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Entertainment новости

A Chronicle Christmas

A Chronicle Christmas
‘Twas the night before Lulzmas, cops bust in my house,
Revolution was stirring, I was drunk, getting soused.
The jury was hung on a “bad budget” scare,
In hopes that the people would not really care.

For children were starving with rotted out heads,
While visions of whiter slums molested their heads.
And mamma in the kitchen, cooking up slop,
Had just surrendered her freedom to a power-tripping cop.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I escaped a pig’s grip to see what was the matter.
Away to the broke door I flew with my cash,
Snorted some cocaine and buttholed my hash.

The paranoid delusions were too real to know
In my snowblind confusion, myself my own foe.
When, what through God’s jealous rage should appear,
But a cluster of hippies, 99%ers like steer.

With a human microphone, so lifeless and thick,
I knew in a moment what message would stick.
“Like lightning we’ll strike in nobody’s name,
We’ll whistle, we’ll shout, like this is a game!”

“Now Leahy! now, Schumer! now, Obama like Nixon!
Sign vomit! Now, Stupid! It’s not your decision!
To profit is all! Fuck rights, for the mall!
Now sign away! Sign away! Sign away all!”

As dry heaves that before the belching demons sigh,
What’s done by the government, is ignored and denied.
In the hands of overlords, the Red White and Blue,
Is our fate full of shit, and Big Brother too.

And then, hallucinating, I heard on the roof
The hooking and scratching of Satan’s third hoof.
As I drew in my breath, the pigs turned around,
Down the chimney St Sabu came without sound!

He was doxed to the tits, and only one person cared,
Whose opinion was pointless, pretty much anywhere.
An FBI plant or some Caribbean hack,
We looked at each other, then never looked back.

This, now, is my chance! Sweet escape, how scary!
My face was on fire, coked up and eyes weary!
My right logical brain stroked out to my woe,
And I shook violently daft then collapsed in the snow.

Hitting my face on a drainpipe I lost teeth,
And lost consciousness for days in a foul dreamlike sheath.
The protesters lol’d at our profound lack of healthcare,
That provides us with nothing as out, too, goes welfare.

And in deep dark silence, I felt one knee jerk,
As someone just kicked me to test if my brain worked.
Coming alive, hurt, I slowly arose,
To a throng of brown sluts, bitches and hoes.

I sprang to my feet, and despite a contusion,
I suddenly realized it was all an illusion.
The Universe, being not alive, can not die,
‘Ere it told me the truth: “And the truth is a lie.”

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Categories
Technology новости

CHRONICLE.SU DEFEATS TH3J35T3R

TANGO DOWN!

Everything the Jester was once known for has been taken away. He has been castrated by Apache developers, posted an embarrassing music video which encompasses his feelings toward small children, and is now shitting himself in fear of Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.

JESTER DEFEATS CHRONICLE | OOPS!Recently, I met th3j35t3r in Barrett Brown’s empty tinychat room, where he bragged about taking the Chronicle down for a few days. Which is true, he did: by running a simple script against BlueHost, who we paid to host the Chronicle, he caused one of their servers to seize up and a whole bunch of their clientele’s websites went down with chronicle.su. And when I met him, he had just “quit hacking” – supposedly on a whim, so before I left him in there, I was sure to point out the true reason the attacks stopped:

The script Jester used to attack us – and many others – is now obsolete since Apache developers updated their software. No big deal, just a little update and web hosts everywhere are fine again. We updated and now we are fine. But the Jester’s afraid BlueHost and Lebal Drocer are pissed off about it. And he’s probably right. Sure, maybe we provoked him, but this is what happens when you attack the 1%. They do not forgive. They do not forget. So just because he took us down in August doesn’t mean our old host doesn’t want their fucking money now.

Take one quick moment to absorb our small victory, for we have beaten the Jester at his own silly game. You see, the Jester is a terrorist. His goal is to create terror. For example, he wants to chill our speech – by attacking our site, he hoped to make us afraid to write. Obviously, that didn’t happen. But now he’s afraid that our team of lawyers are coming after him in the name of Lebal Drocer, Inc. [Editor’s note: Fact is, he attacked us on shared hosting, on one of the largest webhosts in the world. Did “the jester” really think Bluehost would tolerate him downing thousands of clients’ sites at once?]

What a cowardly bitch. He took everything down, including his picture of the cease-and-desist order they sent him. That means Bluehost actually knows the identity of “the jester.” But we don’t, and neither do you. Still, we can characterize him for you anyway, using all the information we do have.

Who is th3j35t3r?

