In a recent E.W. Times poll, 45% of Americans aged 18 and over admitted they believed they were suffering symptoms of Swine Flu H1N1 Virus. With a total of fifty-seven confirmed cases and two deaths, hospitals are being swamped by millions each day with flu-like symptoms whom mostly consider themselves the walking dead. “The strange thing is,” Dr Angstrom H. Troubador reports, “Almost all of these people are perfectly healthy, except for the psychological illness that has programmed itself into their brain through evening news.”
Hospitals have begun refusing admittance to any persons claiming to have Swine Flu or even just flu-like symptoms in some instances. “If they even mention the word Swine in my hospital, they’re out,” Dr. Troubador admits. “I used to tell these people to take a break from their televisions, but that seemed to anger them more than anything.” Cultural heresy aside, television has spread a much more dangerous virus than the H1N1.
Hospital waiting rooms nationwide are completely filled with healthy people, leaving no doubt that some of them will contract Swine Flu simply by waiting to get help they don’t need. In the long term, Dr. Troubador expects hospitals to continue closing their doors to Swine Flu patients, even if the pandemic actually begins to spread. “You can’t fool us doctors like you have so easily been fooled yourselves. We won’t EVER treat anyone claiming to have H1N1 virus!”
Category: Science
You hear a whirring sound.
Roanoke, Va.–A Roanoke man savagely mutilated himself Friday while trying to prove to his ex-wife he was “still man enough to sexual role-play and use a skill saw naked.” Sources say he was attempting to sacrifice the family housecat to the love gods when things suddenly appeared very wrong.
Tina Shrubman, a 46 year old “homemaker” described the scene to police and reporters a “bloodbath, not in the sexual way, but almost,” as the man’s dismembered tool flopped around like a suffocating fish on the counter-top in her Martha Stewart-influenced kitchen. Lustily, Shrubman bit her lower lip.
Lieutenant Leroy Jackson, who is not supposed to disclose any details around an ongoing investigation, revealed to reporters, “Cletus Ragburn, waited for Ms. Shrubman’s return in her living room, naked, prepared to operate a table saw mounted on two sawhorses. Confused, she instinctively pepper-sprayed him, causing his thumb to react, triggering the power saw to spin out of control and fall to the floor, castrating him in the process.”
When asked where the pet would be sent for treatment, Jackson replied, “I am not at liberty to divulge that information.”
Joe Diamond, attorney for Ragburn’s johnson revealed that the member was seeking severance pay, a full health insurance package and a guaranteed nine-to-five stroke job.
Roanoke, Va.–The popularly abused text-to-voice communications system AT&T designed to allow deaf or mute people to talk via telephone has scandalously resurfaced. People who are either too poor or too lazy to keep up with a monthly phone bill also find the sit-on-your-ass-and-type convenience appealing. However, the internet took a turn for the worst today when Internet Relay Call failed as a person with functional vocal chords and eardrums attempted to place a call to a local friend, who was aware of the caller’s ability to speak and hear.
“The conversation began very rudely,” the call’s recipient explained. “First, I say hello, like I always do, and some jerk-off interrupts me asking if I know how to use his service. This isn’t like rocket science, or trying to pay a U-Scan machine at Wal-Mart. This is Internet Relay Call. Every educated heap of flesh this side of Hell knows how to use Relay Call. Anyway, he [the jackass at the phone company] kept talking and talking, so I said ‘yes, I understand’ to get him to shut up. He said nothing after that, and he wouldn’t even answer me when I tried to talk to him. I asked him, ‘what now?’ He just kept saying, ‘sir, we can’t be having this conversation; please say ‘go ahead’.” Astoundingly, the recipient said he repeated “go ahead” several times with no results until finally the communication collapsed and the recipient was forced to hang up, frustrated and humiliated. “I don’t know why he won’t just get a regular phone like everyone else.”
“The conversation began very rudely,” the call’s recipient explained. “First, I say hello, like I always do, and some jerk-off interrupts me asking if I know how to use his service. This isn’t like rocket science, or trying to pay a U-Scan machine at Wal-Mart. This is Internet Relay Call. Every educated heap of flesh this side of Hell knows how to use Relay Call. Anyway, he [the jackass at the phone company] kept talking and talking, so I said ‘yes, I understand’ to get him to shut up. He said nothing after that, and he wouldn’t even answer me when I tried to talk to him. I asked him, ‘what now?’ He just kept saying, ‘sir, we can’t be having this conversation; please say ‘go ahead’.” Astoundingly, the recipient said he repeated “go ahead” several times with no results until finally the communication collapsed and the recipient was forced to hang up, frustrated and humiliated. “I don’t know why he won’t just get a regular phone like everyone else.”
Due to abuse of both the free online service and its relay assistants, AT&T’s Internet Relay Calling will be permanently shutting down within the next nine days.