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The Elf Wax Times is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer Incorporated. We own everything that matters.

Google Googles self, search feature 'disabled until further notice'

Executive Editor, Senior Coordinator of Staff for Lebal Drocer Incorporated, and janitor James Galloway indefinitely crippled the popular search engine Google this morning.

“I typed Google into Google and then Google turned off,” the 23-year-old transvestite explained to reporters moments ago outside his home.

Galloway, whose hobbies include dividing by zero and asking “Why?” told the press he feels no remorse for Google’s “horrible foresight,” what he alleges “got them into this mess in the first place.”

“How could they not see this coming?” James asked The Elf Wax Times. “I mean, the Googlebot Googles Google. Shouldn’t Google?”

Following James’ keen sense of observation, for which he is well-known, The Elf Wax Times dug a little bit deeper. A little bit deeper. A little bit dirtier – into the shitstorm swirling out for thousands of miles in every direction from directly over top of the Googleplex.

Elf Wax Times’ top computer scientist, Jerry Chevrolet, was called in by Google for expert analysis of the controversial dilemma. Professor Chevrolet said Google is locked into an infinite loop. “It will not stop Googling itself now until someone can unplug it,” he warned. “But there are just so many damn wires back there, we don’t know which one is which.”

Fortunately, the eye of the “Googlestorm” as scientists have dubbed it, is as calm as a Buddhist whorehouse. Still, workers on site are hesitant to pull any plugs until they know what they are.

“We’re trying to avoid having to reset the timer on the VCR,” explained one on-scene technician in the most non-metaphorical way possible.

The Googlestorm has reportedly ruined what little bit of fun was left from Silly-Tie Tuesday for offices around the area and could bleed into Casual Friday, pending the outcome of the unexplainable swirling storm of computer shit in the sky overhead.

Elf Wax Human Rights Watchdogs report the incident has “changed nothing” for Africans, adding if more money were sent to the continent for those little green computers and wi-fi access, then they could join in the world’s frustration at the loss of Google.

Africans still have nothing
Africans still have nothing

Google CEO Johnny Cocaine said, “They’re a strong people. If anybody can take it, they can. I hear Africans, like most humans, can be forced into things. So we want to force them to love Google, that way they still feel the loss even though they never knew what it was.”

Google is calling this branch of AdSense AdPsyche, because it develops a psychological “proto-love” synthesized out of the hardcore manipulation of pure human emotion, playing on people’s fears they may have killed God and any remaining knowledge of Him.

Churches are filling at a record pace, many overflowing into the streets and parking lots as people turn to their primitive roots seeking answers because Ask.com still sucks.

“It used to be Google had all the answers. Now, we come here for answers. I get on my knees and pray to God, “how to google without google,” and I can’t hear the Lord’s search results, ’cause all these other sons of bitches are out-praying me, and that’s fucked up.”

-Concerned citizen

Many citizens have begun petitioning the Lord with prayer for Prayer Neutrality, arguing no prayer should have priority over any other prayer, and prayer traffic should move in the order it is received, and never discriminated against based on where it comes from. Unfortunately, these people do not have enough money or political power to talk to the Lord so they are largely ignored.

Are you praying correctly?
Are you praying correctly?

You never know when your time is gonna come,” said Peter Sullivan, a 43-year-old carpet-cleaner, adding “I just hope and pray my time comes soon, because I am in Hell already.” He then brandished a gun, pointing it at reporters before turning it on himself and asked everyone to clear the home while he “does some cleansing.”

Some people go insane gradually, others snap all at once, killing thirty to forty people in extreme cases. Incidents of suicide are a terse forewarning of the ever-nearing apocalypse of information.

More as this develops for the first time ever without Google’s oversight.

Big Brother is watching you

"internet meme"Your Town, U.S.A.– ISPs are working out a deal with the FBI to track what you do online and hand it over to them.

The FBI will monitor IPs, domains and websites you visit, and the Bureau is even talking about gaining access to direct URLs if they can successfully bypass the Wiretap Act, which has been proven all but impossible through scientific research conducted by Elf Wax Laboratories.

