Selena Gomez dead at 19

Selena Gomez died in a fatal car accident
Selena Gomez was pronounced dead at the scene of a fatal alcohol-related accident.

Los Angeles – Fans mourn the loss of Disney star Selena Gomez, who was pronounced dead in a fatal car crash Friday. According to police on the scene, alcohol is believed to have been a factor in the accident.

Gomez had to be cut loose from the wreckage of her late model Ford Escape Hybrid, which was tangled between a guardrail and telephone pole off Santa Monica Boulevard, authorities said.

“When I see this happening to kids,” explained LAPD’s Deputy Foster, holding back tears, “I wrench up inside. This is a tragedy. They weren’t even old enough to drink or have sex with me.”

Attorneys confirmed profits from Gomez’s new clothing line, “Dream Out Loud by Selena Gomez,” are contractually obligated to absorb into Disney, which has outraged family members seeking comfort from the corporation which capitalized so heavily upon Gomez’s image, at the cost of her life.

The teen starlet, who just recorded a song with heartthrob Justin Bieber, was not alone in the accident. Two others died at the scene, however because they are not famous, and never will be, their names will not be printed here.

Uncomfirmed reports of two other individuals have surfaced amid reports Gomez was cheating on Bieber. Unnamed sources close to the couple indicated the two had “been having problems” but would not comment on the accident, or Gomez’s awesome underage drinking “problem.”

Social networking sites lead to 'pregnancy and marriage by age 23'

Mediocrity
Jan Lewis, 29, and Felix Mulholland, 32, finally look happy together in their 9th attempt at a positive Facebook profile picture they now share.

Everett, Wa. – A new study shows social networking websites such as MyPlace and Fakebook are responsible for up to sixty five percent of unwanted, accidental long-term relationships.

John Andrews, 24, is one of many Everett area residents who found themselves attached at the hip to the previously unimaginable dregs of society.

Andrews said, “It’s true love. Sure, it’s codependency, but we love it. Truly.”

Demographers are alarmed by the growth in pregnancies reported in the first quarter of 2009. Over “seventy five percent” were “secretly intentional,” because most of the girls found on these sites see themselves as being “too socially awkward” or too lacking of a “positive self-image” to continue dating casually as normal people have done in the eons leading up to the internet. “So they just lay on their backs and let their revolving-door-style reproductive systems trade commitment for responsibility.”

The breeding of lazy, insecure women has reached unprecedented levels which ALR scientists believe led to a spike in obesity. The FDA, or World’s Largest Conflict of Interest, has reported a sharp increase in consumer spending on trendy medical treatments such as liposuction and gastric bypass surgeries.

Dane Ginjuns, the 48-year-old FDA researcher famed as “the world’s most bribable man,” said there was a direct connection between the poisons we eat in our food and the medicines needed to treat long-term illnesses such as Britney Spears’ Disease (diabetes) and cancer, the leading cause of death for /b/.

Additionally, many of these women are unwanted to begin with and will probably have to settle on child support as a means of survival since their inherent laziness is what got them into this mess to begin with.” Ginjuns continued, “The rest of these womens’ lives will probably be spent in a dark room behind a computer screen while their smelly, unlovable bastard children raise themselves on Jerry Springer and Hot Pockets.” Ginjuns eyes then lit up as he became visibly excited, and exclaimed, “Good Lord! Cash cows, that breed cash cows. We’ve struck a fine balance, haven’t we? Just goes to show that in America, any dream really can come true, just so long as it’s rooted in corruption–I mean capitalism–I mean–aww hell!”

Analog versus Digital

It’s the great debate: is analog, with its potential for diversity, superior to the convenient but rigid lockstep of digital technology? Billy Walshe has argued the former and, traditionally, I side with him. But I have found a group of corporate researchers who don’t: twenty-five percent of all women.

1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test.
That’s why there’s Clearblue Digital.”
Clearblue television advertisement

Is this sort of thing really necessary? Throughout the entire history of human evolution, the billions and perhaps trillions (depending on where your definition of human draws the line) of people born and died to get us here did not need any kind of test. But, then smart people figured out how to tell a woman’s pregnant, so the pregnancy test came out. It was a great chance for us modern folks to say, “Oh shit.” Just like in the movies! What a novelty.

Okay, so the pregnancy test came about and life improved, but as a device, it remained simple and still has not become so advanced that it is more telling than a late period. But it would appear that some “researchers” concluded that in America (persumably this is not a commercial directed at Comedy Central’s viewers in Mali), a country where 99% of all women read, 25% of them can’t read a pregnancy test – or reads it incorrectly.

