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Surfin' USA

Our right to privacy extends only as far as our ability to protect it since technological advancement and the government have joined hands against us. The right to privacy will be as void for humanity as the right to a fair trial was to the Guantanamo Bay detainees. We’re basically doomed to an existence carried out under the filtration of the all-seeing eyes behind the various agencies every ISP node is fed into via the NSA supercomputer. All information is monitored, all the time, regardless of how you choose to protect your ‘physical data’. This is not just possible. It is more than probable, considering the unsupervised structure of our the internet everyone knows and understands (or doesn’t understand) today. No one escapes it

Until now!

Now introducing, from ElfWax Research & Labratories, the Modern-Day Information Doomwave SURFIN’ SET!

Our set includes:

  • -1 supersurfin’ keyboard that uses lasers instead of keys. Now you can surf the net like the 1337 hack proz0r5 do – with an unwarranted sense of entitlement. Act as though you’re experienced by dealing with something sensitive like key information by using equipment which can’t be fingerprinted. Catch the wave AND get away with it!*
  • -A Hand-Held Hate Speaker with a backlit clock. This 4-inch radio is armed with 400+ hours of recorded religious lecture by various extremist groups and terrorits. Also, hear the Beach Boys as you’ve never heard them before!
  • -1 vacuum-packed hard drive containing a super computer virus that actually turns your computer’s insides into liquid shit. Using TNTech brand research and advancements in pyrotechnics technology, you can ensure that all data within a 24-block radius is destroyed permanently with a high-profile electromagnetic pulse emitted by forcing a power surge through your home’s own electrical system.**
  • -A single-use flash-drive bullet which can be safely (but assertively) put to your throat and discharged using a GUI (graphical user interface) to send a digital signal to the USB drive, which plunges the hot metal deep into your brain stem. When uncle sam is listening to your muffled cries through your LAN connection AND from outside the door to your back porch, let them know you just went out in style, the American way!***

*You will not get away with it
**subsequent chemotherapy bills are the sole responsibility of the consumer, but it doesn’t matter anyway because your ass belongs to Uncle Sam (oh shit they control the after-life, too!) now get down on your knees and pray for the Sun God to blow up the Sun.
***All of our bullets are made in China and may not contain actual lead or any other hard material, and may dissolve in humidity, becoming a mild toxin poisonous to infants.

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Study: Olympic Torch Relay Completely Unrelated to Tibet-China Conflict

PALO ALTO, CA–Amidst recent protests disrupting the Olympic Torch Relay throughout several countries, a recent study conducted by the Logical Institute of Thought, or LIT, in Palo Alto has concluded that in no point in the modern Olympic Games’ 112-year history has the worldly tradition of relaying the ignited Olympic torch ever interfered or influenced any portion or outcome of the meaningless Tibetan struggle for whatever it is they want.

Though the running of the Olympic Torch is a long-standing tradition that has significant meaning to many individuals, expert scientists at the LIT have stated that in no way does the torch or its flame have any power to end any conflicts whatsoever, especially those between conflicting nations.

In a press release yesterday, Steve Zillwiger, head of research at the LIT, stated “It is completely [depletive exleted] ridiculous that anyone in their right mind would think that by extinguishing a small symbolic flame, they can solve all of a country’s problems, especially a small irrelevant country like Tibet. What’s next, standing in front of army tanks? ” Zillwiger was also heard muttering, “If whining was an Olympic sport, these [protesters] would undoubtedly take home the gold.”

On Tuesday in San Francisco, a city nowhere even remotely close to Tibet, the Olympic Torch was met with many protesters, some whom even climbed the Golden Gate Bridge to beg for attention. San Francisco native, Danny McDermott, 25, commented, “Yeah, ever since Full House ended, it’s like people feel the need to draw as much attention possible to themselves, whether it be drum circles, not showering, hacky-sacking, playing acoustic guitars in public places, or driving Hybrid [vehicles]. Also they seem to like the number two a lot.” McDermott then raised two fingers in a V-like shape. He also added, “It’s actually a lot like Africa when you think about it, but instead of food, people here are starved for attention.”
UPDATE: In an Elf Waxclusive news story, the EWT has just uncovered information that the Olympic Ceremonies in Beijing have been cancelled and instead been moved to the safer and more neutral location of the Gaza Strip. Sources say this move is for the better and should finally “shut up those wannabe-Tibetan whiners.” Resultingly, the Olympic Committee has already been praised for their swift yet effective thinking.

You heard it here first!