Problems of Western Protest


Tbilisi, Georgia–Georgian police beat down and arrested opposition activists in the nation’s capital today. Several journalists were among those arrested.For two months, the opposition has been campaigning to force out President Mikhail Saakashvili. An AP photographer witnessed masked officers beating demonstrators who gathered near the police headquarters. Several were severely beaten into submission along with several TV journalists and camera crews whose tapes and video cameras were confiscated.

In all, 39 protesters were rounded up, according to Deputy Interior Minister Eka Zguladze, who said they had resisted police when they tried to arrest them for blocking a public street.

She apologized to journalists who were beaten and robbed, saying it was “our mistake.”

Existing on a key energy route, Georgia is the iconic front line in the growing tensions between Russia and the West.

MILEY CYRUS – TRIBULATION

When Miley Cyrus broke the sound barrier, we thought we’d seen everything. However, after punching through the Earth’s exosphere, the Disney Star approached escape velocity at 7 miles per second, then exploded brilliantly into a stream of atoms.

-Eyewitness report

Miley Cyrus, moments before reaching
critical mass over the Pacific Ocean

Astronomers worldwide confirmed Miley’s ascension into the cold, radioactive vacuum of space following the shockwave elicited by her sonic boom, visible from almost every clear sky in the Northern Hemisphere.

Fans of Miley say they believe the sexually exploited children’s TV star was in fact an angel in disguise. Her reasons for suddenly and inexplicably self-propelling off the face of the Earth, fans speculate, is that although they (that is, girls in the 8 to 13 years’ age range) respect her good choices and strive to emulate her in every way, these girls were not devoting enough of themselves and their disposable incomes to the Disney Corporation, Cyrus’s parent company and sole owner of her product name and fortune – and so she was removed from our unworthy planet.

Some sources blame hard times. Others believe the crisis deepens.

Elf Wax theological experts say that when good, hard-working Americans begin to establish the credibility of an organized Disney-consumer relationship, there might someday be a second coming of Miley Cyrus, but after – and only after – Billy Ray Cyrus is dead. This owes in part to the theory that the constant, photographed molestation of his daughter is part of the reason she has dematerialized in outer space.

Some fanatics have elected to crucify him or even stone him to death in a hole, but experts warn against interference of the Divine Walt Prophecy of the Magic Kingdom, a puritanical manifesto that lays out the future of little girls’ sexuality for all White, Western humanity, and Wal-Mart, to follow infallably the daytime TV Disney channel programming schedule and release dates for Up and its sequel, Down, noting that a lapse in good judgment is what caused Miley to originally disappear, and that any further failure to adhere to the strict puritanical morals set out by the religious/socioeconomic status quo could lead to dangerous levels of independent thought and a decline in second guessing of our true nature as human beings.

It’s what some experts in Washington describe to be “a dangerous concoction of emotional freedom that, if placed in the wrong hands, might galvanize what would be an otherwise unquestioning populus into free-thinking people who form their own opinions about lifestyles, choices made based solely on the individual’s ability to inform him/herself through God-given, not Disney-given, intuition and logical trains of thought.”

Pedophiles everywhere are eagerly watching the skies – and the obituaries – awaiting the return of Miley Cyrus upon the eve of Billy Ray’s demise.

China pirates self


In an astonishing blow to the country’s economy, China has managed to duplicate itself in the Communist state’s most recent piracy spree.

China(2), as experts are now calling it, will be placed on the country’s Desktop until room can be made in the State External Hard Drive (Taiwan). However, Taiwan is not ready to store the pirated nation until China agrees to a deal in which their service is exchanged for humanitarian respect. Because Taiwan expects something in return for their work, Chinese correspondents report that the separated nation runs a serious risk of looking like Metallica for taking such a “Lars Ulrichy” stance on piracy, declaring them, quote, “Big whiny pussies.”

Paradoxically, when China(2) was downloaded illegally off the Internet, the Chinese “Hong Kong’s-Disney Land Is-Too-Far-So-Bring-Your-Family-To-This-Amusement-Park-Instead” knockoff became an officially licensed Walt Disney World, complete with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, as well as other public domain stories and characters for which copyrights have been hijacked and redeployed for profits.

Also, scientists say that due to the lossy compression method of the recently downloaded China(2), its lead content has nearly halved, and the new country’s methods of corruption are already effecting the integrity of the Communist State’s underlying systems of internal exchange.

“One can watch as [the document] collapses in on itself before the eyes,” said Chinese(2) correspondent Jack Danielson. “In a vacuum, China(2) can not stand up to its own self-annihilation. The isolated economy of China(2) seems to have backwashed on itself and the citizens appear to be resorting to Capitalism as a means of survival. It is unprecedented.”

China is available for download on Apple’s iTunes for US $.99 and a nominal sign-up fee. The paid, legal copy comes fully stocked with connections to North Korea and Russia, and unlike its pirated counterpart, poisons babies with formula replaced by authentic Chinese cleaning powders.