Humanity brought to its knees, there’s never been a better time to invest

Iranian warship transits the Suez canal
Iranian warship transits the Suez canal to fuck with Israel and Syria like it's nothing.

IRAN GEARED UP FOR WAR

INJECTS TWO WARSHIPS

“Hate filled radiation bombs dropped on the fields below burned all the people alive in their homes, like pathetic voles,” said Vice Chairman of Radiation Bombs Senior Palmer, head of AT&T.

For Israel to bring the hatebombing against Iran, “there’s got to be at least 100” fighter jets in the sky, refueling mid-air during their thousand mile journey. “That way you kill the most innocents,” Palmer added. Lockheed Martin’s written all over this shit. Halliburton? Where are you.

Analysts predict the Israeli fuckstorm over nuke country could have “deep, long-lasting effects” on the region. Dr. Felix Clayborn of the Chronicle Institute of Hatenology said the rocket fire could theoretically be seen from the moon, “which is pretty fucking awesome.”

Meanwhile, South Korea carried forward with a military exercise punishable by North Korean military action. North Korea recently exploded a nuclear bomb underground with which inside sources say Kim Jong Un is preparing to rape the world “like a big radioactive dildo.”

Financial analysts have predicted unprecedented spikes in gas prices. “It’s going to fuck us for a long time,” lamented Clayborn, who is not an authority on the subject.

Lebal Drocer Space Technologies spokesman Raleigh T. Sakers said the fallout after global thermonuclear war is going to suck pretty bad.

“Human life on earth could be eradicated as early as Fall 2014,” prophesied Sakers. He also said gold will never cost nothing, adding that it will always be worth something. “There’s never been a better time to invest,” he explained.

Call 1-800-GOLD-HORD and ask how to put a lien on your firstborn child to gain access to hot new premium membership options. 1-800-GOLD-HORD

Andrew Breitbart rape victim speaks out

INTERNET- Andrew Breitbart’s recent tirade at an Occupy event drew sharp criticism from feminists who found his repeated accusations of rape profoundly distasteful. In the video, which has gone viral, Breitbart repeatedly called the protesters freaks, animals, rapists, and demanded that the Occupiers learn to behave.

Friday, an anonymous source contacted Internet Chronicle staff and made a shocking revelation about an incident decades ago in which she claims Breitbart technically raped her. The source stated the incident was more of an alcohol-fueled “soft rape,” which she simply didn’t remember. “I woke up after a night of drinking with Breitbart only to find my tampon jammed uncomfortably deep and soaked with semen.”

This event was very difficult for our source to retell, and the emotional damage Andrew Breitbart’s rape did to this poor woman must have been life-shattering. “Breitbart has been in my nightmares ever since the rape night. My life has never been the same, and I have grown to fear all men, and I constantly imagine them raping me, with Andrew Breitbart’s reddened, angry face hovering over me.”

Breitbart has avoided a slander suit probably because it’s not illegal to spread lies about vast swathes of people who are only united by ideas. Our anonymous rape victim said, in an all-too-perfect conclusion to this article, “It’s like, he’s going around calling this group of people all rapists, which is totally unfair, and I mean, years ago this man raped me and my whole life was ruined. I had to finally face my fears, because I just want people to know what kind of a man is accusing the Occupy movement of mass-rape.”

Akon Invincible

Dearest Akon Invincible, my dark African prince and life mentor,

It has come to my attention that Chronicles SU is spreading contaminated lies, may your soul rest in perfect peace. Certainly, you may never die. Your fan, Odusanya Babafemi, posted a supportive message for you, “una de ment for una head una no they think before una go open that una smelling mouth dey talk rubbish, e bi like say they establish this site from sudan because hey just they give us lie wey no get life at all as una lie baba god don vex for the rubbish wey una right his night.” The community of the internet agrees Chronicles SU should be abolished.

