Author: Jaime Cochran

NEW YORK, NY — As protesters from surrounding gentrified neighborhoods filter into Zuchotti Park, just a stones throw from the worlds wealth trading capitol, the NSA is geared up to test all of its latest biometric and electronic surveillance methods on unsuspecting schizophrenics. Teamed with a $250 billion grant from congress and a newly formed partnership with French transplant 0day exploit development firm VUPEN, the NSA has really outdone themselves this time.

In an effort to quash discordant behavior through fear of omniscience, the NSA has publicly announced that they will not only be intercepting, injecting and exploiting electronic communications of the protesters, but will be deploying a series of biometric tools that will be taking millions of photos and fingerprints. The program, called “Operation Arthur Silvester,” can identify fingerprint data from numerous drones continuously filming protesters. Data collected is filtered through an algorithm that reconstructs the entirety of the fingerprint from even the tiniest sliver. Protesters better be wearing gloves if they don’t want to be cataloged and possibly framed by the NSA via fingerprint planting at crime scenes.

Operation Arthur Silvester also involves an exploit developed by VUPEN and sold to the NSA for $25 million that enables full control of every smart phone on the market. Not only does it utilize the known functionality of compromised phones, such as listening while the phone is off or viewing the camera without the owners knowledge, but it can also utilize the consumer->phone symbiosis. This emotional connection to an electronic device is the feeling one gets when a person has a phone in their pocket and it feels like it’s vibrating, but it isn’t. It’s that sinking feeling the consumer gets when they realize they left their phones at home. That “nakedness.”

VUPEN’s exploit can essentially read the emotions of smart phone users. The Internet Chronicles clinical psychologist and chief technologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador posits “The NSA’s ability to read peoples emotions is simply an avenue to create a way of further manipulating the emotions of consumers. This kind of technology is like Google’s AdSense, also an NSA partner, but far more acutely defined in its manipulation techniques.” The smartphone will then act as a reality defining tool that the NSA will utilize to tailor everyday advertisements to be far more effective for the individual.

All of this lends to the fear, uncertainty and doubt that the general populace is fed daily and I, for one, hope it continues, because those assholes block traffic.

URGENT UPDATE: THE MAN PICTURED ABOVE HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO HIDE HIS PHYSICALLY IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION FROM THE NSA!!!!! IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

Blowing the whistle on a corrupt facet of systems of power is not a new phenomenon, nor is it even an effective one at that(anymore, at least). However, whistleblowing is a dirty word and dirty words lead to dirty thoughts, which ultimately lend to dirty actions. Internet bloggers and experts of opinion tout whistleblowing heroes and heroines as a selling point for their upcoming pornographic novels. Your mind must be spinning now with thoughts of tentacle porn and whatever you saw on /b/ today, but I kid you not, true believers, the truth is far more perverted than the fiction.

The truth is that whistleblowing is quite sexy. Not only is the non-word phallic at its core, but anyone versed in the art of fellatio(giving or receiving, we are equal opportunity blowers) has their loins a stirrin’ for every new article that hits the presses about Barrett Brown et. al.

Brown is certainly an interesting example. A modern day cowboy(who, in truth, couldn’t tie his shoelaces, which is why he always wore boots) and heroin chic instigator brings all the boys and girls to the yard. While however inane his ramblings were, with an aesthetic like that, how could you not love his pseudo-reporting and pure, un-fucking-adulterated whistleblowing? How pure was it really though? All he did was comb through documents that were already public and kind of report on them… which makes him even more attractive, because, well I dunno, but such mystique!

The curiously tired case of Chelsea Manning has become even more of a perverted talking heads’ wet dream than anyone could have possibly imagined. Traversing the grounds from whistleblowing on atrocities in Iraq to Adrian Lamo whistleblowing on Chelsea, all the way to whether or not we will foot the bill for Manning’s transition. Good God, what a story! Don’t you just hate that whistleblowing Adrian Lamo? Did you hear he’s fucking Barrett Brown’s ex-girlfriend? She’s probably a bad whistleblower too, although we have no evidence of that, so who cares! She’s a total babe. Besides, now that Brown is bound and, mmMMm, gagged for being naughty little boy, she can do whatever she wants. Regardless, I’m just glad to people at 9gag FOIA’d those photo’s of Manning dressed as a woman and published them just to be sure.

Oh! Now we have our wannabe whistleblowers. The Glenn Greenwilds and Jacob Appelbaums of the world, with significant others in tow, making for possible juicy love triangles… or at the very least some trivial anecdotes about their lives to moisten our panties. What happens in Der Spiegel offices, stays in Der Spiegel offices.

I could rattle off a few more names for you to get your engine running, but what’s the point? Ok, fine: Aaron Swartz. Doesn’t that just feel grand? Yet none of this matter, because it’s Miley/pseudoevent Season and this article is just one of many dominoes that needs to drop for us all to collectively blow our loads.

I’m positive that the Great Aaron Bale aka AnonForecast will be the one to push us over precipice of orgasm with his fabled “whistleblowing warhead.” Mark my words, sports fans.

oh yeah, ed snowden.