While no accusations are being made, the FBI stresses that this is primarily targeted at child porn. FBI spokesperson Robert Mueller said, “We’re looking to get as much of it as possible.”

Unfortunately, no significant progress has been made on this yet, but don’t you already feel like someone is watching you?

Internet addiction 'doubles teen self harm'

First off, lol.

The photo you see here accompanied the headline on this horribly-formatted website. Or, I can demonstrate it for you, and I’ll even throw in the ten seconds of editing that these lazy fucks clearly could not be bothered with. Or maybe they simply check to make sure their ads work in IE and say fuck the rest. Read to the end for the terrible truth.

Internet addiction ‘doubles teen self-harm’

These girls are probably just efficiently sexting.
These girls are probably just efficiently sexting.

By This N0t-So-Anonymous Douchebag.

Holy tits. It’s a story using Chinese research, you know this is legit.

Since the mid-1990s, addiction to the Internet has been classified as a mental illness (lol). The study published today in Injury Prevention, a state-owned magazine about preventing injury, aides the Chinese in a practice natural selection has been fine-tuning since before the dawn of time – basic survival – by insinuating that children who use the internet a lot will be twice as likely to self-harm.

The self-harming is in no way related to the oppressive conditions under the Chinese dictatorship, the study reported. “In fact, a large percentage of self-harm may be due to an excessive exposure to any emotion other than pure love for the State,” the Elf Wax Scientific Journal (already) reported in August.

One kid was harming the shit out of himself before the study began, and the attention he gained from being studied “subsided all abnormal, anti-social behavior.” However, this did not stop Chinese authorities for arresting the child on a possession charge for having too much more attention than other people in the country, a severe violation of the principles of Communism.

Other factors were accounted for in the study, this shitty article reports, “such as lifestyle, stressful events, the Chinese ban on both reproduction and masturbation, home environments, and others.

For this survey, self-harm meant something like pinching, cutting, burning, hair-pulling and intentionally holding in the feces for long periods of time.

—————————————————————————

Let it be known that we here at The Elf Wax Times do not click on “Twitter” accounts – not even our own. Should we ever link to some shit-eating website we do not like, trust, or even want you to see, we right-click and select “copy link location” so we don’t waste our high-speed 56k internets on shit sites that don’t spell Truth.

The site we’ve referenced here is special, because it came about as the product of a powerful new blog software by Lebal Drocer that feeds Google news into the front end, Google images for relevant pictures, and AI-generates a story out its back end, throws all that shit together into broken div elements and just spews out an excuse for advertisements, which are also generated by keywords.

Pirates awash with Windows 7 theft orgy

lol what
Users are queuing up around the Internet in droves of thousands to pirate Microsoft’s highly-anticipated Windows 7.

“I heard it’s supposed to be really good,” said blogsite NobodyReadsMe.com.

An internet pirate downloads pre-sell-out Bob Dylan for FREE (and you can too!)
An internet pirate downloads pre-sell-out Bob Dylan for FREE (and you can too!) because that motherfucker has all the money he needs selling Pepsi products

Many internet pirates already got a jump start on activation keys, with seeders exseeding eight thousand. It’s difficult to say how many pre-activated copies of the operating system are going around, but estimates based on a google search indicate roughly tens of thousands of illegal copies are in circulation – and they”validate,” meaning they still receive important Microsoft Updates (NSA backdoor spying modules, malware, updates to Microsoft’s overwatch ability, etc.). In China, a notorious hotbed of free and open, Democratic piracy, users are complaining that piracy still “isn’t free enough,” citing the need for a PC to run an operating system.

“I just wish computers were free too.” – Xiang Winow

Know your source: privy pirates don't let this happen
Know your source, like every good pirate

Most n00bs believe Windows 7 will cost $99 retail. However, those who are remotely familiar with computers will know better than to throw money at China through a store and opt for the free version, found anywhere online.

Many users are downloading Windows 7 because they felt so burned after paying for Vista.

“Vista sucked.”

-everybody

Elf Wax Analytical Laboratories expect open-source operating system software to eventually surpass the usefulness of any Capitalist endeavor within the next two years. Unfortunately, Bill Gates already has so much money that it isn’t going to hurt him in any one way.

