Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

Categories
Health Status Quo

Social networking sites lead to 'pregnancy and marriage by age 23'

Mediocrity
Jan Lewis, 29, and Felix Mulholland, 32, finally look happy together in their 9th attempt at a positive Facebook profile picture they now share.

Everett, Wa. – A new study shows social networking websites such as MyPlace and Fakebook are responsible for up to sixty five percent of unwanted, accidental long-term relationships.

John Andrews, 24, is one of many Everett area residents who found themselves attached at the hip to the previously unimaginable dregs of society.

Andrews said, “It’s true love. Sure, it’s codependency, but we love it. Truly.”

Demographers are alarmed by the growth in pregnancies reported in the first quarter of 2009. Over “seventy five percent” were “secretly intentional,” because most of the girls found on these sites see themselves as being “too socially awkward” or too lacking of a “positive self-image” to continue dating casually as normal people have done in the eons leading up to the internet. “So they just lay on their backs and let their revolving-door-style reproductive systems trade commitment for responsibility.”

The breeding of lazy, insecure women has reached unprecedented levels which ALR scientists believe led to a spike in obesity. The FDA, or World’s Largest Conflict of Interest, has reported a sharp increase in consumer spending on trendy medical treatments such as liposuction and gastric bypass surgeries.

Dane Ginjuns, the 48-year-old FDA researcher famed as “the world’s most bribable man,” said there was a direct connection between the poisons we eat in our food and the medicines needed to treat long-term illnesses such as Britney Spears’ Disease (diabetes) and cancer, the leading cause of death for /b/.

Additionally, many of these women are unwanted to begin with and will probably have to settle on child support as a means of survival since their inherent laziness is what got them into this mess to begin with.” Ginjuns continued, “The rest of these womens’ lives will probably be spent in a dark room behind a computer screen while their smelly, unlovable bastard children raise themselves on Jerry Springer and Hot Pockets.” Ginjuns eyes then lit up as he became visibly excited, and exclaimed, “Good Lord! Cash cows, that breed cash cows. We’ve struck a fine balance, haven’t we? Just goes to show that in America, any dream really can come true, just so long as it’s rooted in corruption–I mean capitalism–I mean–aww hell!”

Categories
Health Science

Internet Reaches Pandemic Status

The uncontrolled flow of information in the form of music, video, text, and images has crossed the threshold of our leadership’s tolerance. Government officials have declared an end to the Internet, and computers altogether. President Crystal Palin made a statement this evening at a hostile press conference in the White House. “The Internet has devalued all informational property and left the entertainment industry in ruins. We will be bailing out all the major film and video game companies with a 4 billion dollar stimulus package. This action is necessary to recuperate damages incurred by informational theft en masse. From today forward, computer networks of more than two computers will be illegal.”

Our watchdog organization, the Waxtronetic Foundation, has used its faculties to obtain proof that Crystal Palin has been downloading gay porn over bit torrents. The White House has not responded to our request for a statement on the matter.

Next week Metallica is holding a victory parade through New York City which will be headed by a giant inflatable bust of Lars Ulrich. A one-mile vicinity will be cleared on each side of the parade, effectively forcing up to two million people to either pay for $200 tickets or evacuate the area from 9am to midnight next Friday. Metallica will not be present, however several cover bands will make up the musical attraction of the parade.

Software and video game designers have issued a collective sigh of relief, now that they do not have to worry about programming more and more absurdly complex serial number systems to prevent piracy.

The music industry is bathing in seas of riches as the new iTunes mail-order system has begun to see profits. iTunes customers will now have to mail-order iPods pre-loaded with music sold at previous rates in addition to a nominal $20 loading fee.

Not all groups are so happy with the downfall of the internet. Online gamers have especially been outraged at the president’s oppressive totalitarian decree. These gamers are highly trained killing machines who have no other hobbies but playing out virtual wars against harder and harder opponents. These players’ murmurs of revolution are already being picked up on Waxtronetic Foundation wire taps-to the horror of the government. Troops have been ordered to the highest alert in Washington, but no reinforcements have been ordered. While a coup is more likely than not, it is clear that the gamers are not being taken seriously.

Players of the popular mmorpg World of Starcraft 2 have committed suicide on a massive scale, although this news has been somewhat ignored because of the death of the internet. Those people are just bandwidth hogs who deserved to die to begin with, and national media has left their story for the back page of the few newspapers left alive. As nothing can now be reported without profits in mind, journalism has finally struck the balance it once finessed.

Capitalism has triumphed over the evils of free information, thanks to President Palin.

Categories
News Science

Bigfoot: The Question Remains

Foreword:
As Chief Cryptozoology expert at Elf Wax, I’ve been on the hunt for proof of Bigfoot for years. Lately, some hoaxes have become so complex and convincing, that the truth is actually less detailed and accurate than the hoax itself. Can a hoax be so perfectly orchestrated that the truth of the matter fades into oblivion? I think so.

Project Gigantopithecus

Say we were to take a group of Gorillas and genetically engineer them. This has been done with less sophisticated primates by Japanese research groups, and the animals have not been rendered sterile. In fact, there is a breeding population that has been given a gene that makes the animals glow in the dark. These phosphorescent freak-show monkeys serve no purpose, and no one really wants them to be. What we do need on this planet, obviously, are bipedal gorillas with near-human intelligence. The real problem lies in defeating the skeptical science community that simply does not believe in Bigfoot.

Bigfoot Walks Again!

The first phase will involve proof. A single specimen must be created from a Gorilla fetus in a lab to specifications which have already been stated. That is, we need a dead Bigfoot baby, and we need to drop it off where someone will pick it up in the wild. Once this is accomplished, Bigfoot can be put on the endangered species list, and public funding will pick up the bill for the rest of the plan. A highly intelligent and viable population of bipedal Gorillas must be released into North America, at the expense of the taxpayer.

Bigfoot – A Damn Communist?

The consequences of a Bigfoot population living at peace, in the wild, may stir ideological sentiments in a majority of our population, leading to a Velvet Communist Revolution. This is the part of the hoax where things may get dicey. Rush Limbaugh will likely call for an open season on the noble Bigfoot until they are all dead. Sean Hannity may release thousands of Bald Eagle clones trained to peck out the eyes of apes. We don’t know the kind of backlash that Bigfoot’s release will create, but there are ways to prepare. Arm Bigfoot with assault rifles, and train them in Guerilla combat. This will put off the hunters, and the eagles may have to find other apes to attack on the North American continent.

Wait, won’t this plan just result in a terrible planet of the Apes style scenario?

You betcha.