The End Times They Are A-Comin'

chemtrailsThe world bank has collapsed leaving billions broke, as the value of the dollar continues to subdivide hourly.

The United States, the most powerful nation in the world, has been purchased by China fora mere $7 octillion [editor’s note: there is not enough gold in the world to support this amount of money by yesterday’s standards, but sources indicate an apathetic overtone to trading worldwide, resulting in massive, state-coordinated suicides].

Russian bombers circle overhead. American citizens do not know whether it will be a care package or a nuclear device falling from each passing airplane. Either way, independent scientists have confirmed the bombers’ routine flight grid is patterning the continental United States with chemtrails – a swine flu vaccine comprised of 90% mercury, 5% Tamiflu, 2.5% Red Bull, and an unknown ratio of wolf piss to iodine.

Citizens are commanded not to shoot their firearms toward the Russian Angels of Death buzzing overhead, but instead to turn their guns on themselves for a quick-trigger path to what inevitably lies ahead. Sources say, “Jesus will forgive you.”

At the stroke of midnight, the power-grid to the Eastern seabord is to be disconnected to allow for the invasion and scheduled genocide of the stretch of beachhead from Florida to New Jersey. New York, sources say, has become officially “worthless” and will be “spared.”

The upside to all this? Bit torrents still work; in fact, they are attributed by analysts to be the root cause of this sudden change in socio-political landscape. Prepare for chaos.

Iran bastardizes "Democratic" election


Chaos in Iran
—————-

Mir Hossein Mousavi, Ahmadinejad’s opposition in Iran’s primary election, has been placed on house arrest following mass rioting throughout the broken nation.

Rigged polls gave the incumbent dictator 63 percent of the votes, leaving Mousavi with less than 34 percent – a difference that, if not tragic, is laughably contrary to what inside analysts projected. Most analysts, including secret inside reporters risking their lives and freedom to report the truth, indicated early on that given the outrageously high young voter turnout, Mousavi would probably walk away with “at least half” of the votes.

Mousavi was even beaten in his own “heartland” – a tampering that secures all suspicions that something is inherently wrong with modern voting standards in every Democratic region, but especially in those regions with Religious entanglement and high-profile corruption.

One Iranian citizen expressed his disenchantment with the ongoing bastardization of his Republic, saying, “You just have to close your eyes and try not to think about it.”

President Obama contracts swine flu

Washington, D.C.–Due to coming into close physical contact with government pigs in Washington, U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama has been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus, popularly known as swine flu, following a doctor visit Friday.

Noticeable symptoms include tiredness of the eyes, a glazed “thousand-yard-stare” and the onset of a delirium so intense that President Obama has accidentally given all the taxpayers’ money to AIG, which was consequently sent to Europe and China. The president has also begun weighing unseen, possibly imagined factors that incidentally, are found to have greater impact in the ongoing financial crisis than the broad lexicon of “facts” and trends made publicly available by the powers that be.

President Hussein, consulting Jihadists on foreign policy

“This newfound insight gained from the President’s crippling delusional attacks has opened a window through which the public can now see what really affects world politics,” Professor of Political Science at Berkeley, California and tweed jacket enthusiast, David Brunauer said earlier this morning.

“He keeps talking about this little smokey room that he’s forced into on a weekly basis and made to watch pro-Deion Sanders propaganda,” Brunauer intimated. And then panic flashed through his eyes, as he rhetorically asked, “Is that guy even relevant to football anymore?”

The room is allegedly decorated with Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana flair so concentrated it can transform any man’s ordinary sexual conviction into raging pedophilia.

“Hanging from the ceilings are hooks, chains and leather straps,” Brunauer described. “I’d like to see this room,” he said skeptically, “And I’d sure like to experience it.”

Indeed, the journalism community is swarming with ant-like fervor around these new details, as signals of a New World Order are coming to light – small rooms where the world’s fate is decided by brainwashing techniques centered around a post-pubescent-but-not-quite-legal collage of Disney’s top-earning star. The president and forced sodomy. His relationship to Saddam Hussein Obama [deceased]. His recent affection for Hugh Laurie and his award-winning portrayal of the pseudo-doctor, Gregory House.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said of Obama, “He’s been holed up in the White House bedroom for close to two weeks now. I peeked in on him earlier today and he was sprawled out across the top comforter of the king-size presidential bed on his stomach, watching House on his laptop, complaining of Hulu.com’s interjecting advertisements, and kicking his legs around in the air behind him like he didn’t have a care in the world. Iran is building nukes, God damn it!” Clinton’s face then melted, revealing the menacing facade of a cinder-eyed cyborg, gnashing its silvery teeth for Elf Wax reporters. This is part of her regular self-destruct sequence, however, and aides reassured the press that it is no cause for alarm.

