The World’s first Black President announced America’s first official language Tuesday.
Following the announcement, President Barack Hussein Obama signed the panama canal back over to Colombia and declared his oneness with both the Virgin Mary and T-Pain.
Following shortly behind Hussein Obama’s speech, Sheikh Mohammed declared on Al-Jazeera the President’s actions to be “an acceptable beginning to further talks of uniting the Mid-East and The US once and for all.”
The only problem is that the people of both Columbia and the Middle East as a whole are against T-Pain and his “Recklessly progessive” use of Auto-Tuning software as quoted by one upset Columbian Woman.
Christina Martinez is visibly upset
Critics of auto-tuning software cite its abuse by “musicians” like the unlistenable Cher, or the overplayed Souljah Boi or whatever.
T-Pain measures the crack-cocaine ratio of this award
Since Pres. Obama’s monumental handout of the Panama canal to the Columbians there have been 4,039 oraganized protests against T-Pain, the Obama Presidency, and Auto-Tuning in general.
To import more Farsi-speaking slaves, the Colombians use the Panama Canal, taxing all other travelers for different amounts, depending on where their gasoline comes from.
The best example of our failures as a society comes from auto-tuning, unearthed as the music industry dried up following the demise of Britney Spears, Puff Daddy, and Kanye West, who does not care about white people.
“Nowadays,” said Chief Music Appreciation Expert of The Elf Wax Times Carlos Bannana, “You can simply turn on the auto-tune machine, some phasers, set the tremelo on full-blast and play one note, listening as it magically unfolds into a unique, progressive song before your very eyes and ears.”
JUNEAU, Alaska– Governess un-elect Sarah Palin signed a bill last year (she stamped it) to make every February 2nd Marmot Day in Alaska.
Because there are no groundhogs in Alaska, Senator Linda Menard (R – Wasilla) said it “made sense” for the “ground squirrel” to become Alaska’s doppelganger to Pennsylvania’s Punxsutawney Phil.
Hope
Senator Menard did not write weather forecast duties for the marmot into the bill, so the day has become Alaska’s watered down ripoff of what was already a fake, pathetic holiday to celebrate the fact that Alaska has no groundhogs. She hopes that the state will create educational activities around the animal.
Editor’s note: with the exception of our writers’ liberal use of the traditionally-forbidden editorial (good job), this story is one hundred percent true. Bill Murray was not immediately available for comment.
Here to commemorate this hilarious event is Jim Forest, beard enthusiast.
I haven’t visited the Elf Wax control panel in so long, my cookies didn’t “remember me.”
So I imagine a lot of you are like shitting your pants, OMG WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ELF WAX, well you know some of us have better shit to do than sit around jacking off to other people’s websites.
And that’s precisely what we’ve been doing – jacking off to other people’s websites. More specifically, we’ve been jacking off to Vice Presidential Candidate and Governor-un-elect Sarah Palin’s FOX internet updates, which can be found at FOX’s website, under their internet updates section, which is soon to be renamed “Sarah Palin XXX HORSE BUM PISS *****SCAT **** FUCK ****CLICK HERE******”
I wonder who she voted for?
So the government’s coming out to play, has anyone noticed? America’s putting ten thousand troops onto Haitian soil and blocking off their shoreline, because everyone knows they’ll boom straight for America seeking Visas. I didn’t think credit cards were in such high demand. Who knew? Haitians must love debt or else they wouldn’t come to us.
The BBC headline reads “US troops step up Haiti efforts.” Effort toward what, exactly? Haiti’s fucked, man. They need help. And we’re helping them – with guns. Fuck yeah. “Eat, bitch, or I will shoot you.” Yeah, we brought food, too.
And we’re still bringing food, so Haiti can’t be as hungry for food as we are for Truth here at The Elf Wax Times. So who’s really being more selfish, here? We don’t get any thank-you’s for exploiting a natural disaster only to scrounge up a healthy offering of PCP-laced truth.
The photos you are about to see here are taken directly from pimpin09’s web site. Haiti after the earthquake is in horrible shape. There is no clean water. There is no good place to live besides a tent. There is no food, there are no establishments, their worthless money is about as meaningful in the end as their voodoo traditions of sacrifice (but they don’t know it yet), and there is no system.
What isn’t well-known, however, is that Haiti has always been this way. Even though it’s killing lots, the earthquake changed little.
A woman covers her face as smoke billows from a pre-earthquake trash-fireBefore the earthquake, Haitians lived under rusty sheet metal. Guess they'll have to pin it back up.
Haitians carry water for miles because no one has clean water. However, they completely lack sanitation so walking miles to get it makes no difference.Hungry Haitians sacrifice a hungrier goat to some Voodoo god (and then eat it)
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Ed. Note: Readers, DO NOT FEAR. Unlike our God, Voodoo gods are not real.
So what exactly is our responsibility to these people? OK, sure, let’s help them bulldoze corpses into a hole, airdrop some shit and get the fuck out. But soon, thanks to airdrop technology perfected by Infinity Ward, the Haitians will eat better than even I can afford, and I’m a rich CEO at Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. And this country has always lacked an infrastructure. They’ve never had a sanitation system and the corruption is actually concentrated in leaders who simply live way up high where weak, poor people can’t reach them. One rape-mongering police force is all this cutthroat oligarchy needs to maintain power.
Without a system of government, a valid police force, military, leadership, without infrastructure, Haiti is there for the taking. It always has been, but there’s no diplomatic chance to claim it “peacefully.” Until an earthquake occurred, and suddenly it appears as though troops need to be there.
Currently, two thousand UN troops are working around the clock in Haiti; and seven thousand American troops are in there or camped outside with three thousand more on the way, preemptively granting priority to military flights by default. A “mechanism” had to be put in place between the hippies and the Air Force so “humanitarian flights” could be put ahead in the queue over military flights, which – weren’t they originally there to aid the crisis anyway? So, shouldn’t everyone be given equal priority to land, especially since they’re all working toward the same end?
That contradiction implies the war machine operates coldly, prioritizing all flights in a rigid order wherein ‘first come, first serve’ does not apply, and so it needed to be changed. Impossible! Maybe for China, but certainly not the U.S. military. But, that means guns on the ground are more important than food on the ground. From an objective journalist’s perspective, there is no way to say or properly indict on such a hunch, but my instincts still tell me something is wrong, and it’s probably not a matter of one stubborn control tower.
We’re going global warfare on more fronts than Rumsfeld could have ever dreamed of. Hopefully, this is a signal that our collective Modern Warfare 2 experience points could be having some effect on the human mentality. Because I don’t know about you, but I’ve been kicking more than my share of ass in that game.
Back to Coast to Coast AM:
We’re going East of the Rockies now to Mary-Ann, who believes in psychic abilities, but she’d like to clarify that she is not a psychic. However, she does claim to have had pre-cognitive dreams and experiences of people dying and wants to know what it means. When she says something to someone who does not expect her to be a psychic but she correctly guesses trivia around their lives, this time involving an earthquake, they give her “the look.”