Your fans are glad you are alive, although there are still hundreds of villages in Africa that have not been informed that the news of your death was actually just a hoax. Akon Invincible African Prince, we are writing you to request funds to spread the message that you have returned from the dead to these remote villages. We need several million dollars to ensure that the message reaches each and every person affected by this hoax. We also hope to spread the gift of your music by setting up solar panels and distributing MP3 players preloaded with nothing but music from Konvict records.

We your fans are completely devoted to the future well-being of your top singing career, oh Jewel of Africa

With much love and gratitude,

Henry Bekoe

May the almighty guide you and protect your family.

jimbo blammo

Obama and the Occupy movement are BLT crisis deniers:

Occupywallstreets list of demands do not mention “lettuce”, “bacon substitute aka bacon bits!TM” or “grilled cheese sandwiches” because of geo’s required “BANK FUNDED AND CORPORATE RUN ICE CREAM SANDWICH TRADING STOCK MARKETS RULED BY POLITICIANS/SHAPE SHIFTING TINA TURNER taxing the pisscrust we breathe. Occupy is the leading edge of beingabumivism so get ahead of the curve of these remaining civil war reenactors. History is laughing at/with you.

Obama aka sando randyman  is a  BLTcrisis denier too because he hasn’t said anything about a BLT crisis in a state of the union address since 2009.

Here is proof that  BLT crisis is not a crisis since it was exaggerated; as the world walked away from cigarsex mitigation after 26 years of the scientists warning us of said cigarsex, the millions of people involved in the global scientific macaroni and cheese and the thousands of scientists don’t ACT like it’s a BLT. If it were a BLT, they would be the ones marching in the streets against the BLT crisis, not the dozens of spicy spices change protesters we see now. Deny that you Zesty grammas

The new denier is anyone who still thinks BLT crisis will be anything other than a joke for history to laugh at. We were modern day witch burners.

Microstorms on Poor Mountain

Wind Turbines can catch fire and kill all the ULTRA RARE piratebush found ONLY on Poor Mountain

I knew Old Man Charlie from the days of my youth on Poor Mountain. That old man mostly kept to himself, but when I’d see him walking around on the mountain, he’d talk my ear off. Charlie told a lot of stories, but the ones that always got him worked up the most were the stories of what he called “dem saclones.” Charlie spent a lot of time walking the ridge of Poor Mountain, just to pass the time, but I always liked to ask him about dem saclones.

From what the old man told me, I gathered that he had been experiencing some kind of ultra-rare meteorological phenomenon that may be unique to Poor Mountain. It’s hard for me to go into any detail, but Charlie described clouds quickly forming very close to the ground, twisting like a cyclone. Within the course of a few minutes, an extremely small area would be pelted with up to quarter-sized hail. Sometimes the hail would be smaller, and the affected area could be as large as a house or as small as a frisbee.

Honestly, I never believed that old man. After he died, I wondered a little about Charlie’s stories and eventually researched some information on the internet. I learned that it’s possible “dem saclones” were also called Microstorms. No one on the internet seemed to have seen these vicious kind of tornadic hail Microstorms, and I tried contacting a few meteorologists. None of them seemed to believe the stories from Charlie, and just said that Microstorms were not proven science. However, Poor Mountain surely has great importance as a possible meteorological oddity.

Poor Mountain is located in Roanoke, Virginia, and is currently under threat of industrial development for wind power. Help us, Anonymous. Hack our government into submission for Old Man Charlie and his crazy cyclones. They’re probably real, and when those wind turbines go up, the Microstorms may disappear forever. Have you ever seen what happens when a wind turbine gets pelted with an intense cyclone full of quarter-size hail? Mayhem. Pure mayhem is coming to Poor Mountain if this wind farm is approved. STOP THEM NOW.

 

Fanfiction: Righteous Indignation – Excuse Me While I Rape The World!

