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Area man visually defines lost concept through ironic failure to do so

Springfield, U.S.–Dignity found a face when local cracker factory worker Kirk Van Houten attempted to draw it during a game of Pictionary Saturday night, twelve years ago. Ordained with failure after his wife, Luann, could not guess the image, he challenged her to draw a better one in front of the party. What resulted was the iconic definition of a human concept so complexly intangible, it should have never been included in an ice-breaking party game.
Kirk Van Houten: It’s dignity, Luann.
 

Van Houten’s visualization of dignity was largely rejected by his wife, whose own portrayal was subsequently confirmed by the party’s attendees to accurately depict dignity in all of its possible variants, definitions, and contexts, even as it had been comparatively stripped from her husband in the act.

Unfortunately, the piece was never released to the public and experts say statistics indicate the drawing probably arrived in a Virginia landfill in or around Gloucester County. “This estimation is given on the grounds that Waste Management buys trash from twenty-six other states, including New York and New Jersey, to dump in Va. landfills as a means of protecting its citizens from encroaching swamps, wetlands, and bothersome natural habitats,” said Virginia governor Timothy Kaine.

Waste Management is a friendly neighborhood conglomeration of Wall Street businessmen and the mafia between whom your trash is a commodity.

Dr. Hibbert, Ph.D., commented on Mr. Van Houten’s piece after the Simpsons’ party, saying, “It lacked any distinctive characteristics whatsoever,” as he released an untimely chuckle.

After frantic weeks of phone calls, strongly-worded letters, and death threats, Noam Chomsky, professor emeritus of linguistics at Massachusetts Institute of Technology was made available for comment. After reviewing the scene between the now-divorced Van Houtens, he said, “The dispute is inconsequential and with the exception of their resulting divorce, most likely will not change anything, ever.” He then followed this up with a question for reporters, asking, “Is this really why you needed me so badly? Do you even know who I am?”

Noam Chomsky, powering a small
village with his cognitive prowess

Indeed, after more than a decade the ripples of rejection can still be felt for miles around Springfield, where reporters say the veins of failure running through Kirk Van Houten’s shrinking intellectual circle of neighboring low-rent apartment tenants in their mid-20’s are still being smoothed out similar to air-bubbles under a sticker.

One neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, said the man is by this point so unfamiliar with dignity that he may never be loved again, and is most certainly not currently respected by his peers, colleagues, or even the American Gladiator his ex-wife married shortly following their divorce.

In other news, Elf Wax reporter Stan Crumb was arrested outside the Elf Wax office building for harassment and attempted kidnapping following an unscheduled, unrelated, and mostly unwanted interview with Mr. Chomsky about quote, “the 9/11 conspiracy, man.”

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Categories
Health News Science World

General Tso's Chicken 13% Lead


General Tso’s chicken is a staple of American Chinese take-out restaurants, familiar to millions of fatasses. Starting at the turn of the 20th century, early Chinese restaurants began to sprout up all over America, fueled by the popularity of General Tso’s chicken. Chinese establishments have long been known to spike their food with inordinate amounts of MSG, a practice that increases business at the expense of public health.
Recent scientific findings by trusted Elf Wax scientists have revealed a dangerously high lead content in many Chinese restaurants. Due to the use of lead paint in take-out menus, food coloring, and dish soap, some restaurants have served Elf Wax scientists with General Tso’s Chicken contaminated with fatal doses of lead. The amount of lead ranged as high as 13% leading a few racist republicans to theorize the Chinese government is attempting to poison America.
Beijing has refused to comment on the actions of “American Citizens” who are in no way influenced by the Chinese government. Several restaurant owners were asked to comment, but none could do so in fluent English. Beijing did state that “the Chinese paint industry does not rely on lead,” but several lead mines have been located by our journalists through Google Earth. While China denies that they have the ability to purify Lead into food-grade dyes, the purchase of 17 centrifuges from Iran has prompted an international uproar. Our experts advise that if you suspect your food of being overly dense or sporting a suspicious metallic sheen, that you should avoid eating a full serving. “You can’t be too cautious when it comes to lead in your food” -Dr Angstrom H. Troubador

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Categories
Obituaries

Area Man Fatally Bludgeoned With Baseball Bat

CAHULAWASSEE, GA — A local man was found fatally wounded today after an apparent bludgeoning. The victim, whose name remains unreleased until the notification of kin, was found dead and freshly buried in the ground, wrapped in a blue tarp. Not much is known of the victim at the time of press, however, sources close to the victim described him as “rude as Hell” and having habitually foul breath.


UPDATE: Authorities are believed to have the murder suspect in custody after a short search of the Cahulawassee River area. Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie, 31, is being held without bond in the Calhoun County jail on charges of aggrevated assault and murder.

A recent photo shows Abercrombie with the alleged murder weapon.

Abercrombie, according to court records, is a local blue-collar worker who also goes by the nickname, “Mud”, not to be confused with “Bill,” “Jack,” “Pete,” or “Dennis.” From interrogation, police have uncovered information leading them to believe that the suspect and victim were, in fact, friends who earlier had gotten into a heated dispute over Abercrombie’s patent shoes. At the time of arrest, police also found the alleged murder weapon, a Wal-Mart® brand aluminum baseball bat. Accordingly to Georgia state law, Abercrombie is presumed guilty until proven actually guilty. He is expected to be in Calhoun County court on April 20th, 1993.