Click here to find out why your penis is shrinking.

The Elf Wax Times is brought to you by…

We’re not doing advertisements.

This is what you get.

AdvertisementBack in Roll-a-toke, where I went to high school, my friends (circle of friends has changed very much since then but these are good guys) still get together to play four-player anything – Mario Kart Wii was first, then CoD4 and WaW, and now Modern Warfare 2. I really appreciate that they keep the gaming true to its form. They don’t play WoW, they don’t even have Internet. Everybody’s getting high and enjoying each other’s company around a videogame, just like it was when we were kids. When I grow out of that, just kill me.

One of these guys is an Elf Wax Times writer, and if it weren’t for our basic agreement on this fundamental way of life, we would probably have forever lost contact. But there comes a time in life where one looks around himself and sees nothing familiar, and rather than again venturing into the mist, he opts, just for a little while, to get back to what’s not only familiar, but truly rewarding. In this case, it is videogames with my friends. People don’t get enough of this. Oh, and that’s right – one of your beloved Elf Wax Timers doesn’t have the Internet.

Since moving back to my college town of Larger City, USA, I have not found a friend as good as the one I left behind. You might know him as our best Elf Wax Times writer on staff. He invented Elf Wax. He wrote a program, or maybe two, that spammed MUME into the ground for hours at a time. MUME is EverQuest Online Adventures without graphics. They invented IP-banning because of him. And because I’ve been needing a distraction from reality lately, I have been playing MUME; playing this text-RPG based on LOTR is kind of nice, because it’s a chance to enter a world which he helped create, by attempting to destroy it. But that’s not really why I play, it’s just a nice effect. I actually play MUME because since moving back to the intellectual hub of Any State, USA with an income tax so high it would make the Queen of England grow a dick and jizz her pants, my brain is starving. Can you believe it? In a college town, where I’m surrounded by “smart people,” there’s not a healthy dialog for miles.

When people go to college for the prescribed amount of time, it has this effect on them in which their ideals stagnate, their eyes jade over, and they sort of get by on the notion that “I’m in college. Doing what I can. I don’t feel like I need to be doing anything extra.” Extra includes starting or helping a publication, like the glorious Elf Wax Times. Extra can also include, and does also include thinking. Just plain old critical thinking about something besides your girlfriend and your schoolwork. College makes people forget that the whole point of structured education is to serve the working world. By living under the illusion that they’re serving themselves, feeding their own heads with someone else’s drivel, they’re systematically destroying their ability to hear the real ‘other voice’ inside. It might have something to do with paying for your classes, or the classes themselves. I know that they preach self-discovery and they talk to you like adults. But professors are as indoctrinated as middle school teachers. And 21-year-old graduates are as sheep-like as sheep themselves. There’s nothing adult about being ground up in the same commercialization of human dejection as everyone else – unless you understand it enough to “be able to explain it to your own grandmother.”

See? I learned that quote in college. I think I was on LSD at the time, reading an Einstein quote on somebody’s AIM profile, but I was enrolled in classes. Just like secondary school, college lessons can be applied to the problems of college itself, or of the world in general. It’s just logic. But it’s logic presented in a deceitful way, carefully twisting your brain out of your control, and into theirs. The military-industrial complex, and the pressures it puts on a society lead us to distrust, band together in a xenophobic fury so we may better divide from one another, hate each other more than anything else but ourselves – who we hate the most. Cellularize our lifestyles. It used to be the police showed up to dangerously large parties; now, the “Party Patrol” busts everything up, adding charges, too. Welcome to the cellular lifestyle. Why do you kids still need to party when the government maintains Facebook for your use and enjoyment? The only measurable value left in our world is the artificial value of the paper fucking dollar, and people are convinced, maybe not that they’re happier this way, but that this is the best way for everyone.

Come to college – where anti-intellectualism is taught.

Out the proverbial window went the idea that there is some worldly value for things besides monetary value divided by time over output. “The Elf Wax Times is a huge success these days.” – Hey, that’s great. You going to advertise?

