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Politics новости

ELF WAX TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

Washington, D.C.–In an unprecedented bid for the United States Presidency, The Elf Wax Times has entered the race.

It is the first time in the history of the world an entire publication has ran for public office. They will probably win.

“You’re not just voting for a president, but an entire cabinet,” a man known only as ‘The Cold Hard Truth’ told reporters Thursday. He presented himself as their attorney, though his credentials are questionable at best.

He said, “The executive staff of The Elf Wax Times operates ruthlessly and efficiently, and we are fully prepared to step on anyone who gets in our way.”

Viet Zam will be the Defense Comrade, he said, unfurling a tattered scroll. Reading it aloud, The Cold Hard Truth announced, “By the way, we are a Marxist party, which we just formed.”

The Elf Wax Times promised in a television commercial “to president at least once a week,” and said that at no point in time will any part of the administration appear on women’s daytime TV.

“If Elf Wax appears on TV,” said the Elf Wax Times’ Media Mogul, “It will be Spike TV or one of those shows like ‘Pawn Stars’ or MTV’s ‘Pimp My Ride.’

The Co-President-To-Be went on to say, “We’re also considering a downloadable podcast on the PlayStation Network as well as pornography endeavors.”

Afterward, Media Mogul told reporters, and extended to all Americans, that if they wish to see change, then there would have to be sacrifice. He warned citizens must be willing to “game out” at least twice a day. “For some,” he said, “This will require a severe cutback on gaming. For others, it will demand much, much more.”

Furthermore, he went on to cite Gandhi, reminding Americans they must be the change they wish to see in the world. “So if you want pot legalized, start getting high with police officers,” later adding, “I’m just going to sit back and watch.”

To win the Republicans over, Viet Zam intimated his desire to replace the military with autonomous kill-bots that once set on BLIND RAGE MODE can not be undone, “for maximum defense.” He said freedom will be programmed into their circuitry, hard-wiring them for democratic, bloodthirsty justice that will be unleashed “mostly on brown people” following the 2012 election, but could extend to whites who can’t speak American or who have their own alphabet.

Loki and the Hecktones, premier cabinet leaders, and well-known from inside The Elf Wax Times for building their fame around pure absurdity, have pointed out the necessity to bring back the unwitting “dosing” of agents within the FBI, CIA, and especially the administration itself with LSD-25.

Loki said, “It is our heartfelt belief that every man, woman and child – wait, especially children – should at least once in their lifetimes experience the effects of lysergic acid diethylamide.” A sudden silence fell over the crowded room of reporters and newscasters and photographers stopped taking pictures. At this, Loki’s eyes bulged out of his head as he exclaimed, “What? Don’t be so fucking lame. Jesus Christ who let all these squares in the room?” Kilgore Trout, the self-described ‘Face of Elf Wax’ reacted promptly by placing one hand on Loki’s shoulder as he quietly escorted him off the stage, beaming for the cameras.

While Sarah Palin and Barack Obama scoff at the notion, The Elf Wax Times’ team of political analysts project that the publication’s platform of drug use, videogames and name-calling will be all they need. Voters who “wish to make the right decision” to vote for them in the 2012 election, are expected to “inform themselves,” said a man named Bill, “because we’re pulling the ads.” Experts predict a landslide victory for The Elf Wax Times.

Thanks to LebalSoft voting machines, voters will have the unique opportunity of voting for Elf Wax as early as they feel like, and as many times as they want if they feel their vote wasn’t counted properly. Additionally, voting has been turned into a “game,” according to one anonymous source from within Lebal Drocer.

Due to the dangerously high lead content of their products, all Lebal Drocer representatives speak on the condition of anonymity.

In the game, voters are rewarded with tickets and prizes for casting the right vote in the correct order. Prizes include freedom tickets, XBOX Gamer Points, even the right to vote. Freedom tickets would be redeemable at the United States Government. These are “higher-level prizes” that award freedom of speech allowances and “get out of jail if your 4th Amendment Rights were compromised” cards. “It’s like a get-out-of-jail-free card, but the 2010 version.”

There are no contacts listed for The Elf Wax Times and the staff could not be reached for any comments relating to anything, whatsoever.

The world must simply wait on standby for a glimmer of hope, change, or a press release explaining why there has been none, which sources predict may never come.

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Health Law

Sarah Palin illegally crosses border to receive free health care

Sarah Palin is seen here crossing the US-Canadian border with other Americans
Sarah Palin is seen here crossing the US-Canadian border with other Americans

Whitehorse, Canada–Sarah Palin was seen jumping out of a dirty, overloaded pick up truck Tuesday and crossing the Canadian border to steal single-payer Health Care.

Canadian Border Police shot and killed several accomplices to the ex-Governor of Alaska, but failed to deal any lethal damage to Mrs. Palin, who used retarded people as a shield to deflect bullets and public outcry.

Due in part to this story’s inflation by the mainstream media, Canadian officials are now being forced to consider the decision to build a wall extending from coast to coast, to pacify the loudest minority.

Analysts expect the project to be outsourced to illegal immigrants pouring in from America to do the job, further fueling flames of xenophobia.

“We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada,” she said. “And I think now, isn’t that ironic?”

Editor’s note: Governor un-elect Sarah Palin confused irony for hypocricy.

Since Palin recently got a taste of political gain, her opinion of what once was her best source of useful, valuable health care has transformed it into the disease of big government-run death panel waiting rooms of Satan, where even souls are aborted.

Sarl Cagan, Chief of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police told reporters, “As of right now, we believe Sarah Palin is living with between eight and fifteen other border-hoppers in a house without electricity or running water. Sources tell us they’ve seen her selling oranges by the side of the freeway, doing construction on the wall, boycotting schools, and demanding amnesty.”

Sarah Palin is expected to report back to FOX News by the end of this weekend, their spokesperson told The Elf Wax Times, who then added, “assuming Mrs. Palin’s declining intelligence does not get any worse, at which point her brain might catastrophically divide by zero.”

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Religion Science Special Interest

Waxing elves after 2012?

Los Angeles, Ca.–Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and author of the popular 2007 book Death by Black Hole, confirmed the Earth is in fact doomed to survive through the routine events of December 21, 2012.
The educated assurance of this world-renowned scientist is rumored by analysts to have no bearing on those who already believe the world is going to end, or those who want to believe the end is near. Elf Wax scientists point to evidence of a parallel school of irrational constructs known as “Christianity” in which its members unwaveringly believe “a magical man lives in the sky, rewarding good behavior, damning the bad, harshly judgmental of everyone but enveloping by contradictory default the subjective individual with understanding, infinite forgiveness.”

Experts say that because human beings are prone to holding such “ridiculous” superstitions, there is no longer any point in acknowledging them and therefore all stories involving concepts categorized as religion or auto-philosophy (a concept similar to auto-fellatio but taking place in the mind rather than upon the genitals) in the future are no longer newsworthy as they are meaningless and stand in the way of human progression toward enlightenment.

Added John Hippenstock, lead Elf Wax scientist, oceanographer, and autophilosopher, “Fuck you and the zeitgeist. And Jane Fonda. The West is the best! The South Beach Diet will rise again. Woo!” Dr. Hippenstock then revealed two revolvers, fired them wildly into the air, holstered them, defecated, ripped off his pants, moaned incoherently, and proceeded to recite pi out to the twenty-seventh decimal, which is – not coincidentally – 27.