Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

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Health Law Local News Science Uncontrollable Patriotism

LSD FOUND IN ROANOKE WATER SUPPLY, ALL WATER SHUT OFF


ROANOKE, VA–As a result of the recent findings of pharmaceutical drugs in tap water across the U.S., a local study in Roanoke, Virginia has found traces of lysergic acid diethylamide(LSD) in the community’s water supply. Experts say the water supply could’ve been “spiked” many years ago. Tragiluckily, police have taken necessary measures and shut off all water in the Roanoke Valley, leaving thousands waterless, hopeless, and, of course, tripless.
Local citizen and water enthusiast, Travis Parcha(pictured right), 22, stated that the mass water outage “kinda sucks, dude” as he realized he had no beverage to co-consume with his pizza(s). Roanoke OverEnforce Commissioner, Gordon Magwalice III, issued a statement earlier this lifetime stating that the outage is expected to last several years in order to ensure that no LSD is wonderfully ingested and perhaps could continue “until Earth dries up like a prune.” Commissioner Magwalice III said that this now solved problem may explain the design of the upcoming Art Museum of Western Virginia as well. Construction of the museum has been indefinitely halted. Back to you, Shep!

This has been generously brought to you by Lebal Drocer Inc.

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Health News Religion World

End of the World Draws Near

In the aftermath of the scientific discovery that there is no god and that all is merely as Science explains, Pope Benedict has abdicated his position and liquidated all church assets and given them to the poor. Poverty in Europe has been ended. The middle-east has exploded into a non-stop frenzy of orgies and crime when it was found out that everyone was praying towards an empty and meaningless box. The situation in Asia, outside of Islamic areas has been described as “totally indifferent” because the godless Chinese are unaffected. Buddhists also maintain that their way of life has been unaffected by news that there is no god. America has entered a brutal civil war, and great tragedy has ensued. Salt Lake city is now a glass lake, and while the reasons why the Mormons nuked themselves are fully unclear, it is most likely intentional suicide, as their entire reason for living was removed over night. There are rumors of mutant Mormons roaming the Great plains apparently in search of flesh, the only survivors of the self-nuking of Utah. Their immeasurable appetite for flesh is only surpassed by the agony of surviving suicide. Truly these horrible monsters will wreak havoc whenever they reach civilized areas. Most Protestant Christians, however, refuse to believe in evidence or proof that goes against their faith, because it is a part of God’s plan. Five separate people have claimed to be the second-coming of Jesus Christ, and thousands have decided that they are in fact the Anti-Christ. Virtually every school in the nation has been shut down because of wannabe Anti-Christs going on rampages. Currently Pat Robertson’s Paramilitary Christian Warriors whom he funded through the 700 Club are in control of the nation’s Capital. More on this breaking story as it develops.

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Health Local News Obituaries Science Society

12 Year Old Overdoses on Enzyte, Commits Suicide

In what is possibly the most gruesome and terrible ad-related news in the history of the world, a young man, terribly mistaken, demasculated himself by accidentally overdosing on his father’s Enzyte. The family has asked to remain anonymous because their shame is immeasurable.The boy’s father denies ever taking Enzyte. He admits “I was just, ashamed of myself and drunk, I ordered them, and I haven’t yet again let myself reach that level of shame. I kept them, because I knew I would probably loathe myself enough to take them sometime in the near future.” He refused to submit a blood sample to the Elf Wax Times for analysis.

The boy took 5 whole shipments of Enzyte mixed into a can of beer. The carbonation and alcohol quickened the absorption of certain chemicals found in the herbal supplement which caused such an enormous rush of blood to the boys genitals that they literally burst open.

With pictures of Heath Ledger scattered around the room, and an empty bottles of pills strewn carelessly about, another sick twist to this completely Television and Movie related death reached a new depth of horror. Not only did the boy succumb to the subliminal, repetitive messages planted in his head by Enzyte, but also the suicidal tendency of his favorite actor, Heath Ledger. Toxicology reports revealed a lethal cocktail of birth-control, anti-depressants, acetaminophen, and as many as 40 Coricidin tablets were the cause of death. No legal action can be taken by Enzyte, but Heath Ledger’s corpse has been exhumed for examination.