"I know you're tired of hearing it, but just to be sure: now we CAN kidnap US citizens with this, right?"
Washington, D.C.– Good, patriotic Americans applauded yet more consummate abuses of power Thursday as US President Barack Hussein Obama demanded provisions to the National Defense Authorization Act to “make no exceptions” for the indefinite detainment of “US citizens and legal residents.”
The security-enhancing provision to kidnap and indefinitely detain unsightly US citizens was later put on his desk after Obama rejected the annual funding bill because military powers were not extended to encapsulate the livelihoods of every American citizen.
“I think it’s just the greatest thing ever,” said Sally Melbank, 44, of Roanoke County. “It’s exactly what this country needs and will hopefully get rid of what it don’t.”
American citizens deemed to have misused their sweet, precious freedoms can – and will – be tortured not only on American soil, but moved to secret prisons around the world – for their entire lives – if necessary.
“You could be engaged in terrorism,” said chronicle.su political analyst Tony Minginle, who worked with bill co-sponsors to ensure language used in the legislation was as draconian as possible,
“Or you could just be a donator of funds to a deemed terrorist group, such as Wikileaks. Or you might be doing nothing at all. For example, maybe you just write satire for a subversive internet publication because you like saying crazy shit. Perhaps most importantly, we’ll never know because you do not get a costly and time-consuming trial where time and tax dollars are wasted determining your supposed innocence.”
“Fuck it,” he said. “Let God sort ’em out.”
The legislation represents brave defiance of human rights to personal freedom and due process. By this point in American history, open assassination of US citizens, abuse of power, and squelching of free speech have become commonplace and codified. Provisions to the NDAA merely serve to clarify the US Government’s basic contempt for rampant freedom on a level “even FOX News viewers can understand.”
If you are deemed to be a “supporter of Al Qaeda, Taliban, or associated forces, you can be detained by the military and held indefinitely.”
And that is why we have decided to announce our official support for Al Qaeda, the Taliban and associated forces.
It’s the American thing to do.
Old Brutus, “Debbie Downer” and ex-leader of CHRONICLE.SU, was approached by journalists for comment on this delicate matter. After some argument over his affiliation with the underground hatesite, he objected to our presence but also had this to say:
We’ve lost all our rights and the regime is, by now, totally fascist.
If we make it to the year 2014, that’ll be the year all hell breaks loose in America. We’re stranded in the middle of an ocean of dung, walking on an oil slick and somebody just struck a match to the god damn thing.
The police are never punished, but rewarded, for bad behavior. The government is dedicated to maximizing profits. The people are cows.
And how?
I’ve never felt more certain about anything than the doom hanging over us.
We’re fucked. But please take this as a token of my condolences.
What a kook, AMIRITE!?
Cheer on the erosion of your own rights as you fulfill the prophecy contained within this mujahideen chant.
Hackers were even able to program clothes onto escaping prisoners.
SAN QUENTIN, Calif. — More than one thousand inmates escaped from their prison cells across the United States Wednesday following the release of a volatile computer bug used mainly in the hijacking of nuclear weapons control systems.
Last week at Defcon, the hacker conference, a technological flaw in prison security software was discreetly showcased before a handful of onlookers, provided spectators promised not to say anything about it.
Capital Punishment
The massive breakout occurred just before 3 a.m. Pacific Standard Time. Latest reports say 1,233 of the more than 5,000 prisoners awoke to their cell doors opening. Usually that means breakfast, but guards were nowhere to be seen. All but two fled and only seven were captured alive. Many were fatally wounded.
CITIZENS: LOCK YOUR DOORS. BE ADVISED: The cell blocks affected by Wednesday’s hack housed only inmates serving sentences in excess of 25 years. In other words, there are violent criminals roaming the streets of Southern California, as usual.
Convicted for armed robbery, loves Antisec.
These include more than 1,000 convicted murderers, rapists, gang members, blacks, and worst of all, Mexicans likely inhabiting the barren lawless California desert of San Quentin. If anyone in an orange numbered jumpsuit ask you for a ride, just say no, unless you think he looks legit.
San Quentin State Prison Warden Mike Martel said, “Sure, we might lose a few prisoners, but those .commies will fill their places. I fucking hate kids, and their damn computers. So when are we doing this interview?”
One prisoner who escaped by way of the hacked beta version of the hack-in-progress said he is grateful for the efforts put forth by anonymous computer hackers, “whatever the fuck that means.”
