Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

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Categories
Editorial Technology Uncontrollable Patriotism

The USA is a Binary nation-state

[Editor’s note: Okay, alright now we are going to write this. I smoked a big old fat thing of weed and now we are going to write an article about]

The state of our world

…digital and otherwise – assuming there’s a difference (based on a paper forwarded to me by Kilgoar, I unconsciously pore over the definition of reality. The paper – originally published in a scientific journal, but now Aaron Swarz’d on this subversive website – stipulated that substantial evidence “exists” to suggest reality as we know it is a computer simulation.

The cat pictured is exhibiting extra-binary political analysis.
The cat pictured above is exhibiting extra-binary political analysis.

Let’s just say for a second that we do live in a computer simulation designed to reproduce (or produce for the very first time) each facet of our existence – from the evolution of the single-celled organism to mankind, or from illiteracy to telekinesis. Let’s assume that every instance of reality exists not only in probability but in practicality. If we are part of “one” simulation then we may infer there possibly could be many others. Perhaps these alternate realities play out in widening variations – even to the extent we no longer recognize existence in its many otherworldly iterations.

Or let’s just say that’s all bullshit. Either way, does a two-party system actually reflect the needs of mankind?

Even fucking binary code “needs” more than 1′s and 0′s to function. Binary needs a processor.

Our false-binary political system does not allow us to recognize what goes on outside that vote – or that the government itself is a sort of processor, and not the result of voting itself. The processor is designed for certain purposes; all of them acted out, at its most basic level, in binary. And that is how America votes (and the results are menacingly consistent). Republican or Democrat, “left” or “right,” this one or that one, the lesser of two evils, and so on … it is by design that these are our choices.

It is of the utmost importance that we question, at every opportunity, what “reality” is, or is not.

To be, or not to be, that is the question—

This is a classic example of pre-computer false binary. I would have sailed out across God’s green ocean, and to hell with revenge and the idolization of one’s enemies.

http://youtu.be/h7TgTb_0wsg

But Prince Hamlet let himself get wrapped up in the binary when he should have been thinking about wrecking the processors. If you don’t like what your Pentium IV from 1999 is doing, then you don’t delete out a line of code. You replace that motherfucker. I’m talking about a processor revolution, and people don’t think like that. We are taught to think in binary. Yes and no.

So what if you KNEW “everything” was a computer simulation. Wouldn’t you want to play in it? Wouldn’t you be interested in seeing what it can do? Or does being a process relegate us to certain behaviors, certain parameters – certain “rules.” Maybe, right? But isn’t it worth a try?

#replaceallprocessors

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Categories
Fashion News Science Special Interest Technology World

Snapchat Employee Arrested for Selling User Nude "Selfies" on the "Darknet"

snapchatLOS ANGELES, CA – The popular smartphone application “Snapchat” came under siege last week due to a decimating security breach, which allowed Internet hackers to enumerate 4.6 million user names and their corresponding phone numbers, before being halted by the servers API rate limit. Just as the snappy startup fixed its security faults, there came another blow to the reputation of what has become one of the most popular forms of sending sexually provocative, explicit even, pictures to friends, especially amongst teens.

Saturday, January 4th, the home of Snapchat employee and co-founder Dave Davidson was raided by the FBI, along with the Snapchat office in Los Angeles. When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the FBI’s Los Angeles branch had little to offer, but shed some light on the allegations: “The investigation is ongoing, but we can tell you that Davidson is being held under suspicion of distributing child pornography– pictures of teens he’d gathered from the Snapchat server– and selling them in bulk on what we have dubbed the “darknet,” a haven for pedophiles and Internet hackers, but we got’em this time… We got’em,” he said with a nod.

The “darknet” the agent referred to is a known nickname for the Tor network, which anonymizes Internet traffic and uses its own pseudo-top-level-domains known as “.onions” where anonymous communities are setup to disseminate child porn, atomic bombs and homeopathic cancer cures.

Colleagues of Davidson were shocked to find out what he had done: “He was always staying late, you know, putting in the extra work or so we thought,” said a Snapchat employee, “He always wore a hoodie with “REVENGE PORN” on the back, but we just thought he was being ironic. This is all quite chilling, really.”

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Categories
Health

Churches "cave" to safe sex activists

High school kids dry humping
“Dry humping” is a form of safe sex not explicitly prohibited by the Bible, a historical and factual document.

INTERNET — Churches across the nation relented under pressure from safe sex advocacy groups, and will no longer teach abstinence-only sex “education.”

Pastor Freida Phelps said, “There’s nothing in the bible against dryhumping, and as far as I can tell, sex with a condom is just dryhumping with penetration. In God’s eyes, that ain’t even sex.”

This comes on the heels of the “Miley and Jesus” episode of Miley’s Grace, the reality television show featuring pop singer Miley Cyrus.

Miley’s Grace follows the pop singer along her painful spiritual attempt to “get right with my Daddy.” Miley told viewers, in a private confessional, “Y’all, I seen God last night, and he came to me and he said ‘You keep Twerkin’ Miley, there’s no sin at all in it,’ and you know what, He’s right. Just cause it feels good don’t mean it’s a sin.”

Already high schools around the nation have reported a problem with teens wearing 99%-waterproof underwear, dryhumping in lounges and during lunch.

Hidden Valley High School Principal Daniel Levins said, “That underwear keeps the kids and their Hot Topic threads clean, but it makes the stench of the fluids much, much worse. Tepid semen sits in that skin-tight reservoir all tight up against their skin and instead of drying out it goes sour. The stink of seminal and vaginal secretions are in the halls, in the classrooms. You can smell it from the parking lot. It’s even worse at the mall, where no one even attempts to put a stop to all the dryhumping.”

Dan Oglesby of the Virginia branch of the Occupational Safety and Health Administration said the utilisation of Axe body spray has only made conditions worse.

“It chokes you up to go in there,” Oglesby explained. “Now it stinks to high heaven like pussy, ball-sweat and cheap perfume. We didn’t have all this when I was in school. What ever happened to pocket pinball?”

Schools around the nation that have been unable to contain the dryhumping are being put on lockdown, in extreme cases. Some fear the latest proclamation from church leaders and Miley Cyrus will turn the school system into a never ending orgy of what is now being promoted as “safe sex education.”

“The kids these days,” Levins said, “they don’t know what’s best for them as well as we adults do. All a kid wants is to feel pleasure derived sexually from their fathers, and now that Miley’s telling everyone that’s okay, it’s like Daddy’s not enough. They’re looking for it anywhere. We’re just trying to contain this horrible, sexy situation.”