ELF WAX TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

The Elf Wax Times’ team of political analysts project that the publication’s platform of drug use, videogames and name-calling will be all the evidence voters need to make the right decision in 2012.

Sarah Palin illegally crosses border to receive free health care

Whitehorse, Canada–Sarah Palin was seen jumping out of a dirty, overloaded pick up truck Tuesday and crossing the Canadian border to steal single-payer Health Care.

Elf Wax Times announces anti-lesbian platform

The Elf Wax Times doesn’t hate lesbians, but statistics show that as the number of lesbians increase, the number of girls willing to fuck Elf Wax staff writers declines, threatening America’s freedom.