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Editorial Law

Was there a 9/11 on the Internet I didn’t hear about?

THATS JUST LIKE THE 9/11 OF THE INTERNETAnd did the Jews do this one, too?

Ask Robert Mueller, Director of the FBI, and he’ll tell you government agencies need to change their organizational structure “in the same ways we changed to address terrorism.”

Mueller then said intelligence agencies “have to share information” just as “we had to share intelligence in the wake of September 11th…we have to build up the collective addressing of that threat, in the same way that we did so and broke down the walls in the wake of September 11th.”

In retaliation for the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center, indefinite detentions became commonplace as American leaders ordered outright assassination of American citizens. In other cases, innocent people are still being held against their will on mere suspicion. So what will the undoubtedly heavy handed response be to the forthcoming “9/11 of the Internet?” And will it, too, be a false flag operation committed by the Jews to make people believe it was an inside job?

I really want to help Robert Mueller make everyone safer. My only wish is that he could have taken our freedoms before we ever had them. But there is only 200 years of law obstructing true justice, and hell, we’ve overturned older civil rights laws than that!

EDITOR’S NOTE (WTF EDITION):

CBS “News” bragged in an article  about CBS Justice and Homeland Security Correspondent (in other words, Staff Propagandist) Bob Orr’s Christmas day “prediction” that problems relating to cybersecurity will match the severity of “terrorism,” and that we’re “long overdue” for an act of cyberterrorism against infrastructure. The fact that “cyberterrorism” can only occur through infrastructure notwithstanding, why is CBS patting themselves on the back for predicting changes they played a role in creating?

“We’re CBS Fucking News! We either set the agenda, or report the plans already beset by the Overlord. You decide!”

UPDATE: And why do you need to rearrange the FBI when your current practices are catching the “cyberterrorists” just fine?

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Fashion Law Local News Obituaries Politics

A Grad Student Who Knew Too Much

Berkey, at the start of our daylong interview.

On a brisk October morning in Brookline, a graduate student announced that he was an expert at something, to the total  indifference of his friends, peers and vague associates.

The student was reported to Chronicle.SU by a local informant and subsequently identified by spiteful classmates as first year Benjamin Berkey. Berkey, an enthusiast of the dark witch house music scene, tacitly agreed to make a phone statement to me by making dozens of unsolicited calls to the office of The Soviet Chronicle.

“I’ve read many thick tomes so, like Prodicus, I’ve become adept at choosing words. Often I finish sentences for other people in more exact ways than they ever could have expressed themselves. So, I’ve decided to go on a mission for total exactitude in language. Any time anyone strays from the Oxford Dictionary definition of a word, I will correct them in public in an elitist fashion. This will have innumerable social benefits.”

Berkey then invited me to watch him do his work across town to his sparsely furnished Allston apartment. I spent the next eight hours watching him gruel over a footnote, intermittently taking breaks to masturbate and troll the Internet with obscure semantic and grammatical criticisms.

“Work is hard, but I spend every second of every day knowing that I’m making a difference and growing intellectually. I’ve got a bright future and will surely finish my program with a good job. Not many people can say that these days.”

He then agreed to show me his favorite local coffee shop, where he ordered us espressos only to reject them several times due to “the quality of the crema.”

The barista eventually gave up and told us to fuck ourselves. We took a seat in the back of the checker-floored bar, next to a group of bicycle messengers playing bones.

One of the messengers from the group next to us.

As we sat down, one of the dudes among them, a pierced courier wearing a Brooklyn cycling cap, put the finishing touches on a lengthy monologue.

“…and that just begs the question, ‘Is McInnes libertard or not?'”

“Excuse me, sir,” interjected Berkey, “but I believe that you’ve made a mistake. The expression ‘begs the question’ does not in fact designate something that raises questions, but instead refers to an instance of circular reasoning. Be warned.”

The messenger looked over at him and his septum piercing flicked a little spark of a glint in the light. A pug-faced drunken crusty messenger appeared from among the group.

“Why you gotta be a bitch, man? Nobody asked you, faggot. Nobody spoke to you.”

The altercation deeply shocked Berkey, who became horribly insulted. He began to shake and then suddenly walked out of the coffee bar and refused to answer subsequent calls to his cellphone.

I never heard from him again.