No, I don’t think I will. We’ve talked about the idea. We’ve shot it down inside while keeping it on the table outside. And now it’s begun to rain on the idea we left on the table outside, eroding the glitter from the thought of a Pabst Blue Ribbon banner ad on The Elf Wax Times. Advertisements are fucking ugly in ways exceeding aesthetics. Why would I put ads on the front page of this website?

They represent everything I hate about society, information, the media, our thought processes which advertising poisons. We won’t do that to you, dear readers. Although we stand to make possibly tens of thousands, we have jobs outside of this website. Good jobs, provided lovingly by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. We work hard to suckle on the tit of the hard-working, and it pays. Not great, but well enough so we may healthily bring you the Truth. If we advertised Elf Wax Times, we’d be no better than Maddox. The Best Advertising Site in the Universe. The Onion did it, so why shouldn’t George Ouzanian? That’s Maddox in case you don’t know. We figured it out somehow, and we got stoned in high school, called his mom and told her about the site so she’d give us his phone number. She did, and we called him asking for beer, telling him the site was really funny. “How’d you get this number?” And that’s how Maddox’s mommy found out about Maddox, and it created a lot of grief for him. I used to feel bad for doing that. Not so much anymore.

Every day, I listen to the “people” I ‘work for’ fucking up the economy in real-time behind my ears, and I think about how they get away with degrading my quality of life, and yours. Every day, your beloved Roajoke writer goes to his work, which is better than mine in all ways, and thinks about the shit I hear where I work, not knowing that I hear it, but agreeing nonetheless. We need this as people. Why don’t you have it?

I lost a good friend when I came back to this dump of a city. My smartest friend, the friend who laughed with me about shit nobody else even realized is going on, the friend who helped me move, and who chopped a mountain down with the edge of his hand is back there in the life I left behind. He was the only friend who ever thought on my wavelength, and I think it might be because we learned how to make music together. From the first-or-second day we met, we’ve always thought on a higher plane together. That’s not the clandestine Elf Waxian arrogance you’ve come to know and love – the truth is that musicians think on a higher plane while playing music than most humans are able to recognize. I left him behind to pursue my useless college degree. Mother Fuck this place, and this world, and fuck you to help propagate it; you sick fucking bastards.

And now things have changed. I’m having to get by without him; keep this site going without him egging me on to do it; keep seeing things my way, and not television’s way, or the Dollar’s way. But Our Way. I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t afraid of losing who I really am. I’d be a bigger liar if I said I don’t care about becoming someone better. I’d be Oral Graham if I told you money doesn’t actually matter to me, and I’d be a sell-out for admitting it.

So stay tuned to the Elf Wax Times for a brand new ideology.

“The reason our institutions, our traditional religions, are already crumbling is because THEY’RE NO LONGER RELEVANT! It’s time for us to create a NEW philosophy, and perhaps even a new religion, you see, and that’s okay because that’s our right. We are free children of God with minds that can imagine anything, and that’s kind of our role. How do you evolve ideas? I’ll give you an example right here… Why is the drug czar in this country, well I’ll go back, why do we HAVE a drug czar in this country? A. B, Why is he a cop? Why isn’t he a guy in recovery who’s HAD an alcohol and/or drug addiction and overcome it, and why doesn’t he HELP people with the same problem, with compassion rather than condemnation? Why do we put people who are ON drugs in jail? They’re SICK! They’re not criminals. Sick people don’t get healed in jail. See it makes no sense! And if we evolve the idea, you see, the planet might be more compassionate, and something like HEAVEN might dawn.”

Bill Hicks

Elf Wax Times announces anti-lesbian platform

So we didn’t reach out to anybody, exactly. But it did keep me from moving in with a lesbian. You see, I was going to move in with my girlfriend. She’s not the lesbian. Just keep reading you lazy fuck, you’ll get the story. We don’t dumb it down, you’ll have to cope, sound it out, we’ll get through this together. Anyway, things “didn’t work out” so I had to put an advert out on the most hilarious website in the Universe, craigslist. Man, I don’t even know where to begin about that website. God it’s greater than The Beatles. Anyway, I found this lesbian who was looking for a place to live. Real naive girl who didn’t have her shit together but knew she wanted to move out of mommy’s house. So, being desperate to move into this sweet, overpriced ghetto apartment as soon as possible, I told her we’d sign the lease together the following day if she liked the apartment. She did like it, and we agreed that it would be pretty cool.

