Category: Editorial

It means ‘opinion,’ dumbass.

A Message from CommanderX: I Love Massa Paid Troll th3j35t3r

Post author By @PLF2012
Post date September 11, 2011
6 Comments on A Message from CommanderX: I Love Massa Paid Troll th3j35t3r

My name is CommanderX of Anonymous fame, or at least, that’s who I tell people I am. Lately I’ve been having a bit of an identity crisis, and there are a few things I need you to understand.

See, yesterday, I put out this fatwa against anyone who would dare engage in cyberattacks against the U.S. on 9/11. I was deliberately vague about “cyberattacks.” I might have meant denial-of-service attacks. I might have meant sophisticated attacks on SCADA systems. Nobody knows.

I get to use computer security terms as imprecisely and incorrectly as I want. You’ve gotta grant me poetic license because I’m the feared commander of the PLF. Also, I don’t really know what I meant by “the U.S.” Kinda just stuck that one out there to chill any acts of Internet dissent. Heed that and heed that good, OPBart retards.

The other thing I mentioned is that I would cooperate with paid troll th3j35t3r in righteous retaliation against any lame ass peons who would dare engage in a “cyberattack” on “the U.S.” on 9/11. I also asked massa paid troll th3j35t3r to kindly, out of his deep benevolence, stop attacking my secondary domain.

Now, I’m not really sure how I’ll attack you if you fuck with America on 9/11 since I can’t even put massa paid troll th3j35t3r in his place for attacking my secondary domain, but be warned and be warned good. And don’t ask me to authenticate my identity either. Officially, as of now, I’m continuing with my plan to going into hiding in the wake of some arrest or something to scare you and further chill your Internet actions. Don’t fuck with America.

Also, fuck you queers who say that the real America has already been anally destroyed by a set of private interests that have appropriated the name “America.” Stand down. America is what it is. And you can be damn sure that I’m gonna defend it as supreme leader of the People’s Liberation Front, that radical cyberguerilla group.

All Anon– I mean PLF members — are ordered to stand down now!

CommanderX

P.S. All hail the omnipotence of massa paid troll th3j35t3r

Editorial Uncontrollable Patriotism

For the love of God, don’t masturbate or have sex on 9/11

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date September 10, 2011
5 Comments on For the love of God, don’t masturbate or have sex on 9/11

There are a myriad of solid reasons NOT to enjoy sexual pleasure on 9/11, such as safety, respect and religious zeal. Even more importantly, everyone knows that those who engage in sexual activity on 9/11 do not care about all the innocent people who died on 9/11. It was the day that everything changed. When those towers came down, American flags came out. Even so, one must completely refrain from masturbation, intercourse, and all forms of sexual stimulation on 9/11 in order to observe the holiday righteously.

First of all, it’s 9/11. Terror alerts will be raised and threats will be made. 9/11 is not a day on which it is wise to let one’s guard down. By masturbating or having sex on 9/11, citizens will put themselves in danger. Don’t take the risk of being caught unprepared. In the likely event of a terror attack, masturbation or sex is a deadly mistake. Stay safe on 9/11.

Secondly, how could anyone even masturbate with the endless inescapable thoughts of the innocent dead? Only a twisted and disturbed individual would be able to achieve orgasm on 9/11. It is despicable for anyone to forget about 9/11. Everyone knows the first rule of 9/11 is never forget, and breaking that rule is just as bad as having sex on 9/11. The guilt and shame should be so pervasive as to completely eliminate any Patriotic American’s sex drive.

Thirdly, we must remember always that Jesus is watching. Jesus might let a little masturbation slip by every now and then, but know that masturbation on 9/11 will earn you his hatred and a ticket straight to hell. Should a child be conceived on 9/11, the implications could be dangerous, if not deadly. At the very least, the child would likely grow up to become a converted Muslim. Worst case scenario, the evil of a couple knowingly enjoying sex on 9/11 would create a demonic portal through which the devil could plant the seed of the Antichrist. Fucking on 9/11 could mean the end of the world.

If someone enjoys sexual pleasure on 9/11, it is immediately apparent to those of us who are appropriately guilt-ridden and fear-stricken. The person who defiles 9/11 appears smarmy and cock-sure as if he or she has forgotten about 9/11. The devil turns bodies into empty casks and fills them with demons. Don’t even think of masturbating on 9/11.

Hate News

Th3j35t3r’s lie

On Sunday, Chronicle.SU was attacked by th3j35t3r, noteworthy Anonymous pedophile. On Wednesday, Chronicle.SU rose from the dead – kind of like Jesus over there, except this really happened. Now, while th3j35t3r is carrying out yet more superficial attacks on WikiLeaks, we’d like to share with the world exactly how petty and powerless this “jester” character really is. Read on, citizen.

During our outage, sockpuppets for th3j35t3r claimed that we had not, in fact, been attacked. They demanded our former host force the removal of any and all references to th3j35t3r and assumed that is what actually happened. Actually, our host refused. But when the Chronicle went down from th3j35t3r’s subsequent attack, his child porn ring claimed victory because they’re really just that dumb.

The real attack, a distributed denial of service, proved that a traditional botnet is a functional part of th3j35t3r’s arsenal. We reported accusations of th3j35t3r violating children – and the computers of children – which provoked him to flat out attack us. He attacked us because it was true and we are a threat to him. We are a threat to his pedophilia. He stated several times that he didn’t attack us, and that he didn’t use a botnet. He lied.

Th3j35t3r commits libel as routine, d0xing anyone who looks like they might be LulzSec, peace be with them. He d0xed us, implying that we should fear the consequences of exercising the freedom of speech. Implying that we are criminals, for speaking the truth.

He abuses the infrastructure of the internet and breaks the law for personal glory and fame. He’s not helping anyone out, and especially not soldiers at war.

What kind of sheltered first world dildo would believe that th3j35t3r’s attacks are demoralizing or debilitating terrorists? More to the point, what kind of terrorist sits at his computer, trying to refresh some fucking forum before he goes out to kill infidels? “Gotta Jihad but first f5 to make sure we’re still game.” The same kind of terrorist who sits in Northern Virginia eating Hot Pockets refreshing 4chan, discussing the same old revolutionary bullshit that’ll never happen. Noko! 404.

Th3j35t3r is all misdirection. He’s a living lie, if you can call that living. Every time we’ve called him on his lies, he’s doubled down and socks a threat or five, claiming that each one is the “first and last” – retweeting his own faildox to a miserly 300 views. This internet try-hard has no power he doesn’t fake or take. That is, none of it is earned anymore than you earned access to the Chronicle.SU today.

Hey jesterfag, you just lost the game. Or, has the game lost you? Since reporting on th3j35t3r, the Chronicle.SU has enjoyed no increase in traffic although we did pick up seven Twitter followers – or 700% of living, breathing followers who know what “th3j35t3r” is. If there is anything to be learned from our coverage of the declining child pornographer and pseudo-hacker (scriptkiddie), it is this: The Jester is officially completely utterly irrelevant.

JesterAttacksChronicle320 by ChronicleSU

On the phone: James K. Galloway

Tags child, cp, DoS, fail, journalism, pedophile, rape, real facts, slowloris, sockpuppet, th3j35t3r, truth, xerxes