Just moments ago, The Sun reported Media Mogul’s body (of Chronicle.SU fame and notoriety) has been discovered after ingesting a heroic dose of palladium. Rupert Murdoch was said to believe the chemical would imbue him with the strength of a paladin IRL.
The Murdoch family is known for their hacking prowess, particularly in regards to the phone records of B-list celebrities, as they grapple for jewgold through ad revenue and extortion.
The attack by LulzSec on the media mogul’s website is retribution for Murdoch’s unfair use of my name. This was tweeted directly to me, Media Mogul on Twitter (@Hatefiend)
“I can’t believe this is happening, but it’s awesome. I love my friends at LulzSec, atopiary, Sabu and God.”
Sabu, outed this morning, faces the worst, or worse. He said he doesn’t fear extradition, but in 1908, Portugal signed the Portugal International Extradition Treaty with the United States, giving the FBI the ability to extradite a person.
Folks on Twitter have already compared Sabu to MLK, saying if he is taken out or extradited, there will be outcry. But because of extremely narrow avenues of information made possible by Twitter, Twitter users have a tendency to overestimate the education of the general public. That is to say, they think people give a damn about important issues like the freedom of information. Sadly, they don’t. And neither do we, but these stories SELL.
It was fun and games and Sabu did a great job covering his tracks, but he gave up some identifying information back in 2009 that have led people to what Sabu admits is his real fake name.
Sabu said he wanted to go out in style, wearing only a Chronicle.SU t-shirt, top hat and boxers before the media as he is pulled from his home and forced into a little prison on wheels before being carted away to a dark, isolated place from which he will never re-emerge, at least not before he turns a whole bunch of you in.
Even if Sabu is not the true leader of LulzSec & AntiSec, which has been the subject of heavy speculation here at the Chronicle.SU, we believe Sabu is a leader you can follow directly into the hands of the FBI. Because the undeniable truth is the combination of his actions and words has sparked a widespread movement toward hacking government and corporate websites, by idiots like you – the likes of which we haven’t seen since 1989, when DOE, HEPNET and SPAN (NASA) connected VMS machines world wide were penetrated by the anti-nuclear WANK worm.WANK-penetrated machines had their login screens altered to:
W O R M S A G A I N S T N U C L E A R K I L L E R S
__ ____________ _____ ________ ____ ____ __ _____/
/ / / / / | | | | | / / /
/ / / / /__ | | | | | |/ / /
/ / / / / ______ | | | | | | /
_ /__ /____/ /______ ____| |__ | |____| |_ _/
Your System Has Been Officially WANKed /
You talk of times of peace for all, and then prepare for war.
This just in: Monsanto hacked, 2,500 employees’ info released to the public.
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla.–The United States of America celebrated her total commitment to all-out, Earth-only war Friday following the final launch of the NASA Space Shuttle.
The launch, regarded as “obligatory, ceremonial hoo-ha” by U.S. Army General and designate Director of the CIA General Patreus, went off without a hitch.
Over 1 million spectators uninterestedly watched the final launch of America’s space shuttle program.
“Finally, I can stop pretending to give a shit about space,” said Gunther Reed, 43, who witnessed the final lift-off a few hundred yards away. Reed rolled his eyes as he casually threw up his hands when his children screamed maniacally during lift-off.
Analysts predict Americans will soon be forced to disregard entirely new facets of reality, lest they appear over-informed, and thus, un-American.
“I think now that space is out of the picture, I can safely stop caring about more pressing matters such as global economics,” said Dean Shelton, 48, a plant worker in one of America’s last operating factories, located in Canton, N.C.
Thousands of workers will be laid off after the shuttle returns to earth, and will not return to work because an American space program is “just pointless,” as American President Barack Obama had this to say:
“What are we going to do in space, anyway? Discover new worlds – ancient planets with more fossil fuels and rare-earth minerals than we know what to do with? Possibly make contact with multi-celled organisms in nearby star-systems? This, I feel, is no longer America’s role. That’s China’s problem now. A new more glorious dawn awaits. Not a sunrise, like a nuclear blast, but a galaxy-rise. A morning filled with 400 billion guns – the rising of enlisted gays. Iran, we’re comin’ for you. We gon’ find you. We gon’ find you.”
As the President’s speech descended into an auto-tuned mockery of tree-hugging Nature lovers, astronomy enthusiasts and Iranian nationalists, he referenced YouTube cat videos he favorited in the past, as well as the Rebecca Black cover-up – and even prank-called Sabu, supposed leader of LulzSec, connecting him to a three-way conference call with incumbent Leader and Guide of the Revolution of Libya Muammar Gaddafi.
Obama reportedly facilitated the purchase of five Farmhouse Bread sandwiches from the mysterious hacker and arranged an exchange in the order of millions of bitcoins for rare access to Interpol’s collection of bomb recipes and child pornography to Gaddafi in a move political analysts described as “gut-wrenching, tactless and having absolutely nothing at all to do with the space launch.”
The Associated Press reported it will be at least three years – possibly five or more – before astronauts are launched again from U.S. soil. But only on the technicality that NASA’s funding is to be concentrated on turning people into projectile explosives which can be fired inconspicuously as fleshy missiles, undetectable by radar with the potential to inflict unprecedented destruction on important military targets in mainland China.
Former NASA Administrator Michael Griffin lamented the loss of America’s leadership in space. “For us to abandon that in favor of nothing is a mistake of strategic proportions,” he said.
But war is more important, which is why it has become USA’s number one export – because what impetus for space travel is there when we haven’t even poisoned Earth yet with global thermonuclear war?
“Space is for the elite,” said President Obama. “The American elite. And one fine day, we’ll take off again. The richest and the wealthiest people on Earth will someday board a glorious Generation Ship to Proxima Centauri, soon after we destroy this beautifully marbled rarity perched in the vast dark ocean of infinity. And we’ll leave your asses in the dust, conquering and destroying new worlds while you rot here, in this Hell we are creating for you each and every day, one war at a time.”
“I’m a little bit sad about it and a little bit wistful,” said Jennifer Cardwell, 38, who came with her husband, John, and two young sons from Fairhope, Ala. “I’ve grown up ignoring the space program, and now I have to find something new to stop giving a fuck about.”
The outlook is bleak, but with only war, low wages and receding global influence to think about, a random survey of Americans indicates citizens may feel obligated to double up on their reality TV shows and high fructose corn syrup products to remain as apathetic as they once were before the decline of NASA’s space shuttle program.
The next five years will see an influx of orange people with gelled hair and inferiority complexes, as well as phenomenons in the 24-hour news cycle in which viewership will become inversely proportional to the usefulness of CNN, Headline News and MSNBC.