Category: Editorial

It means ‘opinion,’ dumbass.

Categories
Editorial Society Special Interest Status Quo

Cogito ergo Cogito

A Christian once asked me what my fundamental source for ultimate truth was. The answer might be unsatisfying, but it should be there with a little explanation. In logic, truth is defined as that which can be proven not false in every case. This applies well enough in mathematics and computer programming, but how about for reality? The problem with truth is that every case can never be accounted for. Quantum physics specifically denies it.

Consider a particle in your body, and all the aspects of it. It has among other properties energy and location. Upon measuring this particle’s location, accuracy is lost in measuring its energy. This is the uncertainty principle, and it is an observable phenomenon that Einstein could not disprove. For some reason, this lack of truth is built into the very nature of the universe. I could measure the energy of that same particle, but if I wanted to know the location, I would again lose accuracy. If I wanted to know both the momentum and the location of a particle the best I’d be able to do is estimate. I would still be left with a version of the truth based on two separate measurements that have a mutually exclusive precision. So I’m left with a measurable amount of precision, but not the truth.

So, am I saying that truth doesn’t exist? This is aesthetically painful to the human mind, but it is the strongest possibility. Surely a particle has a location, and a certain momentum, but I won’t be able to figure that out because of an aspect of the universe that is not currently understood. So what is my foundation of ultimate truth, if I cannot know the truth of a solitary particle?

This is a universe of measurable precision. When the human mind decides to believe in truth, there’s an amount of error that cannot be escaped. Truth absolutely must exist, and it may be glimpsed by humanity, but it is impossible to see from all sides without distortion.

Categories
Editorial News Politics Society Status Quo World

A land called the Soviet Union

I started with “jerk off into a cup” – a natural launching point.

Holy dicks, what fucking day is it? Is it time for another? Yes it is.

I spent the day dealing with some very friendly people about a very unfriendly bill that has been sent to collections by way of some unpaid tuition at my money-grubbing University. Those bastards think they’re going to get $2,000 out of me, well they’ve got another thing coming. I’ll give them at least $12,000 more by the time I’m done with them! Those bastards will be swimming so deep in my hard-earned cash they won’t know what hit ’em. They’ll drown in US currency. They’ll have to buy up some more ghetto just to make room for the new cash I want to give them for a degree next year.

That’s where I’m at now – it’s time to buy my degree. I’ve worked at papers and written and photographed and traveled and interviewed and even kissed Jane Fonda’s ass, as every reporter does at some time, or must do on their deathbed, lest they enter the gates of Heaven unscathed by a tired old clash of grandfatherly ideals. So now I’m paying for it, because you see it’s not your experience the industry wants; it’s not your carisma, or your talent or your motivation or even your childish enthusiasm they’re after. No, they want to know that you, too, shelled out an amount of dough greater than or equal to the worth of their own degrees before they’ll even open a god damn portfolio. So be it. I’ll buy the fucking thing and I’ll do it the honest way: by taking money for my sperm downtown.

Sure, I can jerk off into a cup. Have I ever done it before? Not in a cup, no. In a receptacle, maybe, and into a cup indirectly, but never “squirt in the cup, put a lid on it, enjoy your James ma’am.” Five, ten, fifteen years down the road, there could be me: child to a lesbian couple, or perhaps a hardline feminist with filed-down teeth and big gums who wears heavy red flannel and treks out to middle-school-age little league games where she is a stranger. That’s what I want for myself, right now. That’s my goal.

Really, it’d be nice to get all doped up and go to the dentist. My teeth are holier than the bulletproof Pope-mobile. I’m more sensitive to them, too. You can’t see the Pope in his little squad-wagon anymore. They don’t show him. I wish they would. As a child I used to love witnessing the Pope-mobile. It was hilarious. That was before I knew how to jerk off, much less into a cup. And that brings me back to it. Would the pope jerk off into a cup (assuming he had the capacity to engage in a sexually taxing activity like physical masturbation) to save a dying woman’s legacy? How about his own?

I hear we are winning in Iraq so now we’re moving to Afghanistan. Hopefully we will see the same success over there and we can even replicate it in Iran. The UN Chief would like to see that. Sooner or later we’re going to have to go dick against balls with Russia and it’s going to be gritty and you will not see a fear more sinister, more urgent than that which will be pumped out of live television, radio and telegraph broadcasts in our lifetimes on that fateful day when Russian bombers imposing over our inland suburbs like chicken-hawks. The pilots have to use the bathroom, too. “Is that frozen piss-sleet hitting the roof, honey, or is that napalm? I’ll check it this time, you went out last time…”

More on this, as events unfold.

Categories
Editorial News Obituaries Politics Uncontrollable Patriotism

2084

America as we know it is going to be dead very soon. Nationalism is globally waning. History has consistently shown Nationalism is a fundamentally evil belief. The sooner there is a single world governing body, the sooner we will be able to focus on issues that we can agree about. I’m talking about full global accountability, a power that supersedes a nation when the future of humanity as a whole is at stake. A body that will enforce environmental laws is necessary for our posterity to enjoy life as we know it. Nuclear weapons must be done away with if we are to truly ensure that life as we know it can continue, and all accountable nations must one day disarm them all. Terrorists and those who imprison them must both be fully accountable to a global government. A global government must have authority over the nation. The UN is not able to enforce accountability upon the most powerful nations, and therefore it can not in any way ensure a peaceful future free from man-made disasters. I do not perceive the UN ever filling this role, but a strategic alliance similar to NATO or the EU may. The role of this super-government must be limited to what can be done to ensure the survival of mankind. Space settlement should be a stated long term goal, given the disaster-prone nature of earth. We can only hope time is on our side.

Economic forces are slow, steady, and absolutely inevitable. Energy prices increase as more people demand more energy even while oil production tops out. Conservatives look to the past with gleaming eyes, their values born in a world without computerized machinery. Do they not realize where our wealth comes from? It is not from hard work. Pulling up on bootstraps isn’t it either. Robotic machines are the centerpiece of our wealth. Material and energy cost plus labor equals overhead. Labor is being phased out in America’s industry slowly and surely. The wealth that results from this will be ripped entirely from the hands of the market, and relocated to government control. These were are jobs, and human labor made it all possible to begin with. It is collectively owned and created by all of us, yet the ownership falls to a most fortunate few whose circumstances in life were a bit more lucky than your average guy. Thus, the trend towards Socialism is utterly inevitable in a Democratic system. Populism combined with massively imbalanced wealth will result in Socialism, at a randomized rate. In the past, Socialism has waxed during periods of economic strife. And now, you should be prepared to see things that once were considered Unamerican. We’re really that wealthy now. Computers and robots will soon be able to do things that were never possible before. One day, our own creation will become beyond us in ways we may not be able to understand. If computers are not the savior of humanity, nothing will ever be. Consider this the second coming-the true Messiah.