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North Korea grants asylum for Snowden

Hackers around the world have been searching for a home for their wayward comrade, Edward Snowden. Finally, it seems, they have settled on North Korea.
Hackers around the world have been searching for a home for their wayward comrade, Edward Snowden. Finally, it seems, they have settled on North Korea.

SEOUL, Republic of Korea – In response to a formal application for asylum on behalf of Edward Snowden, Kim Jong-un issued a statement offering the whistleblower not just asylum, but full North Korean citizenship. Snowden and his entourage, staffed mostly by WikiLeaks employees, were ecstatic at the news of a safe haven after 14 other countries had denied their applications.

“The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea promises to allow Edward Snowden to continue to leak anything he wants. We will provide him with many of the best top-secret hacking tools available in North Korea,” said a representative from the North Korean military.

“We are just so relieved that Snowden has finally found friendly shores,” said Glen Greenwild, the reporter who famously interviewed Edward Snowden in a Hong Kong hotel.

Snowden issued a statement written in Spanish, thanking North Korea for their commitment to freedom.

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Senator Wendy Davis dead at age 50

Emotional moments before Senator Davis’ untimely demise.

WASHINGTON, DC — Fans mourn the loss of Texas senator Wendy Davis as the news reels trickled in this morning. After amassing support from not only Texas democrats throughout her years as a politician, she managed to garner a hefty klout score last night as her awe inspiring anti-abortion bill filibuster ran for 11 hours straight.

While the Texas senator was in good shape, dawning pink Nike crossfit training shoes to keep her buoyant on her final dance floor, she could not outrun the angry mob of rubes awaiting her outside the senate floor who tweeted furiously #StandWithWendy, collapsing Davis under the weight of her own eFame.

“She was a total fighter,” said Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Action Fund and champion kick-boxer. “She’ll be missed around the gym, that much is certain.”

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Paula Deen commits suicide at 66

After a recent apology for racism, Paula Deen lost her Food Network contract and has now committed suicide.
After a recent apology for racism, Paula Deen lost her Food Network contract and has now committed suicide.

SAVANNAH, Ga. — Fans mourn the loss of Paula Deen, aged 66, who was found dead Tuesday morning after suffering a ruptured stomach. A suicide note was found by family members, which outlined her intention to eat herself to death and also contained many instances of the epithet “nigger-lovers.” This comes on the heels of a damning lawsuit which accused Deen of hiring an all-black staff for a “Southern-Style Wedding” and repeatedly using racial epithets. As a result of her honest apology, Deen was fired from Food Network.

Police say Deen ate “hundreds” of her own pre-packaged desserts which are sold at Wal-Mart and feature her face on the labeling. Investigators said, “We aren’t sure whether or not Deen suffered from a fatal stroke related to her Diabetes before or after her stomach burst. Coroners have said it’s possible that she first died from eating too much sugar, and then suffered the stomach rupture post mortem.”