An Andrew Breitbart fanfiction

“No, Mr. Breitbart. Please!”Victim of Andrew Breitbart

Andrew Breitbart’s stringy gray hair was greased back with sweat as he loomed over a child, heaving and groaning. In his shadow, the small boy covered his naked shame with both hands and fixed his eyes on the wall, where a picture of Jesus was hung. He was supposed to meet a star.

Through blurry tears, the fresh boy pleaded silently into a haze of pastel colors, bargaining with the figure in a helpless bid to take away the blinding pain he knew was coming again, and again. The picture, slightly a shift, just stared back.

“Please,” he mewed. “Don’t.”

Breitbart reached under his well-fed and sagging One Percent gut where he fished around in an area of fat – barely distinguishable as a human crotch – to release his flaccid member from an outcropping of silvery pubic hair, and he peed on the child. Neither said a word.

Breitbart wiped coke from his mustache, then lost his balance, collapsing into sturdy hotel furniture, driving a chair into the wall with a thud and a smoker’s cough. He quickly regained his composure, squinting to combat double vision toward the bed where a guest with backstage passes cowered palely in the fetal position. Across the floral pattern of a posh Hilton comforter, the child seemed a rare delicacy served up on a platter of foliage among which he was the flower.

“Spread ‘em,” commanded Breitbart through the darkness. “Roll over, and spread.”

The boy looked about seven, or maybe nine. His dad was a staunch supporter of the Second Amendment and admired Breitbart’s throbbing tirades against the Fourth Estate, who just lie to propagate the Jewish agenda. “Nothing but the best for my boy! Let him spend an afternoon with a real American hero, and see what a modern businessman does.” This was nothing new. The man was secretly afraid his son might be “turning into a faggot,” so he once bought him passes to the New York Giants locker room after their 2012 victory against the Patriots.

The boy rolled over and, with uncomfortable familiarity, did as he was told.

“Mm, good,” burped Breitbart, pumping his limp genitalia. “Now what does Daddy say about Reagan? You know the presidents, boy?”

“Reagan was a good president!” he recited tremulously.

“He was the best!” roared the conservative orator. “He won the fucking Cold War. He beat the Commies!” Breitbart was now sporting a self-supporting second stage erection, which he aimed at the child. But the young boy had not proven his loyalty to Reagan well enough to satisfy Breitbart.

“You like Star Wars?” Breitbart cajoled the child who still lay submissively on the bed. “Like the movies?”

“I like Jar Jar,” he said in a lighter tone. His muscles relaxed as the TV star and author appealed to his love for science fiction.

“Yeah, Ronald Reagan knew Star Wars. And with it, he scared those rubes into submission!” Breitbart pulsated, allowing a single drop of conviction to seep out, forming a clear bead. “Thanks to Ronald Reagan, we didn’t have to fire a shot.”

“Reagan liked Star Wars?” The boy was confused.

Breitbart dropped to his knees on the bed and positioned himself directly over the quivering mass of dry, supple flesh, which assumed innocent passivity. And reeking of fermentation, Andrew breathed hotly into his left ear, “Yeah. Reagan liked Star Wars.”

Reddit is the world’s largest child porn website

Fans of Reddit often see their servers overloaded with child porn.

Preliminary polling of Reddit users has revealed a shocking statistic – over one third of Redditors are in fact registered sex offenders. A recent post on SomethingAwful, the internet’s best source for gore, rightfully accused Reddit of being the primary hub for trading of hurtful child pornography.

The vast majority of content on Reddit is composed of self-made images by teen and preteen girls. The community often goes out of its way to coerce young women into posing nude and performing sex acts on camera, and the vast amount of this kind of data continually taxes the resources of Reddit.

Formerly, /b/ was decidedly the most depraved web site on the internet. However, /b/’s gore and porn obsession has turned into revolutionary anarchism because endemic egomania brought about the self-mythologizing Anonymous cult. It seems all the disillusioned pedophiles have fled to the welcoming atmosphere of Reddit.

If you don’t want to go to prison and be labeled as a sex offender by association, stay off Reddit.