Category: News

ATLANTA–Alana Thompson, known to millions as “Honey Boo Boo,” passed away Tuesday morning from medical problems related to childhood obesity. She was seven. Grieving family members have forsworn their poor diets and addiction to energy drinks. “We ain’t drinkin’ that poison go go juice no more. They dun’ took little Honey Boo Boo Child away, and they ain’t gonna take no more of us,” said June “Mama” Shannon.

The nation has turned its attention to its diet in light of this tragedy, and calls to outlaw dangerous soft drinks have flooded legislators. “Soda is killing our children, and they are our future. We’re going to have to either tax or outlaw sugary drinks,” said Joe Biden.

Some critics are skeptical about these calls for a crackdown on unhealthy drinks. Nutritional expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “The death of this child, it’s a tragedy, but I don’t believe she died because of soft drinks. Soft drinks bring vigor and pep to everyday life and cleanse the mouth of dangerous rot. If anything, it was all that spaghetti, ketchup, and butter. Nothing good can come of a high calorie diet so devoid of nutrients.”

Bandytown, W.Va — Fans mourn iconic West Virginia wild-man Jesco White, who died at his Boone County home after inhaling twin doses of lighter fluid and gas fumes Saturday.

Fans received a rude awakening who believed White finally got clean following the successes of Jescofest, a festival held in his honor, and the most recent Johnny Knoxville documentary “The Wild and Wonderful Whites.”

Documentary footage portrayed a clean and sober man, skirting only the throes of a very real cocaine addiction. No footage of inhalant abuse was released, so the news caught many off guard.

“I thought he was just on the cocaine,” said Bandytown resident Deanna Warrick, 33.

Authorities said they found White dead in the “Elvis room” – a wall-to-wall shrine of Elvis memorabilia erected by White as a monument to his bottomless rage.

For years, friends knew White suffered depression in the wake of the death of his wife, Norma Jean, but said they did not intervene because they did not know he was huffing paint thinner and gasoline, and feared physical assault.

“We didn’t want no trouble,” said Boyd Denton, 56, “we just wanted to believe Jesco was okay. But he wasn’t. He never was.”

A drug saturated private ceremony is being planned by the White family.

INTERNET–Little girls up to the age of 16 are facing some of the harshest conditions in centuries, and parents around the nation are calling for more controls on little girls. Friday, a 9-year-old girl was brutally gang-raped in Pakistan, and in Israel another little girl had her trophy seized by Mossad stormtroopers. Meanwhile in Ohio, rutting teenage football players treated an incapacitated 16-year-old girl as a sex toy, posting videos to social media and carrying her around to three different parties for anyone who wanted an easy rape.

“These little girls are just being eaten up by the nasty world out there, and we need to protect them,” said Marie Abraxas, founder of Mothers for the Protection of Innocent Little Girls. “If we don’t do everything in our power to shelter little girls from harm, all innocence will go out of this world. Little girls are an endangered species.”

Spokesperson for the preteen sex lobby and snuff-film industry, Adrian Chen, spoke to Internet Chronicle reporters in the field. “We don’t condone the rape or murder of minors, but we believe that the viewing of these materials fulfills a fantasy that would otherwise result in the rape and murder of minors. We’re just as dedicated to protecting the innocence of little girls as anyone else, but we just really get off to seeing it taken away forever.”