Late Thursday, Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church had his eyes clawed out by Michele Bachmann. Plans for his funeral have been made, but talk of protests are already spreading. As the man who pioneered funeral protest as a form of free speech, much celebration is expected. Veteran’s advocacy groups have already begun organizing a demonstration for Fred Phelps’ funeral.
“I plan on grilling up some steaks, drinking a few beers, waving some hateful signs, and just generally having a good time at this funeral,” commented one veteran, as he waved his bus ticket at our reporters. “I’ve been ready for this shit for years!”
Bachmann’s lawyers have stated the deadly conflict started as a simple biblical dispute. Phelps believed that God hates all fags unconditionally, whereas Bachmann pushed the idea that God only despised fags who haven’t sought forgiveness for their faggotry. What seemed to onlookers as a bitter sexual assault from Bachmann quickly turned deadly for Phelps.
Fred Phelps’ daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, has moved forward plans to protest the protest of her father’s funeral, stating “I should have seen this faggotry coming. Typical faggot move. By the way, Anonymous is a bunch of faggots.” Anonymous was reached, and not a single fuck was given.
Our prophets have reached God Almighty, on high, as he watches these events from outside of time and space. Although his grace is impossible to translate into our infinitely inexpressive language, our prophets have made their best attempt.
“I’m glad Bachmann tore that old man’s eyes out, but he was right about one thing. I hate faggotry. Bachmann and Phelps are both faggots. America’s forgotten what I did to Sodom and Gomorrah. The bible was mostly made up by a bunch of faggots who I hate, and if it’s interpreted as anything but a hateful document, it leads to this kind of bullshit. I am God and I hate faggots like Fred Phelps.”
RENTON, Wash. — Cartoons depicting corrupt behavior of the Renton City Police Department have sparked a criminal investigation and scandal among locals. However, Chief of Police Kevin Milosevich has called off all official investigations, opting instead for guidance from McCarthy-era Secret Police.
Snitches close to Milosevich indicate the Chief altered his strategy because of a surge in public sympathy for the anonymous cartoonist, known only as Mr. FiddleSticks.
Milosevich’s close friend and spiritual adviser Lorraine McWorth told sources the Police Chief was desperately attempting to underplay the negative image of wildly corrupt law enforcement while simultaneously embracing its proven effectiveness.
“He’s taking a Gestapo-like approach to the investigation, now. Threatening phone calls, letter-bombs and kidnappings are sure to get his point across where traditional methods were failing. When he gets his guy, no one will ever know. Mr. Fiddlesticks will just disappear.”
This is just a friendly reminder that if United States President Barack Hussein Obama happens to be reelected, this is why.
Osama bin Laden died as a martyr, but not his way. Bin Laden died at the hands of Seal Team Six in the name of everything he ever hated. Incidentally, he died to propagate that which Americans also hate.
In mid-July, world renowned economist Nouriel Roubini sat down with Chronicle.SU’s Anton OyVey for a fireside chat at Bohemian Grove 2011. They discussed the next 18 months of world events, including the Debt Crisis and stock market crash. Much of the discussion was deemed “off the record” by Nouriel, but after a little arm twisting he agreed to sign off on the release of the following excerpt.
Anton: Thanks for the rim job earlier in Kissinger’s tent.
Nouriel: It was my pleasure. Great to share life, love and good wine with you again.
Anton: Stop it.
Nouriel: Did you see what Mohamed A. El-Erian got me?
Anton: Yes and that’s not where it was meant to be inserted.
Anton: Seriously tho… I want to talk a little bit about the next year in world events. Word around the Grove is the Debt Crisis is going to be center stage and you are going to be a busy bee over the next year. Is Doctor Doom about to go viral again?
Nouriel: Let’s just say my calendar is booked solid for the next 18 months, but I will still make time for good wine and cheap women.
Anton: Ben Bernanke’s cabana boy told me that Quantitative Easing Three (QE3) is on it’s way and you are going to be a big proponent again. Do you really believe QE3 will be effective in stimulating growth or should the Federal Reserve be taking another approach?
Nouriel: Economic growth in the US and most developed economies is anaemic at best. Measures of inflation, both core and headline, are below the implicit and explicit targets of the Federal Reserve. The scenario has been and will always be low growth, low inflation and an unemployment rate close to 10 per cent. If you run the numbers, you get that the Fed Funds rate should be around minus 5 percent, but nominal policy rates have a zero lower bound.