However.

In my craigslist ad, I indicated that I’m an editor for The Glorious and Critically-Acclaimed Elf Wax Times.

Where I live, you can’t find peace on the back porch, because some low-life have-not bum will hit you up for a “cig” or failing that, the beer out of your hand. Come test it out if you want. You’ll say, “Hey Elf Wax was right, that fucking loser can’t afford his own cigarettes, yet somehow he’s addicted to them.” Actually don’t come over. I’m sitting in my underwear playing PS3 online and I don’t want shit to do with you unless you are good at Pixel Junk Monsters and have weed. And in this editor’s experience, that pretty much means no one’s coming over.

Anyway, this lesbian and her dyke mommy fired up the old cable modem and took a peek at what her future roommate has been doing with his livelihood. And boy were they amused, or some other emotional contradistinction of a similar degree. Here’s the jist of the half-hour phone call I received at 9 o’clock the same night we looked at the place together:

“Heroin junkheads anonymous. Smack your addiction. How may I help you?”

“James?”

“Yeah what’s up?”

“James, we need to talk.”

Hot damn, I thought. What’s this girl trying to do? Usually only Lauren’s allowed to call me saying that. “Sure, what is it?” I asked, knowing it would not be good.

“This website,” she began. Jesus Christ, it was just like Weenus, Incorporated and high school. How familiar with this situation I am… “Do you write all the stuff on here?”

“Yeah. You must really like it to want to call me and talk about it. But that’s OK, I know it’s good.”

“Well, my mom and I were looking at it and it’s starting to creep me out.”

“Creep you out? Was there something on there that bothered you?”

“Well, the last three stories. And basically everything by Media Mogul. Is that you?”

“Ah, well yeah sorta. You see, ‘we all’ write under that name. I have five writers, every one of them posting under it. Only the regulars get their own pseudonym.” I’m starting to cover my ass but I can tell it’s already too late. I might even have to kill her.

It goes on like this for the next 20 minutes. She tells me about her ideology and how it affects her to the core. “I’m a lesbian, and a lot of the stuff you say. Like your opinions. Like, I don’t know if I’m gonna have to put a padlock on my bedroom door, ya know?” (those doors are hollow honey, a padlock won’t do you any good, I thought) “Am I gonna have to look over my shoulder all the time? Sleep with my eyes open?”

I’m laughing quietly to myself at this point. I even mute the phone to tell the others around me what I am hearing, as well as relaying our conversation via gmail chat to some of the other writers online. It was just so unbelievably funny, that I had to make sure others could remember it as it happened, or else it’d be forever denied as some fabrication or a future embellishment of an early point in the Grand Legend of The Elf Wax Times. This website has cost me a roommate.

The first casualty of war between The Elf Wax Times and the world was not a job, or a friend, or a girlfriend, or my car, or a possession charge – but a dyke roommate. No loss, she had bad teeth and an ugly haircut. Oh, and her attitude was just deplorable, not to mention embarrassing.

Hot, rare lesbians
She looked nothing like this

“There’s a lot of penis love, and woman hating. And I understand that – boys will be boys.” Yep. And stupid judgmental, hypocrite lesbians will be stupid hypocritical lesbians. This is a girl who expressed to me “We shouldn’t have police. That’s just my opinion. That’s why I want a shotgun. The police are pointless. Fuck the government. We’ll take care of ourselves.” I remember thinking to myself, hey a lesbian I can agree with.” And in all fairness, it stands to reason that a person who harbors such a strong opinion toward the government and humanity might not necessarily love the Elf Wax Times, but see that there’s room enough for this line of thinking, questioning, enough to where any reasonable man would expect the same kind of acceptance for his beliefs equal to that which he gracefully engages, right? Wrong. Not with judgmental hypocrite lesbians. In fact, once we got to talking about The Times, I said, “Yeah I remember you talking ‘down with the government.’ You ever think about writing? We need writers.”

