General Tso’s chicken is a staple of American Chinese take-out restaurants, familiar to millions of fatasses. Starting at the turn of the 20th century, early Chinese restaurants began to sprout up all over America, fueled by the popularity of General Tso’s chicken. Chinese establishments have long been known to spike their food with inordinate amounts of MSG, a practice that increases business at the expense of public health.
Recent scientific findings by trusted Elf Wax scientists have revealed a dangerously high lead content in many Chinese restaurants. Due to the use of lead paint in take-out menus, food coloring, and dish soap, some restaurants have served Elf Wax scientists with General Tso’s Chicken contaminated with fatal doses of lead. The amount of lead ranged as high as 13% leading a few racist republicans to theorize the Chinese government is attempting to poison America.
Beijing has refused to comment on the actions of “American Citizens” who are in no way influenced by the Chinese government. Several restaurant owners were asked to comment, but none could do so in fluent English. Beijing did state that “the Chinese paint industry does not rely on lead,” but several lead mines have been located by our journalists through Google Earth. While China denies that they have the ability to purify Lead into food-grade dyes, the purchase of 17 centrifuges from Iran has prompted an international uproar. Our experts advise that if you suspect your food of being overly dense or sporting a suspicious metallic sheen, that you should avoid eating a full serving. “You can’t be too cautious when it comes to lead in your food” -Dr Angstrom H. Troubador
Category: News
Shit happens.
Washington, D.C.–
Due to coming into close physical contact with government pigs in Washington, U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama has been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus, popularly known as swine flu, following a doctor visit Friday.
Due to coming into close physical contact with government pigs in Washington, U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama has been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus, popularly known as swine flu, following a doctor visit Friday.
Noticeable symptoms include tiredness of the eyes, a glazed “thousand-yard-stare” and the onset of a delirium so intense that President Obama has accidentally given all the taxpayers’ money to AIG, which was consequently sent to Europe and China. The president has also begun weighing unseen, possibly imagined factors that incidentally, are found to have greater impact in the ongoing financial crisis than the broad lexicon of “facts” and trends made publicly available by the powers that be.
President Hussein, consulting Jihadists on foreign policy
“This newfound insight gained from the President’s crippling delusional attacks has opened a window through which the public can now see what really affects world politics,” Professor of Political Science at Berkeley, California and tweed jacket enthusiast, David Brunauer said earlier this morning.
“He keeps talking about this little smokey room that he’s forced into on a weekly basis and made to watch pro-Deion Sanders propaganda,” Brunauer intimated. And then panic flashed through his eyes, as he rhetorically asked, “Is that guy even relevant to football anymore?”
The room is allegedly decorated with Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana flair so concentrated it can transform any man’s ordinary sexual conviction into raging pedophilia.“Hanging from the ceilings are hooks, chains and leather straps,” Brunauer described. “I’d like to see this room,” he said skeptically, “And I’d sure like to experience it.”
Indeed, the journalism community is swarming with ant-like fervor around these new details, as signals of a New World Order are coming to light – small rooms where the world’s fate is decided by brainwashing techniques centered around a post-pubescent-but-not-quite-legal collage of Disney’s top-earning star. The president and forced sodomy. His relationship to Saddam Hussein Obama [deceased]. His recent affection for Hugh Laurie and his award-winning portrayal of the pseudo-doctor, Gregory House.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said of Obama, “He’s been holed up in the White House bedroom for close to two weeks now. I peeked in on him earlier today and he was sprawled out across the top comforter of the king-size presidential bed on his stomach, watching House on his laptop, complaining of Hulu.com’s interjecting advertisements, and kicking his legs around in the air behind him like he didn’t have a care in the world. Iran is building nukes, God damn it!” Clinton’s face then melted, revealing the menacing facade of a cinder-eyed cyborg, gnashing its silvery teeth for Elf Wax reporters. This is part of her regular self-destruct sequence, however, and aides reassured the press that it is no cause for alarm.
Hillary Clinton braces for meltdown
As swine flu rips through the White House, out of its bursting seams come the tides of change, but not the change Americans voted for back in November. Some analysts are saying swine flu is just what the country needed. Others warn of an impending apocalypse as the President’s mental breakdown points to a takeover by the Chinese Mafia. “A bloodless coup is pretty much impossible at this point,” warns chief military adviser Harry Branch, “as Russia and China have dedicated themselves to rebuilding their arsenals, akin to a modern-day Cold War arms race.”
President Obama reports that in the coming war, he will have the computer banks of his Central Command Center hooked up to Blizzard’s real-time strategy game Starcraft, so that he “may better command his forces in a way that he is most familiar with.”
Ridiculously, Obama believes the computer game will simulate the real-life forces and effects of the U.S. Army, in spite of the fact that neither Russia nor China will respond with “a predictable Zerg rush,” as his new, hallucinated cabinet has forecast.