Quantitative Easing by the US and other governments has been increasing liquidity to effectively push the real policy rate below zero. Some $600bn of additional liquidity in QE2 was the equivalent of a reduction of about 50-60 basis points in the FFR. When Ben Bernanke says this is just a variant of traditional monetary policy, I think that is correct, even if unconventional. But we both know how Ben likes to stay on top of things…
Nouriel: I love good wine.
Anton: There’s been a healthy buzz at the Grove about next month’s market crash. Is now a good time to short equities?
Nouriel: Absolutely. The Dow Jones will drop over nine thousand points over the course of several months, starting in August. As you know, global investors have concluded that Obama will only be a one term president and have shifted resources to the GOP. No surprise about Governor Perry. He has an amazing dimple on his ass by the way.
Anton: You are such a pervert.
Nouriel: I can afford to be. I’m Doctor Doom damn it! (grabs wine bottle) More wine?
Anton: No thanks. So what kind of recovery can we expect?
Nouriel: We are looking at an unprecedented recovery pattern. I initially thought we were looking at a “U” shape recovery. After further analysis, it seemed a “W” recovering was in order. But not so fast. The Eurozone and Asian markets have a lot of say in this too. That’s why I’m predicting a “WVW” reccovery. That’s a quintuple dip recession for those scoring at home. More wine?
Anton: No. I’m not drinking.
Nouriel: I told Charlie Rose I’d meet him in Donald Sutherland’s tent in 5 minutes. You coming?
#OpFacebook, a concocted Anonymous operation which threatens to bring down Facebook, has drawn the anger of uptight and gullible Facebook users everywhere. This threat is reminiscent of those placed against Westboro Baptist this February. It appears this is yet another infiltration psy-op from th3j35t3r.
By manufacturing false operations like these, th3j35t3r undermines Anonymous and forces ever-increasing divergence from the core ideal of Anonymity. If anyone can be Anonymous, certainly those who want to destroy Anonymous will also use the name to cleverly lead the collective towards destruction. This forces leaderfags and namefags to chastise these “fake” operations in order to keep Anonymous “on track”.
However, baseless threats intended to incite fear are business as usual for Anonymous. The news media has picked up on #OpFacebook because it fits the pattern of aimless vitriol which is a benchmark of past Anonymous operations. Yet Anonymous has no one to blame but themselves. #OpFacebook is just so easy to believe.
SAN QUENTIN, Calif. — More than one thousand inmates escaped from their prison cells across the United States Wednesday following the release of a volatile computer bug used mainly in the hijacking of nuclear weapons control systems.
Last week at Defcon, the hacker conference, a technological flaw in prison security software was discreetly showcased before a handful of onlookers, provided spectators promised not to say anything about it.
The massive breakout occurred just before 3 a.m. Pacific Standard Time. Latest reports say 1,233 of the more than 5,000 prisoners awoke to their cell doors opening. Usually that means breakfast, but guards were nowhere to be seen. All but two fled and only seven were captured alive. Many were fatally wounded.
CITIZENS: LOCK YOUR DOORS. BE ADVISED: The cell blocks affected by Wednesday’s hack housed only inmates serving sentences in excess of 25 years. In other words, there are violent criminals roaming the streets of Southern California, as usual.
These include more than 1,000 convicted murderers, rapists, gang members, blacks, and worst of all, Mexicans likely inhabiting the barren lawless California desert of San Quentin. If anyone in an orange numbered jumpsuit ask you for a ride, just say no, unless you think he looks legit.
San Quentin State Prison Warden Mike Martel said, “Sure, we might lose a few prisoners, but those .commies will fill their places. I fucking hate kids, and their damn computers. So when are we doing this interview?”
One prisoner who escaped by way of the hacked beta version of the hack-in-progress said he is grateful for the efforts put forth by anonymous computer hackers, “whatever the fuck that means.”
Many dozens of prisoners scrambled over top of each other just to get through the open doors. Video surveillance tapes played back scenes of utter chaos as a herd of inmates bottlenecked, taking gunfire at the open bay doors near the front of San Quentin State Prison.
Scooter McLintock, 39, is serving two life sentences for the 1997 rape and murder of his two elderly South Beach neighbors. McLintock – along with many others – opted to take their chances and bum rushed the open front doors to the prison, where outside, freedom awaited survivors.