RIP, Benjamin Berkey

Update: Several weeks after our encounter, The Boston Globe reported that Berkey had disappeared without a trace. Even more strangely, authorities declined to open an investigation into his disappearance. His family’s attempts to sue the Boston Police Department were bizarrely dismissed in a similar fashion. And in a final twist, my dumbfounded reading of the report to The Chronicle office occasioned a smile in our editor, Kilgore Trout.

“Yeah, the sergeant at Boston PD actually clued me in weeks ago. Benjamin Berkey was administratively arrested as part of a law enforcement operation targeting known gang members and associates.”

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Law Technology

CHRONICLE.SU EXCLUSIVE Interview With Topiary – From Prison

Topiary
Topiary offered Chronicle.SU a chance to set the record straight on why he has turned himself in.

San Francisco — Topiary, who recently turned himself in, awaits trial inside Folsom Prison. The “face of LulzSec” continues to speak from behind his twitter account, but inside sources report anyone speaking on behalf of LulzSec is only a stand-in, as they have all been arrested.

Topiary is a longtime friend of the Chronicle.SU and requested that we interview him from prison to ensure clarity and fairness are upheld as the Sec-saga unfolds.

Here with us today is Topiary, manager of the LulzSec Twitter feed, as well as the individual who wrote on The Sun’s website without their permission and crashes Chronicle.SU pirate pads “for the lulz.”

Chronicle.SU: Topiary, why did you turn yourself in?

Topiary: As you know, Amy Winehouse was recently b& from life and that’s been weighing on me. Just got tired of trolling goatse sites and reviewing the same old Shawshank Redemption .avi over and over again. Time has a way of catching up with you, ya know? My time is now. So I’m here.

.SU: Yes, Amy Winehouse’s death was undoubtedly tragic to someone. So what’s next? Do you have legal representation?

Top: Well, forwarded me a pastebin of a list of lawyers compiled by Barrett Brown, but every phone number on that list is disconnected. No, I gotta take that back. Wait just a second. The second number on that list, did point to an attorney. It was the McDougal County Public Defender’s office. Without asking who I was, he tried to wager me into his betting pool. I had someone on the outside hack me some good odds on Curiosity’s Bubble in the dog races Friday, so we’ll see what’s up. Thanks, Barrett.

.SU: So, you’ve elected to defend yourself?

Top: Oh, no worries man. Just between you, me and your readers – lol nobody reads this shit anyway right? – Just between us, I’ve got my evidence together, don’t you worry. Exhibit A is the judge’s email account.

.SU: Sounds like a good strategy. What sort of plea bargain are you looking to extort from His Honor?

Top: Probation, a little community service.

.SU: Wait, what about the cross-dressing and the sodomy you requested? You were quoted by TFI as saying, “Ima make that Casey Anthony bitch look like a passing fad.” Where will your ass-traffic come from?

Top: They’ll probably ask me to dox th3j35t3r. So far the DoJ has informed me he’s become quite a pain in their asses – a real embarrassment. Well my ears perked up when I heard “pain in their asses.” I thought, ‘Why not me? I want pain there. In my ass!’ It’s all part of the plea deal I’m writing up. You’ll see it published on the prison website after I SQL-inject that shit. So refresh hourly. And yeah, he’s a try-hard so I guess I’ll gladly oblige. I already know him, actually. We invented him, so it shouldn’t be any big deal, we’ll just deactivate the Twitter account and call it a day. He’s not even a human being. Just some AI chatbot compiled from repurposed Cleverbot coding and Yahoo! spambots designed to lure you into their camsites.

.SU: Word the fuck up to that. Well I’m glad you’re done talking about it because I was having real trouble giving a shit.

Top: Mind if I smoke a j?

.SU: Bunny.

Top: ‘Scuse me?

.SU: Bunny Lebowski… She is the light of my life. Are you surprised at my tears, sir?

Top: Fuckin’ A.

.SU: When’s the trial?

Top: Tomorrow.

.SU: You goin’?

Top: Nah.

.SU: Will you autograph my t-shirt?

Top: We’re done here. Good luck kicking the habit, guys. Send my regards to Barrett Brown, and tell him I said the same.

And at that, Topiary’s personal guard arrived with a black vibrating strap-on, already switched on, flopping hilariously with his hip movements. Carrying Topiary away, cradled like a baby, the guard whispered sacred secrets into his right ear. Topiary looked back at Old Brutus and beamed furtively in his direction, then spit up on the guard’s shoulder just before disappearing into the annals of Folsom Prison.