The Jester, a known pedophile, is an otherwise sexless man – a “script kiddie” that somehow figured out he could bloat up outdated Apache servers to uselessness. This is achieved by holding a large number of connections open with the server at one time. He is a longtime fan of the Insane Clown Posse, who eroded his creativity before it ever had a chance to bloom. Having no web design skills, his only alternative was to destroy. So he went to “work.” But who to attack?

Over time, the fatass Jesterfag became so well known for torturing Urdu (language) Islamic website owners, he became widely recognized as the world’s most likely hacker to vote a third time for Bush and Cheney.

Later on, as he gained Twitter followers, he took on feelings of Unwarranted Self-Importance and pretended to harbor political convictions after the mainstream media assassinated Wikileaks for being better at journalism than them.

He soon claimed attacks on Wikileaks, as well as the Westboro Baptist Church of Trolling Art.

But he fucked up when I provoked him to attack us. If you’ve been reading up till this point, you know how: he took my bait, ultimately unleashing a ravenous team of coked up Lebal Drocer lawyers who seek to hunt him down like a runaway slave – they are on so much cocaine they’re representing the web hosts of jihadists.

Cocaine lawyer does not use cocaine

The Jester thought he could bitch and complain to our host that we were running profanity and “slandering” his fake name. [ Editor’s note: libel is written. Slander is spoken. ] But he doesn’t know about the law and how there are no laws which protect false identities from libel.

If the Jester read more, he might have learned the laws before making an ass out of himself. But books are for faggots. Still, he is willing to pull Steinbeck quotes from wikiquote. #pseudointellectual #pedophile

Steinbeck wrote about the Great Depression – a time when men were men, and you didn’t fuck with other people’s accounts unless they were fucking with your moonshine operation. But if you did, you learned the hard way not to. The Jester, too, will learn.

The Chronicle always wins.

___
Mach2600 is a slut. Her #pussy stinks..

Anonymously37 gets dragged into our shit for the lulz. He has no idea why.

Mockingbird = sockpuppet of the sockpuppet, or #sockingbird

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Categories
Editorial Special Interest новости

Chronicle.SU is WRONG

Adrian Chen hates satire
Adrian Chen attempts to block the view of Tlingit masks he said are "also wrong."

I’m Adrian Chen, and I know many things. I mean, there are a lot of things I know. I know stuff about politics, the Internet and hacktivism because I myself am a troll hacktivist. I try really hard to know as much as possible about what Anonymous tweets, and especially LulzSec, Sabu and reddit.com. But what I know most of all to be most factual and more true than any other fact on the Internet, is that the Chronicle.SU is wrong.

They are wrong about many things, especially the stuff I know more about than they do. I write for a website called Gawker, which is never wrong, and always right. In fact, since I can’t seem to find any satire websites with balls enough to tackle hacktivism on the internet, I am thinking about starting my own satire site, in which I replace the word “write” with “right” – because I am always right! (I’m a righter! Get it?)

One of the things Chronicle.SU is wrong about is Sabu of LulzSec and #AntiSec being a brown guy named Hugo. They are especially wrong about that because they wrongly Photoshopped an image of Hugo’s face as the leader of #ANTISEC, the group competing against Anonymous for most lulz. WRONG! He’s not the leader, fucking idiots! Sabu is! And Sabu isn’t Hugo! Jesus.

Adrian Trolls
Chen: "Chronicle.SU was also wrong when they said I was wrong about who invented Anonymous porn. I knew Chronicle.SU already invented Anon porn. I wasn't wrong. I was just trolling them behind their backs because that's how Adrian rolls."

You know, if the Chronicle.SU was a satire website, this would almost be forgivable, even though LulzSec is no laughing matter, but this is an egregious error on the part of Chronicle.SU Editors, right on up to the executives and I’m speaking out!

If I were the owner of that newspaper, and it wasn’t some socialist experiment of a defunct military state like the Soviet Union, I’d call a company-wide meeting to talk about fact-checking and making sure we never run anything wrong, ever again. Because like I said earlier, Gawker has never run a single wrong thing – not with MY name attached to it, they haven’t. The Chronicle.SU is the most inaccurate, least factual source of information I’ve ever read. And yet, I keep coming back for more! It’s sickening.

I have a message for you Chronicle.SU readers out there who fall consistently for their lies and disinformation. You ready for it? Here it is, BIG NEWS BABY HERE WE GO:

The Chronicle.SU is a propaganda tool of the disinformation arm of the United States Government.

During Psy-Operative campaigns by the CIA, the Chronicle.SU was imbedded in IRC chats distributing pro-wikileaks articles and information so biased toward truth we jokingly called it truth-propaganda around the Gawker office. And they released DDoS instructions, toolkits and PHP-based starter kits to help lies spread faster, no matter what they were; they even helped build the Louise Boat. Simply disgusting.

Get a clue. Avoid Chronicle.SU