Tag: freedom

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Politics новости

ELF WAX TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

Washington, D.C.–In an unprecedented bid for the United States Presidency, The Elf Wax Times has entered the race.

It is the first time in the history of the world an entire publication has ran for public office. They will probably win.

“You’re not just voting for a president, but an entire cabinet,” a man known only as ‘The Cold Hard Truth’ told reporters Thursday. He presented himself as their attorney, though his credentials are questionable at best.

He said, “The executive staff of The Elf Wax Times operates ruthlessly and efficiently, and we are fully prepared to step on anyone who gets in our way.”

Viet Zam will be the Defense Comrade, he said, unfurling a tattered scroll. Reading it aloud, The Cold Hard Truth announced, “By the way, we are a Marxist party, which we just formed.”

The Elf Wax Times promised in a television commercial “to president at least once a week,” and said that at no point in time will any part of the administration appear on women’s daytime TV.

“If Elf Wax appears on TV,” said the Elf Wax Times’ Media Mogul, “It will be Spike TV or one of those shows like ‘Pawn Stars’ or MTV’s ‘Pimp My Ride.’

The Co-President-To-Be went on to say, “We’re also considering a downloadable podcast on the PlayStation Network as well as pornography endeavors.”

Afterward, Media Mogul told reporters, and extended to all Americans, that if they wish to see change, then there would have to be sacrifice. He warned citizens must be willing to “game out” at least twice a day. “For some,” he said, “This will require a severe cutback on gaming. For others, it will demand much, much more.”

Furthermore, he went on to cite Gandhi, reminding Americans they must be the change they wish to see in the world. “So if you want pot legalized, start getting high with police officers,” later adding, “I’m just going to sit back and watch.”

To win the Republicans over, Viet Zam intimated his desire to replace the military with autonomous kill-bots that once set on BLIND RAGE MODE can not be undone, “for maximum defense.” He said freedom will be programmed into their circuitry, hard-wiring them for democratic, bloodthirsty justice that will be unleashed “mostly on brown people” following the 2012 election, but could extend to whites who can’t speak American or who have their own alphabet.

Loki and the Hecktones, premier cabinet leaders, and well-known from inside The Elf Wax Times for building their fame around pure absurdity, have pointed out the necessity to bring back the unwitting “dosing” of agents within the FBI, CIA, and especially the administration itself with LSD-25.

Loki said, “It is our heartfelt belief that every man, woman and child – wait, especially children – should at least once in their lifetimes experience the effects of lysergic acid diethylamide.” A sudden silence fell over the crowded room of reporters and newscasters and photographers stopped taking pictures. At this, Loki’s eyes bulged out of his head as he exclaimed, “What? Don’t be so fucking lame. Jesus Christ who let all these squares in the room?” Kilgore Trout, the self-described ‘Face of Elf Wax’ reacted promptly by placing one hand on Loki’s shoulder as he quietly escorted him off the stage, beaming for the cameras.

While Sarah Palin and Barack Obama scoff at the notion, The Elf Wax Times’ team of political analysts project that the publication’s platform of drug use, videogames and name-calling will be all they need. Voters who “wish to make the right decision” to vote for them in the 2012 election, are expected to “inform themselves,” said a man named Bill, “because we’re pulling the ads.” Experts predict a landslide victory for The Elf Wax Times.

Thanks to LebalSoft voting machines, voters will have the unique opportunity of voting for Elf Wax as early as they feel like, and as many times as they want if they feel their vote wasn’t counted properly. Additionally, voting has been turned into a “game,” according to one anonymous source from within Lebal Drocer.

Due to the dangerously high lead content of their products, all Lebal Drocer representatives speak on the condition of anonymity.

In the game, voters are rewarded with tickets and prizes for casting the right vote in the correct order. Prizes include freedom tickets, XBOX Gamer Points, even the right to vote. Freedom tickets would be redeemable at the United States Government. These are “higher-level prizes” that award freedom of speech allowances and “get out of jail if your 4th Amendment Rights were compromised” cards. “It’s like a get-out-of-jail-free card, but the 2010 version.”

There are no contacts listed for The Elf Wax Times and the staff could not be reached for any comments relating to anything, whatsoever.

The world must simply wait on standby for a glimmer of hope, change, or a press release explaining why there has been none, which sources predict may never come.