“We was thinkin’: what if we jus all rush out dat door at once, ya know? The guards can shoot at us, but they can’t kill us all. They ain’t kill me. But I had this big nigger on top a me get shot an’ he was screamin’ like a lil’ bitch. Like a scared little bitch wit blood squirtin’ out his mouf an’ shit.”
Famous Unknown People
Last year, a cyber worm known as Stuxnet disabled Iran’s nuclear centrifuges, slowing or possibly crippling their once-thriving nuclear weapons program. The Stuxnet worm is still considered the most sophisticated cyberweapon ever made. It disabled the centrifuges by attacking a “programmable logic controller,” which is the same type of computer used, ironically, in America’s prisons.
Martel explained why they use such sophisticated, yet flawed technology in San Quentin’s holding facilities. “In America, prisoners are considered a commodity where prisons are privately operated. That’s why we treat them with the same level of protection as Iran treats its controversial nuclear program. Because we care. About money.”
David Blanche of Lebal Drocer Correctional Authority said the most recent outbreak is the largest in world history, and authorities are actively searching for someone to blame. Critics of hacker culture point at Defcon for condoning cybercrime, but “mainly because they are older, they still blame MTV.”
A group of unidentified and highly-skilled hackers – not to be mistaken with the club of misfits going by “Anonymous” – bought a programmable logic controller for testing purposes. Such computers are commercially available for less than $2,500.
Within days of testing, hackers achieved success by way of a simulated attack on their own machines using their newly developed cyberbug.
Chronicle.SU editor and Anonymous insider Kilgore Trout abused his anonymous credentials and dug into their possible involvement. Once again, his skepticism proved itself.
You read it here, folks: Sabu has openly admitted to orchestrating the Antisec cybercrime of the century.
While talking with Sabu in a private IRC, Trout bragged about the completion of his latest cyberbug. Because all anons care about how cool people think their fake online identity is, Sabu’s inner anonfag came crawling out to bite the hook. He said, “That’s one hell of a bug, but guess who just released a bug into San Quentin State Prison?”
Sabu instructed Trout to “Keep it on the dl bro,” but the Chronicle.SU is not some pussy collective that respects the meaning of ‘off the record.’ “I’m not trying to get v&,” Sabu pleaded. But Trout said, “Tough shit.”
The bottomless compulsion to achieve notoriety based on a seemingly endless stream of pointless, shitty attacks caused many in the hacker community to doubt whether the world may ever again blame Anonymous for anything outside of ruining an online forum. But Sabu came through.
While anons and fanboys fapped mercilessly upon their prepubescent penises with thoughts running through their heads of meth lab informants being hunted down and killed after mass d0xing of police contacts, more people are now being raped and killed – this time because of criminals they helped free from prison.
The Final Solution
Prison guard Antonio Rueda, 43, responded with force to the security breach. He said they tried to preserve lives, but then were just like, fuck it. “Following the ineffective use of non-lethal bullets and pepper spray,” Rueda said, “we resorted to rifle fire and rape sticks. Still, some escaped and we’re really kicking ourselves for failing to run autoupdate on Windows XP Home Edition.”
After news of the breakout went public, prison technicians around the globe began looking into alternative security measures and solutions that couldn’t be so easily hacked.
“We’re going to take a look at our router settings, make sure NAT’s turned off. That’s probably the issue.”
This breaking coverage was brought to you graciously by your friends here at Lebal Drocer, Inc. We are pleased to announce the Grand Opening of our Megajail™ next week. It will feature brand new locking mechanisms designed using the latest in Iranian lockdown technology, operated directly by the mind of dead Lebal Drocer president, Raleigh Theodore Sakers. Megajail™ reminds you, once you’re in, you’re in. We own everything that matters, and now jails.
(disclaimer: Lebal Drocer, Inc., is not responsible for limbs lost by closing cell doors. The system is fully automated, as is our transcendental President’s brain, and the prisoners must learn to adhere to the times doors open and shut.)
Washington — Newsweek magazine published an article Tuesday featuring on the cover well known Presidential candidate hopeful Michele Bachmann, enraged wife of homosexual Marcus Bachmann.
What is also well known about Bachmann is that bitch is crazy, but Newsweek was able to capture the crazy like none before them.
Her eyes pierce the atheist inside of us all, even the Christians, as they seem to embody Beelzubub himself. Sounds like the Chronicle just trying to be funny right? Look for yourself, and leave a comment as to what you think the stare means. [Be sure to tell them the Chronicle.SU sent you unthinking drones to express our enlightened opinion!]
