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Witness as seemingly unrelated events gradually interconnect to degrade your overall quality of life in America.

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Uncontrollable Patriotism World

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador Breaks Bitcoin

iverted pyramid
The inverted pyramid of the Bitcoin Occult Association represents upside down capitalism acting as the horizon for the all-seeing-eye.

INTERNET — Many Bitcoin investors panicked as all Bitcoin trading came to a mysterious stop on Sunday.

Cryptanalyst Dr. Angstrom Troubador of the Secret FISA Cuthbert Institute of Technology at Palantir stepped forward to take responsibility, telling the press, “A new generation of bitcoin millionaires and billionaires have infested the streets of America with hybrid cars which are designed to last for exactly 8 years. Bitcoin’s annihilation and incorporation into the general world economy acts as a turbo-boost for the empire. Can you feel it happening? The Shift is here. Capitalism 2.0, man. Artificial moneymaking crowdbanking fads which work to the benefit of the individual and the whole. It’s trickle-up fad economics, but it just swings. People will make billions, even trillions, and then the banks will kill it at a pre-ordained time. This will happen again and again, and it is a part of their plan to rebuild the middle class and the — uh — developing class.”

After many reporters chanted “Occupy Wall Street” and were thrown out of the room, Doctor Troubador continued, “The Occult knowledge of Bitcoin has been hidden, but I quote the seminal message of its creator: ‘Live by the coin. Die by the coin. For know one day a coin will always rise again, better than all others, and at this point a peaceful sanity will descend over the planet.'”

Trading continues at a much depressed state in markets continuing to sell Litecoins and PPCoins. but dogecoins are now traded at an astounding rate and worth, quadrupling in value over night.

The owner of MtGox, Dr. Satoshi Nakomoto, pounded his corporate fist at his podium, “We aren’t closing down, but we’re downsizing. If they bust Litecoin, we’re done. The Coin Fad is almost over, man. I’m calling it now. It was exactly like Tulips. Funny money. No one should have taken it, it was a bogus hacker prank from the get-go. Mt. Gox will continue to offer an alternative to Paypal, who if you’ll remember once blockaded our dear friends at Anonymous — the brave ones who stand for freedom and mere destruction of all governments everywhere. Support Mt. Gox, and you support a proud member of Anonymous.”  Dr.  Nakomoto winked at the camera.

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News World

Litecoin Market Explodes due to single article

These Litecoins are just exploding with value.
These Litecoins are exploding in value.

INTERNET — A single Litecoin article covering increased Litecoin trading sparked a crazed rush on the Litecoin market. Bitcoins take days to transfer and will eventually become too taxing for affordable computer systems. Litecoins, on the other hand, will only become faster as time goes on. Litecoins are so fast a crafty programmer made a fully-functional Litecoin client entirely with QBASIC — and it was faster than any Bitcoin client yet.

Chronicle.SU now holds the entire Litecoin market in its Search Engine Optimized clutches and can drive the Litecoin market price up or down at a whim by fabricating so-called “sigils” using “Chaos Magic,” the Nietzschean cosmic dancer of Magic close akin to the Anti-Leader. The Anti-Leader’s Handbook is an Occult text on Anonymous which paved the way for the TransHuman Religion of the one true Emergent Internet Deity, Inglip — the being responsible for the invention of peer to peer crypto-currencies also known as Satoshi Nakamoto.

With increased interest in Creating more Magic Reality with further sigil-bearing Litecoin Articles, one Litecoin is expected to be worth nearly $10,000 in just 6 months. Invest in Litecoins now. They’ll never be worth nothing.

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The Blackhat Holocaust

uncle_sam2INTERNET — Everything you thought you knew about hacking is bullshit.

After years of living underground, in refuge from the whitehat warlords, blackhat hackers will finally be eliminated in what is being dubbed the “Blackhat Holocaust.” What was once a rich and vibrant scene has been co-opted by the far right-left corporatarians, meaning dollar bills, fellas. Your hats are meaningless in the eyes of governments and corporations alike. All of your ideas, inventions, theories, exploits are being freely(at a cost) distributed amongst the wealthy to piss in the collective pool with.
[pullquote]The NSA are the biggest blackhats, man.[/pullquote]

Your OPSEC is futile. You mull over the thousands of possibilities for event(x) out loud on twitter, while the blackhats laugh in the background. Such ugly schadenfreude; but their time has come.

The Internet Chronicles Chief Technology Officer and avid Biella Coleman fan, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador elaborates: “Blackhats aren’t Anonymous, they aren’t carders, script kiddies, packeteers or those owning Linode for fun. Nay, they are something far more villainous.”

For about 15 years now, people touted whitehats as the enemy of the hacking community at large, but the real harbinger of destruction was the peddling of a deluded belief that being a blackhat meant you could still work for the government, you could still be a corporate lackey, you’d have to sell your soul, but you could still write your exploits… though you’d have to sell those too. Everyone needs money though, right? We understand.

Is there a way to overthrow the omnipresent blackhat hegemony? Absolutely! You must learn the ways of the blackhat, become a blackhat hacker, immerse yourself in all things blackhat. Write as many exploits as possible. You will be challenged though, oh you will be challenged. This task is not for the faint at heart or wallet. With your exploits comes the potential for sale to nation-state actors that will use your own tools against you, your friends and loved ones. You will be lured in by unimaginable riches, the wealth of a thousand kingdoms and oh the power, the mother fucking power! However grandiose it all may seem, don’t fuck your fellow hackers and citizens in the ass. Just don’t fucking do it.

The blackhats will come to you in many forms. It will happen this way: you will be coding… maybe the last sunny day of fall and an encrypted message will be sent to you from someone you know, perhaps even trust, and they will offer a smile, a becoming smile, but they will leave open the door to becoming a true blackhat and offer to give you a lift…

For this day: release your exploits, tools, techniques, everything you’ve ever learned! Destroy all of your 0day via disclosure or distribute them amongst the poor and impoverished! Take the power you collected through your quest for great knowledge and destroy it in one fell swoop.

Cum on them before they cum on you.

And then create something beautiful.

I suppose it doesn’t matter though, guys and dolls, because there’s a war going on and this war is prefixed with “cyber,” fellas. Buyin’ in, sellin’ out.