Category: Entertainment

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A message from Alpha Centauri

Following a recent governmental lapse in Truth, a scrambled message has been intercepted and somewhat decoded. The communication details an alien overthrow of humanity. Elf Wax analysts were able to decipher certain parts of speech and published them. The translation, in its original form follows:

I am from Alpha Centauri, a star of dead rocks.
I am from another dimension. Another time.
You have lived too long. Your bad vibrations are polluting our air waves.
It’s time now. It’s time to burn. We’ll burn you and your sons’ sons. And then we’ll burn up the sun.
With hungry eyes, we’re looking at you lucky few.

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Report: Dan K. Back in Town

YOURTOWN, US–After a recent independent investigation, it has come to our attention here at the Times that Dan K., a known pal to many locals, has indeed returned to the area.


For the past several months, Dan K.(whose last name is unknown but certainly begins with ‘K’) has been missing from the vicinity, leaving friends to consider social alternatives. Although no details are known of his mysterious departure, local residents are no doubt thrilled, and rightfully so, to learn of K.’s safe return.


Friend of the EW Times (and, of course, Dan. K), Travis Parcha, 23, had nothing but kind words to offer. “It’s [nice to him see doing] pretty good stuff [with his life].” Parcha then commented on the character of Mr. K. “[He’s] not seedy at all.”

Parcha, seen here, the last time he enjoyed quality time with Dan K.


Acquaintances agree that Dan should be around town for at least a few months, if not longer. In the event that he disappears again unexpectedly, Yourtown citizens can rest easy, knowing that they can always consort with Sherman Wag, a distant cousin of K. who’s really only fun to hang out with in large doses.

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Gaia Economy in Shambles

Gaia Online has suffered extreme hyperinflation in the past weeks, as the value of gold plummeted. The crux of Gaia’s economy is a steady flow of art-themed posting. Poetry, photography, and art of all kind and quality are equally rewarded. Through time, however, the quality of this art has completely degenerated beyond the point of recognition. For a minor amount of gold, a fraction of a fraction of what one needs to ‘buy’ accessories for their avatar, one user may copy-paste a Wikipedia article into the “non-fiction” category, or perhaps write a paragraph about their abusive families. Webcam photos of things in people’s computer rooms are also a major source of Gaia’s artwork.

Because the value of artwork has bottomed out, Gaia has begun coercing its users into posting even more worthless art to boost the economy. The fact is, that if a computer program were to continuously pick photos from google images, apply an Andy Warhol filter, and post it on Gaia, only to randomly give away all the gold it made, this whole system might be streamlined. Why should human beings post worthless art, when computers are so much more efficient at it?

People like speshelshell22 could continue to comment “i love pop art it looks good,” if they felt inclined, or this system could also be replaced by computer automation.

I will leave you with a poem from Gaia, written by xX_HyperSkittlez_Xx.

While it is not written directly about the state of art in Gaia, I think it’s apt.

youre walkin’ into town
then on your face there is a frown
its diarriayou try to poop it out
but you cant so you just pout
stupid diarria

no one knows how to spell it
so everyone just guesses it
diarria

you are in walmart
when you try and fart
uh oh
THERES A FREAKIN GLOB OF CRAP IN MY PANTS!!! WTF IS WRONG!!!!!! I FEEL ICKY

so you sweep it with a broom
when your in the bathroom
that diarria

you enter into a stall
then you give it your all
uuuurrrrrrrggggg

then you try to flush it down
but all it does is go around
diarria