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News no longer newsworthy

This stack of newspapers has hardly been touched

Stay tuned for the following rant

Washington, D.C.–Just as protesters marched on the nation’s capitol to keep pressure on the new president’s foreign policy, war policy, and end worldwide occupations Saturday, the Obama administration is ramping up for a new war on Iran.

In an expected twist, the joke is on the peaceniks. As it turns out the joke has always has been on peace-loving freaks because the American public has been lied to so much throughout every war the country has ever been in, that there is no way to stage a truly educated demonstration. There is no effective way of communicating anything to the government without looking like a baby trying to explain its own needs in proper English. But those who are large enough and loud enough to do so are met with resistance bombings and war.

From the slitted windows of the capitol buildings, and from inside Lockheed Martin and co., the CEOs, upper-ranking officials, and politicians laugh inside to themselves, their vision fixed on the ignorant masses clamoring to have their voices heard, chanting the best internet slogans the logical mind can apply to the irrational conditions the money-chasing military-industrial complex has created for them. Or maybe they aren’t laughing? Maybe they are too busy reveling in the deeper sense of their ability to control it: the game and its rules, from the flow of money to the reporting of news about where that money went, to occupations to infestations to exterminations and back around again into brand new broken nations. They are the masters of their own little corners of reality.

By sponsoring the news, they are immune from its “bad reporting”. Mainly bad because in the industry, it is frowned upon by executives if and when an unauthorized report shines negatively on Lockheed Martin, whose tentacles of many names sponsor your station, newspaper, or college, paying your paycheck, financing your scholarships, giving you free internet. This practice is known as “shitting where you eat”, and it does not pay the Audi bill. It’s a no-no and reporters lose jobs over it, even though they’re only trying to cover the truth, because the safety term is ‘conflict-of-interest’ by the books, but the truth of the matter is they don’t want anyone reporting on these companies which pay them anyway. This is how the media has become an entertainment industry and why it is no longer known as ‘the news’. This is why newspapers are dying and how the news has transformed into some globular cluster of pill company PR and cancer commercials, with the occasional lie-facts sheet thrown in and used as the inside source.

Because the news used to report facts. Here’s what it looked like earlier in the last century:

Here, you see men working. Digging for the facts, whatever they are. Whatever the detail is that they’re pulling out, you will get the story on it and you can bet the farm on every fact being crucial, pertinent, uninteresting and included. Everything newsworthy runs; everything that isn’t winds up on the floor. Even the Battle of LA was printed in this time. That’s kick-ass reporting!

Newsroom from 1920 [good job guys]

Below is another example of kickass news reporting. Listen to the reporter listing facts!

“Good evening, I’m so-and-so. Here’s the news. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. That was the news. I’ll see you tomorrow because I do my job.”

Now here’s what it looked like in 1990:

“Good evening, I’m so-and-so-II. Here’s the news. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. Opinion. This just in – I’m no longer a news anchor because I broke the golden rule of journalism by breaking objectivity.”

That’s right. The guy actually fired himself automatically for infracting on his public responsibility because that’s how religiously fucking objective he was expected to be, but deceit had already been creeping in by this point. This guy went on to be a huge success at CNN, NBC, MSNBC, CBS, FOX, ABC, and early on enjoyed moderate success with the Insane Clown Posse. Probably.

Newsroom in the 1990s
[see where this is headed?]

Here’s “the news” from 2009:

“Good afternoon, I’m a big name in Entertainment Weekly, and this is the news. Interpretation of fact. Interpretation of fact. Interpretation of fact. Filtration of another fact. Small fact. Opinion. Outright slander. Fact half-supporting slanderous accusation. Closing opinion. And that’s how it really happened, folks. Behind closed doors here in my office.” Soon enough, news anchors are going to start telling us “Don’t touch that dial! Stay tuned for a message from our sponsors, and we’ll be right back with a filtered, uncalled-for-but-totally-gonna-happen review of the actual information obtained through our wire service.”

Newsroom from January, 2009

Oh that paparazzi! What wacky, outrageous story will they distract us with next?

“I farted.”

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Entertainment Local Local Politics Uncontrollable Patriotism

Chuck in 2012

Killer, presidential candidate Manson, 2009

Charles Manson: due to be released in the year 2012, the world-famous serial killer is up for his twelfth parole hearing on the final notch in the Mayan calendar, and he’s already announced new plans to get an acid-washed desert cult underway in the hope of advancing the great holy war of ideology.

The aging mastermind behind the ‘Helter Skelter’ killings spoke to the press earlier this morning, commenting on the ups and downs of his career turning points. The sexually-powered messiah commented on prior failures, saying “I’d like to see more chainsaws being rammed into peoples’ assholes.” He went on to include a tirade about the Beach Boys and his unrelated involvement with hypnotism and mind control techniques, whose details will not be reported here.

As an order of natural law, Yoko Ono should not have an utterable name. She was instead a device planted by the Manson Family to destroy the morale of the opposing faction of insanity, the other stoned acid culture who are not famous for brutal killings, but instead flower-prints, tie-dye, and being sold in Bob Dylan’s Pepsi commercials.

Japanese people love beetles. Yoko Ono did not love Beatles. Buffalo Wild Wings is having an initiation tonight. Whoever dies in the parking lot wins the store.

