Month: February 2012

Categories
News

Exclusive Interview with Tyrone Angelo AKA “Skittles”

11:45 PM, Southern L.A in California. I have arranged a once in a lifetime opportunity to interview Tyrone Angelo AKA “Skittles”, Whitney Houston’s proud crack dealer. We decided to meet in a Denny’s parking lot, as this was a place where Whitney and Tyrone were often seen together, smoking crack and dishing out blowjobs.

Q:Tyrone, what can you tell us about Whitney before she died?
A: Sheeeeiiiit man, call me Skittles.

Q: Okay…Skittle, what was Whitney Houston like…BEFORE she died?
A: She was a tight lil thang, but her pussy STAAAAAAAAAANK.

Q: Skittles, PLEASE! That’s inappropriate.
A: Jus’ keepin’ it real, man. Gotta be true wid it, and lemme tell you summin’…dat Whitney Houston never take a day off crack! 3,4,5,6, sometimes 7 a day, she’d be over at ol’ Skittle, swappin’ handjobs for rocks.

Q: What about her habits? Do you know what she did when she wasn’t with you?
A: Crack.

Q: We’ve established that, I mean anything ELSE?
A: Nope. Just crack.

Q: I didn’t know that.
A: Not a lot of people do, nigga. Y’see, Ike Turner din actually ABYOOOOOSE dat hoe, he had to fight her skank ass off when she’d go on a crack binge. But the mufuggin’ magazine couldn’t have dat shit…ol’ Whitney actin’ like a grade A nigger instead of a singer.

Q: What’s the difference?
A: Fuck you, man.

Q: Hey, you said it first.
A: I know dat, shit. Shut da fuq up and get on with the q’s.

Q: How much money did Whitney spend on crack?
A: Sheeeeeiiiit, dat crack money alone got me a brand new Mercedes.

Q: Wait, crack money alone? Was Whitney using other drugs, too?
A: AW HEEEELLLL YEAH, SON! Weed, vicadin, PCP, little bitta heroin, and a whole FUCKLOAD of crack.

Q: No shit?
A: No shit.

Q: So did you feel any guilt about Whitney dying?
A: Fuck no, nigga. She put that shit in her body on her own free will and shit. Shit’s not MY fault at all.

Q: Excellent point.
A: Shizzle.

Q: One last thing…do you think the death of Whitney Houston was a big deal?
A: Shit no, son. Whitney was a cracked out, skinny ass nigga with shitty fuckin’ music and was famous fo’ gettin’ her ass whooped by another nigga. WHO GIVES A FUCK, NOBODY, I’M OUT.

At this point, Skittles moonwalked backwards to the sidewalked and promptly sold some 7 year old some crack and pills. Love this town.

Categories
Society Uncontrollable Patriotism World

18 Dead After “Mace Party” Clashes With Police

NEW YORK CITY-Police were alerted to a string of random macing incidents in Brooklyn early on Friday morning. Field interrogation of a suspect led police into what appeared to one officer as, “an insane hotbed of violence and hate like I have never seen. The entire place stunk so heavily of pepper-spray that we couldn’t enter without masks.”

“Mace Parties” are a new phenomenon, which have apparently spun off from the Occupy movement. Facing declining interest in the daily Occupy LiveStream Police Confrontation®, protesters armed themselves with pepper spray and secretly took up residence in several abandoned buildings mostly in Brooklyn. Analysts suggest that at this stage, a variety of factors could have triggered the Mace Party, but no one is sure. One theory put forward is that the parties began as in-fighting between Black Bloc Anarchists and the much hated minority known derisively as the “Peace Police.” After the protesters realized that this kind of a confrontation was really actually all they craved, they very quickly became addicted to the rush of pepper spray.

Police were, in fact, lured into the party just to provide more intoxicants. Having spent weeks addicted to pepper spray, the former protest movement was abuzz at the prospect of just one drop of that sweet and rare delicacy, tear gas. As each canister was fired into the forsaken building, the non-lethal pain fiends fell to their knees and inhaled so deeply that some died instantly. Others charged the shield wall of the riot police and were beaten back with night-sticks, only to fly at the phalanx again and again, until the entire floor was a heap of mangled and twitching half-corpses in a shallow pool of blood emanating from the police.

The silver lining, as always, is enjoyed only by the pepper-spray lobby. Mace Parties have created an entirely new demographic for their industry, and black light pepper spray is now the world’s best selling non-lethal party favor.

Preliminary research on social  networking sites shows so-called “mace parties” are being held in abandoned buildings at a greatly increasing rate, as the average age of attendees plummets. The Department of Homeland Security suggested parents should be on extremely high alert for children who are caught purposefully building up immunity to non-lethal weapons, even going so far as to suggest parents should turn their children in to local law enforcement in order to preserve National Security. If you own an abandoned building, check it for empty pepper-spray cans. Don’t be an enabler! Pepper Spray is a gateway to more harsh forms of non-lethal force. Nip this problem in the bud.

Categories
Politics новости

Mitt Romney declares himself “too evil to lose” Michigan primary

Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney asks the niggers to please settle down.

Detroit–Mitt Romney on Friday declared himself the Republican presidential candidate with “the only chance” to defeat President Barack Obama as he seized on signs that rival Rick Santorum’s Michigan campaign is stained with relevant Google search results.

Romney vowed to bring fundamental change to rebuild the U.S. economy with bake sales, a message he hopes will help him make a comeback in the hard-hit state where he spawned from a pool of genetic material, and where Santorum is threatening to harm himself in lieu of opinion polls.

Romney told members of the Detroit Economic Club that if elected he would seek lower taxes for the rich, deep social program cuts, defecit inflation and union busting which taken together would spur a burst in profits for the top one percent.

He spoke from atop a pile of women – all his wives – on the Detroit Lions’ Ford Field, with the crowd, mostly men in suits, seated in recliners set up on the artificial turf. It was an odd choice of venue as the huge stadium could barely accomodate all the greed present.

“I’m not promising that every day will be easy, or there won’t be sacrifice. But I am promising that every day I will destroy your faith in the presidential office,” Romney said.

Romney said he has the best chance among Republicans in what he acknowledged would be a difficult battle to topple Dictator Barack Hussein Obama, who not only has the advantages of incumbency but has a well-funded gestapo capable of detaining opposition leaders indefinitely without trial or due process.

“I not only think I have the best chance – I think I have the only chance,” he said. “Do you see anyone else as evil as I am running for office?”

Michigan and Arizona are the next battlegrounds in the state-by-state fight to pick a challenger to Obama in the November 6 general election. They hold crucial nominating contests next Tuesday and will lay the foundation for the 10 states that vote on “Super Tuesday” March 6 to determine which contenders will fight to the death on Pay-Per-View, pushing the limits of American bloodlust.

Michigan’s widely watched Mitchell/Rosetta Stone poll showed Romney inching ahead of Santorum with 36 percent support to Santorum’s 33 percent. Santorum had recently held a double-digit lead in the state in polls before news surfaced that he may not be corrupt enough to be President.

While the Romney campaign argues he could survive a loss in Michigan, Romney is desperate to avoid another embarrassment in the state where his father was a popular corporate sell-out.

In his speech, he emphasized his Michigan roots and love for American-made cars produced by the state’s car industry, pointing out he drives a Ford Mustang and Chevrolet pick-up truck and wife Ann “drives two Cadillacs, actually,” making everyone around him feel poor as shit.