CHRONICLE.SU READERS REJOICE DURING MOMENTOUS OCCASION

MOTHER RUSSIA IN PUREST GLORIOUS FORM HAS ANNOUNCED HER GOAL TO RETAKE THE BEAUTIFUL NATION OF TRANSNISTRIA, AND REPURPOSE HER ASSETS FOR WAR.

TRANSNISTRIA IS THE WORLD’S ONLY MODERN SOVIET NATION, WHOSE FLAG STILL FEATURES THE COMMUNIST HAMMER AND SICKLE. IT IS ALSO THE ONLY NATION THE NSA WANTED TO TAP 100%. FOR MORE THAN 20 YEARS, TRANSNISTRIAN CITIZENS FROTHED WITH DESIRED TO RETURN TO THE BOUNTIFUL TIT OF RUSSIA’S BOSOM. NOW IS THAT TIME.

TRANSNISTRIA GLOWS WITH UNABASHED PRIDE AS HER GREATEST ALLY RETURNS IN A SHOW OF DEVOTION TO EACH AND EVERY COMRADE WHO FOUGHT FOR FREEDOM AND WON IT IN THE YEAR 1992.

HOLD FAST, BEWILDERED WEST!

THIS IS NOT WORLD WAR III, YET. THERE IS STILL TIME FOR THAT! BUT FIRST, RUSSIA MUST REGAIN HER SOVIET DARLING, RESTORING HER PEOPLE TO GLORY ONCE AGAIN.

THE UNFINISHED BUSINESS OF TRANSNISTRIA CONFUSES A WORLD WHERE WEAK LEAD THE POWERFUL. THE OBAMA WEST CONVULSED IN A JEALOUS RAGE AS THE VALUE OF TRANSNISTRIAN KUPONS SKYROCKETS, AND STILL, THE PEOPLE OF TRANSNISTRIA PROSPER.

THE COLOSSAL TRANSNISTRIAN STEEL INDUSTRY STRETCHES TAUGHT THE FLESH OF HER BLOSSOMING TEXTILE MILLS, STRIKING BOLDLY INTO THE HEARTS OF CAPITALIST PIG-DOGS THE MARK OF MARX, THE LASH OF LENIN, THE NUMB STING OF JOSEF STALIN, AND THE VOLATILE PURPOSE OF VLADIMIR PUTIN: THE EXUBERANT LEADER OF THE NEW WORLD.

INTERNET —  As Russian forces storm into Ukraine, strained voices in both the Kremlin and the Pentagon are clamoring for a quick and easy nuclear solution.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert in ecological geopolitics, told reporters, “They’ve got their fingers on the nuclear trigger, and it’s only a matter of time. If you thought today’s climate change was bad, just wait until you see the cataclysmic nuclear winter that will instantly reverse global warming and freeze the oceans solid. This is it for the world. Radiation, minds decay.”

Dr. Troubador grew agitated when berated by reporters, shouting, “You will see Iran, North Korea, and China invade Australia, India, and perhaps parts of Africa. What parts of the world aren’t nuked into oblivion will be bloody battlefields where automated drones will gun down anything that moves.”

INTERNET — Edward Snowden’s huge cache of NSA documents seems to be doing a lot to publicize the NSA’s incredible cyberwar capabilities, spread fear and distress among would-be revolutionaries, and cast a light of truth so bright on the government that it risks eclipsing the trespasses and evils of rapidly developing internet monopolies who make the vast majority of their profits by the kind of everyday spying mischaracterized as the business of the NSA.

Thanks to Snowden, we know there must be victims of “parallel investigations.” They have been illegally imprisoned after “legal” NSA surveillance sparked their prosecution, but because it was so “legal,” this evidence was hidden from courts with the nationwide cooperation of local police. No thanks to Snowden, victims of these illegal prosecutions have no access to the necessary documents through which they could right this injustice.

If it were only a matter of an ideological or tactical stance where Snowden believed time and energy were better spent attacking the institutions rather than defending the individuals, that would be understandable. But there are other, possibly connected and troubling things to consider.

Snowden made his first and most important alliance with Glenn Greenwald, a columnist who once used Snowden’s leaks to make a soft claim that news forums on reddit with rules against opinion columns blocked his opinion as part of JTRIG forum moderator infiltration. Greenwald’s tactics failed and the reddit moderators correctly chose not to cave to Greenwald and the army of menacing trolls he is infamous for inspiring.

Greenwald was quickly co-opted, or bought out, by eBay billionaire Pierre Omidyar. The for-profit advocacy publication, The Intercept, also hired Jeremy Scahill. Scahill spoke of Omidyar’s influence as ever-present, characterizing the billionaire as the loudest voice in the room. Greenwald, however, rejected the idea that his reporting could in any way be affected by his new, shiny office that totally isn’t on the eBay campus.

Edward Snowden spoke at SXSW and even used a mobile telepresence robot to participate in a TED talk. He is a pop culture icon, savior of the day. Up there on his telepresent high horse, maybe Snowden has forgotten the task of justice. There is no doubt that he has done his fair share of proselytizing for the case of freedom, but will the NSA’s victims ever be given the documents they need to receive their freedom? And if not, how much longer can an audience put up with this kind of a ‘freedom’ circus? Shark jumping can only take freedom so far.