Categories
Video World новости

Protesters gear up to repress rowdy G-20 police

G-20, TORONTO– The police stand on the far side of a chain-link fence, waving their guns and batons for attention. They shout pro status quo slogans in an attempt to start a conflict with the amazingly organized protesters. Diana Lauder gives marching orders, and the protesters fall in step with more loyalty than Hitler’s secret police.

“We just want to keep them under control,” Lauder said. “If they begin to use threatening force, we will not hesitate to go straight to our contingency plan, to sit in the grass with our legs crossed, hold up a peace sign, and be shot with rubber bullets and teargas.”

Protesters menacing helpless crowd police
Protesters menacing helpless crowd police

One witness to the violence said the protesters’ abuse of authority was “dehumanizing…completely.” The G-20 protesters systematically violate the civil rights of well-meaning riot police to peacelessly assemble and resist forwardly.

The Canadian government just passed a law in 2007 that said protesters have the right to assemble, so in fairness, protesters count on the police officers to activate a law from 1939 that gives them extraordinary powers under vague circumstances.

“Oppression is, after all, built into the framework, so it’s our job to see to it the rights of police officers are upheld; the right to trample innocent bystanders and shoot them with gas-powered weapons,” said area hippie and peace enthusiast Alistair Robin Rowntree.

The protesters, in spite of their insatiable thirst for violence, face uncertainty too. They are up against people “with a natural aversion to violence,” warned Elf Wax social scientist Akhmed Karzai, so without warning or provocation, the protesters may be forced to attack unwitting riot guards.

Law specialist Bernie Hedriff of The Royal Canadian Mounted Police said,

“Police officers have traditionally constituted the highly-respected, intellectual elite of secondary schools everywhere, known to keep themselves educated on current events and eager to take part in the democratic process; whereas your average political protester is usually some ignorant underachiever who got picked on in school for being dumb and now craves control. This much, we all know,” explained Hedriff. “What is not well known, however, is these peace officers who work as riot guards near political functions – they’re left with no choice but to apply the law, which states that as long as violence is occurring somewhere in the city, they may – no, they must – use excessive force on those around them, especially on the frontlines of the gray area between civil rights and civil disobedience, where examples must clearly be made.”

So, really there are no rights at all, giving the police exactly the kind of protection they need from the oppressing protesting.

Draconian laws allow civil rights to assembly and free speech to be trampled underfoot, and protesters are outnumbered in some situations by three to one, so even in spite of their docile nature, it is difficult to keep the glacial movement of the riot guards in place. Perhaps more obscurely, David Icke, Lizard-Overlord historian and philosoholic, recommends protesters use lizard-repellent, because “The police hate it,” he said.

“I do not believe that the individuals bent on vandalism and violence in our city have finished with their intent, so we will remain vigilant,” Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair said Saturday night.

Of the police, said one protester standing guard, “These criminals rely on the anonymity of hiding in a larger group of the curious and the naive.”

Fences protect freedom by caging it in
Fences protect freedom by caging it in

The riot police and summit leaders behind them are in such great danger that a giant fence was erected to protect their freedoms.

Toronto police said the fence was not breached Saturday.

In response to the impenetrable wall of freedom, protesters torched police cars, broke windows, and bravely vandalized everything in sight, effectively crippling the riot guards, citywide. Our prayers go out to the uniformed victims of protest-abuse in Toronto.

“Fuck you, I won’t do what ya tell me.”

-Riot police, to voters

Behind closed doors, world leaders gathered at the G-20 Summit to discuss the global financial crisis, and how to ease global debt – or at least find a common lie to agree on.

So far, the plan is to finally reveal the all-encompassing pattern of human enslavement across the global third-world plantation, reducing the overhead cost of hiding it.

Categories
Hate

Anti-hate protest results in 'no additional love'

Richmond, Va.–“Protesters” gathered behind the VCU Student Commons last week where they rallied around their anti-hate values.

Automatically failing to realize being anti-anything is a form of hate in itself, students and activists, mostly lesbians, unquestioningly stood around holding signs carrying messages of peace, or of hatred for anti-loving attitudes.

The demonstration was staged as a counter-protest to the Westboro Baptist Church picket in front of the Holocaust Museum, where cold Richmonders apathetically gazed on in bewilderment at how religious fanatics are still more educated on current events than themselves.

“Where are the Westboro Baptists?” our reporter asked a bystander shortly after arriving at the event, which was heavily publicized on the social fuckworking site Facebook.