The president says it will be a long, drawn out single-player campaign, during which nobody will have the opportunity to use his home computer for any purpose, even to briefly check their gmail accounts. Not even porn will be allowed, Obama said. He explained, “What is not widely known about Starcraft is that pressing alt+tab will minimize the game so that other programs may be used. That’s great, but when you bring Starcraft back to full screen, the colors are all messed up, requiring a restart, and that is a threat to the country I can not in good conscience permit.”
An SCV rush, or what Obama calls “The Peoples’ Revolt”
Due to multiplying health concerns, many Americans have come forward asking Obama to be the first black man to step down as president. “Sensing weakness in your pathetic hearts,” he replied, “I will not step down as president, but I will step up my game, and step on anybody who tries to get in my way, including you, your family, your lives and this country. But I will not walk on China, to whom I have just surrendered the last of our physical currency.” Obama then said, “Good game,” and went back into the oval office, where Maury could be overheard declaring someone to be the father of yet another unwanted child. The move was dubbed an ‘allied victory’ so Americans can still say they’ve “never lost a war.”
As of now, the country is in turmoil and things are just getting worse thanks to the critically-flawed strategies of the Obama administration. The Chinese drug lords have officially breached the ground floor of Elf Wax Times Western Hemisphere North American Headquarters, Cuthbert, Georgia, declaring martial law.
This just in: S.O.S. we are being held against our wills and are being told via translator that death camps await the Elf Wax staff for severe penalties against the Central Chinese government relating to a video released last month of actors pretending to be Chinese guardsmen protecting the values of China in Tibet. Several of us have been killed for attempted escape. The rest will follow. May God have mercy on our souls.
I recently read that giraffe smell terrible……almost unbearable. One person described the giraffe as an animal that always smells like it’s been dead for a week. Upon hearing this, I had to find out why they smell so bad. I couldn’t help myself. After doing a little research, I found out that giraffe hair contains two of the chemicals that give feces its smell. The smell is so bad, that it actually repels ticks and mosquitoes. Can you imagine having hair that reeked so strongly of shit, that ticks wouldn’t even crawl on you? Game wardens claim that they can smell giraffe from a mile away when they are downwind.
While doing research on the pungent aroma of the giraffe, I learned about the sloth, and how terribly they stink. The tree sloth spends most of its life hanging upside down. They move so slowly, that they could not possibly climb down on the ground to piss. So, naturally, they piss all over themselves every time they piss while hanging upside down. And having a lifetime of piss in their fur tends to create quite a stench. Adding to the stench is the mildew growing in the piss-soaked fur of the sloth. The mildew actually serves to provide camouflage for the sloth. That piss-soaked, mildew covered fur, creates a stench that must be experienced for one to fully comprehend it.
Now, this isn’t the national geographic stinking animal forum, so I will get to the real issue I wanted to discuss……..third world countries……..and their human-giraffe-sloth populous.
We’ve all heard of the swine flu pandemic coming out of Mexico. The common misconception is that this is a disease caused by the Suidae (aka pigs), which was passed on to the Mexicans. Now, I have been to Mexico many times, and I can tell you that you can smell the place about a mile from the border at Tijuana. It is a typical third world country, in which the collective masses ignore well known sanitary practices, and choose to live in their own squalor. There is raw sewage flowing through the streets of every large city I visited in Mexico. If the people there are content to live in their own squalor, one can only imagine the conditions in which Mexican pigs are forced to live…….eating, standing, and sleeping in their own filth. It’s a shame that any animal is forced to live in those conditions. It’s no wonder that swine flu is running rampant down there. The truth of the matter is that the Mexicans gave swine flu to the pigs, they didn’t catch it from the pigs. They gave swine flu to the pigs, then caught swine flu from the pigs, and were later generous enough to sneak into neighboring countries and share their swine flu with the world.
The official position of the Mexican government is that the blame for the swine flu pandemic lies squarely on the shoulders of the World Health Organization for not doing more to stop the swine flu pandemic after they caused it. Yep……..you read that correctly…….it’s not their fault that they caused this problem, but it’s everyone else’s fault for not fixing the problem after they caused it.
As you sit at your computer reading this, there are citizens of third world countries taking a dump in the garden where they grow their food, and pissing in their own water supply. Just like any five year old American child knows not to do that, they know not to do that, but they do it anyway. And when they get sick from doing what they know they shouldn’t, it will be your fault for not somehow doing more to clean up the pile of shit they left on top of the food growing in their garden. I mean, you could stop reading this right now, fly down there, and follow these human sloths around, and clean up their shit and piss for them. But you’re not going to…….your still sitting at your computer reading this.
So, everything is your fault, asshole!