12 Year Old Overdoses on Enzyte, Commits Suicide

In what is possibly the most gruesome and terrible ad-related news in the history of the world, a young man, terribly mistaken, demasculated himself by accidentally overdosing on his father’s Enzyte. The family has asked to remain anonymous because their shame is immeasurable.The boy’s father denies ever taking Enzyte. He admits “I was just, ashamed of myself and drunk, I ordered them, and I haven’t yet again let myself reach that level of shame. I kept them, because I knew I would probably loathe myself enough to take them sometime in the near future.” He refused to submit a blood sample to the Elf Wax Times for analysis.

The boy took 5 whole shipments of Enzyte mixed into a can of beer. The carbonation and alcohol quickened the absorption of certain chemicals found in the herbal supplement which caused such an enormous rush of blood to the boys genitals that they literally burst open.

With pictures of Heath Ledger scattered around the room, and an empty bottles of pills strewn carelessly about, another sick twist to this completely Television and Movie related death reached a new depth of horror. Not only did the boy succumb to the subliminal, repetitive messages planted in his head by Enzyte, but also the suicidal tendency of his favorite actor, Heath Ledger. Toxicology reports revealed a lethal cocktail of birth-control, anti-depressants, acetaminophen, and as many as 40 Coricidin tablets were the cause of death. No legal action can be taken by Enzyte, but Heath Ledger’s corpse has been exhumed for examination.

All Women Born into Adulthood

Kay S. Hymowitz may have you believe that there is a new generation of “Child Men” out there to make women’s job of trapping men into their idea of a happy and “adult” life very hard. Here’s what she has to say in a nutshell. And a link to her article, which I did actually read. Her ideas of women sound like snippets out of an idealized version of “Sex and the City.” And every guy out there is just like “Fry” from Futurama, just so you get the gist of things.

With women, you could argue that adulthood is in fact emergent. Single women in their twenties and early thirties are joining an international New Girl Order, hyperachieving in both school and an increasingly female-friendly workplace, while packing leisure hours with shopping, traveling, and dining with friends [see “The New Girl Order,” Autumn 2007]. Single Young Males, or SYMs, by contrast, often seem to hang out in a playground of drinking, hooking up, playing Halo 3, and, in many cases, underachieving. With them, adulthood looks as though it’s receding.

She then lays into every single comedic act from Dave Chappelle, Jon Stewart, the creators of South Park, Adam Sandler, Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Jack Black, Steve Carell, and Matt Groening, the creator of the Simpsons and Futurama. She moans about Sci-Fi, and sports that “simulate war” like football, and all martial arts. She also attacks video games. With all the talk of child-men she never even mentions Andy Milonakis or Peewee Herman. Granted she does bring up more misogynistic entertainment icons like Tucker Max and George Ouzounian (Maddox) of “The Greatest Website in the Universe,” but come on. What kind of dipshit still reads that shit after they turn 17?
The fact is they are no part of “the media.” They’re just guys like me who can figure out how to post things on the internet. Everyone has that power, Kay, I think you know. If it wasn’t for the internet, maybe people with rotten-to-the-core ideas like Maddox would not corrupt our boys into permanent childhood (happiness). The difference though, is that Maddox is joking, and you are dead serious. Kay’s point is now obvious.

Not only is no one asking that today’s twenty- or thirtysomething become a responsible husband and father—that is, grow up—but a freewheeling marketplace gives him everything that he needs to settle down in pig’s heaven indefinitely.

This is what I have to say in response Ms. Hymowitz:

FUCK THAT! GROWING UP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BECOMING A HUSBAND OR A FATHER. YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE WRONG MESSAGE.

Do not blame the free market for the fact that women want to find a husband and men just don’t give a fuck. I am not a pig for being who I am, but you are a TRUE BITCH for suggesting that marriage to a woman is the only way a man can ever grow up. That is totally false and offensive to both men AND women of any intelligence. All I have to say is I hope your type fades away. Stop watching TV so much if you’re so fucking smart. It gives you the wrong idea about the real world.

 

FAN MAIL!

Greetings viewers! Welcome to the program! Long time, no blog, eh? (writer’s block, i mean, strike)

This week we had a very special fan submit to us a very special feedback comment on our newgrounds page*.

*For those who haven’t seen, please. Enjoy for yourselfs. HERE or THERE. AUDIO GALORE!

Anywho, our good #1 fan/friend/stalker(MIRITE?), FLASHMX, sent us these (very) kind words!:

“What are you talking about? Did you listen to the same song I did? It was bad, it was loud, it was chaos, it was BAD. The votes say it all, I don’t care if people found it useless, its one out of some hundred that people did so, its a bad song, thats it. Chill”

To which ELF WAX replied:

Flash-MX wrote: What are you talking about?

EW: The dreadful uselessness of your reviews.

Flash-MX: Did you listen to the same song I did?

EW: Not only, Elf Wax birthed the auditory brilliance which you deny.

Flash-MX: It was bad, it was loud, it was chaos, it was BAD.

EW: Welcome to Elf Wax, nube. (bad and BAD are still the same word no matter the capitalization.)

Flash-MX: The votes say it all, I don’t care if people found it useless,

EW: Elf Wax doesn’t care that you don’t care.

Flash-MX: its one out of some hundred that people did so,

EW: Thx 4 thee math.

Flash-MX: its a bad song, thats it. Chill

EW: You’re a bad song. That, is it? Cool. THANKS FOR BEING A FAN! XOXOXO!

This has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer Inc. 2008.

What a swell gal! Here’s what else it had to say!

“Elf Wax is just some Manson rip-off who thinks making music that makes no sense is art, its crap.”

Put THAT in the Rolling Stones newspaper! Ya can’t make that up, folkskis! We actually love mansions! Lebal Drocer has provided us with 5… each! Ha! Who laughs last, laughs in the end! quote me.
That’s it for nowz! GREATBYE!

In Lebal Drocer Inc. we trust.

Toka Cola- BLAZE ON!

Get Blazed! Denny Blazin’ Hazin’ Average Homeboy recommends Toka-Cola because “IT GETS YOU BLAZED!

“Now I’m not the typical rapper that you’ll see. I gotta have my toka cola and I want it free. So here I am layin it down, I hope my rapping doesn’t make you frown!”

-Denny Blaze
Secretary of Blazin’