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Hate Technology

Th3j35t3r’s 9/11 terror spree

In th3j35t3r’s constant struggle against Jihadists, he has grown increasingly similar to his most hated enemies. By committing several terror attacks on 9/11, he has become more like Al-Qaeda than ever before. But is it going too far to call th3j35t3r’s attacks terrorism? As a recent victim of an attack by th3j35t3r, Chronicle.SU is of the opinion that th3j35t3r is indeed a terrorist. He was quick to publish our personal details in the hopes that it would scare us into submission. By this action alone, th3j35t3r definitely fits the most basic definition for terrorist.

Recently identified as a possible astroturf campaign, th3j35t3r has fought hard against allegations that he uses a botnet. While several stories have been planted in the press promoting his denial of botnet ownership, such claims rely completely on th3je5t3r’s word – the word of a law-breaking anonymous vigilante. Curiously, he refuses to release the software which enables such remarkable attacks without the use of botnets. This kind of secretive vigilantism most definitely raises many important questions, even as th3j35t3r’s 9/11 hacks mark his steady descent into a world of pure terrorism. Such secrecy does not exactly scream “activist.”

While th3j35t3r may temporarily disrupt the communications of small Jihadist forums, he acts without the approval of the military. He can only be getting in the way of serious attempts at infiltration and espionage by real experts with real defense contracts. By making provocative military action completely outside the jurisdiction of America’s military, th3j35t3r is most definitely committing acts of terrorism. It is little wonder that so few military men support th3j35t3r. They know there is no place for vigilantism on the battlefield. Yet th3j35t3r, like many terrorists, works alone.

Th3j353t3r often targets web sites on shared hosting, such as Chronicle.SU, meaning his attacks cause collateral damage to innocent civilians. He razes entire virtual cities to silence a few extremists. This all amounts to another striking similarity between th3j35t3r and Jihadists. Th3j35t3r does not take any effort to minimize collateral damage.

Like the Jihadists, it is clear th3j35t3r’s favorite day for vigilante military action is 9/11. The line that separates him from the terrorists he attacks has grown increasingly thin, and to be honest, it’s surprising he has not been condemned by a military that is surely conducting serious business in the cybertheater. The final comparison between th3j35t3r and Jihadists is possibly the most profound. Where any sensible military acts only to achieve specific goals, terrorists like th3j35t3r and bin Laden only act to bring publicity to their cause. Th3j35t3r seeks to escalate military conflict just for fame. Real experts fight thanklessly and have no use for a jester prancing around the battlefield, begging for bitcoins.

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Editorial

A Message from CommanderX: I Love Massa Paid Troll th3j35t3r

My name is CommanderX of Anonymous fame, or at least, that’s who I tell people I am. Lately I’ve been having a bit of an identity crisis, and there are a few things I need you to understand.

See, yesterday, I put out this fatwa against anyone who would dare engage in cyberattacks against the U.S. on 9/11. I was deliberately vague about “cyberattacks.” I might have meant denial-of-service attacks. I might have meant sophisticated attacks on SCADA systems. Nobody knows.

I get to use computer security terms as imprecisely and incorrectly as I want. You’ve gotta grant me poetic license because I’m the feared commander of the PLF. Also, I don’t really know what I meant by “the U.S.” Kinda just stuck that one out there to chill any acts of Internet dissent. Heed that and heed that good, OPBart retards.

The other thing I mentioned is that I would cooperate with paid troll th3j35t3r in righteous retaliation against any lame ass peons who would dare engage in a “cyberattack” on “the U.S.” on 9/11. I also asked massa paid troll th3j35t3r to kindly, out of his deep benevolence, stop attacking my secondary domain.

Now, I’m not really sure how I’ll attack you if you fuck with America on 9/11 since I can’t even put massa paid troll th3j35t3r in his place for attacking my secondary domain, but be warned and be warned good. And don’t ask me to authenticate my identity either. Officially, as of now, I’m continuing with my plan to going into hiding in the wake of some arrest or something to scare you and further chill your Internet actions. Don’t fuck with America.

Also, fuck you queers who say that the real America has already been anally destroyed by a set of private interests that have appropriated the name “America.” Stand down. America is what it is. And you can be damn sure that I’m gonna defend it as supreme leader of the People’s Liberation Front, that radical cyberguerilla group.

All Anon– I mean PLF members — are ordered to stand down now!

CommanderX

P.S. All hail the omnipotence of massa paid troll th3j35t3r

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Categories
Editorial Uncontrollable Patriotism

For the love of God, don’t masturbate or have sex on 9/11

Just do what it says.

There are a myriad of solid reasons NOT to enjoy sexual pleasure on 9/11, such as safety, respect and religious zeal. Even more importantly, everyone knows that those who engage in sexual activity on 9/11 do not care about all the innocent people who died on 9/11. It was the day that everything changed. When those towers came down, American flags came out. Even so, one must completely refrain from masturbation, intercourse, and all forms of sexual stimulation on 9/11 in order to observe the holiday righteously.

First of all, it’s 9/11. Terror alerts will be raised and threats will be made. 9/11 is not a day on which it is wise to let one’s guard down. By masturbating or having sex on 9/11, citizens will put themselves in danger. Don’t take the risk of being caught unprepared. In the likely event of a terror attack, masturbation or sex is a deadly mistake. Stay safe on 9/11.

Secondly, how could anyone even masturbate with the endless inescapable thoughts of the innocent dead? Only a twisted and disturbed individual would be able to achieve orgasm on 9/11. It is despicable for anyone to forget about 9/11. Everyone knows the first rule of 9/11 is never forget, and breaking that rule is just as bad as having sex on 9/11. The guilt and shame should be so pervasive as to completely eliminate any Patriotic American’s sex drive.

Thirdly, we must remember always that Jesus is watching. Jesus might let a little masturbation slip by every now and then, but know that masturbation on 9/11 will earn you his hatred and a ticket straight to hell. Should a child be conceived on 9/11, the implications could be dangerous, if not deadly. At the very least, the child would likely grow up to become a converted Muslim. Worst case scenario, the evil of a couple knowingly enjoying sex on 9/11 would create a demonic portal through which the devil could plant the seed of the Antichrist. Fucking on 9/11 could mean the end of the world.

If someone enjoys sexual pleasure on 9/11, it is immediately apparent to those of us who are appropriately guilt-ridden and fear-stricken. The person who defiles 9/11 appears smarmy and cock-sure as if he or she has forgotten about 9/11. The devil turns bodies into empty casks and fills them with demons. Don’t even think of masturbating on 9/11.