Hillary Clinton braces for meltdown

As swine flu rips through the White House, out of its bursting seams come the tides of change, but not the change Americans voted for back in November. Some analysts are saying swine flu is just what the country needed. Others warn of an impending apocalypse as the President’s mental breakdown points to a takeover by the Chinese Mafia. “A bloodless coup is pretty much impossible at this point,” warns chief military adviser Harry Branch, “as Russia and China have dedicated themselves to rebuilding their arsenals, akin to a modern-day Cold War arms race.”

President Obama reports that in the coming war, he will have the computer banks of his Central Command Center hooked up to Blizzard’s real-time strategy game Starcraft, so that he “may better command his forces in a way that he is most familiar with.”

Ridiculously, Obama believes the computer game will simulate the real-life forces and effects of the U.S. Army, in spite of the fact that neither Russia nor China will respond with “a predictable Zerg rush,” as his new, hallucinated cabinet has forecast.

The president says it will be a long, drawn out single-player campaign, during which nobody will have the opportunity to use his home computer for any purpose, even to briefly check their gmail accounts. Not even porn will be allowed, Obama said. He explained, “What is not widely known about Starcraft is that pressing alt+tab will minimize the game so that other programs may be used. That’s great, but when you bring Starcraft back to full screen, the colors are all messed up, requiring a restart, and that is a threat to the country I can not in good conscience permit.”

An SCV rush, or what Obama calls “The Peoples’ Revolt”

Due to multiplying health concerns, many Americans have come forward asking Obama to be the first black man to step down as president. “Sensing weakness in your pathetic hearts,” he replied, “I will not step down as president, but I will step up my game, and step on anybody who tries to get in my way, including you, your family, your lives and this country. But I will not walk on China, to whom I have just surrendered the last of our physical currency.” Obama then said, “Good game,” and went back into the oval office, where Maury could be overheard declaring someone to be the father of yet another unwanted child. The move was dubbed an ‘allied victory’ so Americans can still say they’ve “never lost a war.”

As of now, the country is in turmoil and things are just getting worse thanks to the critically-flawed strategies of the Obama administration. The Chinese drug lords have officially breached the ground floor of Elf Wax Times Western Hemisphere North American Headquarters, Cuthbert, Georgia, declaring martial law.

This just in: S.O.S. we are being held against our wills and are being told via translator that death camps await the Elf Wax staff for severe penalties against the Central Chinese government relating to a video released last month of actors pretending to be Chinese guardsmen protecting the values of China in Tibet. Several of us have been killed for attempted escape. The rest will follow. May God have mercy on our souls.

Iran and America Agree: "Fuck Afghanistan"

Iran and the United States have come together in a landmark baby step, citing their agreement. “Afghani drugs are no good,” says Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. This is partly because the Taliban is forcing the peasants to grow opium, and partly because the United States would have a perfect shot at winning the War on Drugs if it weren’t for these meddlin’ A-rabs and their cockamamy dope schemes.

“Afghani Kush is just something college kids say in order to sell their weak, low-grade pot to each other,” Stanley Straightedge, director of the D.E.A. published in an official press statement released Monday. “We don’t want to effect that.” Straightedge indicated that the two countries are not so concerned with the marijuana leaving Afghanistan, but they want to stem the opium trade, which has been directly linked to terrorism, contrary to what post-9/11 commercials told pot-smoking soccer-moms: that all the money they spent on gas and weed were actually buying the videotaped beheadings of journalists.

He continued, “The kind of drugs coming from Afghanistan contain no more opiates than your grandmother’s ordinary pain medications.” Straightedge went on to say, “The really good stuff is coming out of Mexico, and we feel that the gang wars taking place in the dirt capital of the world are helping to improve the quality of our imports due to increased competition.” He indicated that he wants to keep those fears flowing as a last bastion for xenophobic politicians who sometimes tend to run out of creativity around voting season. “Plus, you’ve got to feed the monkey,” he added.

Now, Iran’s sudden anti-drug stance and a shared interest in being the largest buzz-kill in the Eastern Hemisphere has finally given the United States a reason to like them. In the past, heroin peddlers have used the technique of injecting their potential purchasers in order to get them hooked before they even know they want to buy the drug, leaving them with little choice thereafter but to feed their newfound dependence. Borrowing from this tactic, the U.S. is planning to Zerg-rush the third-world country’s primary source of income with narcotics agents, the antithesis to drug-runners, in an unprecedented move thought by E.W. Times analysts to be the one and only action left to take on the Taliban “that will surely lead to a new terrorist bombing in the future.”

“Basically,” Wayneskis said, “What you’ve got here is a bunch of assholes out in the desert with only one good thing going for ’em: drugs. It’s fine and good for them, but how’s that helping you and me shop at Kroger?” Wayne continued, “This is a real problem for us and for them too because the only way they’re going to be able to plant some grass, open jobs at the Gap, build a good clean country [HEIL] and grow our corn is to get off that heroin and start injecting Uncle Sam.”

On an unrelated note, the War with Iran is expected to begin on its predetermined start date of July 4, 2010.