No, you know what? I almost believe it. Let’s get real about this. From personal experience, I can tell you right now that there are actually adult women who don’t know what ovulation means and therefore have no idea what the point of a period is. “Wow that’s a lot of blood! I must’ve had a lot to eat this month.” I know some women who might piss on this thing before you even have sex.

But let’s be fair to Clearblue. The company wouldn’t stand behind a claim, commercial or otherwise, if there wasn’t some merit to it. [Editor’s note: at The Elf Wax Times, we blindly trust large corporations for your convenience] Someone probably did a very biased study, but I’m sure it was a study nonetheless. So I beg the question: what are these women doing? Are they delusional? Are they seeing shit that isn’t there? Are her eyes crossed from being beaten by drunk Larry who “don’t support no kinda pullin’ out” and it causes her to see a positive plus sign where there is actually a minus?

Are they just glancing at the strip to get an idea of what it might be and then throwing it straight into the trash before they’re certain? It seems like it should be more important than that. I think a pregnancy test deserves at least a double take, about as equally as when you’re about to pull into a busy street where they put Wal-Marts and Western Sizzlin’ steakhouses and all those other shitty chain stores.

“Well, you know doctor, I looked at it, I used my eyes, I waited fifteen minutes. I even listened to the litmus paper to try and hear whether or not the urine was absorbing through it in any telling way, but I just couldn’t tell what the damn thing said. The instructions on the paper were Greek to me. I sat there for hours, just waiting for it to come to me, but I honestly could not grasp the difference between the plus sign and the minus. And that’s why I need this abortion.”

Not believable? I agree. Who in the Lord Fuck are they talking to for these statistics? Were they standing outside of the Helen Keller School For The Blind when they conducted the poll?

If a woman genuinely can’t use a piss-on-a-stick pregnancy test then maybe she shouldn’t bring a child into the world anyway. Or if she’s really that stupid, maybe she needs a set of bowel tests, too, to know whether whatever just passed through their midsection is a child or dinner from this weekend. “Should I wipe my ass or call an ambulance?” Simplicity. “Yep, it was just shit.” Or, “Just as I suspected: a baby!” she’ll say to her husband. “And you said I should get out of bed!”

And don’t you know most of these women are fat, too. I’m talking about the dumb ones who can’t operate the piss-on-a-stick pregnancy test unless it’s beeping, displaying words, making announcements and congratulating them out loud. If they won’t look for a plus sign, they aren’t looking at the Nutrition Facts on the box of Hamburger Helper either. That’s why they’re fat and that’s why they need bowel tests. Am I pregnant? Have I always been this…sick?

So we don’t know, they don’t know if the baby inside them is coming or going. Maybe they just ate it. They look down at themselves and they can’t tell if they’re pregnant. They can’t even tell what sex they are. Eventually these morbidly obese piles of skin forget their gender because it’s been so long since they saw something besides tits above their knees, so even some really fat men have been found taking these digital pregnancy tests, pissing and then listening. Their diets have reportedly become so unhealthy that when they stop bleeding from their asses, they believe they’re missing a period and start to freak out. But they’re a placid people, sighing once per month in relief because they’re never pregnant.

Switching gears now…

And I’ll tell ya what else. They’re relieved, but not the most relieved. The person of highest relief would have to be chronic masturbator Bill O’Reilly. Well, to be fair, this guy actually physically spanks it just once a day but the relief he garners from it and his sense of accomplishment is unrivaled by any primate. That’s because for all those people that he fires each week of each month of each year, who for whatever reason does not meet his standard of devoutness in their pledges to limit freedom of expression, another packet of sperm is oozed into his scrotum via wormhole from a better, perhaps more heavenly dimension, as part of Mother Nature’s attempt to balance out the lack of decency in his soul. Except this egotistical fuck is so thick with evil, like the bile/liver-combination Hitler was probably throwing up as he committed suicide, that there is a shock-absorbing desktop so technologically-advanced that Clearblue had to come in and install this thing into the steel frame of the building under his desk in New York to prevent the already-reinforced foundations of Fat Fucking Government-Asshole-Sucking Media Mogul Headquarters from buckling under the sudden pressure of the resulting seismic wave of his orgasm.

In an interview with his spawn point, Mrs. O’Reilly – who is not the devil and really exists – the still-glowing mother revealed a sudden burst of pride felt and the inherent certainty she took on, as though it were knowledge she’d carried since her own birth, when she looked down at the little minus sign and knew she was pregnant with who would later become the biggest jackass of all mankind, her son, the laughing-stock of the logical universe, whose show is sponsored by the alleged stupidity of the women watching his program.

Clearblue. So pregnant you can hear it!