Many dozens of prisoners scrambled over top of each other just to get through the open doors. Video surveillance tapes played back scenes of utter chaos as a herd of inmates bottlenecked, taking gunfire at the open bay doors near the front of San Quentin State Prison.
Scooter McLintock, 39, is serving two life sentences for the 1997 rape and murder of his two elderly South Beach neighbors. McLintock – along with many others – opted to take their chances and bum rushed the open front doors to the prison, where outside, freedom awaited survivors.
“We was thinkin’: what if we jus all rush out dat door at once, ya know? The guards can shoot at us, but they can’t kill us all. They ain’t kill me. But I had this big colored man on top a me get shot an’ he was screamin’ like a lil’ bitch. Like a scared little bitch wit blood squirtin’ out his mouf an’ shit.”
Famous Unknown People
Last year, a cyber worm known as Stuxnet disabled Iran’s nuclear centrifuges, slowing or possibly crippling their once-thriving nuclear weapons program. The Stuxnet worm is still considered the most sophisticated cyberweapon ever made. It disabled the centrifuges by attacking a “programmable logic controller,” which is the same type of computer used, ironically, in America’s prisons.
Martel explained why they use such sophisticated, yet flawed technology in San Quentin’s holding facilities. “In America, prisoners are considered a commodity where prisons are privately operated. That’s why we treat them with the same level of protection as Iran treats its controversial nuclear program. Because we care. About money.”
David Blanche of Lebal Drocer Correctional Authority said the most recent outbreak is the largest in world history, and authorities are actively searching for someone to blame. Critics of hacker culture point at Defcon for condoning cybercrime, but “mainly because they are older, they still blame MTV.”
A group of unidentified and highly-skilled hackers – not to be mistaken with the club of misfits going by “Anonymous” – bought a programmable logic controller for testing purposes. Such computers are commercially available for less than $2,500.
Using this hyperrealistic computer simulation, hackers were able to determine the possible effects of remotely opening a prison door.
Within days of testing, hackers achieved success by way of a simulated attack on their own machines using their newly developed cyberbug.
Chronicle.SU editor and Anonymous insider Kilgore Trout abused his anonymous credentials and dug into their possible involvement. Once again, his skepticism proved itself.
You read it here, folks: Sabu has openly admitted to orchestrating the Antisec cybercrime of the century.
While talking with Sabu in a private IRC, Trout bragged about the completion of his latest cyberbug. Because all anons care about how cool people think their fake online identity is, Sabu’s inner anonfag came crawling out to bite the hook. He said, “That’s one hell of a bug, but guess who just released a bug into San Quentin State Prison?”
lol, #freetopiary
Sabu instructed Trout to “Keep it on the dl bro,” but the Chronicle.SU is not some pussy collective that respects the meaning of ‘off the record.’ “I’m not trying to get v&,” Sabu pleaded. But Trout said, “Tough shit.”
The bottomless compulsion to achieve notoriety based on a seemingly endless stream of pointless, shitty attacks caused many in the hacker community to doubt whether the world may ever again blame Anonymous for anything outside of ruining an online forum. But Sabu came through.
While anons and fanboys fapped mercilessly upon their prepubescent penises with thoughts running through their heads of meth lab informants being hunted down and killed after mass d0xing of police contacts, more people are now being raped and killed – this time because of criminals they helped free from prison.
The Final Solution
Prison guard Antonio Rueda, 43, responded with force to the security breach. He said they tried to preserve lives, but then were just like, fuck it. “Following the ineffective use of non-lethal bullets and pepper spray,” Rueda said, “we resorted to rifle fire and rape sticks. Still, some escaped and we’re really kicking ourselves for failing to run autoupdate on Windows XP Home Edition.”
After news of the breakout went public, prison technicians around the globe began looking into alternative security measures and solutions that couldn’t be so easily hacked.
“We’re going to take a look at our router settings, make sure NAT’s turned off. That’s probably the issue.”
This breaking coverage was brought to you graciously by your friends here at Lebal Drocer, Inc. We are pleased to announce the Grand Opening of our Megajail™ next week. It will feature brand new locking mechanisms designed using the latest in Iranian lockdown technology, operated directly by the mind of dead Lebal Drocer president, Raleigh Theodore Sakers. Megajail™ reminds you, once you’re in, you’re in. We own everything that matters, and now jails.