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, the eyes are not her only disturbing feature. Her main selling point is the unsettling smile that appears to have been shot onto her face by a high-powered shotgun and seems to say, “I’m smiling because I need your votes, love me America!” To ice this cake of awesomeness and further troll Republican candidate hopeful Bachmann, Newsweek titled her article “Queen of Rage.”
Some critics, including the prestigious and well-respected National Organization for Women refer to the picture as sexist – saying it’s either too feminine, or not feminine enough. Now I can’t quite put my finger on what the lesbian club means by “sexist.” It’s a headshot for Christ’s science’s sake. According to the lesbians, however, they used a complicated scientific procedure to assure accuracy simple test to draw such a rash conclusion: ‘would they do the same to a man?’
Terry O’neil, President of the Lesbians and overly loud spokeswoman asked, “Who has ever called a man the king of rage?” Good question, right? Wrong. Calling a man King of anything is not only true, but threatens to boost his ego to Kanye West proportions. Yo Neil, Ima let you finish but your argument is busted.
O’neil continued – for some reason – adding, “The ‘Queen of Rage’ is something you apply to wrestlers or someone who is crazy…” Well Miss O’neil, Michele Bachmann is crazy, and a wrestler at that. Her husband is crazy as well. Fabulously crazy. Anything else, sugartits? Of course! Women love to talk.
The lesbian just kept on bitching. “Good women will not run for office if Newsweek magazine can do this to such a prominent politician and get away with it,” she complained. Ah, the world may end if no women run for office, you have a point. Without women, our political system would get nothing accomplished.
Important figureheads would have nobody to file their paperwork, no one to scream at or belittle in the presence of foreign dignitaries – and without immediate relief in the form of blowjobs, who knows what ill fate might possibly befall this great nation?
Other conversative critics, such as FOX news and Andrew Brietbart, are blasting Newsweek for their supposedly negative portrayal of Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann, stating Newsweek has been bashing convervatives for years.
But Newsweek’s editors shot back in a press statement that read:
“You spend all this money and time making people famous first, before you even realize how fucking stupid they are. And then when the world begins to realize they’re diabolically insane, you blame the media for how they look. Mother of God. You should have seen her before we Photoshopped that cover page. Over half of our graphic design team is still out on sick leave. Also: seriously, lesbians?”
Saturday, AntiSec released personal e-mails from 77 different law enforcement web sites with the explicit purpose of revealing corruption and criminal behavior. We spent hours combing through this mountain of notably unimportant information and are entirely disappointed that it was even released at all.
Not only did AntiSec fail to uncover anything of value, but it publicized images of a 13 year old girl in a bikini. Although the girl in question published these photographs herself via Facebook, the importance of their presence in Chief Mayfield’s e-mail inbox is completely dependent on context, and the context is missing. As the only real article of interest, Anonymous gladly embraced this concocted “JailBait scandal” because it justified their illegal actions and gave them a sense of self-importance. In reality, there was nothing of value in this e-mail dump. Surprise, surprise. Cops don’t discuss their illegal behavior in e-mails.
Having said all that, I understand the power of a symbol. I don’t think AntiSec necessarily needs to justify every single action by unearthing scandalous proof of criminal behavior. Yet I still find there’s quite a bit left to be desired. What I’m about to state may shatter all your preconceived notions, but I really mean it. In every way, LulzSec was a more effective form of hacktivism than AntiSec will ever be.
Recent AntiSec press releases suffer from a severe case of self-importance. By hacking and releasing police e-mails, AntiSec appears to believe they are waving a magic wand which will cure law enforcement of corruption. Not only do these dumps lack context, as is the case with the JailBait scandal, but they also lack basic fact-checking and corroboration. There is absolutely no effort put into confirming the information presented as fact or fiction. There is a growing possibility that governments may plant disinformation on their own servers simply to discredit hacktivists.
As for the recent defacement of Syrian government web servers, I’m even less impressed. In the same way that invading Iraq was damaging and polarizing for liberty in the region, attacking Syria’s internet infrastructure is also counterproductive. Such symbolic support need not rest upon such a threatening attack, even if it is entirely nonviolent in nature.
However, I have great praise for LulzSec because of their conscious effort to utilize the power of a symbol. Unlike the self-important AntiSec, LulzSec did not overplay the importance of what they hacked. AntiSec seems to believe hacking will be a kind of cure-all for social injustice, criminal behavior and corruption. Such grandiose and delusional statements sell on the Anonymous marketplace, but they don’t translate to a wider audience.