“Oh, they aren’t here. They were at the Holocaust Museum earlier today around twelve,” replied the hate-hating lesbian whose sign read “I SAW FRED PHELPS NAKED AND NOW I’M A LESBIAN.”

That’s right. Nobody saw each other, in spite of the fact one group gathered as a counter-protest to the other. You can’t make this up. Let’s consult a map.

Fortunately the police maintained control of the situation
Fortunately the police maintained control of the situation

WBC were at the Holocaust Museum, denying the Holocaust on behalf of Iranian Dictator Ahmedinejad. It sounded like a good spot to rally, so why didn’t any counter-protesters with signs show up there instead of between school buildings where nobody could see them?

“I believe the museum asked people not to bring signs and keep that sort of thing on the downlow,” said Midlothian resident Niki S. who did not attend the counter-protest because “it sounded lame.”

And it was. There were choirs preaching to choirs, singing the gospel of their anti-hate agenda.

“I am proud to see so many of you come out today. Your unity restores my faith in people, even though, uh, you have shown up where there is no specific concept to get behind, you have all still come together. And that so many of you showed up tells me something.” -male speaker who bravely attempted to intellectually justify ambiguities of the peace protest

Most everyone stood in a semi-circle around a group of people holding signs with one word per person that read “VCU STANDS TOGETHER AGAINST HATE”, holding their signs up pointed at each other, apparently protesting themselves.

Soviet-Russia was well-represented. Enthusiastic Communists held a flag over the banner facing toward the podium. They said it represents freedom. Our reporter agreed.

This event was actually so bad we took equally bad video footage so you could believe it for yourselves. We’ll post it as soon as it’s ready.

Freedom ain't free. It's regulated and redistributed by the government first.
Freedom ain't free. It's regulated and redistributed by the government first.

Some girl got on the microphone and said, “You do not have to be a rug for someone to walk on with their big, muddy, hate-filled boots,” and that was the last thing Elf Wax could stick around to report. Not because it was intolerably stupid, which it most certainly was, but because we were illegally-parked and the meter-maids have a personal vendetta to kill our reporters slowly with towing fees and child molestation charges.

[Editor’s note: he was acquitted of those charges.]

In conclusion, VCU’s silly bring-a-crazy-sign-day is an insult to all forms of protest and serves only to de-legitimize true protest when people who really stand up for what they believe in aren’t taken seriously, diluting the effects of actual protesting around real problems like war, genocide, and corporate takeovers.

Do you people even realize what you did? You made stupid signs and stood around other people who made stupid signs and fucking pretended to protest. Some of you wore iPods. This is what people associate with protest now – masturbatory, self-serving meandering that gets literally nothing done. It literally brings tears to my eyes to recall the memories of how you “protested” on that day. Oh Lord you people are terrible. Get fucked.

Do you want to stage a protest? Get a can of gasoline, make an effigy of members of your local government – or who cares, Obama – and get to work. Don’t let the word ‘work’ scare you dirty anarchohippies, because you will gather enough supporters by simply copy-pasting Elf Wax onto posterboard and ranting it continuously over a burning Dennis Kucinich doll. This kind of work does itself, gets results, and gets you fucking laid, bitch.

Once you have been forced off the grid by your legal obligations to the uprising, you will find support in Lebal Drocer’s password-protected, hyper-encrypted closed local networks in key underground areas that will be emailed to you by the [email protected] listserv when the time is right.

So protest is ruined. However, a molotov-cocktail through the back windshield of a squad car has always sent a stronger message than protest songs, anyway. Why’d we ever stop that?

This is Elf Wax Times signing off, requesting violent revolution.

If you want the change you had in mind while voting for Obama, you’re going to have to organize yourselves and take it by force – Elf Wax style. Then, maybe one day the pawns might become the knights, and we will ride together, storm the white house gates, the corporate high-rises, closed-off hotels, and Silicon Valley boutiques, and our new order will force the king to cook for us and the queen will serve as the town’s newest whore, and our skin will become greasy and tight, our souls shut off by the newfound power vested in our elected military leaders by the gun and hand grenades; until we become uglier than the pigs we overthrew; coups-d’etats will occur on a near-weekly basis heralding the collapse of Western Civilization once and for all under the suffocating forces of newly-required anarchosocialism that just won’t seem to work no matter who we kill. So go to the grocery store and don’t forget Hot Pockets…and posterboard.