(disclaimer: Lebal Drocer, Inc., is not responsible for limbs lost by closing cell doors. The system is fully automated, as is our transcendental President’s brain, and the prisoners must learn to adhere to the times doors open and shut.)
America now sees what the businessmen who financed the Tea Party intended: Dressed in powdered wigs and wearing red makeup that is actually gore, the Tea Party is shoveling babies into the ocean with pitchforks. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is gagging Lady Liberty with her gigantic strap-on while trying to save face by praising Al-Jazeera and Internet Freedom. Not only that, but the orchestra masters behind all this have invented some wacky ideas about 9/11 just to throw you off their trail. Why else would 9/11 theories be aired constantly on the “History” channel?
The Fascist plot for dominating America is now quite clear. The super rich have found the most extreme elements of the Republican Party and have created an Ultra-Nationalist cult promising Utopia. Their colluding counterparts on the Left have made a move to destroy the freedom of the press. They are in the midst of creating an information crisis that will be used to destroy all that is good about the internet. An overarching conspiracy by mega-rich Oligarchs who pull the strings is not just apparent, but glaringly and painfully obvious.
The Tea Party cult worships our founding fathers, mythical men who heroically wasted tea while badly costumed as Indians. They’ve been convinced by conniving liars that one day if they all work hard enough, America will still be the richest nation in the world and all the Mexicans will be gone. Well, to be fair, even the original Tea Party was a bunch of racists.
The Tea Party, these cult members, have been bused all over America to protest everything Barack Hussein Obama has done to hurt big business. The television airs the people waving signs, screaming out the trigger phrases, sending weak minds into conniptions of fear and hate followed by selfish pride and contempt. Off camera, among themselves, they foam at the mouth with racial epithets and theories about where Hussein was really born and the missing time when he secretly took his pilgrimage to Mecca.
Using this protest-propaganda hybrid, the ultra rich have planted puppets in many State Governments and are now doing loss management to help keep corporate profits increasing. The puppet Governors have created a false budget crisis. They repeat the bald lie that increasing taxes on corporations and the mega rich could only exacerbate economic problems. Such a lie is so base and ultimately pernicious that Tea Party government is in breach of its social contract. According to our founding fathers, this requires revolutionary action.
Wisconsin has denied collective bargaining rights to teachers and the Governor of Michigan has granted himself Hitler-like emergency powers to do whatever the fuck he wants. Hitler will fire elected officials and disband unions. Similar things are happening everywhere that the Tea Party has taken hold. Even the NFL is in the grips of this anti-union conspiracy.
But do not forget that this is not a conspiracy by a single party. Both the Republican and Democratic sides are being used by the mega rich Oligarchs to destroy American Liberty. Hillary Clinton uses her forked tongue to criminalize investigative journalism while praising the benefits of Internet Freedom. WikiLeaks and the script kiddies of Anonymous have been demonized by traditional left leaning media. These investigative journalists and activists of cyberspace have become too powerful too soon. The Hegemony is working on manufacturing a large enough crisis so that they can crack down and do as much damage to free speech as possible.
Obama should be the most ashamed man on the face of the Earth. Right now he is sitting in his testicle shaped office gently stroking his hard-won Nobel Peace Prize and trying to forget about all the death he owns in Afghanistan. He reminisces on when he authorized the torture of Bradley Manning in Quantico but doesn’t recall any promise to shut down Gitmo. The golden relief of Alfred Nobel stares back indifferently. By now, the world knows who made sure Obama won the prize. It’s a “nuke the world with impunity” badge. Obama is licensed to genocide.
The safeguards provided by the Constitution for the right to protest and the right to free press have been trampled upon by both the Right and the Left. They will crack down in Wisconsin and the protests will only grow exponentially. America will respond to its people like Libya did. The United States government has failed to preempt the effect of the internet and are now forced into a reactionary stance that is bound to fail.The Tea Party will be buried under the throngs of true protesters demanding liberty instead of politics. They will elect no more tyrants. Information will outlive Bradley Manning and Julian Assange.
America will renew its social contract with government by force if necessary!
American citizens deemed to have misused their sweet, precious freedoms can – and will – be tortured not only on American soil, but moved to secret prisons around the world – for their entire lives – if necessary.
Provisions to the NDAA merely serve to clarify the US Government’s basic contempt for rampant freedom on a level “even FOX News viewers can understand.”