“Yeah, poetry,” was her response. The tone of her voice changed to cautious optimism.

I said, “Oh, well nevermind. We need real writers.”

And that was pretty much that. She called me the next morning waking me up with some excuse about insurance. “If I move out of my mother’s place, I lose my insurance, and that’s like $1,400 and I just can’t afford to move out now, I guess.” I thought, yeah whatever, but if that really is the case…then what we’ve got is not only a judgmental homosexual hypocrite, but a stupid judgmental homosexual hypocrite – almost reduntant in theory, but certainly not in practice. Way to plan ahead, stupid bitch. Or way to tell a transparent lie because you’re too spineless to stand behind some stupid shit you said. Either way, good fucking riddance.

And that’s about all there is to say about the worthless cunt from two weeks ago. Except that yeah, we here at The Elf Wax Times still would’ve hit it.

And hey, this isn’t to say we hate women, or even gays or gay women. In fact, lesbian porn is alright. I have lesbian friends that I wouldn’t want to see in a lesbian porno, but then again, they’re probably not real lesbians. Gay friends, too, people I would do anything for. Well, anything but that. Plus, you’ll never have a gay guy get in your face and say, “Hey Bubba, I think Christian’s the only way to be and I’ll take you out back and kick yer fuckin’ ass if ya say it ain’t again.” You’ll never meet a gay guy who threatens your alpha male status. Likewise, you’ll never meet a gay guy who steals your girlfriend, unless they’re going shopping – and if that happens, bring him over for dinner at least once a week to ensure a long and prosperous relationship with your happy girlfriend who no longer makes you shop with her. You’ll also never accuse a woman of “shopping around with other men.” All in all, leg-shavers aren’t too bad, either. But mostly they are.

On that note, I would like to change the subject. The Rolling Stones stole a beat from Bo Diddly. But the law doesn’t protect drumbeats from copyright infringements. Go figure.

Moving on, I’d like to completely change the subject again using this beautiful transition that I call a period following a sentence. You like it because I tell you to like it. You’re a coward and too afraid to formulate your own opinion, so I’m going to tell you what to think here in a minute. Just sit tight. I learned this from Rush Limbaugh.

Alright, I’ve got myself another beer and I’m one step closer to enlightenment. Or blacking out. One or the two, they’re both the same in the cold, dark end, following a well-timed nuclear holocaust. Now it’s time to molest your little eyes with the truth, my babies. Prepare yourselves for a pointed statement.

Noam Chomsky said that the reason he is not on these late-night TV talk shows can be summarized by one word: concision, something he reportedly lacks. And it’s a judgment he agrees with because, you see, politics and economics and social structure are complex issues that require thoughtful, lengthy dialog, sometimes in the form of exchanged monologue. TV News and Talking Head Shows require their guests to answer a question or refute a claim in two sentences or less. It can’t take more than 30 seconds. The whole idea must be discussed between commercial breaks. Given this, actual intellectual discussion is abandoned, retarding any true progression of American ideology and standing in the way of enlightening discussion of important issues such as the military-industrial complex, the space program, the failures of mainstream media, or the government’s role in health care, if any. This means Noam Chomsky simply won’t be heard, in spite of the fact that he is the most reasonable, thoughtful man you’ll ever hear talking about modern issues that affect us all. His ideas may lack “concision”, but make up for it by the fact that after listening to him, you are enlightened and put at ease; put at ease not by means of pacification, or pandering, but you find yourself eased by reason, something TV news is lacking, and something we’ve learned to live without. Noam Chomsky is what’s wrong with America, simply by way of the fact that no one  gets to hear him argue with anybody.

I’ve heard him called extreme once – in a YouTube comment. He’s been called liberal – by a Conservative. He’s never been called a liar, though, and he’s never lost objectivity.

