Category: Technology

Tractor beams, microwaves, LHC, ring go stargates, and your mother’s “back massager”

Categories
Law Technology

John Oliver forces ground level narrative, reducing American privacy crisis to concern around ‘dick pics’

Edward Snowden hasn't revealed anything at all about 9/11 inside job

MOSCOW – In a sweaty interview with the infamous cyberterrorist Edward Snowden, darling satirist John Oliver refused to let Snowden iterate his basic technological explanation of how domestic spy programs, such as PRISM, violate the US Constitution. Instead, Oliver continuously interrupted Snowden, denying Americans’ ability to interpret the dialog for themselves, and said the interview MUST focus on “dick pics” in order to maintain public interest.

Oliver felt the already limited segment would not infantilize the popular mind enough, so at various points in the interview, Oliver pulls out his slick new Macbook Pro with retina display, puts it in his lap, and points it toward Snowden, directing him – like a child – to watch a selection of clips of Americans who do not know who he is.

The transition from Snowden's linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.
The transition from Snowden’s linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.

With each attempt to carry out the 18-month old, ongoing conversation about the offensive and intrusive nature of domestic spying – a feature of totalitarianism that exceeds even the worst Orwellian nightmare scenario, and has colossal implications on global markets and trade, as well as negatively affecting every tier of government from global to town-level – Oliver said, “No, no. We are talking about dick pics because that is all my dipshit audience cares about: Their sweaty, hairy schlongs.” He diverted the conversation from the Snowden cult of personality only to bring it all back to dick pics, before ending the interview with the centuries-old jokes, “Now I’m on some kind of list,” to which Snowden calmly – and after forced laughter – replied, “You’re associated.”

In Brooklyn, a group of artists who understand art but nothing of subtlety, put up a Snowden statue. A day later, when one of them said, “Look what I did, everyone!” the statue is now hilarironicallously covered by a blue tarp.

This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.
This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.

BRB: exercising my civil rights to photograph dick pics and transfer ownership to Mark Zuckerberg, as per Facebook Terms of Service.

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. If you are reading this message, we own your eyes.

Categories
News Politics Reviews Technology Trolling

Experts Reveal the Internet Chronicle is a Real Site

Suck our hammer and sickle, baby.
Suck our hammer and sickle, baby, we’re on the right side of history.

HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.

Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”

Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicle is a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.

In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”

Categories
Technology

The New Sabu: FBI says #ObamaSec informants behind Lizard Squad attack on Sony, Microsoft

LizardMafia #OFFLINE

LizardMafia #OFFLINEIn a shocking, but not unprecedented Christmas day network attack, it is difficult to determine just who, in this winter story, is the real Grinch. However, new testimony from an anonymous FBI source under the pseudonym Robert Smith suggests informants are once again behind another round of malicious attacks on corporate America, with the same goal of subjugating and disrupting yet another rogue group of well-meaning winter break hackers.

While a member of LizardMafia – or Lizard Squad as they are also known – told Microsoft their latest attack was designed to encourage better network security for their popular online gaming platform XBOX Live, and for the Sony Playstation Network, by offering free Christmas stress-tests in the form of DDoS attack, FBI communications appear to indicate they already have someone on the inside, inciting the group to stop doing things “for the lulz” and to instead take up “a real cause,” their Christmas attack being the first of more to come. The group claimed they are able to harm the world economy by disabling the NASDAQ. Smith said their informant knows the identities of core players in the group, which could be used to control the group’s behavior in the near future.

lizardmafia

Smith said the FBI calls their mole a “high ranking” decision-maker for the group, and have indicated that by changing the group’s trajectory from comic mischief to corporate sabotage, he has steered the LizardMafia right into their legal jurisdiction.

The person authorities are calling the ‘new Sabu’ belongs to ObamaSec, the elite, patriotic hacker group which claimed responsibility for the attack on North Korea’s Internet – a story whose newsworthiness was owed both to the takedown, and existence of, DPRK net infrastructure. Sabu II, Electric Boogaloo negotiated directly with Kim Dotcom, a known gamer.

kim-dotcom-DM-lizard-mafia

Kim Dotcom has announced his own heroism after allegedly buying the group off. For now, the LizardMafia has accepted a ransom of 5,000 lifetime memberships to Kim Dotcom’s new, old file sharing service, Megaupload. If the attacks return, however, their agreement with Dotcom becomes invalid, and they will no longer be able to host and share files on his premium website.

Watch DDoS attacks unfold live on http://map.ipviking.com/