LulzSec never promised to deliver any goods. LulzSec delivered symbols representing the incompetence and fallacy of authority. I might be biased, but a fake news story posted on a prominent news site is a lot more palatable than, say, telling the world you don’t care about the safety of police informants. AntiSec promises to find criminal behavior, but only delivers their own. Not only that, but they utterly fail to achieve the kind of symbolic triumph that was the reason for the success of LulzSec.
The price of freedom reached an all time high this week as cargo planes carrying food to the famine-stricken regions of Africa were attacked by rebels without a cause. Like the looters in London, these rebels acted out of greed, as African Rebels often do when gang-raping villagers. These freedom fighters then held a feast in celebration of all the food they liberated.
In the midst of famine, war, riots, and hatred, the internet is primarily worried about Facebook statuses and Twitter follows. Governments everywhere are violently thrusting invisible dildos into our sphincters, and the citizenry is powerless to defy their false genitalia.
But what can I do to help?
First, tighten your bums, it’s about to get interesting. Anonymous, as they like to be called, is in the process of “the plan,” a very ambiguous, elusive concept which will be a magical solution to all future dildo problems. But as it is Anonymous, nothing will be accomplished other than a few teenagers getting V&. There’s not even really a plan past that.
So Anonymous is the usual failure. What’s else can I do?
Anders Breivik had an idea, but let’s not go there. Too much writing and bomb-making. Yet we all know peaceful protest is a waste of time, and riots only help until the tanks roll through, crushing anyone in their way. We’ve thinned our options a bit. Perhaps the only solution, dare I say, the “final solution,” may be combining all forms of protest at once. Murder with peace, riot with blogging. A perfectly synchronized attack of peace and hate. This will obviously require Casio watches.
Maybe the “final solution” will be just as much of a fail as #opsony, who can say? A wise man once said, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” He also said, “if it’s broke, fix it.” That second quote is much less famous, but it shouldn’t be. It’s really quite good.
My point, dear reader, is that our ways of standing up and exercising our voice are rapidly being disallowed. We can’t kill people. We can’t even burn copper’s cars in the streets. So join me in the new protest, peaceful hate pain time. We will excecute PHPT sometime in November, the 5th actually, because we want to steal the small press Anonymous will get for the sure disgrace of #opfacebook.
Editor’s note: Chronicle.SU does not endorse Peaceful Hate Pain Time, violence, or any kind of fake internet activism.
British television program Top Gear is under fire after staging yet another hilarious electric car malfunction. Despite the nature of these humorous works of fiction, electric automobile manufacturers are not laughing. Top Gear is already facing litigation from Tesla motors for their depiction of Tesla’s all-electric roadster. New controversy over a segment on the Nissan LEAF has ignited yet more fury in those who believe everything they see on Top Gear.
As it turns out, the Nissan LEAF spied on Jeremy Clarkson, reporting his GPS position, battery levels, and voice stress analysis to Nissan headquarters. A lie detecting algorithm was tripped, and Nissan’s robotic lawyers were pulled out of cryogenic storage. British news publications have been paid under the table by Nissan to report on this story and instructed to ignore the proper context. For whatever reason, they think they can convince people Top Gear isn’t a bunch of jokers who have to lie if they want to please their audience.
“Nissan has a monitoring device in the car which transmits information on the state of the battery. This shows that, while the company delivered the car to Top Gear fully charged, the programme-makers ran the battery down before Clarkson and May set off, until only 40% of the charge was left.” ~ George Monbiot (The Guardian)
For whatever inexplicable and insane reason, the fictional nature of many Top Gear segments is more outrageous than the horrifying fact that Nissan will tattle on anyone who uses their cars. Any future owners of the Nissan LEAF should be forewarned: This is not the car for an affair.
In related news, Top Gear is also facing anger from annoying tightwads due to praise from Norway mass-murderer Anders Breivik. In Norway, angry citizens have demanded that Top Gear be banned from television.
“Jeremy Clarkson heads the program Top Gear at the BBC, one of the funniest shows on TV. Since it has absolutely nothing to do with politics or religion, only with cars, it is one of the very few programmes at the Burka Broadcasting Corporation still worth seeing.” ~ Anders Brievik (Justiciar Knight and Martyr for Christendom)