Obama promised a new day in US Irania relations. Iran’s nukes will be dealt with through negotiations, because everybody owns nukes anyway so who gives a fuck about controlling them anymore? “If the US will stop meddling in other countries’ affairs, Iran will change.” -Iranian spokesperson. It is already rumored that Iran has figured out a way to use nuclear power to travel back and forth through time, and so went four weeks back in time and then two years into the future and assassinated Barack Obama in the future, by way of the past. He has both already been dead for two years and has been our president for two months.

If Manson is released, he becomes automatically eligible for nomination to presidential candidacy behind whom we can all support monetarily and politically, and interestingly competitive with regards to Sarah Palin and the GOP. Write your local congressman, and tell them to delve into Manson in 2012, for heavily-taxed but outstanding health care, so that we may amend the Constitution to support senseless killing and talk about the good old days of murder, when it was available only on the black market. Those were the days. Let Manson take you back to the past, in the future!

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Reporting live from inside Gaia Online

Gaia is great because it is full of people who just can’t seem to get a grip on real life at all. With all its fantasy role-playing, cliquishness, inside jokes, and the unending affection of total strangers, it is a welcome hideout for the socially awkward to escape to. It’s also a place, however, that some must inevitably escape from.

Gaia has its own economy, its own government, its own society, subcultures, and religion. It has all the inclinations of our modern-day, real-life architecture, but it exists entirely within a digital computer world in which everyone is rewarded for their contributions and participation. While this appeals to the same gear of human nature which likes videogames and play-until-you-win reward systems, some people replace real-life interaction with this alternative reality in which everyone can be a winner all the time. And because this is the new reality that replaced the old one, in which we used to have to be there for our friends and communicate with them and be good to them, help them out with their issues, and so on, its lack of social challenge perverts these users’ concept of what meaningful social interaction is, because there is no real basis for friendship anymore. You can now make friends by looking at their profile, making a comment about it, and then sending a friend request. This is easy to do and anybody can have thousands of digital friends and still speak to just a couple of people every day. So then social interactions start to mutate, and we begin replacing one emotion with another. Because a friend’s enthusiastic laughter no longer accompanies every interaction, we begin replacing one genuine emotion – happiness – with others: attachment, intimacy, joy from acceptance, and from sharing secrets or an experience unique to this kind of existence.

Just today I discovered two people playing out this weird mommy/daughter role-play fantasy routine where the daughter keeps asking mommy if she loves her enough, and taking issue with the fact that she is never there.

thx i just fekt out because u where never on and u where on when i was not V_V but now its ok ^_^

^in response to the following:

OK…I just want you to know that NO MATTER WHAT I am your friend/mom! ^_^ So I need to tell you that this weekend I won’t be on because I am going to my fiancee’s mom’s house and she doesn’t have interwebz…. crying BUT I will get on asap! ^_^ How are you doing??

The posts are being deleted every day or two, probably because the daughter doesn’t want the outside world to see what she has been doing with her internet time, especially not real mommy and daddy.


You see, this is just the hilarious tip of the iceberg. Between exaggerated realities like the example you see here, and the kid who posts in the non fiction arena about his dad beating him and his sister with a thirty foot extension cord, you have a bell curve of people who talk about goths, and how they aren’t goths, “emos”, their avatars, vampires, people who are vampires, people who love vampires, and people who wish they were vampires so they make vampire avatars.

You will find people who have absolutely no bearing on the art community, but post as feverishly as though there was a little publisher standing behind them, yelling, “Churn out more material! The kiln of the entire artistic community simply will not fire without your input! We need more shit faster!” And they don’t care that shitting out some half-assed blurry snapshot of their cat isn’t considered art, because to them, it IS art just so long as they have some bullshit reason to contrive and justify its submission to the corporate-owned art community they wish to be a part of.

As you have already figured out for yourselves, this is a website by adults, for kids. It purports to support creativity and self-development by selling fake, digital garments and accessories, backed by MTV/Viacom finance and style-marketing keywords, which can be bought with the fictitious gold either purchased with a parent’s credit-card or “earned” through the submission (spamming) of a picture of one’s eyeball, or a drawing of their own avatars, or copying-and-pasting Wikipedia entries (a known source of bullshit). Like real-life rap music and Britney Spears from the year 2000, people are now digitizing an existence in which they make art for Pepsi commercials and help to propagate the style and standard set by the “manufacturer of cool” where ten-year-old styles and attitudes that, in the circles that once pioneered them, stagnated within months of their inceptions but carry on through marketing, online advertising and PR. Subversive cultural dynamics submitted by the undercover hired geeks of Viacom keep the tensions alive and convince children that signing their identities away to a multinational corporation is how to rebel against mom and dad, and their vicious ADD medications. Paid strangers keep this shit alive, not regular people. MTV’s future and their ability to control ours depends on it.
We will see you next Friday when local media mogul Billy B will present his continuing investigation into the world’s most unprecedented cheapening of everyday reality. He’s looking into the bastardization of artistic standards and practices in their entirety as part of his investigation into the seedy microcosm mocking our very existence in all its capacity to do so by using us against our nonintellectual selves. We’ll report to you next week from inside the hellish introspective reality of Gaia Online.

This is all we are, in a nutshell, and all we’ll ever be. Tune out, jack in.