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Health Law Local Local News Politics Uncontrollable Patriotism

Snitch Ass Cops Bust Marijuana Martyrs

WILMINGTON–Several college students at UNCW were arrested for doing some things that don’t even exist, that is, ‘intent to manufacture marijuana.’ Police Chief Entirely Fictional explained, “They were trying to assemble all these amino acids, cellulose, and water, trying to recreate marijuana from the ground up. Of course, this is entirely impossible and illegal.” He went on to tell reporters at The EWT that they will be slapped across the wrists by public officials, figuratively, and then crucified by community service. The community is busy congratulating itself on how great it is.

Every student who bought marijuana from these kids benefited in mind and body by choosing not to wreck their brain, their memory, their liver, and their entire digestive system with a case of cheap beer. Instead, they took one puff of the good stuff and ate some Flaming Amy’s. Undercover Officer Rick Deckard said “Every time I bust a stoner, I tell myself, ‘they’re just androids,’ but I know they really contain a conscious mind, albeit different from my own.” Of course, since Rick is just a character from Blade Runner, all undercover cops who made a buck off of marijuana are no better than the students involved.

UNCW remains a campus full of mostly-drunken raving morons who are glad to see the harmless punished because of minor disagreements about recreational drug use. The state attorney’s office has issued marijuana possession charges to all people stating an opposing position because that is enough evidence. All such cases are already closed, defendants guilty, and Sheriffs busy collecting the convicts.

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Local News Science Sports

KARATE EXPERT SHATTERS HAND, BOARD, SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM


NAMEATOWN, US–A local karate expert injured his hand and pride while trying to prove his strength by breaking a wooden board with his bare knuckles. Thurston Wallace, 19, after seeing elder karate experts nonchalantly break through boards using their foreheads, realized his strength was in question and was quick to saw a fresh board, intending to destroy it. He then demanded a Colorado resident to “hold that [depletive exleted]” and repeatedly attempted to break the board with his hand.
When Wallace was finally able to break the board,

a rip in the space-time continuum was apparently torn open, leaving humanity in shambles. The rest of our footage was thoroughly destroyed and all wax has now broken loose.

More on this story here: Pessimist Saves Universe

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Health Local Video

CIGARETTE ASH FOUND IN LOCAL DUDE’S BEER

RICHMOND, VA– A local dude became noticeably disgusted after taking a sip of beer that had been used as an ashtray. The Elf Wax Times has just received new footage of the incident. In the video, a young man can be seen displaying caveman-like characteristics before consuming a Pabst Blue Ribbon. After a rather large gulp, he is seen dry heaving and stating that “someone ashed in this.” Please note that viewer discretion is not advised whatsoever. 

While there is no evidence leading to any suspects, sources close to the victim all concur that it was most likely the same guy operating the camera in the video who indeed ashed in the beer. No charges have been pressed yet but Richmond OverEnforce officers have stated that someone should really “sue the [depletive exleted] pants off” of whomever is to blame.

Though the can of beer was obviously contaminated, that didn’t seem to stop the subject from consuming more beer and enjoying the newest Elf Wax track, “VIETNAMetrics (space party!)”, off the new calbum that hits stores never.