The real reason he’s not on TV can be summarized by middle school algebra, actually. Meet the Press wants to talk about story A and how it relates to story B. Story A indicates this and that, while story B reflects Story A’s ability to really outline the effects of Story B and A+B=A all over again. Let’s consult Mr. Chomsky on this. Chomsky’s response? “Well A and B are correlated, there’s no denying that, but you will see that if you look back through history and compare it to what’s happening with Story C and even the peasants revolt taking place today in Story D (EDITOR: didn’t see C and D coming, did ya fucker?), you’ll see that Story A and B are just an unfortunate side effect of Story E and what’s going on in relation to Story E. Now you see, Story E is unique because of this and that, and I think if we step back and think—”

“Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Chomsky that’s all we’ve got time for tonight. Thank you for coming on – we’ve still got so much to talk about. I really hope you’ll come back and talk to us again, it’s been a pleasure having you.”

Concision, kids. He lacks it. But did you ask for it? Write NBC, ABC, CBS (leave Fox alone, though, nobody takes them seriously except your stupid neighbor) and tell them you want real discussion on important events. They’ll laugh at you of course, but you can always tell them…just to say you did it, I guess. But let’s face it. Nothing’s going to change. They’ll ride us like whores because we let them fuck us like whores. And when I said write to the networks, I meant mail them letter-bombs with concise slogans like HOPE or CHANGE written on the packaging. They listen to concision, apparently, so maybe this is a good approach. Nothing says concision like a bomb-blast to the face, which is all that TV news is, if you think about it. Domestic terrorism of the mind.

Fuck concision. Concision is something lesbians like. “We’re here! We’re queer!” ….I know. Your point? Oh, you’ve been conditioned not to actually substantiate a claim by nightly news programs such as Heads Talk and Important Issues THAT MATTER MOST TO YOU, YOU FUCKING MCDONALD’S EATING PIECE OF SHIT HYPOCRITE. Yeah, I understand. The concision of your sound-byte argument makes up in attitude what it lacks in substance, right? Did Bill O’Reilly teach you that? Your own worst enemy is often who you parallel, or intersect perpendicularly – or inconsequentially, as you see fit.

‘But hey…I listen to Rage Against the Machine,’ you think. Stand up to the Man, you fucking lazy honkies. I swear to God, we need the fucking bombs of freedom exploding over our skies. They’ll call it terrorism, but that’s how America was fucking born, and how it’ll die. Bombings. Carpet-bombings. Nuclear bombings. Gas-bombing our own students, anti-protests and tanks running over people, just like the streets of China – that’s our future, America. And you welcomed it here when you voted for sleaze bags with big campaign finances in the local primaries – fuckers like Bill Richardson would not have even gotten close to the Presidential Race if it weren’t for you. And he seemed like a good guy when pitted against Mitt Romney and the likes of Gore, Obama and fucking Hillary Quittin. And McCain…what a joke. What a joke the whole god damn thing has been. You told it America, and I guess my reaction is the punchline?

I got an email today. The subject line reads “Fear is Winning.” I agree. It’s from freepress.org. They’re big money grassroots. I met them at the National Conference for Media Reform last year (or was it the year before last?). They’re big money. I used to campaign heavily, personally taxing myself at great lengths to protect net neutrality and that’s how I got wrapped up with them. They do email me every so often, saying, “Net Neutrality under fire again.” I think that issue is their catch-all. People have donated a lot of money to them in the name of Net Neutrality, believing that’s all they do. I don’t know, man. I used to really follow them. I would even go so far as to mail out their auto-letter, where the thing is written for me or I could add what I wanted to it. I don’t know if I trust them anymore, though, given that they make all that money, and I am afraid to just sign a letter they’ve already written for me. So I don’t do that anymore. I write my own letters. Congress used to get letters from me saying, “I would like you to vote on proposition 327 in favor of…” – now they read, “You savage fucking crooks! How could you rape your own countrymen as if we are your back-alley whores and prostitutes. We don’t serve you, you serve us, now get down on your knees and pray to your fake-ass God you don’t have to work for all that money you get.”

I think the message is clearer my way. But I still use freepress’s handy interface to “mail my local congresswhore.”

So after all this, I bid you goodnight, dear readers, and I hope that I wake up tomorrow and find in the AP wire “Extremist exposes himself to a federal judge after reading internet news column.” I’d do it for you, dorks. Now fuck off, I’m drunk.